Late Night Shots Party Crash

If I were a halfway decent blogger, I would have taken my discovery of DC Late Night Shots and ran with it. It could have been my thing. A long running flame war where I would make fun of Smith Point and they would make fun of my paltry audience.

Instead, Wonkette decided to do that for me. My excuse is that they're paid to come up with this crap, but I admit I really dropped the ball there.

Thankfully, I'm still a member of LNS despite never having been to Smith Point. It turns out it's on my busline. Who knew?

As a member, I get weekly newsletters. The most recent one had an invitation. I present to you this invitation in full thanks to the almighty power of copy-and-paste:

LateNightShots and Smith Point will be hosting a party at Wisconsin & O [Smith Point] next Tuesday at 8PM until closing. Attendees can either celebrate their victory, drown their sorrows, or just head straight to the dance floor and worry about their employment situation in the morning. No entry fee. DJ will be playing. We hope to see you there.

The salient details appear to be that this is cover-free and open to everyone. So, I ask my fellow readers to attend this event so we can ruin it for these rich motherfuckers. You can tell which one of the douchebags I am by my boat shoes. That should narrow it down.

Seriously, what's an Election Day without some party-crashing hijinx. This will be fun.

Also, as an added bonus, the invitation features a picture of three potential hook-ups for all you single ladies out there:

Disclaimer: These gentlemen have no idea how to pleasure a woman.


We're Number 353!

Recently, some outfit called Morgan Quitno Press used FBI figures to determine the safest cities in America. Out of 371 cities, Washington finished 353rd. About 95% of American cities are safer than Washington. I'm actually surprised we broke the top 360.

To be fair we beat our rivals in Richmond (357th) and Baltimore (360th). What a poor showing from the cities in our area. Invest in mace.

Virginia is Special

My roommate, who happens to be black, went to a house party in Reston, Virginia last Saturday night. While there, he witnessed a guy in blackface as part of a costume. Also, he was called a "nigger" by one of the other (white) guests. Hilariously, the white dude thought that "nigger" was an appropriate friendly term to use with black people you've just met.

Virginia is awesome like that.

Virginians, please remember these rules:

1. Saying "nigger" is never acceptable unless you are quoting a knucklehead (like in this post) or if you're singing along to a song on the radio.

2. Blackface is never OK. It makes people angry. If you really want to dress up as Lil' John, bite the bullet and go as a Caucasian Lil' John.

Thank you for your attention.


What Not to Do With Your Saturday Night

Halloween is almost upon us! Hurray! Like every other red-blooded American, I loves me some Halloween. I love candy, pumpkins, and, most importantly, I LOVE the combination of alcohol and super-slutty costumes. Every girl should dress as a slutty _____ this year! Anyone dressing as a "slutty Gallaudet protester"?

Tonight is my first Halloween party and I'm super-excited. I decided against dressing as my first costume choice, Corey Lidle. Instead, I will be SLASH. Any costume where a bottle of Jack Daniels is a legitimate prop is a damned good costume. No keg lines for me!

So, tonight I'm all set. Tomorrow, not so much. My Saturday day-planner is totally blank. I asked some friends what they were up to on Saturday night. I shuddered when I heard their response.

"Bar Crawl."

So now I have to dedicate precious Internet space to explain why Washington bar crawls are about as fun as dental work. Just so you know what we're dealing with, here's a link to the bar crawl poster. It includes prices and all the participating Golden Triangle bars.

Where to start? First, let's attack the pricing. It's Halloween so we'll assume that everyone will be wearing a costume. That means a bracelet is going to set you back $15. What do you get for $15? The privilege of drinking $2 Bud Lights. Of course, $2 Bud Lights isn't a firesale. Any decent happy hour wouldn't charge much more than two bucks for a 12 ounce bottle of watered down beer.

The pricing issue is exacerbated by the attitude of the people going to this event. Once you pay your $15, you're going to want to drink as much as possible to make the cover worth it. Also, it's Halloween. So, the more Bud Lights you drink the more likely you are to believe that hooking up with that GW frat guy in a fireman costume is a good idea. So, let's say, on average, everyone will have 10 Bud Lights. That's another $20. Don't forget another $10 for tips!

Bar crawl, something many people attend for its supposed cheapness, will set people back a good $45. I don't know about you, but I can get drunk at a reputable bar drinking reputable beer for under $45. Advantage: Rusty.

