Hysteria: Swine Flu Hits Washington, D.C.!

As I vector toward lunch by Metro train yesterday, I spy a most beautiful young woman, if a bit fashion forward.

With her eyes, she glares at me as we pass in Metro Center, her mouth and snout hidden behind a cotton surgical mask, making me wonder, “Do I look like I got swine flu, bitch?”

Yesterday, the Pentagon and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, continued to surveil the outbreak of the new A/H1N1 “swine flu” virus, as the World Health Organization in Geneva, Switzerland, raised its infectious disease threat level to “Phase 4,” two steps below pandemic.

With 149 deaths in Mexico and 40 non-fatal cases in the United States, the public naturally fears the occurrence of something scientists began predicting years ago—the emergence of a global pandemic flu strain such as that which killed one million people in 1968. Yet, President Obama and CDC officials took care yesterday to warn the public, too, against unnecessary alarm.

Following is a record of a question and answer session with the U.S. National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Md.:

1. How is swine flu transmitted?

Swine flu may be transmitted from person to person by contact with the mouth and snout.

2. Can you get swine flu by eating pork?

No, the Russian Federation needs to check their science. The A/H1N1 virus originated in swine before crossing species but is not a food-borne bacteria.

3. Can you get swine flu by riding the Metro?

No cases have been reported in the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area.

4. Can you get swine flu by blogging about the Metro?

No.

5. Can one contract swine flu by sleeping with a pig?

Sleeping with an unattractive woman who carries swine flu may certainly put you at heightened risk, particularly if you have contact with her mouth and snout.

6. Can you get swine flu by raping someone?

Yes. Um, why do you ask?