Four Alarm Blaze...In My Pants!

Sorry this here blog has been so quiet. I've been a busy, busy boy.

The big story in the news since the beginning of my two day sabbatical is without a doubt the revelation that Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) is the type of dude that knows bathroom solicitation code and probably trolls on Craigslist's casual encounters page. Frankly, I could care less. That doofus is Idaho's problem, not mine.

I'm much more offended by the allegation that DC firemen and EMTs are running prostitution rings out of firehouses. These people are employed to protect us. Running a criminal enterprise is, correct me if I'm wrong, counter-intuitive to protection.

Sure, these are only allegations. But would it really surprise anyone if they turned out to be true? DC city officials are a joke. Firefighters running sex rings, a policeman forcing a motorist to perform sex acts, and let's not forget the EMTs who doomed David Rosenbaum. The police, fire department, and hospitals are all useless. If this were a game of Sim City we'd all have been destroyed by a disaster by now.

Of course, in Sim City 3000, the stadiums aren't funded with taxes and the schools are easy to fix.


Fire in the Metro!

So, Sunday the Metro totally went to shit. I spent the entire day shopping for new chinos and playing poker. All are within walking distance. The Metro was not a top priority. I didn't even know there was a problem until 11am Monday morning. I would have posted something, but I had to have my little freak-out at Laura Sessions Stepp and her promotion of "gray rape."

(Incidentally, the term "gray rape" was coined by GW students, not by LSS. And I'm not saying that anyone isn't condemning "gray rape." But the very term is offensive and anyone who promotes it must really hate the victims of sexual assault. "Gray," that mitigating adjective, makes it seem like the rape was partially the victim's fault. And that is totally fucked up. I don't care if a naked lady is passed out in some frat boy's bed. There is never an excuse or a mitigating factor in rape.)

So, the Metro went to Hell and I missed my opportunity. Ha ha, just kidding. The "unprecedented" is now quite precedented. The Metro fucked up again yesterday evening. This time, I was on the Green Line and was caught in the middle of it. Admittedly, the inconvenience was minor. But I guess the Blue Line was shut down between Braddock Road and the Pentagon. That inconvenience is not minor. Quite major.

Thank you, Metro, for giving me a mulligan the first time around.

What a terrible fucking system of transportation. Here we are in a Southern city and this thing shuts down over "heat." Now it's an electrical surge that has completely fucked our system. And the response to the problem was so inept, God help us all if there's ever a situation where our lives are in peril and we need to get out of the tunnels. The Metro will be the end of us all.


LSS, You Fucking Cunt

I am sorry for the blue language, but this woman is doing more to undermine feminism than every episode of Ally McBeal combined. Good fucking Christ on the Cross.

It's not enough that she writes pointless drivel about women not being able to handle their own sexuality. Her stupid hypothesis that women can't handle the pressures of being equal with men in the workplace while simultaneously having sexual relationships is already a low fucking blow. The fact that its intellectually dishonest I can handle. It makes her ideas that much easier to ignore. But why won't she fucking quit?

LSS wrote an article for Cosmo about something she, or maybe some editor, has coined "gray rape." Gray rape is when you're really drunk and you say "no," but it doesn't really matter since you're so fucking wasted.


LSS used to amuse me. Her stupid "the kids aren't alright" alarmist bullshit stories were asinine as Hell, but, come on, we all got our kicks from them. But her invention of the term "gray rape" is so fucking disgusting that I as soon as I read this, the first thing I did was jump over to Blogger so I could freak out over the Internet. I mean, there were like a dozen Metro fires yesterday, and I honestly couldn't give a shit. So, thank you, LSS for making me tolerate the city a little bit more. I can tolerate everything right now except for you and your bullshit and your disrespect towards women.

Women can fuck around without becoming emotional wrecks. Women can handle grad school, boyfriends, vacations in Greece*, teabagging* and whatever without becoming wrecks. Hell, they can even hook up with boys and still get good grades and still have fulfilling lives.


Seriously, Fuck You, LSS. FUCK YOU.

*Two specific examples from her book. And yes I still have my autogrpahed copy.
**And a hat tip to Becky for sending me the Jezebel link. I just noticed a few readers e-mailed me the same link. Thanks to all of you for not letting me mmiss this bullshit.
***Third edit is so I can type "Laura Sessions Stepp" out so she'll read this if she Googles herself.