What if you're not going to save money? What if you're going for the atmosphere? I say to you, Hypothetical Person Going To Bar Crawl For The Atmosphere, you are drunk on optimism juice.

Let's look at the bars participating in bar crawl. Why, it's the usual suspects! Madhatter's is the worst bar in the history of the universe. People packed to the gills with an unfriendly staff and illiterate bouncers who can't figure out that 2005-1983=22>21.

Oh, Ozio is on the list too! That's the pretentious place I went to with no beers on tap, a Motown cover duet rocking by the door, and the TV playing lumberjack games on ESPN 2. That was a fun night.

Most of the bars, specifically Madhatter's, Rumors, The Front Page, and McFadden's, offer the wonderful ambiance of pounding hip-hop and "Slippery When Wet" era Bon Jovi while being shoulder to shoulder with an angry looking frat guy and a drunk bimbo screaming the lyrics to Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous." In fact, the only decent bar I can find on this list is the Black Rooster Pub. And if you're only getting deals on Bug Light and not on Guinness, what's the point of going there? Premiership highlights?

I love Halloween, but it would be dishonest if I were to deny that many of my fellow Halloween lovers are lame. These lame people are exactly the type who would enjoy a bar crawl. A large group getting as drunk as possible in skimpy outfits looking to have their holiday validated by some penis-in-vagina action. There are those going to bar crawl for the innocent purpose of getting drunk (like my friends), but it would be silly to argue that most people at this event aren't trying to fuck their brains out by the end of the night. Binge drinking is a means to this end. If you're really only interested in getting hammered, why not go to a real bar with real alcohol. You'd end up saving money. And you wouldn't be in the company of as many idiots.

Saturday you can probably catch me drinking in any decent bar with my wig and top hat. It may not be as exciting as requesting more Journey at The Front Page, but I'm sure I'll get by.



Every chance I get I'm bitching and moaning about the new ballpark being built on the Anacostia waterfront for the tidy sum of at least $611,000,000.00. Whenever I do, I get a few responses that can be split into two categories:

1. "The money being spent on the ballpark is an investment! No one is going to build in Anacostia unless we give them a reason to!"

This argument can be easily deflected by pointing out that investments only work if you are investing a reasonable amount of money. $611,000,000.00 is not reasonable. In fact, it's more than one hundred million dollars more expensive than the costliest ballpark in American history (Safeco Field in Seattle). Saying the Anacostia ballpark is a good investment is like saying that paying $95,000 for a Plymouth Horizon is a good investment. Sure, it's nice to have a car for your commute and it certainly helps with the ladies, but you are paying so much more than market value for the car that it becomes a wee-bit counter-productive.

2. "The money being used for stadium costs comes from a voluntary corporate tax. Saying that it takes away from public works and education is disingenuous."

How sick is it that Washington businesses are willing to shell out money for a stadium but not for better schools and hospitals?

That's beside the point. Washington businesses don't get to pick and choose what taxes they want to pay. If the City Council decides to enact a tax increase with all the cash going to public schools, there's nothing the businesses can do about it. Except for move to Reston or Rockville, but in a city that worships the prestige of a good Washington address, I don't think that going to happen.

You know what? That's beside the point too. Hat tip to the Express Blog for leading me to this:

If the city cannot reach a decision on how to provide the required parking spaces at the Nationals new stadium, the city may have to raise taxes on big businesses and it could make it harder for the city to borrow money for big ticket projects, such as school improvements.

It's possible the new stadium could be completed, but because the parking doesn't meet team requirements the Nationals would play at RFK rent free during the 2008 season, adding substantial cost overruns to the $611 million price tag.

[DC Chief Financial Officer Natwar] Gandhi says only three options remain. All of those options require either millions more in city funds or approval from the Nationals. Last week the City Council failed to agree on any of these options.

Anyone still want to argue that saying the stadium deal hurts Washington schools is disingenuous? Seriously? Anyone?

The stadium deal that Anthony Williams and the City Council orchestrated with Major League Baseball continues to be an absolute disgrace. A disgrace that is going to ultimately hurt the people of the District. The city is going to be financially crippled so people can play a simple game. But, it's a sound investment, right? An investment so sound that a simple parking garage could set the city back decades. Shame on anyone who still supports this playground for millionaires.


