A Quick Note

Dear Fellow Metro Rider,

Boy, the train was crowded today, wasn't it? I mean, really packed full. You were pretty lucky to get a seat!

And, look at that, you actually got two seats. I see you decided that your bag and jacket needed a rest too. Those inanimate objects sure look comfortable on that plush Metro seat. You are surrounded by people staring at you, but you don't want to inconvenience the jacket. Got it.

And some of the people are older too! Not senior citizens, but definitely in their 50s. They probably need the seat more than your bag. Don't 50-year-olds have creaky knees and backs? Whatever. And some of the people are women. I don't want to be old-fashioned and suggest that women depend on male chivalry, but it's awfully polite to give a woman your seat, don't you think?

No, you don't think that. Those two seats are all yours. Why should you give up your hard-earned seats?

Here's why. Because not giving up at least one, one!, of your two seats makes you a motherfucking asshole. I honestly think that Hitler would have given up his seat for Eva Braun. I would never call someone "worse than Hitler," but you're certainly more impolite. And I honestly hope you die.

Fuck your mother, suck my dick, and die in a fire,

Metro Dress Rehearsal

This morning, Metro Transit Police swept the Stadium-Armory stop on the Blue/Orange line. Their reason? Responding to a tip concerning an unattended bag? Sadly, no. They were sweeping the station to step up their visibility. Metro claims that this will show Metro commuters that they can feel safe making the perilous commute from Largo to Metro Center.

Anytime a government agency is doing something soley to reassure its constituents, that's usually bad news. Anyone who felt safer seeing these bomb-sniffing dogs moving from train to train is, well, retarded. I would feel safer knowing that Metro Transit Police was, you know, actually policing. Instead, they're out performing a dress rehearsal.

I have never hoped for a terrorist attack before, but I want one to smack the Metro next time these guys are doing this. I want anthrax or TNT to be found in the furthest stop from their next public relations farce*. Perhaps then they'll see that sending bomb-sniffing dogs to Metro stops just to prove to commuters that they actually exist is a folly. These little play-acting games actually make us less safe. So, way to go Metro Transit Police. Thank you for valuing public relations over the safety of your customers. You fuckwits.

And I wish I were more familiar with the demographics of the early morning Blue/Orange rush over by the Armory. Looking at the surrounding stops, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that a heavy majority of the Metro riders during this sweep were black. If I'm wrong, please don't hesitate to correct me. But I doubt I'm wrong. I've been to Minnesota Avenue before. Not a white person to be seen.

You think Metro would pull this shit in the white parts of town? It would be a miracle to see bomb-sniffing dogs in Friendship Heights. Unless, of course, there's actually a bomb. Metro: incompetent and kind of racist.

*I don't really want a terrorist attack in DC. Please spare me the angry e-mails.


Good Riddance

This may be old news to everyone, but it is new(s) to me. Washington will be getting a little more tolerable in a week as the M Street nightclub of the damned, Lulu's Club Mardi Gras, will be closing. Forever.


Of course, there is now a chance that Lulu's clientele may descend upon one of my favorite bars demanding to grind to the latest jams from 50 Cent and Bon Jovi. While drinking Bug Lights (girls) or Coronas (boys). And wearing stupid pink bracelets that indicate they paid a stupid cover. That would be horrible.

I'm willing to take that chance. These people may be very nice as individuals. They could be caring, generous, kind, funny, etc. But, when they travel in packs they are insufferable. As they all find their new bars, let's hope that their separation from that douchebag black hole on 22nd and M turns them into new and better people.

And yes, I know, it's obnoxious to lump everyone into groups for the purpose of mocking them. I know it's not fair. If this bothers you as a Lulu's patron, I'm sorry. But, if you drink at Lulu's, why should I give you the benefit of the doubt?


The Nationals are Doomed

Baseball starts in less than 2 weeks. I am positively giddy. Go Red Sox! And, since I don't have a horse in the National League, go Nats (local team), Dodgers (a bunch of ex-Red Sox players), and Mets (PEDRO!).