Silly Washington Post Chat

This is old, but a friend, Agatha, just sent it to me today:

Downtown Washington: Because you (or at least your 15th and L brethren) work right near there, perhaps you have some sort of dirt on that sketched-out bar on L Street at 15th, right next to Ollie's Trolley and down the street from the Post Pub. It only seems to be open late at night, has a hand-written sign in the window that says "Smoking Allowed Here" and always seems to have about 10-15 shady-looking people hanging out front. Any ideas? I work near there at night, and always have been curious.

Fritz: That's the bar attached to Ollie's Trolley, which does -- somehow -- have one of the few permits allowing indoor smoking in Washington. It does feel kind of sketchy inside, but if you need a smoke with a bottle of beer ...

Well, it should feel sketchy because it's a fucking brothel. Agatha, Toby, and I stumbled across it after The Green Lantern got a little too touchy-feely-cruisy for my tastes. This was back in July, 2005.

Agatha and I walked in and knew immediately that we were in the company of prostitutes. That area is known for prostitution, so, whatever. We were further skeeved out by the bar's refusal to take credit cards. And there was a TV playing HBO's Real Sex.

My favorite touch was the upstairs. It consisted of two locked doors and a smoke machine. How someone can mistake this for anything but a brothel is amazing.

Toby and Ag pretended to make out because they figured, correctly, that seeing me navigate this awkward situation without a safety net would be hilarious. Sure enough, a prostitute asked me if I was looking for a good time. I was not. She wouldn't really take "no" for an answer. The bartender pulled me aside and asked her to leave me alone.

Thanks, Mr. Bartender!

Haha, just kidding. The bartender takes me to the cash register where he shows me a bunch of photos of that same woman naked and finger-blasting herself.

I made a quick exit.

So, yeah. No matter how much you love smoking indoors, do not go to the bar above Ollie's Trolley.

But if you love hookers, go nuts.


Killing Dogs: Bad, Killing Eagles: Hilarious

On the same day the Post features a story on dogfighting, the Metro section has a fun little story about two numbnuts being fined for killing bald eagles. One numbnut made what appears to be a legitimate oopsie. Foxes were eating his chickens so he poisoned some chicken eggs. Fox eats eggs. Fox dies. Mission accomplished until eagle eats dead fox. The circle of life cost this poor sap over a thousand bucks.

The other numbnut, Francis G. Long, Jr., is absolutely glorious.

On a drizzling evening in March, hunting enthusiast Francis G. Long Jr. was shooting small game from the back porch of his apartment in Southern Maryland, as he had many times.

There's nothing quite as thrilling as shooting animals from your apartment. In no way is this dangerous.

Long had shot and killed other wildlife from the porch of his St. Mary's County home, including turkey vultures, a skunk and a woodchuck..."

So it's not just birds! He's aiming at things on the ground. Let's all take a moment and thank our Higher Power, whoever that may be, for sparing the lives of any children that may have wandered past Long's back porch.

Anyways, here's where this gets good.

"I feel terrible, especially now that we're at war," Long said. "There's a lot of patriotic sentiment out there. Some people might look at this like burning a flag.

He added: "I was just messing around and wanted to shoot a vulture one day and thought it was funny. So much for that. No more shooting in the back yard, I guess."

I get the feeling that Long may not be very bright. However I totally understand his need to own a gun. He works in Waldorf. And we all know that Waldorf is "pretty ghetto."

Someone needs to explain to me why hunting small game from an apartment building for sport is considered more humane than killing dogs. I would really appreciate it.


Did You Know Washington Has Group Houses?

It's true! Group houses here in DC. This journalistic coup was generated by The Washington Post in a hard-hitting article that was published this morning. The Post sent crack reporter Monica Hesse into a Mount Pleasant group house and reported her wacky observations.

People in group homes hoard Oreos! And they share chores. They do not share laundry detergent. Wacky! Who knew these people lived among us?

Ok, confession time. I live in a group house. I am one of them. We all met through a mutual friend and have been sharing chores and figuring out a shower schedule ever since. The Post article gives little details about what it's like over on 1700 Park Road. I would do the same for my home except I get the feeling that no one gives a shit.

You don't care what we watch on TV. You don't care what time we take showers. You don't care about my brand of laundry detergent or what kind of beer I buy. If you do care, you shouldn't. So, kudos to the Post for publishing an article that no one could possibly care about. Group home living isn't news to anyone and it isn't of interest to anyone other than the story's subjects and story's author. The Post is batting 0-for-2 here.

What's next? An article about the various challenges one must face when living in a dorm? How about apartment living? Oh, the challenges of waiting for building management to send an exterminator after you saw that cockroach by the garbage disposal!