One Idiot Ruins Everything

Unfortunately, I have been forced to make commenting privileges limited to registered Blogger users. Hopefully this will be temporary. Comment moderation didn't work and I don't want to eliminate comments altogether. This will have to do for the time being.

The reason for this is some anonymous asshat decided to write the word "Redskins" over, literally, 20,000 times in my comments. It slowed my entire computer down and it prevented me from navigating my own blog in an efficient manner. Whoever did that is a fucking idiot and I hope he/she gets the clap. Does anyone know where I can send complaints if someone anonymously leaves 20,000+ racial epithets in a single comment. Maybe Blogger can pull up his IP address and ban him/her from these sites. That would be awesome.

A lot of my commenters are not Blogspot users. I urge you all to get accounts so we can keep up the fun. I don't know what I'd do without people telling me what a typical New England liberal I was.

To soothe the pain of this change, I'd like to feature a special reader submitted edition of INS1PID. It comes from Ellen in Ashburn, VA and is very slightly edited for grammatical purposes:

..."It sucks out here. Anyway, I happened to be stuck behind a gargantuan Chevy truck monstrosity with all the requisite American flag stickers and support our troops, blah blah blah and sporting yet another lame motherfucking personalized license plate the Old Dominion is so famous for. What was the little bit of wittiness on this plate? Why it was no less than "11 MPG." Yes that's right, addicted to guzzling foreign oil and proud of it. Like anyone in this overgrown subdivision needs a truck to go one of the ten grocery stores in a 1 mile radius. Fucking Virginia."

Hurray for Virginia! Supporting our troops by gloating how inefficient your car is! Has anyone ever asked to get their truck keyed more than this dude?


Can't See the Forest for the Trees

It's been a morning that has featured a near girl-fight on the Metro and a biker flipping over his handlebars on 19th Street. I've definitely been kept on my toes. But instead of discussing Metro etiquette or proper bicycle technique, I'd like to share an anecdote revolving around my usual Sunday activities.

Most Sundays I make the hike down to the Clyde's in Chevy Chase, MD. The atmosphere is kind of shitty and the drinks are expensive, but they do offer a $5 menu featuring a delicious bacon chicken sandwich. Oh yeah, they show a bunch of football games too. And, most importantly, it's within walking distance from my humble residence. In conclusion, hurray for Clyde's.

Yesterday I made the short hike with a roommate. A few college buddies, all Patriots fans, met me there. We gorged on buffalo wings and ice cold Bass ales while watching our New England Patriots destroy the hapless Buffalo Bills.

My roommate had little interest in the Patriots. He was born and raised in DC, so he hates my blog. Actually, he doesn't read this. But I know he hates the idea of it. More importantly for this story, my roommate lives and dies by the R***kins. When a fellow R***kins fan called him up to make arrangements for their 4:15 game against the Colts, he took a walk around the bar. His travels took him past a tree on a staircase. After his telephone conversation came to a close, he tapped me on the shoulder.

"See that tree over there?"

"Um, yeah?"

"There are drugs in it."


I decided to inspect this magical tree. Indeed, underneath some woodchips, laid a little yellow dime bag of marijuana.

"That's not really something you see everyday," I appropriately muttered.

I couldn't just leave drugs out for a pre-teen to find. So, I did what any self-respecting concerned citizen would do. I pocketed it.

After about five minutes of lawless possession, I started to get a little antsy. What if someone left that bag there as a trap? What if security cameras saw me take the pot from the plant? What if someone laced it with cyanide? What if I'm hit by a car and the police find me with a ridiculously small amount of drugs?

If you can't tell, I'm really not that experienced with danger, lawlessness, or drugs.

I decided it would be funny to announce our find to the bartenders. I mean, finding pot in a restaurant. That's funny, right?

I gave the drugs to a bar manager. He did exactly what I expected him to do. He placed it in his shirt pocket never to be seen again. For the rest of the afternoon, drinks were on the house. Boy did I take him up on that.

My head hurts. Yay for drinking on a school night!

Does this have anything to do with DC hating? Not really. But what's the point of having a blog if you can't share stories, no, priceless memories, such as these?

Is there a moral to the story? Uh, exchanging illegal drugs for legal drugs is super-awesome? Can that be a moral?



I do a lot of walking on my lunch breaks. Miles and miles if I can. It makes me feel better after eating a grilled ham and cheese sandwich. Starting from the heart of the Golden Triangle Business Improvement District, I have made it past the Watergate on Virginia Avenue. Once I made it past the Convention Center. One day I ate on the go and made it to the Lincoln Memorial. Another time I stumbled upon Glover Park. These miniature excursions give me the opportunity to see parts of the city I had previously ignored. Yay for walking!

