3.23.2006

I Refuse to Be Quote-Unquote Wowed

I find that life is a lot easier when you have an arch-nemesis. It's nice if the animosity is shared between the two parties, but it is by no means necessary.

With an arch-nemesis, you can take all of your problems (like dealing with an asshole landlord; 7 more days until I move!) and focus them all on one person who has somehow wronged you. That one person becomes everything you hate about DC, about others, and about yourself.

I haven't had an arch-nemesis in quite a while. It became a lot easier when I moved to my new place in luxurious Bethesda. This place has the Dish Network and my awful landlord never bothered to hook me up with a box. It was a blessing in disguise. This new arrangement means I can only watch the four basic channels. No more HBO or ESPN or VH-1 Classic.

There is one person who appears on these four channels at quite a clip. This one person represents everything I hate about my fellow humans. Nepotism, perkiness, a shrill voice that cuts into the depths of my soul. Shilling things I can't possibly afford. God, I hate her.

The focus of my ire is none other than Crystal Koons.

The only way I could possibly hate her more is if she spelled her name "Krystal." Who knows, maybe she does.

My television viewing consists of sports, Lost, 20 minutes of morning televsion, and the late-night news. That's it. And those last two are just dominated by Koons Toyota commercials. They're just quick flashes of Camries and Corollas while Crystal's high-pitched whine assures me that "we're gonna wow ya."

I think the worst sin of all is her fashion selection. She wears sweater vests. I wear sweater vests. When I go out wearing a hot new vest, I end up looking like Crystal Koons. The result for me is an unquantifiable level of anger.

That Crystal Koons is a mystery. How can someone who is on TV every four minutes not have any embarassing photos on the Internet? Check that, there are ZERO pictures of her online. Don't believe me? Here: LINK and LINK! Nothing!

Crystal Koons, I declare war. If you run into me on the street, look out. And if I run into you on the street while we're both wearing sweater vests, oh man, you're in trouble, missy.

UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention by my faithful readers that Koons does in fact spell her name with a "K." It's Krystal Koons. Jesus, what were her parents thinking? Was she named after the Koons's favorite stripper? I hope her middle name is Kandi. That would give her not one, but two stripper names and an awesome set of initials.

47 comments:

  1. I wear sweater vests.

    Yet you've decided to declare war on Crystal Koons rather than the part of your brain which allows you to wear sweater vests?

    ReplyDelete
  2. thinking fool, you deserve a response since you made me laugh.

    I've been wearing the vests since my Catholic school days. it's my "thing."

    ReplyDelete
  3. I HATE HER TOO!!!!!!!!!

    I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. At least Tedd Britt would use several members from his extended family in his commercials back in the day.

    But that KOONS broad is just flat out annoying as hell. Daddy must have really deep pockets because that broad is everywhere. You just can't avoid her. I even think I may have seen her commercials on the Spanish channels.

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  5. Tommy GunsMarch 24, 2006

    We'RE GONNA WOW YA!

    ReplyDelete
  6. She's not really shrill. She's more got the rasp of one of those Burberry-wearing Cleveland Park gals who talk SO much their voices literally wear out. I'm betting she smokes.

    Incidentally, I hate her as well.

    ReplyDelete
  7. She can be shrill and raspy. You're right, she does sound like a smoker too.

    You know how some commercials will have the alarm clock noise and, no matter what you're doing, your adreneline starts pumping and you get all angry at the tv?

    That's what it's like for me when I see a Koons commercial.

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  8. You should try listening to DC101 in the morning. Every commercial break you're guaranteed to hear Ms. Koons, commercials for Quizno's, and at least two ads for a chain jewelry store.

    EVERY F'ING BREAK.

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  9. Perhaps the only commerical that I hate more than Crystal Koons has to be the Empire Carpet people..."800-5-8-8-2-3-000, Empire Today!" in that whiny voice. Ugh.

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  10. Tommy GunsMarch 24, 2006

    I doth concur on Empire commercial. It makes me vomit. With that cartoon clown rolling out the carpet as that 1930s voice says "EMPIRE..."

    It most certainly will not wow ya.