And this excerpt made me dry-heave:

How do you make a home in D.C.?

Where half of the people you meet are recovering valedictorians whose plans to save the world don't allow time for coffee? Where the other half have lived in D.C. for so long that they are suspicious of you, the newbie, who does not get the jokes about Marion Barry, about the Soviet Safeway, about the delays on the Green Line? How do you join that community?

I double-dare you to find someone living in this city who doesn't get a Marion Barry joke. Like, who hasn't seen Bring the Pain?

But, yeah. A city filled with idealist fucks and townie snobs. Sounds about right to me.


Analysis of College Rankings, Season 2

Please see last year's post for my opinion on various schools. I'm just going to chart movement here.

I doubt it needs to be said but these rankings are stupid. I hate them. Who gives a shit about alumni donations?

T14. Johns Hopkins University
Last year: 16

Tied with Brown and Northwestern. Seems about right. Congrats on beating the Duke Rapcists in this year's NCAA Men's Lacrosse Finals.

T23. University of Virginia
T23. Georgetown University
Last year: 24 (UVA), 23 (Gtown)

And UVA catches up! Huzzah! Take that, Hoyas!

T54. George Washington University
T54. University of Maryland - College Park
Last year: 52 (GW), 54 (UMD)

Oooh, a backslide! I've been pretty outspoken about my disdain for Maryland students. Perhaps their tie with a local school on the US News rankings will give them cause to set a couch on fire. Fear the Turtle!

Oh, poor George Washington. Having to share space with those cretins in Prince George's County. No one deserves such a fate.

Pepperdine, the most beautiful campus on Earth, is also tied at 54.

T71. Virginia Tech
Last Year: 77.

This hardly seems fair. A school massacre would actually help them in the rankings due to the crazy increase in alumni donations. Shouldn't a school be penalized for not locking down its campus with a murderer on the loose? Like, there should be a penalty for that.

T85. American University
Last Year: 86

Yay! Up a spot! Whoooo!

Now is the time to mention in the comments that you went to a better school than me and that my diploma might as well be toilet paper.

AU is tied with Denver, Kansas, NC State, and Iowa State. We're still (barely) ahead of Alabama.

T96. Howard University
Last Year: 88

Uh oh. Big drop. Sorry, dudes.

T122. Catholic University
Last Year: 120

That's 122 out of 130. There's no school, other than Maryland of course, that I despise more than Catholic. What do you expect when my only experience on that campus was being dragged to a, ahem, Rusted Root concert? I was dragged I tell you! So, yeah, no fond memories there.

Here's the link you can use to find out how your school did. And, again, congrats for getting into a better school than me.


Mourning + Newsworthiness = $$$

Virginia Tech will offer the families of the April massacre victims $180,000. Some families don't think that's enough.

No word on how much the family of Michael Whitfield is being offered.


I'm a Coward, but Not an Asshole

There was a letter to the editor in yesterday's Post about treating the homeless with humanity. If you don't have change or even if you don't want to hand a stranger a spare quarter, at least look them in the eye and say, "Sorry, I can't help you today."

Yesterday, outside the Tenley Starbucks, a man was sitting down asking for change. One person he asked, an older white man, responded with "No wonder you're poor if you keep drinking that expensive coffee."

You son of a bitch. Hell, I prefer it when some asshole gets asked if he has change, answers "yes," and then walks away. But this guy takes the cake. Making flippant comments to someone in need? Is that how you get your rocks off? Well fuck you, you lily-white priviledged fuck.

He was acting like something similar couldn't happen to someone he loves. Well it fucking can. Al Gore and football coach Andy Reid were both in the news for trouble caused by their children involving drugs. Prescription drugs and heroin is like jumping in the express lane to homelessness. Look at former Florida Governor "Jeb" Bush. His daughter Noelle has been in and out of rehab with severe drug addiction issues. So, asshole, yeah this can happen to you or your loved ones. It doesn't matter how much money you have or how great a parent you think you are.

And fuck me for being such a coward and walking away. That motherfucker deserved to be shamed in front of all of Tenleytown and I couldn't bring myself to say a word to him. Instead I resort to bitching semi-anonymously on the Internet. Awesome. Good for me.

I'm sure you have all witnessed similar ass-hattery from people here in Washington. It's inevitable in a city with such a high homeless population and such a high concentration of privileged fuckers, douchebags, college students, etc. That coffee jab can't be the worst. I'd love to hear your stories in the comments.