Trips to any of those aforementioned exotic locales require a big time commitment. When I don't have the time to walk for three miles, I'll aimlessly walk around the Golden Triangle to clear my head.

Often, this head clearing is rudely interrupted by loud whistles.

For some reason, I'm assuming high traffic, K Street intersections are equipped with crossing guards. I'm all for public safety, but what can crossing guards do that traffic signals can't? I mean, isn't that why you never see crossing guards at intersections with traffic lights? It's redundant. And it's not like they're helping school children cross the big, bad street. They're hollering at yuppies and business suit types.

These guards are totally unnecessary. So, who's paying for them? Is it the city? Is it a special program paid for by the businesses within the GTBID? Regardless, it seems like a colossal waste of money. We're adults. We can tell the difference between a red blinking hand and a white blinking dude. Blowing your whistles at us and using histrionic hand motions aren't going to get us across the street any faster.

This is a molehill of a problem, not a mountain. But I really could do without the extra noise pollution. I wish these crossing guards would get real jobs.


Dear Douchebag,

Congratulations on making that 5:40pm train at the Dupont Metro station. Well done! Of course, I would call the decision to just stand by the doors once you got on the train a wee bit unorthodox. I mean, it wasn't a full train. You could have moved to the center of the car like the nice, soothing Metro voice suggested. That would have made more sense.

Because maybe, just maybe, I was right behind you also trying to get on the train. And your decision to just stand there playing with yourself made it so that I got smacked by the closing doors. My attache case got stuck in the doors too. So, I basically looked like a jackass. The King of All Jackasses. I hope you enjoyed the death stare I gave you to return the favor. Dumbass.


I Still Hate the Metro

You know what the worst feeling in the world is? It's when you've been drinking on a Saturday afternoon*. Then, suddenly, it's 2:30 in the morning. Your body is starting to shut down. All you want to do is go home and get some sleep so you can prepare for a glorious Sunday of football. I hate that feeling. Naturally, DC sensed that and exacerbated it to the point of homicidal rage.

Last Saturday I arrived at the Dupont Circle Metro stop at 2:30 in the morning. The Metro sign in the tunnel said that the Shady Grove train would arrive in 11 minutes. 11 minutes is a mildly annoying wait, but I knew I could handle it.

My train arrived 24 minutes later.

Yes, at the seven minute mark, the closest train going towards Shady Grove disappeared off the board. It was a phantom train. Sort of like The Polar Express, but without the holiday magic. Its replacement train would be arriving in 20 minutes. Awesome.

I ended up staring at that board with the glare that an abusive husband would reserve for when his wife burned the roast. The "why do you make things so difficult" look. Meanwhile, two trains headed towards Glenmont passed me by. Hilariously, when I first got to the station, people waiting on the Glenmont side were promised a 13 minute wait. I guess it wasn't my lucky day.

In order to prevent myself from falling asleep on the train (I did this once and ended up in Rockville), I channeled all my rage into productive thought. I kept thinking about how Interim Metro Chief Dan Tangherlini decided to abandon his pursuit to rid himself of the "interim" tag and take a position within Adrian Fenty's administration. DCist seemed pretty upset that Tangherlini was leaving.**

My question to DCist is "Why?"

I'll admit that I'm still new to Washington politics. If Tangherlini is some administrative wizard or something, I guess it would be sad to see him go. But how has he improved Metro during his brief tenure? The only changes I've noticed have both annoyed me. One was the threat of having street performers on Metro platforms. Just the thought of that makes my blood boil. The other change is that trains are coming every three minutes during morning rush hour instead of every two minutes. Not the end of the world, but still not a positive development.

I'm not accusing Tangherlini for the misleading boards, but I've noticed that happening more often as well. A day before the 24 minute wait, my friends and I were transferring onto the Green Line. Trains were disappearing and reappearing with alarming regularity. I had no clue when my train was coming.

I, for the most part, respect the opinions of the DCist team. If they like Tangherlini then I must be missing something. So, faithful readers, what exactly am I missing? What makes this guy so special? Because I haven't noticed anything that sets him apart from the regular Washington bureaucrat.

