Firetrucks for the win

Photo Credit: Washington City Paper.
Recently the DC government got into some hot, chlorinated water over a scandal involving donated firetrucks in exchange for vacations in the Dominican Republic (read: giving expensive, vital equipment necessary to the basic preparedness functions of our city equals hot, impoverished girl-on-girl action, white sand beaches, and margaritas made with pure cocaine).


Mayor of Sousa, D.R. heads to America to find fire trucks
This is how it went down: in November 2007 the mayor of Sousa, D.R. (a kindly man named Vladimir [really, that's his name, I promise]) shows up in DC, his sombrero in his mud-caked hands, and said “¿Qué?” to some Fenty administration folks. This rendezvous was facilitated by Mr. William Walker, the head of a nonprofit called Faith Production, that takes "troubled DC youth" (read: they know how to make a shiv and they are not afraid to show you how to bleed) to Sosua to participate in a series of boxing matches called “Whalin’ on Wetbacks”.

Dirt-caked Sousa mayor Vlad says “¿Qué? Necesitamos los firetrucks, por favor”. David Jannarone and Sinclair Skinner (a frat brother of Mayor Fenty and his field director during the 2006 mayoral campaign) say hey, sure, but can we crash at your place for a bit? My girl’s been on the rag and I owe this guy money and I think I need to lay low for awhile.”

So they go to la Republica Dominicana, do some X, dance in clubs, yadda yadda. They donate an old ambulance and old firetruck in exchange for the phone numbers of some hot latinas in big hoop earrings and legs that go on for days. These things are so old they can’t be used: they’re just really pretty scrap metal which by the way could be used for a lot of slum roofs in D.R. Mr. Walker, the owner of the beat-up-people-for-Christ program, says “hey you shmucks, these things don’t’ work!” and backed out of the deal, returning the crap vehicles that your brother-in-law Jim could totally have used to soup up his sweet ride.



Impress the hotties with your 'fire hose.'
Jannarone and Skinner said well, shit. We like hanging out in D.R. and we just started seeing someone down there, it’s gettin’ kinda serious, you know how it goes. So they find a usable ambulance and firetruck – in good condition, only 55,290 miles on it in fact (my dad’s Dodge Charger has more miles on it than that). These puppies were inspected and repaired at DC taxpayer expense which frankly is the worst transgression of the whole thing: anyone who’s waited to get their car inspected or repaired at the what, two places in DC that will do it knows the pain. To think that this shit got done on my dime but not to be used for the many, many DC emergencies truly pisses me off.

Anyways, they needed a patsy. In walks Ron Moten, Chief Operating Officer of Peaceoholics, the group who recently had a mentor fired for child molestation. He says sure, I'll take responsibility for this, what's the worst that can happen? It's not like this shit is illegal or anything. These boys then bring in some lawyer types to draft emergency rule making mumbo jumbo and this becomes “legit”.

Mike Neibauer, that rapscallion muckraker, gets wind of this and his piece in the DC Examiner saying "hey you fucktards, we could have used that firetruck and Dalmatian that (probably) went with it!" Moten takes the fall like a typical patsy, saying “Oh, hey, this is totally our fault. We're the ones that wanted to give DC property away for bananas and blow, not the DC government. Peaceoholics loves Dominican Republic so much despite the fact that I personally have never been there so I don’t know. I hear the ladies are smokin’ hot but I don’t even have a passport.” Shit rains down from the heavens and it makes Fenty look like the jackass that he is.

But this has a happy ending! The April 3rd Attorney General’s report doesn’t even mention Jannarone, Skinner, the attorneys involved in covering this up, or any other DC officials for that matter. Because you know, they’ve got a lot of shit going on right now. Their best frat bud Adrian won’t return their calls and they broke things off with their Hispanola honeys because those squirrels were just getting too clingy, you know what I mean?