Someone left this in the comments:

"I was walking home on Rhode Island Av., in front of the Catholic Charities Center for the Homeless, in a well lit area, and with a knife on my chest so I gave him all my money, then he made me empty my pockets and demanded only the cash; then, he said "go." As I got on to the corner of 6 St. and Rhode Island, and turned left I was shocked and froze to hear the same phrase, and I turned to look on the corner of my eye I saw that he was mugging to another guy in the very same spot were he intercepted me"

The whole story is here.

Please note how 911 put the victim on hold (!) and 311 (the shitty city service, not the shitty band) treated the victim with disdain. I've had my own terrible 311 experiences as I called to report flooding on Nebraska Avenue caused by a broken hydrant or broken water line. They asked for the closest address and I gave them the address for what was then the Swedish Embassy. They told me no such address existed and hung up on me.

The employees of the city, the people hired to protect you, could give a shit about you and your problems.


If You Want to Rob a Bank...

Today's your day.

If you're the type whose lifelong dream is to wreak some mayhem on the streets of DC, your best odds are right now. Police Chief Lanier's "All Hands on Deck" nonsense has resulted in such exorbiant overtime payouts that the city is currently being underserved by the MPD to cut costs.

Fewer than half the number of officers needed to patrol some neighborhoods are available to work the second half of this week. Some officers are estimating the entire police force is down by about a third right now.

Hopefully this will buy you some time when you rob that bank.

I know I should give it more of a chance, but "All Hands on Deck" has been a catastrophic failure. The extra police presence hasn't prevented any crime. And now we have a severe police shortage. That won't prevent any crime either. I get the feeling that if crime drops in the city it will be despite Chief Lanier instead of because of it.

But, hey, at least she hasn't been stealing from DC's coffers. Small victories!


Metro Bomb Scare

It was fucking paper and cardboard. Three stations closed because of a box filled with cardboard.

It's over. The terrorists won.



I am not going to complain about the heat. That would be ridiculous. I mean, it;s unbearable out there, but that happens in DC a few times a year. I just hate how Washington handles it. You'd think that a city that gets extreme heat and humidity wouldn't feature a subway line that can't function in extreme heat and humidity. But here we are.

Ok, so expect some minor delays?


Rusty's Theory of Metro Delays, that when one thing goes wrong everything else spirals out of control, is once again supported by empirical evidence. Check this out:

Dupont Circle station temporarily closed due to suspicious package on board a train (red line). Shuttle bus service requested between Woodley Park and Farragut North stations.

Oh fuck a duck. I've heard Cleveland Park and Woodley Park are closed as well. Fuck. FUCK.

Why does this shit have to happen? That fucking suspicious package better be a fucking bomb because if I'm stuck in downtown DC in 100-degree heat because of a backpack with some yuppie douche's gym clothes in it, I am going to have a major fucking meltdown.

(Irony alert: I am a yuppie douche and I was planning on going to the gym today.)

And I know the suspicious package and the heat are unrelated, but, Jesus, this shit always seems to happen at the same time. How the fuck do I get home now? A cab? Guhh. Do they have meters yet? Of course they fucking don't.

I hate this fucking city.


I probably should have mentioned this yesterday, but, oh well. All of the 9:30 Club staff was forced to work the Virgin Fest. I don't really have a problem with that. I do have a problem with the Club refusing to pay for travel or lodging expenses. You'd think the profit margins being reaped on six dollar bottles of Yuengling would afford these guys some goodwill, but, no.

Oh, if you couldn't find or afford a place to stay, they'd let you camp out in a tent at the Merriweather Post Pavilion a mere 20 miles away. Because showers are for suckers.

Ok, I know that these people got into a $200 music festival for free. If you're a big Police fan, this is a great deal. If you don't care for any of the bands that played Pimlico, this is a fucking travesty. You lose your weekend and you lose money out-of-pocket for little luxuries like a roof over your head and, assuming you don't have a car, a train ride. Weak.



It should be really hard to complain about DC after spending a weekend in Baltimore for Virgin Fest. Baltimore...Baltimore has some issues. Walking from Pimlico to the Rogers Avenue Metro station was not the wisest choice. My "white bitches," the title some of my friends were given by a local, agreed.

But, whoo-boy. One hour of Internet and e-mail and suddenly the rage is back. Thanks to all the e-mailers and the blogs (really just DCist) that gave me such valuable ammunition.

First, thanks to a reader for sending me this link. It's pretty boring, so let's dive right into the good stuff:

Washington, D.C., has the country's least safe bridges, with 63 percent of the district's 245 bridges rated either structurally deficient or functionally obsolete.

