I Refuse to Be Quote-Unquote Wowed

I find that life is a lot easier when you have an arch-nemesis. It's nice if the animosity is shared between the two parties, but it is by no means necessary.

With an arch-nemesis, you can take all of your problems (like dealing with an asshole landlord; 7 more days until I move!) and focus them all on one person who has somehow wronged you. That one person becomes everything you hate about DC, about others, and about yourself.

I haven't had an arch-nemesis in quite a while. It became a lot easier when I moved to my new place in luxurious Bethesda. This place has the Dish Network and my awful landlord never bothered to hook me up with a box. It was a blessing in disguise. This new arrangement means I can only watch the four basic channels. No more HBO or ESPN or VH-1 Classic.

There is one person who appears on these four channels at quite a clip. This one person represents everything I hate about my fellow humans. Nepotism, perkiness, a shrill voice that cuts into the depths of my soul. Shilling things I can't possibly afford. God, I hate her.

The focus of my ire is none other than Crystal Koons.

The only way I could possibly hate her more is if she spelled her name "Krystal." Who knows, maybe she does.

My television viewing consists of sports, Lost, 20 minutes of morning televsion, and the late-night news. That's it. And those last two are just dominated by Koons Toyota commercials. They're just quick flashes of Camries and Corollas while Crystal's high-pitched whine assures me that "we're gonna wow ya."

I think the worst sin of all is her fashion selection. She wears sweater vests. I wear sweater vests. When I go out wearing a hot new vest, I end up looking like Crystal Koons. The result for me is an unquantifiable level of anger.

That Crystal Koons is a mystery. How can someone who is on TV every four minutes not have any embarassing photos on the Internet? Check that, there are ZERO pictures of her online. Don't believe me? Here: LINK and LINK! Nothing!

Crystal Koons, I declare war. If you run into me on the street, look out. And if I run into you on the street while we're both wearing sweater vests, oh man, you're in trouble, missy.

UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention by my faithful readers that Koons does in fact spell her name with a "K." It's Krystal Koons. Jesus, what were her parents thinking? Was she named after the Koons's favorite stripper? I hope her middle name is Kandi. That would give her not one, but two stripper names and an awesome set of initials.