Why I Hate Why I Hate DC

I, and I suspect many of you, have recently come to the conclusion that this blog sucks.

Now, I have several hypotheses about why this is, not one of which involves me because, sad as this truth may be, blogging is one of the few things I'm actually good at. (The others are spelunking and imagining iterations of the McLaughlin Group that involve Elvira, Mr. Peanut, the Mucinex blob, and the cast of Different Strokes, the opening credits of which can be really f*cking creepy…)

Moreover, this blog also doesn't suck because of the rest of the "staff," a word I use loosely as none of us get paid for this nor have we ever even met.

Although, wait. That statement's not quite accurate. This blog sucks a little more each day the longer Dave goes without writing because his sh*t is pretty tight. (Dave, where in District hell are you?!)

Which brings me to m@ -- a person whose e-persona inadvertently seems to have taken this blog from being an objective and collective bitch-fest about how much we all love to hate (or simply hate) this backwards cess pool of a city to a forum about how much one or two (or more, perhaps, but who really cares) anonymous commenters seem to hate their lives.

Now, I'm not one to shy away from hating life. After all, just yesterday I discovered that I apparently hold a part-time job that pays me $2.37 per hour. Clearly, my life blows. However, despite my quick descent to rock bottom, one thing you'll never find me doing is dicking up a blog's comment section in a profoundly retarded manner.

A few days ago the infamous m@ wrote a post about something. In all honesty, I didn't really understand it. Then again, I think it's fair to blame my personal lack of understanding more on my helper horse, Sven, who was slurring his speech almost incomprehensibly while reading it aloud to me -- I'm illiterate -- after he stumbled home from a wild night in Adams Morgan. (Sven's such a douche.) Or maybe I'm just stupid. Either/or. Although how stupid can I be when I managed to procure a talking horse?

But magical creatures aside, none of this really matters. Specifically, my opinion on m@'s musings doesn't matter because why I've come to hate Why I Hate DC has nothing to do with m@ or his writing (some of which I like and, perhaps, could understand if I kept a sober helper mammal, and some of which deserves to be criticized, as do most thoughts of intentionally controversial writers/bloggers). Nope. The reason I've come to hate Why I Hate DC has to do with those few commenters who have nothing constructive to say, and instead resort to throwing around homophobic epithets such as "gay" or "faggy" after everything m@ posts. (And really, is that even an insult? I love the gays who are particularly faggy!)

But even those comments wouldn't be so bad (although still ignorant) if they were limited to that. At least those particular comments were directed at m@, who wrote the post. What really got my goat, or rather my helper horse, was when these few rogue commenters, who seemingly can't obsess enough over others' sexuality, decided to drop the formality of even including m@ in their over 100 (yes, ONE HUNDRED) ravings and instead fell into calling each other "gay" and "faggy."

It just doesn't make sense. If you want people to weirdly obsess over your sexuality, start your own damn blog and write about it, otherwise keep your comments focused on the post, a tangential issue, or at least its author, love or hate his apparent "faggy gayness."

Now, here's the paragraph where I'd love to name names, but it seems most of the perpetrators are anonymous, save for one Daniel Hoffmann-Gill, who, despite his perpetuation of the ridiculousness, at least had the courtesy to attach a name to his dickish online persona.

But seriously, cut it the f*ck out all you creepy single-white-femaling idiots. GET A HOBBY.

In closing, as this may end my short tenure here at WIHDC since I hate this site so much now and will probably be "fired" or simply quit, I'd like to leave you few (or many) non-sensical m@ haters-turned-comment hogs with the following fixed-gear wheel of wisdom:

Picture credit to Sucka Pants via BikeSnobNYC.

For the rest of you (the majority, I suspect), I invite you to find me regularly over at The Anti DC. (Shameless plug!) And if you hate me, too (which I’m sure at least two of you definitely do now), then forget about me (or, I suppose, just use this opportunity to call me "gay" and "faggy") and just watch this:



And yes, in case you were wondering, that clip was meant to serve as a fitting metaphor for WIHDC and is not a refection of Sven, who's decidedly not brain-damanged, but simply drunk.

Ciao.