Hurray! Next time you walk across Rock Creek Park or drive across the Potomac, keep your fingers crossed. The Douglass Bridge is currently closed so there's a minimal chance of joining the distinguished list of corpses pulled from the Anacostia.

To Washington's credit, or, more accurately, to my home state's discredit, Massachusetts is right down there with DC in terms of bridge disrepair. Maybe my folks' property values will go up if they market their house as an island estate should a bridge drop.

Let's move on to my favorite whipping boy: Metro. We all know Metro is in desperate need to limit costs and/or increase revenue. As much as we would all hate a fare increase, there is one idea floating around that is much worse. Metro is considering removing its late-night service.

This is a nightmare. An absolute nightmare. People depend on the Friday and Saturday late-night trains to get home after a night of drinking. What other alternative is there? Busing? That's Metro General Manager John Catoe's suggestion. More buses. Oh my Christ. Mr. Catoe likes making a big deal of how he takes the Metro to work every day. Well, Mr. Catoe, have you ever tried getting a bus after 10pm? It's a fucking crap shoot. Hell, 10pm is being generous. It's always a crap shoot. It won't be any different at 2am.

DCist points out that this could very well lead to an increase in drunk driving. I find it impossible to disagree with them. More people will drive to get to their favorite bars.

The Metro gives reasonable access to most of the city. Buses don't. How the fuck would they expect me to get from U Street to my home in AU Park by bus? I guess I would have to take the Adams-Morgan connector, hop on the L2, and then walk a mile from Connecticut Avenue to Wisconsin Ave. on the same dark street where a New York Times reporter was bludgeoned to coma by some thugs before being killed off by DC paramedics and hospital workers. Thanks, but no thanks, DC.

And can you imagine the effect this will have on bars and nightclubs? This keeps drinkers tied to their bus lines. That leaves me Dupont and, shudder, Georgetown. Any bar off the beaten path will lose business.

The stupidity of removing late-night Metro service astounds me.

Finally, and again from DCist, comes this story of Hawk 'n' Dove refusing to admit Marines unless they're in uniform or accompanied by a lady. I hate to get all Michelle Malkin on you, but it takes a special kind of asshole to treat soldiers with anything but the utmost respect. I love me some pacifism too, but, Christ, these people are risking their lives for us. Just because I don't support the war in Iraq doesn't mean that I don't have the most sincere pride in knowing that my uncle is over there fighting for me.

So, fuck you Hawk 'n' Dove. Fuck you hard. They claim that Eastern Market bars were being hassled by Marines in the early-1990s. Uniform and women keep them behaved. If that's the case, Marines aren't the problem. Douchebags are the problem. To single out Marines as aggressive unruly men is unfair and disgusting. I've never been to Hawk 'n' Dove which makes it considerably easier for me to boycott it.

Boycott established.


Metro Shenanigans

It's easy to see why DC's subway has its proponents. It's so freaking clean and its considerably cheaper than Boston and New York. It's still a relatively young system, too. There are less maintenance issues than what you'll find elsewhere.

But something is always not quite right. Perhaps it's that it's never something. It's always everything.

I almost never travel on the Blue/Orange lines, thank Christ. Check this out.

A line is shut down because a train's brakes fail. Of course it's during rush hour. And of course it's a major problem that forces the WMATA to resort to using one track. And of course it's at one of the busiest stops on the Metro. And of course they don't get the word out warning people not to take the fucking subway.

The subway is a joke. The scary part is that it's still way more reliable than taking the bus. You know how people say "I don't know what the point of having a car in the city"? Well, I'm the opposite. How can you not have a car here?


If You See a Mob, Run.

Over the weekend seven people got shot in Northeast. Fortunately, amazingly, no one died. I guess the gunmen were aiming low. There was a big poo-poo over this since it happened during one of those wacky weekends where Chief Lanier demands an increased police presence by forcing every cop to work overtime. Back to the drawing board, Chief.

The violence in Northeast took a rather bizarre turn yesterday. There are now hordes of lawlessness shooting people in the back. That's right. Hordes. Two people were shot by an unruly mob last night. Again, no one died.

It feels like we're getting awfully close to another stupid "crime emergency." If some of those bullets had hit vital organs, we'd probably already be there. If, or when, people start actually dropping, it'll be interesting to see how Fenty handles it. He was the lone dissenting vote when the DC Council passed that stupid crime emergency legislation last year. If his administration is really driven by "vision" like he promised during the campaign, it will be interesting to see what new ideas he has to offer. If we get another youth curfew and more useless surveillance cameras, I won't know what to do with myself.