The Nationals newest acquisition, 2B/LF Alfonso Soriano, has been in the news a lot lately for refusing to play the outfield. He has since relented. I left as many comments as I could on DCist in the middle of this brou-ha-ha trying to explain that the trade to get him was ridiculous and that it was stupid to throw him in the outfield. Admittedly, I did not do a great job of presenting my case.

Thankfully, Jacob Luft of CNNSI.com has made the case for me: LINK. I love it when a sportswriter actually uses statistical analysis instead of general assumptions to make an argument. It honestly makes my day. Pay particular attention to Soriano's home/road splits and to his defensive numbers. Conclusion: The Nationals are being run by a bunch of slack-jawed incompetents.

If you're a baseball fan in DC, I'm sorry. You're getting hosed. You're getting an inferior product.

If you are not a baseball fan, I'm sorry for writing this. I know it's not a sports blog. I'll do better next time.


I Refuse to Be Quote-Unquote Wowed

I find that life is a lot easier when you have an arch-nemesis. It's nice if the animosity is shared between the two parties, but it is by no means necessary.

With an arch-nemesis, you can take all of your problems (like dealing with an asshole landlord; 7 more days until I move!) and focus them all on one person who has somehow wronged you. That one person becomes everything you hate about DC, about others, and about yourself.

I haven't had an arch-nemesis in quite a while. It became a lot easier when I moved to my new place in luxurious Bethesda. This place has the Dish Network and my awful landlord never bothered to hook me up with a box. It was a blessing in disguise. This new arrangement means I can only watch the four basic channels. No more HBO or ESPN or VH-1 Classic.

There is one person who appears on these four channels at quite a clip. This one person represents everything I hate about my fellow humans. Nepotism, perkiness, a shrill voice that cuts into the depths of my soul. Shilling things I can't possibly afford. God, I hate her.

The focus of my ire is none other than Crystal Koons.

The only way I could possibly hate her more is if she spelled her name "Krystal." Who knows, maybe she does.

My television viewing consists of sports, Lost, 20 minutes of morning televsion, and the late-night news. That's it. And those last two are just dominated by Koons Toyota commercials. They're just quick flashes of Camries and Corollas while Crystal's high-pitched whine assures me that "we're gonna wow ya."

I think the worst sin of all is her fashion selection. She wears sweater vests. I wear sweater vests. When I go out wearing a hot new vest, I end up looking like Crystal Koons. The result for me is an unquantifiable level of anger.

That Crystal Koons is a mystery. How can someone who is on TV every four minutes not have any embarassing photos on the Internet? Check that, there are ZERO pictures of her online. Don't believe me? Here: LINK and LINK! Nothing!

Crystal Koons, I declare war. If you run into me on the street, look out. And if I run into you on the street while we're both wearing sweater vests, oh man, you're in trouble, missy.

UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention by my faithful readers that Koons does in fact spell her name with a "K." It's Krystal Koons. Jesus, what were her parents thinking? Was she named after the Koons's favorite stripper? I hope her middle name is Kandi. That would give her not one, but two stripper names and an awesome set of initials.


Metro is 0-for-2

In my previous hilarious post I complained about the Red Line being down on my first day back from Boston.

Now I would like to complain about the Red Line being down on my second day back from Boston.

Granted, this was only a 10-minute delay. Nothing to get my panties all in a bunch over. I mean, it sucks when you have to make small talk with people on a stationary train, but I'm a big boy and I can get over it.

But, damn it, Metro, do not inconvenience me for a third straight day. I have always been a secret fan of the subways here. They're clean. They get me where I want to go. Do the 17-minute waits on Saturday nights suck? Yes. But I have grown to accept them. But a third straight day of this crap would be unacceptable. A third straight day of this crap and you, Mr. Red Line, will be no better than the buslines. If I wanted to sit around not moving I would be driving on K Street.

Red Line, you are getting a short leash.