*A big thanks to J.J. at As Little as Possible for throwing a great party. That man can really rock the suspsenders.
**I swear to God that my defualt drunk thoughts do not revolve around blogging. Seriously. That would be very lame.


These Students are Showing a Lot of "Gall"

Worst pun ever.

Logging in to my site meter account this morning, I noticed something odd. This blog received four hits between between 9 and 10am. Granted, my hits are down, but four in an hour seemed a bit ridiculous. And wouldn't you know it, Blogspot crashed. I still can't see the blog. But I can post on it! So, this ought to be interesting. If I miss a typo or something, please be kind.

A morning without DCeiver, Fire Joe Morgan, Touching All the Bases, the train wreck that is Why I Hate DC comments, and most of my friends' blogs is just unfair. You have to ease in to the work day, you know?

I hate it when free services that I take for granted break down.

Anyways, I wanted to share my two cents on this Gallaudet debacle. If anything it proves that hearing impaired college students can be dickheads just like anyone else. Holding your university hostage because you don't like the new incoming president? Boo fucking hoo.

I can't imagine a situation being handled more immaturely by a group of people. It's cool if students think that the incoming school president, Jane K. Fernandes, isn't right for the university. It's something different when one of the reasons for Ms. Fernandes unsuitability is that she isn't deaf enough. Fernandes didn't learn sign language until she was in her 20s? Who cares!? She's still deaf. It's not a school for the deaf/mute, it's a school for the deaf. If you fuckers had the ability to talk, you would fucking use it.

Any disenfranchised group of people willing to throw members of its constituency off the bus is going about things all wrong. Can you imagine if Frederick Douglass was ignored by the 19th Century abolitionist movement because he wasn't black enough? (Douglass's father was white.)

Another thing college students need to figure out is that they don't have the same power as administrators and professors. Why? Well, administrators and professors are employees. Students, on the other hand, are paying customers. They pay a lot of money for a very expensive service. Students shutting down Gallaudet is like Whole Foods customers shutting down grocery stores because they don't like the new CEO. Sorry, kids. You don't get, and you don't deserve, that much of a say.

"The whole school is speaking now," said junior Chris Corrigan, a protest leader. Students announced in an e-mail that there had been a coup d'universite and that they no longer recognized [I. King] Jordan as president.

Jordan, who has been a civil rights hero to many deaf people since student protests carried him into office nearly 20 years ago, making him the first deaf university president, stood in a mass of emotional protesters demanding answers yesterday morning."

Now the students are throwing a hero of their cause under the bus? Why? because, like many other dickhead college students, these people are going to college to make a difference and prove that they should be treated as adults and what not. Of course, mature adults wouldn't get their panties all in a bunch over something as trite as this.

I remember my freshman experience at American University. We had hordes of kids who were just hoping that they would get an opportunity to "make a difference." When we invaded Afghanistan in 2001 they were the first ones to stop traffic at Ward Circle and handcuff themselves to the Homeland Security fences on Nebraska Avenue. Washington, DC is a magnet for these "make a difference" douchebags who want a good protest story to tell their grandchildren. They are fucking phonies and don't deserve any of the attention they crave.

Now Gallaudet students are going down the same road. Instead of reasonable protests, they're shutting down the school. And for what? For something that will have almost no impact on their lives.

Gallaudet students need to realize what they're in school for. It's not to shut down the university by exercising your newfound clout. It's to get an education. Which means going to classes. Which means NOT SHUTTING DOWN THE SCHOOL! I'm sorry that you don't like your new president. Please get over it immediately.


I'm Going to Get Shit in the Comments For This Post

Please excuse me as I shift from bitching about the $686,000,000.00 playground to focus on national news.

Lately the news has been dominated by incomprehensible violence within schools. Schools are one of the few places where any act of murder or mayhem uniquely affects the American conscience. These are children who are mostly defenseless and need us to protect them. Despite the recent bloodletting in educational settings, schools are considered the safest place for children of any age. Obviously, executions and sexual assaults of innocent young girls still have a way of burrowing under your skin. Something must be done.

Well, something productive anyways. It's obvious that current Republican leadership has no interest in acting productively. Instead, they offer platitudes and batshit craziness. It's par for the course for the American Right.

Just look at how stupid conservatives are acting in Dana Milbank's most recent column. President Bush, First Lady Laura Bush, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, and Secretary Margaret Spellings all hosted panels and/or gave speeches on the recent spate of school violence. All four failed to talk about the "elephant in the room": access to assault weapons.

