Adventures with the Homeless

As I've mentioned previously, I am moving to Friendship Heights in two weeks. This is nice. As a former American University student, it's an area I know well. The Rodman's convenience store is especially awesome. Kids, if you're under 21 years of age, try Rodman's (on Wisconsin and Garrison). They will take any ID. When I was a young turk, they would take my friend's fake-ID that quite literally had holes in it. Oh, and the picture on the card was a woman who was of an entirely different race than the cardholder. Conclusion: Rodman's is awesome.

(But don't you dare get caught by the MPD. If Rodman's loses its liquor license, I will cut you.)

Friendship Heights is also home to the craziest homeless lady I have ever had the privilege to avoid eye contact with. She is nuts. She lives by the Metro elevators on Wisconsin and Jenifer and can often be heard mumbling crazytalk to herself.

Saturday afternoon, the crazy homeless lady was walking around with a halo on her head. She was easy to spot. My friends, one being "male, gay, and fabulously interesting" and the other being a young female, moved in to get a picture. I don't really blame them. I mean, a flippin' halo? Unfortunately, I think she noticed. She started yelling. Yelling crazy.

"What are you staring at? Her vagina!? CHECK THE OTHER SIDE, THAT'S WHERE SHE'S A CRIMINAL. [wtf!?]. Pink panties! All the girls are wearing pink panties!"

I didn't have a tape recorder, so I am just paraphrasing here. But you don't forget exclamations like these. I was horrified by this whole ordeal. My friends, I think, were reveling in the vaginocentric attention. (I really wish "vaginocentric" was a real word.)

I can't even tell you how excited I am to deal with this lady on a daily basis. This is going to rule.


  1. Just wait until you meet the Trolls. Crazy, but unfortunately, NOT Homeless, and definately not photo-op worthy. If you don't know already, ask RR.

  2. Does she play the harmonica?

  3. She traded her first born for a shopping cart.

  4. Whenever you talk about your dislike of the homeless, I know that deep deep down... you are actually a Republican... mwahahahha

  5. I am not convinced Rust really hates D.C. either. His hatred seems to flow from the fact he is just a malcontent. My hatred of D.C. is rooted in objective facts.

  6. bbjf,

    Consider it an artistic choice on my part. It would be easy to read the Metro section of the Post or the editorial page of the Times or look at crime, education, and homelessness stats and objectively hate DC. I promise you that I do hate objectively hate this city.

    That being said, I feel I'm a better writer when I am writing about the minutiae of my everyday life. After all, it's the little things that drive you mad.

    And, you're right. I am a malcontent.

  7. I love you.

    -Harriet Miers!!!!

  8. Hey Rusty:

    I know that crazy lady you mention. She once yelled to me, or someone near me: "Country mouse!!! (Intermittent shrieking). Country mouse lost in the big city!" Cackle.

    Have fun with that!

  9. Rusty, man, I know this is kinda off-topic, but I was wondering why you haven't gone nuts with this yet (maybe you haven't seen it?):


    Keep hating DC.

    -Dubious Publius

  10. You haven't met that crazy dude that takes the E bus from Friendship. He always tries to talk to people, narrating people's conversations with stuff like "what color are your panties," and he always reeks of pot.

    One time, there was no room in the back of the bus, so he had to stand near the front, and so he started talking with this little (like 8 yr old) kid. Finally the kid had to defuse the situation by telling him "you're not allowed to drink on the bus." That day partially restored my faith in 8-year old kids.

  11. Wow, I knew that lady. Well, sort of. I lived on Military Rd. near Friendship Heights from last June until January, and every time I went to the elevators on Wisconsin she'd be there. One time I was walking towards the elevators and she intercepted me and started screaming about the fucking niggers and spics. So I turned around, and she spat at me, "I bet you're Jewish, aren't you."

  12. You can laugh all you want about the homeless, but in a society that still had any judgment, they'd be reinstitutionalized. the great sin of the 1960s was the assumption that asylums were crueler than dumping these sad psychoes on the street.

  13. that lady is always screaming about the germans. apparently she used to be the homeless lady of downtown rockville, but she's moved on to friendship heights.

  14. that guy on the E bus sounds AWESOME.

  15. There are some teenaged guys who think it is fine sport to set homeless people on fire. I do not endorse this cruel practice.

  16. Don't be a dick. There are plenty of fucked up things about DC that you don't need to make fun of mentally ill people.

  17. Heh. There was a crazy guy on the 30 bus this morning who got in his seat and started clapping and doing other sorts of weird shit. He tried to spit out the rear exit (not quite making it.) Typical crazy stuff, I guess.

    This is what got me though. He took out a bottle of water, and drank the whole thing while we were stopped at the stoplight. That takes some skill. I think he was one of those people that for some reason just pretends to be crazy - he pretended not to be listening when the driver told him to shut up, but he did tone it down after that.

    I need to start my own blog on crazy people. There are enough different kinds to keep me occupied for a while.

  18. Rodmans was my high school source. The home of the $5 case of beer. No one better fuck it up!

  19. I've come to this post quite late, but I can't resist sharing my own "favorite homeless crazy person" story.

    For a year between '05 and '06, I attended a language school, ICLS, near 14th and Vermont.

    On sunny days, I'd take the longer walk to Metro Center, rather than the short cut-corner to McPherson. So, I and one of my classmates were walking together down the sidewalk, when I spotted... we'll call her, Jane. She was walking in the opposite direction, perhaps a full block away, but was quickly approaching us.

    I couldn't hear her, but for each new person she passed in the opposite direction, she clearly had something (random) to say.

    She makes it to me and R., and staring us dead in the eyes, she says, "You just keep breeding your niggers."

    Umm? WTF? Ironic, too, given that R. and I were the white students in a Swahili course. No way she could have known that, right?