Backhanded Compliments

First and foremost, to prove I am not a negative-nelly, I offer the basketball programs at George Mason and Georgetown a hearty congratulations for advancing to the Sweet 16. I mean, George Mason? Who knew that one of the top-16 teams in the tournament would be from a commuter school?

Back to the hate:

I am back from Boston and I am alive. Huzzah. And what a wonderful city.

Now to be fair, there are some things about DC that are superior to Boston. Somewhere down the line, I got used to DC weather. So, the cold was a bit much. It was also strange being in a city with an inferior subway system. Sure Boston offers a lot more trains (no waiting after midnite!), but some lines take tokens while others take cards. That is supremely obnoxious. And I had to pull off a double transfer with about 20 drinks running through me. The nerve! So, DC subway, props for not making me change lines twice.

Also, and this is probably a biggie, I have never had anything stolen in DC. In Boston, someone snatched my jacket and my precious iPod. That kind of sucked. Now I am back to actively ignoring the homeless instead of merely passively ignoring them.

I think it says an awful lot that I was robbed of hundreds of dollars worth of clothing and gadgetry in the Hub and I still consider DC an inferior city. It was so nice being in a city with actual skyscrapers, with beautiful parks, with a local history and culture that is nearly unmatched.

Is Boston the greatest city in the world? Objectively, I would probably say no. But I dare someone to say, totally objectively, that DC is a better city than Boston. I double-dog-dare you. Even the local Boston assholes (questionably hatted "yeah, dudes" with khakis and Coronas) are more tolerable than the local DC assholes (90% of people interning on the Hill). At least the former group knows how to have fun.

So, anyways, I'm back in the DC/Bethesda grind. And hilariously, my very first day back to work, the Red Line was shut down between Metro Center and Van Ness. Remember how I was praising the DC subway a few paragraphs ago?

I take it back.


Dirty Water

Excellent news! I'm leaving the DC-area! For the next three days, I will be drinking my cares away in lovely Boston, MA.

Actually, the friend I'm staying with lives a quarter of a mile outside of the city limits in Milton, MA. I know from the Bethesda-DC debate that Milton just can not be considered Boston. They're two totally different places.

Doesn't that read ridiculously? So, DC-purists, admit it. Admit that people from Bethesda and NoVa are just as qualified to love or hate DC as anyone within the DC borders. Case closed. You lose. I win.

Anyways, I will be travelling with "Toby" of Vividblurry fame and our mutual friend (and Toby's roommate), Ag. We fly in and out of two of America's most famed cities: Providence and Baltimore.

I can't really describe how excited I am. I am not a native-Bostonian, but I am a Masshole. I think Masshole is such an endearing term of affection. In Massachusetts, people are so much looser. The "yeah, dude" mentality is obnoxious, but it's basically a big joke. In DC, people treat everything, even their drinking, far too seriously. Enough of that. I don't need that mentality sullying my favorite holiday of the year. (Incidentally, I am Irish.)

Regardless of my hatred for DC, there is no reason why people shouldn't spend every single Saint Patrick's Day in either Boston, New York, Chicago, or Ireland. Even if I were living in a more tolerable city than DC (like Gary, Indiana, for example), I would still be making this trip.

Well, I hope you miss me. I will miss you from the bottom of my black heart. CHEERS.


Blogger Happy Hour: A Review

I was lucky enough to catch some bloggers on the television last Wednesday (as in 3/8/06). I was home sick with the whooping cough, so I decided to catch the four o'clock news. Lo and behold, there was a story about blogger happy hours. This piqued my interest.

And then, today, DCist mentioned that there would soon be another blogger happy hour on 18th and M. 18th and M! That's my neck of the woods. I quickly decided to show up at this blogger happy hour incognito. I promised myself that I would not mention this blog or anything else relevant about myself. No marketing, no DC-hating, just people-watching. Here's a review of the night:

OK. Blogger happy hour. Problem #1 was the location. Yuca. It's some Cuban place. And it sucks balls. The two most noticeable aspects of Yuca were the lack of draft beers and their playing early-90s rap. It was one of the worst DC-establishments I have ever entered.

