Metro Session

Arlington, Va.--In an effort to promote courtesy among citizens (and illegal aliens) riding the subway, the Washington Metropolitan Area Transportation Authority published a video this month explaining the explicit (and implicit) rules of the road.

Reminiscent of the Sims online video world, the video implores riders to be more mindful of social norms as they ride to work and play, squished like chattel in cars filled to capacity during several hours of the weekday. Naturally, the PR release makes no mention of one of the most annoying (or pleasurable) aspect of riding the subway—frotteurism.

Some people think it’s funny (whereas others do not). Upon the lurching of the train one morning, I found myself quite inadvertently dry-humping the young lady standing directly in front of me—but was saved by the quick wit of an older black woman seated nearby.

“He’ll have to pay extra for that!”

But when it happened to me, it wasn’t so funny. On a not-so-crowded car one evening, I find an older woman—mid-fifties—beckoning to me to sit. Not wishing to discourage this act of kindness and courtesy, I sit down next to her, engrossed in my music and magazine. As she reads The Washington Post, slowly her left hand slips lower and lower, until it rests on my inner thigh.

I freeze. Like a bitch. A million thoughts running through my head. I let her molest me. I go home and take a shower. I cry.

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If Trains Were Planes