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  11. Hey she does spell her Name with a "K"

    Scroll down to the bottom of the article.

    http://tinyurl.com/gneey

    ReplyDelete
  12. Tommy GunsMarch 24, 2006

    SCROLL DOWN JUST A BIT.

    http://www.koons.com/careers.htm

    ReplyDelete
  13. Yes, she sucks. But at least we have the Easterns Motors spots as well. Fair trade, IMO.

    ReplyDelete
  14. What cracked me up about the Koons commercials was when they "needed" two Krystals to tell you about deals on new Carollas, Senneca's, etc.

    The other one wasn't much better so it was like having these broads in stereo. That made the message TWICE as effective!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Krystal Koons donated $2,000 to George Bush's re-election campaign:

    http://www.fundrace.org/neighbors.php?search=1&type=name&lname=KOONS&fname=KRYSTAL

    ReplyDelete
  16. I would have no problem changing the message statement of this blog to "I promise to mercilessly stalk Krystal Koons until she removes herself from the public eye."

    I would be pro-actively helping DC (which, in turn, would silence critics of this site). It would be a public service.

    Readers, seriously, thanks for all this Koons research. I think I hate her more than anyone else in the entire world right now. Good work.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'd tap that ass

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm gonna wow you baby -Krystal is available 24X7
    http://www.koonsmarketing.com/video/television/

    ReplyDelete
  19. she has the worst comercials.

    whats up with her eyes and caked makeup?

    NEVER buy a car from a street whore.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Krystal KoonsMarch 24, 2006

    Stop harrasing me.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'd tap it too!
    I'm Pakistani and I would love to take her back home to my country and let the rest of my crew over there have their way with her as well.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Alexis ColbyMarch 25, 2006

    She was totally named after Krystal Carrington from Dynasty - that's how trashy the Koons are.

    ReplyDelete
  23. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  24. She looks and sounds like these girls in college that we referred to as "sorostitutes". I'm not claiming originality for the term, but it seems fitting. The type of girl you wake up next to asking you in a husky, two-pack a day hack infested, "Have you seen my sweater vest?"

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  25. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  26. You need to be careful about what you say as some of this is getting a little out of hand in this blog.

    ReplyDelete
  27. WHOA WHOA WHOA

    No addresses and phone numbers! If that keeps up I would have to take down comments. I mean, if one of my readers were to use that info to muder Krystal Koons, I'd be up Shit Creek.

    ReplyDelete
  28. every time i hear her on the radio (which is about every five minutes, seeing as the radio at my work is on constantly) i am compelled to either gouge my own ears out or destroy the radio.

    that woman has the most nauseating voice i have ever heard.

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  29. dude. you STILL wear sweater vests? you cannot even imagine how happy and amused that makes me.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I like Krystal but she would only wowo me if she sold me a car less than 10 years old, with decent mileage, that wasn't a flatbed truck for $3500.

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  31. I Have a Love HATE Relationship with Krystal Koons. I HATE Saying I'm going to Get wowed CONSTANTLY ....ALL NIGHT LONG...and Alot from the original Post comments. But....well here we go...There is just SOMETHING about her...I Find something in her look and Spunky atitude that Kind of gets me Hot a little Bit....Oh Well ...There it is...I said it....Krystal...are you out there?...ME DEAR....although I Do imagine her during her College years at some Mountainous new england College(retreat) Banging guys and drinking every weekend drinking and spending part of dads Empire,,,,THEN BANGING SOME MORE....Then Trying on sweater Vests....Then ...well I tell ya what...its a GOOD THING SHE DID Go to Top notch school or who knows where she might be working today......probably the very same job but hey...Y anever know. ;-)

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  32. Take another look. She's HOT!!

    ReplyDelete
  33. AnonymousMay 03, 2006

    I have xxx pics of her. She's not hot.

    ReplyDelete
  34. AnonymousJuly 31, 2006

    LET'S NOT FORGET HER STELLAR RADIO COMMERCIALS, PRECLUDED BY THE CATCHY JINGLE OF KOONS BEING A "FAMILY TRADITION" AND THE HOOK "IT'S JOHN KOONS THE III AUTOMOTIVE". AWFUL

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  35. Does anyone remember the earliest commercials that Krstal made? I'm thinking it was maybe 5 years ago. It was like she was all wacked out on speed and was incoherently babbling about the great deals on the showroom floor. Her movements were erratic and her eyes were blazing as she screeched out the Krappy Koons sales pitch.