Problem #2 was the time. Yuca, as crappy as it is, advertises itself as having the longest happy hour in DC. It lasts from 4-8pm. So, having a blogger happy hour that starts at 7pm...that's just not cost-efficient.

I made the mistake of showing up to this thing at 6:15pm. And why not? The bar is literally steps from where I work. And why not cram as many cheap drinks in as possible before the bloggers descend upon my beautiful Wednesday evening.

Of course I get there and the place is dead. Despite my efforts to not be a lame blogger, I was actually the first blogger there. Sweet. There were literally 7 people in the bar when I arrived. I was the only one who spoke clear English out of all of 'em. Great.

Some young people, who I will assume were bloggers, started trickling in at 6:45. By 7, the scheduled start of this event, there were a good 20 people in the bar. An improvement from my situation 45 minutes earlier, but still not exactly a fun time.

Someone finally approaches me at 7:15. A blogger. He asks if I am here for the blogger summit, and I admit that I knew about it and was there to people watch. He asks me if I have a blog, and I admit I do. "I don't really like to market it," I reply nonchalantly.

"That's just because you've never had time to make business cards," he replies. And then he hands me a tye-dye business card with his URL on the front.


I'm sorry, but Jesus Christ. Business cards!? I mean, wow. This guy was nice enough, but if you take your blog, which he must have really taken seriously since it had a "dot blogspot" in the URL, and make business cards....I mean, you are beyond repair. No one can help you.

Soon enough I was rescued by a friend and we headed off to the Big Hunt and the Front Page (the latter featuring a singer-guitarist playing Green Day and Oasis covers that sounded worse than "cancer and AIDS combined").

Obviously, Blogger Happy Hour was a disaster. Bad location, bad time, low turnout.

That being said, I really do like the idea of a blogger happy hour. It's a chance for like-minded people to get to know one another. It's also a chance for our readers to get to know us. I hate it when an asshole blogger dismisses their audience by saying "you don't pay any money to read my writing" or "I write for me, not for you." Bullshit. Every hit I get is a miniature ego boost. I'm sure it's the same for the rest of my ilk. I, and I assume we, love, love, LOVE any feedback I/we can get. Even the negative stuff. Blogger happy hours provide an opportunity for me/us, theoretically, to meet my/our audience.

Unfortunately, these happy hours are kind of like universal health care. They sound awesome, and you think it could make everyone a little better off, but, pragmatically, they just don't work. Blogger happy hours attract the douchebags who take their blogs seriously. Their company is intolerable. I'm sorry, but taking your blog all seriously and shit is incredibly stupid. I can't imagine anything more lame. And, business cards. I still can't wrap my skull around that.

The blogger happy hour on NBC4 featured a full bar with all sorts of chit-chat. That looked kind of fun. Maybe tonight was the lame exception. I sure hope so. Hopefully the next one, which I will only be attending if it's really close by, will feature something that's actually newsworthy.

UPDATE: Apparently, "happy hour" is only an expression to these people. Bloggers stayed at Yuca until midnite. Here is the review by the person who threw the thing along with comments: LINK.

But why call it a happy hour if you are going to miss out on the happy hour specials and stay until midnight? Shouldn't it be a "DC Blogger Night on the Town" or something like that?

Adventures with the Homeless

As I've mentioned previously, I am moving to Friendship Heights in two weeks. This is nice. As a former American University student, it's an area I know well. The Rodman's convenience store is especially awesome. Kids, if you're under 21 years of age, try Rodman's (on Wisconsin and Garrison). They will take any ID. When I was a young turk, they would take my friend's fake-ID that quite literally had holes in it. Oh, and the picture on the card was a woman who was of an entirely different race than the cardholder. Conclusion: Rodman's is awesome.

(But don't you dare get caught by the MPD. If Rodman's loses its liquor license, I will cut you.)

