Don't be hatin'

Hey haters,

Been in too good a mood lately to be doing any strong hatin' lately. My old job opened back up, so I'll be going back there and leaving behind motherfucking Reston pretty soon. And, it's football season, which always cheers me up. The weather has turned cool; the World Series is in full swing; it's almost Halloween. It's the best time of the year.

What can I say; happiness can, tragically, strike at any moment.

Don't worry, I'm sure the election will reverse all of that and really piss me off. I'm hoping there are a lot, a LOT, of people who only use cell phones instead of land lines these days.

Meanwhile:

- I think I said this last year, but Halloween is the one time of year I can really almost tolerate D.C. That's because all its uppity, tweedy twenty-to-thirty-something denizens, who have sold their souls in exchange for the illusion of power and/or wealth, finally get one day to shed their inhibitions and let their hair down. And I'm not talking about kicking it with the polo-shirt-and-khaki combo on casual Friday; I'm talking 28-year-old women who spend 364 days a year conforming and repressing to social and workplace mores... putting on Catholic school uniforms and pretending to be bad. That's freakin' hot.

- Oh man, how awesome is Jon Stewart? Tucker Carlson still has bootmarks on his ass. Mr. Stewart, you are a tiny Jewish GOD. It was the ultimate triumph of intelligence over mindless Washington spin. BRILLIANT. The uncomfortable comedy moment of the decade.

- I've got to stop listening to local AM radio. It's like a sickness. The other day, on WMAL, Chris Core was truly flabberghasted as to why Muslims were polling for Kerry by a 10-to-1 margin. After three calls from virulently anti-Muslim Bush supporters, he still claimed to be stumped. On Michael Graham's show, he claimed to prefer the Bush ticket to the supposedly shrill, bitter negativity of the Kerry campaign. This is the same Bush ticket with a veep who said "Go fuck yourself" on the floor of the Senate, is it not? I wanted to call in and issue a beatdown, but I hate myself enough already. I popped in an Oakenfold CD instead.

In conclusion, please bear with me during this fallow period of hate. Probably, when football season comes to an end, and my hands become more idle, you'll be seeing more of me here. In the meantime, stay informed with the excellent DCist. They're all over everything.

Baseball as a political football

OK, I'm obviously happy that we got a baseball team. That's something I've really missed over the past three years. Now there will finally be something entertaining to do during the summer, other than intentionally giving wrong directions to tourists.

Naturally, Washington residents are trying to make the excitement and fun of getting a baseball team as excruciating as possible by bringing politics into the mix. You know what the game of baseball should have nothing to do with? Politics. And yet, here's Mark Plotkin in the Post last week, whining that, because D.C. residents have to senators to represent them, the team should not be named senators.

I understand and appreciate nostalgia. I know it can be powerful. But let's not confuse nostalgia with reality. The District doesn't have senators, so why perpetuate a lie? What better time to discard our accommodating way, our passive personality and insist -- no, demand -- that we name our team right?

Oh, the DRAMA!

Yes, I'm sure naming the team something other than Senators will, after two centuries, finally let those filthy Congressmen know D.C. means business now, bitch. "Oh, you still won't let us have senators? Well... well... then we're not naming our baseball team after you!"

That's adorable.

(Seriously, you want representation? It's not going to happen via slogans on license plates and flags. You guys need some non-violent resistance up in here. Block off bridges with protestors; convince Metro train drivers to all call in sick one day. Congress can't run without the cooperation of D.C. residents, so be uncooperative. Gandhi-style, bitches!)

But I digress. The fun-loving Plotkin goes on to suggest some "better" team names:

My preference would be the Washington Subjects or the Washington Serfs or the Washington Disenfranchised. That won't happen, I know. Those names too accurately reflect our true status.

Right, the only reason those names won't happen is because that's real life, and the man can't handle it! And not because, you know, baseball is not supposed to be about a futile political cause.

(Heh, "Washington Disenfranchised." I can hear the post-game show now. "D's lose to Mets, 7-4. Fans, don't forget next Tuesday is Felon Appreciation Night at the ballpark. First 5,000 felons through the gate receive a free Katherine Harris bobblehead doll.")

Meanwhile, the ridiculous name suggestions keeps pouring in, showcasing the complete lack of creativity and originality we Washingtonians tend to exhibit. "Diplomats," "Mudslingers," "Politicians?" Stupid, dumb, retarded. I would have thought "Senators" was the only name that made sense, but since two suchly teams jilted the city in the past, I can also understand the desire for a new name and a fresh start. For some reason "Washington Monuments" is popular; because we want our team to be likened to a large, phallic, gray slab of marble. Perhaps they could have two-tone uniforms: one shade of gray down to about their thighs, and then a slightly different shade of gray for the rest of it. (My first architectural joke, ladies and gentlemen!)

The mayor said he'd prefer "Grays." While I can appreciate the homage to the Negro League team (that often outdrew the first version of the Senators), could he possibly pick a more boring team name? OK, I suppose "Grays" would at least match the city's complete lack of personality.

As a service to the mayor, I present a compromise: "Gray Sox." That way, you have the homage to the Grays, but you also have a better sounding traditional baseball-type name that's not quite as boring.

Let's make some calls on this, people. Only you can prevent the team being named the "Serfs."

Ugh... what's worse? Watching creativity-impared Washingtonians trying to name the team, or the anticipation of having to deal with all the "famous for D.C." people snatching up the good seats so they can show themselves off at the ballpark next year? Here's a preview of Wonkette's "Wonk'd" feature in April 2005:

OMG i just saw goerge stephanopolus (sp?) at the game. he was in the sixth row on the thrid base side. oh, i also think i saw ashcroft serving hot dogs, LOL ;)

I can't wait.

My fellow Virginians: so very retarded

Thirty armed people showed up at the Falls Church city council meeting last week. It was our old friends, the Virginia Citizens Defense League of Douchebags, who this week were defending their right to scare everyone shitless, and threaten civil servants in a supposedly non-threatening way.

Meanwhile, in a, and I think you know where I'm going here, completely unrelated story (TM), this idiot sent his son to school with a backpack containing a loaded semiautomatic handgun.

Fouche, a contractor who has a permit to carry a concealed weapon, said in an interview that he took his son to soccer practice Wednesday evening, brought along the gun -- which he said he carries all the time for self-defense -- and put it in the backpack for safekeeping. He said he forgot to remove the gun from the pack before sending his son to school.

Utterly. Fucking. Brilliant. Because you never know when those filthy communists are going to take over little Billy's soccer practice! For the love of fucking God, WHY ARE YOU TAKING A LOADED SEMI-AUTO TO YOUR KID'S SOCCER PRACTICE?!? And then, obviously, the kind of man who would pack heat at soccer practice is the same kind of genius who would forget to take it out of his kid's backpack before sending him to school.

Also completely unrelated: the target="_blank">near-Columbine that almost happened at Bull Run Middle School.