    At that time, I dubbed her "Krystal Meth Koons", and the name stuck among the group of us that hates her.

    Then she was gone for a awhile, and I suspect that she had a bunch of money invested on her behalf for image consultants and other marketing coaches that have tried to turn her into a professional pitchwoman.

    She still sucks, she doesn't seem to be as wired as before, but she still causes me to vow that I will not buy anything from the Koons empire.

    Rob in VA

    ReplyDelete
  36. There's a pic of Krystal at: http://annapolistoyota.koons.com/

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  37. I just got back from a Koons Tysons Chevrolet Christmas party and Krystal Koons made an appearance...My boyfriend (the salesperson) introduced me to her and as I stuck out my hand she went "we don't shake hands around here hun, gimme a hug!!" so we hugged and chatted for a few minutes. Believe it or not she is so completely nice and down to earth and looks NOTHING like those commercials in real life. She looked very natural and I had to actually look at her for a few minutes before I decided it was her. She wasn't even dressed sluttily or anything. and NO she was not wearing a sweatervest (they are actually the pseudo uniform for salespeople there, that's why she wears them in the commercial). She was not drinking either or acting like a spaz. At one point they were giving out money and she went up to the front and took the microphone and went "We're gonna WOW ya" in that fakey voice and was totally making fun of herself. Believe me, this girl does not even take her own commercials seriously.

    Oh yeah, and her fiance is not some prepped up former football player lawyer/doctor/stockbroker. He's a cop.

    And apparently she wasn't just handed the dealership by her father like all the other Koons kids...she actually worked there as a lowly salesperson all through highschool and college, that's why she has the respect of all the staff.

    Sorry to burst your bubble.

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  38. Dear Sorry to burst your bubble. Sounds like you and your boyfriend are very new to the Koons Empirial forces. Would you be interested in purchasing a bridge in Brooklyn.
    PS..He is not a cop.

    ReplyDelete
  39. hahaha ... If the saying was "I'm gonna wow ya" and her clothes were half off... I'd buy a car... hahaha...

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  40. I've met her, she's much better looking in person.

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  41. I met her in 1993 at Koons Ford Annapolis. She was just a kid then and seemed to believe that EVERY car belonged to her as she was in the Service Lane going through customers' cars and their belongings, opening glove boxes, center consoles etc. And nobody DARED say a word to her to stop her bratty behavior even after customers complained. I overheard a customer say, "Who is that girl going through my car?" Service Writer says, "Owner's daughter."
    Customer, "Aren't you going to stop her?"
    Writer, "No"
    I see she has grown up. Physically at least.

    ReplyDelete
  42. I met her in 1993 at Koons Ford Annapolis. She was just a kid then and seemed to believe that EVERY car belonged to her as she was in the Service Lane going through customers' cars and their belongings, opening glove boxes, center consoles etc. And nobody DARED say a word to her to stop her bratty behavior even after customers complained. I overheard a customer say, "Who is that girl going through my car?" Service Writer says, "Owner's daughter."
    Customer, "Aren't you going to stop her?"
    Writer, "No"
    I see she has grown up. Physically at least.

    ReplyDelete
  43. aww man, pls allow url ID comments. I had 2 sign upb4 I could post a comment.

    Now back 2 y Krystal sux:

    Im glad this blog/page exists bc I hate the Krystal commercials.
    I hate the empire commercials.
    I hate all the election commercials.
    I hate the eastern motors jingle, but the dancing footbal players are funny; the dream sequences are nice.

    When I do watch live tv I mute the commercials bc they're annoying

    ReplyDelete
  44. AnonymousMay 07, 2009

    I was turning in my leased chevy and she was in the showroom........
    SHEEEE'S HHHHHOOOOTTTTT!

    ReplyDelete
  45. AnonymousMay 16, 2009

    I can't stand her either but when I went shopping for a Toyota, Koons Toyota seemed to be dealer to buy a car from. Since I couldn't stand her I tried to buy elsewere but eventually came back and bought it from Koons. They had the best deals and the worst commercials! Go figure.

    I guess her eye makeup is supposed to somehow make us think of a racoon or Koon.... Who know what the owner could be thinking!

    ReplyDelete
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