Friendship Heights is also home to the craziest homeless lady I have ever had the privilege to avoid eye contact with. She is nuts. She lives by the Metro elevators on Wisconsin and Jenifer and can often be heard mumbling crazytalk to herself.

Saturday afternoon, the crazy homeless lady was walking around with a halo on her head. She was easy to spot. My friends, one being "male, gay, and fabulously interesting" and the other being a young female, moved in to get a picture. I don't really blame them. I mean, a flippin' halo? Unfortunately, I think she noticed. She started yelling. Yelling crazy.

"What are you staring at? Her vagina!? CHECK THE OTHER SIDE, THAT'S WHERE SHE'S A CRIMINAL. [wtf!?]. Pink panties! All the girls are wearing pink panties!"

I didn't have a tape recorder, so I am just paraphrasing here. But you don't forget exclamations like these. I was horrified by this whole ordeal. My friends, I think, were reveling in the vaginocentric attention. (I really wish "vaginocentric" was a real word.)

I can't even tell you how excited I am to deal with this lady on a daily basis. This is going to rule.


Bracket Busted

So, the NCAA tournament brackets were announced last night leaving many with a bad case of the March Madness.

I would just like to take the time to express my delight that Maryland was not chosen to be a part of the 65-team tournament. Really, thank God. Now, if Maryland wins the NIT (for all those not in the know, that's the tournament for shitty teams), will there be a riot? One would certainly expect it from the boorish behavior of Terrapin fans in years past.

Anyways, the point of this post isn't to mock Maryland. It's to beg my way into an office pool. My office is very, very small. And, unfortunately, most of my friends aren't really that into sports. (This is what happens when your university's most successful sport is, ugh, soccer.) In order to sustain my gambling addiction, I need to find someone willing to accept my money and my bracket. So, if you need another person for your pool, I'm here and I have PayPal. Also, to sweeten the deal, I have never won a NCAA-bracket pool. I am easy money/ fresh fish.

Seriously, anyone?

UPDATE: I am in a pool with a bunch of Senate staffers. Man, the Internet rules.



Remember the post "Internet Negativity"? You don't really have to click on that. Just scroll down a little bit.

Well, I have found a surefire way to deflect all anti-Bethesda comments that are sent my way. It can't lose!

My solution: Move out of Bethesda.

That's right. After two months of absolute Hell in Bethesda, I will be moving back to Washington, DC. Wisconsin & Fessenden. Between Friendship Heights and Tenleytown. I'll have two Metro stops close-by and the 30s and N2 busline a block away. I'll also be surrounded by grocery stores, retail, and I'll be that much closer to my friends. Hurray!

Really, the story of my time here in Bethesda has been quite interesting. I'll get into it later. Let me just say this: I am legitimately afraid of my landlord. He has surveillance in the house. And he touches my stuff. And he kills animals. So, let me actually move out of his diabolic vice before I start defaming him over the Internet. I had to threaten civil action before he agreed to give me my deposit back. Fun!

And, isn't it hilarious how the site is whyihatedc and I am ecstatic that I'll be moving back within DC's boundaries? Yeah, that's a rib-tickler. Maryland will do that to a man.


DC Sports: Lame

If you really hate sports or long entries, you may want to skip this post.

After work tonight, I headed straight to the MCI, er, Verizon Center for the Celtics-Wizards game. Since I'm from Massachusetts and I, according to this URL, hate DC, you shouldn't have to ask who I was rooting for.

And, indeed, the Celtics won in dramatic fashion. A great 27-9-5 from the pride of Waterbury, CT, Ryan Gomes, was an awesome thing to watch.

Well, enough of the reverie. On with the negativity!

The DC sports scene is so pathetic that it makes me yearn for even the evil sports capitol of the world: New York. I'll break this down sport-by-sport.

Baseball: Washington Nationals.
2006 Prognosis: Very bad. No owner. Two second basemen. Only three starting pitchers. And, most importantly, a publicly funded stadium/easy profit for Major League Baseball owners. Again, and I can't stress this enough, if you think the $611 spending cap is good for DC, you might just be an idiot.

