Killing Dogs: Bad, Killing Eagles: Hilarious

On the same day the Post features a story on dogfighting, the Metro section has a fun little story about two numbnuts being fined for killing bald eagles. One numbnut made what appears to be a legitimate oopsie. Foxes were eating his chickens so he poisoned some chicken eggs. Fox eats eggs. Fox dies. Mission accomplished until eagle eats dead fox. The circle of life cost this poor sap over a thousand bucks.

The other numbnut, Francis G. Long, Jr., is absolutely glorious.

On a drizzling evening in March, hunting enthusiast Francis G. Long Jr. was shooting small game from the back porch of his apartment in Southern Maryland, as he had many times.

There's nothing quite as thrilling as shooting animals from your apartment. In no way is this dangerous.

Long had shot and killed other wildlife from the porch of his St. Mary's County home, including turkey vultures, a skunk and a woodchuck..."

So it's not just birds! He's aiming at things on the ground. Let's all take a moment and thank our Higher Power, whoever that may be, for sparing the lives of any children that may have wandered past Long's back porch.

Anyways, here's where this gets good.

"I feel terrible, especially now that we're at war," Long said. "There's a lot of patriotic sentiment out there. Some people might look at this like burning a flag.

He added: "I was just messing around and wanted to shoot a vulture one day and thought it was funny. So much for that. No more shooting in the back yard, I guess."

I get the feeling that Long may not be very bright. However I totally understand his need to own a gun. He works in Waldorf. And we all know that Waldorf is "pretty ghetto."

Someone needs to explain to me why hunting small game from an apartment building for sport is considered more humane than killing dogs. I would really appreciate it.


  1. I'm pretty sure shooting animals from your apartment is on Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be A Redneck If" list.

  2. wow, rusty, just wow, please tell me you're not serious. because if you really don't see the difference between fighting/torturing dogs (to include rape stands, electrocutions, & any other sordid details in michael vick's indictment that i may have overlooked), then the only way i can explain it to you is by asking you not to have kids.

  3. because puppies are cute, but small game is kinda gross.

  4. Coffee, leave the Vick stuff out of it. Straight up, is killing a dog for sport less moral than killing an eagle or possum for sport? I think you would have a hard time arguing that one is acceptable while the other is not.

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  6. Dogs take all this time and work -- opossum just eat our trash! They are trying to save our planet while dogs are keeping us reliant on Chinese products (poisenous dog foods, etc.).

    I say shoot the dogs!

    U S A, U S A.

  7. you didn't specifically say killing dogs for sport in your initial post and besides, i wouldn't consider what the two jackasses in the wa post article were doing sport. i will say that i think there is a clear moral difference between killing certain domesticated animals for sport and killing certain wild (assuming its not protected by statute) animals for sport.

  8. Rusty,

    "is killing a dog for sport less moral than killing an eagle or possum for sport?"

    I'll answer - we don't have eagles and possums as pets. Nor vultures, squirrels, and other "small game."


  9. Boyer,

    They aren't mainstream pets, but I swear to you that people do have those as pets, and not an insignificant number of people.

    There are other pets that you and I haven't even heard of, I'm sure, that would be on the same moral sliderule as shooting dogs or opossum.

    Basically, because humans are weird, exempting things we do, or would like to, keep in our homes from being shot on "moral" grounds is both logically shaky and totally silly.

    I call bs. I want a better reason.

  10. The fact that you mentioned they aren't "mainstream pets" backs up my argument further. I'm from the deep south - believe me - I realize that people have the occasional raccoon, opossum, various birds, etc., that stick around and eat whatever those who choose to have them around leave for them.

    As to the 'moral sliderule,' I'm not saying that what my boy in Waldorf was doing WAS in any way moral, I'm just saying watching and encouraging dogs to rip each other to shreds for 45 minutes-1 hour is less "moral" than poppin' a cap in a squirrel (by the way, squirrel is actually fairly tasty, if cooked properly).

    I think you and I are in agreement that using the word "moral" to begin with was shaky.

  11. Umm... wait a sec. You have eaten squirrel?

  12. Boyer,

    Is it just because we're from places where we eat things that live in our yard which people from other parts of the country would have exterminated?

    Heartland 4 lyfe.