THERE WAS NOWHERE FOR MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TO GO!!! MLB is trying to move the Nationals and the Marlins? Really? Where? Portland? San Antonio? New Orleans? HA. And the MLB, which currently owns the Nationals, would not make nearly as much money selling the San Antonio Alamos as they would for a team in the Metro area. They were never going to leave unless it was to Northern Virginia. And that would have been hunky-dory by me. Because, you know what, Northern Virginia, for all intents and purposes, is Washington. We had all of the leverage.

$611 million! I will keep writing about this because it is insane. Insane. And, I know it's a business tax. It's also utility taxes. Enjoy paying extra for heat, poor people. Good thing no one else needs this money!

Football: Washington R****ns.
2006 Prognosis: Very bad. I don't know if you're following the NFL labor issues very closely. Probably not. Anyways, there's a great chance that the salary cap in football won't increase in 2006. If that happens, Washington may be unable, no matter who they cut or what they do, to get under the cap. That is so very, very bad. This is mismanagement at it's finest ladies and gentlemen. As many as 20 of their 53 players could be rookies. If 40% of your office were interns, the place would fall apart, wouldn't it?

Also, this team name is obviously so racist that it boggles the mind. That point has been made by many people, so I won't bore you with it anymore.

Basketball: Washington Wizards
2006 Prognosis: Kind of bad. The team is a middle-of-the-road .500 team in an inferior conference. They'll make the playoffs and lose in either the first or second round. Whatever.

But, here's what gets to me. The game I went to tonight. That game went to overtime. And what happened between the end of regulation and overtime? Hundreds of people left the arena to get home early. It was only 9:30pm, and Washingtonians were running out of the stadium during the most exciting part of an exciting game. Wizard fans are passionless. Shame on them.

And I have never been to a quieter arena in my life. The Black Cat gets louder than the Verizon Center during games. That's sick, and not "sick" in the slang way that means "cool."

Hockey: Washington Capitals
2006 Prognosis: Whatever. They suck now but have an exciting rookie whose name is too damn Russian for me to try to spell accurately. Of course, hockey is no longer an American sport. Sorry. No one cares.

Soccer: DC United
2006 Prognosis: Whatever. They're the best ever Major League Soccer team and they have the future of American soccer, Freddy Adu, on their roster. Unfortunately, no one in America cares about soccer either.

I honestly think Washington, DC is the worst sports city in the country. I really do. Our only team that's ever been good (in a sport that matters) is the one with the mismanaged roster and the racism stamped on their helmet. Its teams reek of inaptitude. Honestly, what city is worse than Washington? Name one four sport city that's worse. Fine, three sport cities count too.

Just to be fair, props to DC college basketball this year. DC has two good teams in George Washington and Georgetown. It's really a shame that they are also two of the most overrated teams in the country, but don't be bothered with that. When they both lose in the second round of the NCAA tournament, we can be proud to call them our own!


I am a Hypocrite and I am Probably Going to Hell.

I am a big advocate for compassion. Hurray compassion! I really do try to live by the golden rule.

Exception: the homeless.

I refuse to make eye contact with the homeless. That's why I love my iPod so much. With earphones on, I can ignore the pleas of help. Isn't that sick?

I am not proud of myself here. The worst part is, back in the pre-Bethesda days, if I had change, I would give it to a beggar. I mean, what did I care if I lost out on 42 cents?

But now, there's this bus that takes me from the Metro right to my house. And it costs 35 cents. And it isn't like I can get change from a bus. So, to make my life a teensy bit more convenient, I am taking away a homeless person's ability to get a bite to eat or buy a blanket. To save myself from walking a mile, I am hoarding my nickels and dimes.

Maybe DC would be a bit more bearable if it didn't have so many people without a place to sleep and who kept trying to make eye contact.

Guilt trip over. Tomorrow I am giving a homeless person 35 cents. I don't care if he's going to buy vodka with it. I will suck it up and walk the extra mile.

Administrative Post

The most common e-mails I get are from loyal readers asking when I'm going to make the blog open to comments.

The answer: it already is! Just click on the "link" button at the end of each post and, voila, comments.

I did a really half-assed job of putting them in. I don't know html either, so they look horrible. Whenever I get around to making this site look halfway decent, I will make an actual comments hotlink or install Haloscan or something. But, if you want to make a public response to something I write, there's your chance.

That is all for now. I would expect an angry post regarding the state of DC sports in the near future.


Free Food!

First, the bad news. I was checking my e-mail and 930.com every friggin' day for information on the April 3rd Yeah Yeah Yeahs show. Every. Day. When are tickets going on sale? Will there be a presale? What's the deal?

The deal is I checked today, 22 hours after my last check, and the tickets were good and sold out. I have no idea when they went on sale. But that sucks. Fuckin' hipsters. And fuckin' scalpers too. A cursory check of eBay and Craigslist proved that the available tickets went to vultures.

So, if you want to be my friend, get me a ticket at face value (I don't even know what face value was. $30?).

Of course, it's hard to be angry when things have been going my way for the most part. Today I just caught my Montgomery County bus. That was quickly followed by just catching a Red Line train. So wait time during morning commute: zero minutes.

Ah, it gets better. What was waiting for me at the top of the Dupont escalator? Free Breakfast Cookies! I got stuck with oatmeal raisin (I'm an apple cinnamon man), but whatever. Free food!

The cookies weren't bad either. Very high in fiber, which was a blessing. My last bowel movement, let me tell you, was an ordeal.

It should be noted that Quaker Oats, the fine company behind these cookies, has not compensated me for talking about their product. It also should be noted that I will change this blog to www.dcisawesome.blogspot.com if I get bribed with free cookies everyday.


Internet Negativity

OK, so I love DCist. It's a favorite blog of mine. And I love leaving excessively negative comments on their posts. They seem to like DC. A lot. I have no idea why. I'm trying to learn.

So, I leave these comments. It's a bad habit that I'm sure they don't appreciate. I keep it inoffensive and snarky. Nothing that would make them hate me...I hope.

Anyhoo, anytime I leave a comment, I get an inevitable backlash from people who don't like me very much. Which, I guess is fair. But I would like to offer a response to the most common criticism I get:

I live in Bethesda. I'm sorry, but that's where I live. Of course, I've only lived here for literally 29 days after over four years in DC, but it still seems to bother a lot of you. What can I say? I live here. It's cheap, the bussing is great, and the bars are good. Yeah, the early last call sucks, but whatcha gonna do?

To be honest, if I had a choice, I would live in DC-proper. I would be closer to the one thing that DC has provided me that doesn't suck: my friends. But, I didn't have a choice. Well, I guess I did. I chose Bethesda over homelessness. DC has enough homeless people, thank you very much.

You are, of course, fooling yourself if you don't see Bethesda as a natural extension of Washington. As a city, Bethesda is bigger than Van Ness, Tenleytown, Cleveland Park, Adams Morgan, U Street, Columbia Heights, etc. Like DC, it uses the Metro. Like DC, many people commute to work here. Like DC, it attracts a lot of people that I can't stand.

And the argument is especially craptastic when one considers the fact that my predecessor, the much better writer, James F., lived in Virginia. Virginia! And, if you're wondering, I consider Arlington and even Alexandria a natural extension of DC as well.

Saying that Bethesda is not DC is like saying that Cambridge is not part of Boston. Technically you'd be right. But in terms of reality, you should know better.

So, from now on, I will not respond to remarks about where I live. I'm sorry, but they're lame and obnoxious. All other attacks, especially ones using something I call "reason," are more than welcome. You can mock me for being young, for living in upper-NW when I did live in Washington, for being a shitty writer, or for going to a second-tier university. If you know me, you can even make your attacks personal. But no more Bethesda talk. For the love of God, no more Bethesda talk.