Now, it's full disclosure time. Although I've been called a "mediocre liberal in-the-box thinker" in this blog's comments section, one area where I diverge from typical liberal thinking is gun control. I'm one of the few DC residents who thinks that the city's handgun ban is wildly unconstitutional. Yes it keeps the citizenry safer from acts of violence. That's no excuse for a serious breach of the Second Amendment. It's our Bill of Rights. We can't weaken them in the name of safety. That applies to handguns as much as it applies to not sending people to Syria to be tortured without trial or access to evidence. Real liberals should be with me on this. Instead I'm stuck agreeing with Republicans and, shudder, Libertarians.

Of course, like many other liberties, there are limits. And psychotics getting access to assault weapons designed for the sole purpose of taking human life is certainly way outside those limits. Our Constitution certainly has plenty of room for pragmatism.

Republican leadership's failure to discuss the impact of assault weapons in connection to violence within our schools is ridiculously negligent. This is an issue that could result in an excellent national dialogue. But as long as the NRA is writing the checks, the American public is shit out of luck.

So, what do Republican supporters say the real problem is? Hold onto your hats for the surprising answer:

Bush and his fellow participants stood in front of a faux blackboard inscribed with the words "Conference on School Safety" 42 times. With gun control off the table, the questions and comments became a bit repetitious, too, as a long line of participants echoed the belief that school violence would be reduced by values education and religious belief.

"It's illegal to say 'God' in the public schools these days," complained one questioner. He was followed by a representative of the American Association of Christian Schools. Craig Scott, brother of a girl killed in the Columbine massacre, said she was "killed for her faith."

"Lots of folks find answers in their faith," Spellings observed.

They certainly did yesterday. Another panelist spoke about the need for churches to "adopt" schools. An organization started by the Scotts, Rachel's Challenge, distributed brochures comparing the slain girl and her father to Anne Frank and her father.

When Bush arrived, Craig Scott was invited to speak again. This time, he read a poem he said his father read while appearing before a congressional committee.

"You've outlawed simple prayer.

"Now gunshots fill our classrooms and precious children die . . .

"You regulate restrictive law through legislative creed, and yet you failed to understand that God is what we need."

Of course. Of fucking course. President Bush, by the way, lauded Scott's "unbelievably eloquent testimony." I suppose "eloquent" is relative when dealing with President Bush.

What garbage. Christianity, even the evangelical kind that many liberals find so scary, is fine by me. But this is flat-out dishonest. You'd think people so into their Lord and Savior would know that bearing false witness is a big no-no.

First thing first. It is not illegal to say "God" in public schools. For teachers, yeah. Separation of church and state and all that deliciousness. But personal prayer, despite what the Christian crazies might tell you, is perfectly fine. I only spent three years in a non-religious (read: public) school, but people prayed all the time. People even crossed themselves before math class! And this was in Massachusetts, the first place Evangelicals would expect a bunch of crazy anti-prayer laws.

And what's really startling about all this "schools aren't Christian enough" hogwash is that the most startling and horrible act of school violence took place in an Amish school! Are these people suggesting that the Amish aren't Christian enough!? I'm pretty sure Amish schoolhouses feature prayer!

As for the Scotts, well, I'm sorry that this family lost a loving daughter. But passing out brochures comparing her to Anne Frank reeks of self-promotion. Oh, and Craig? Your poem sucks.

The Republicans have decided that giving people the religious willies is more important than a dialogue on access to assault weapons. Why? Because the religious willies are the grease in the GOP voting machine. Shame on these people.


Happy Kill an Indian Day!

It's Columbus Day, so if you're stuck at work you have my empathy.

Last Friday The Washington Post published the worst editorial in the history of the entire world. Hyperbole? Maybe. God knows The Washington Times has had some clunkers over its 24-year run. But the Post's "Farewell, Martha" is so ridiculously trite...it even gives the Times a run for its money.

Hollywood would have scripted a different ending for the saga of Martha, the bald eagle who with her mate, George, captured the imagination of the Washington area. But rather than feeling sad for what has been lost, we prefer to focus on the lessons that this improbable pair imparted about the beauty and value of the natural world.

That's right, the Post decided to write an editorial about the death of an eagle. It's a good thing more important things aren't going on in the world! Like a Congressional sex scandal, a totally mismanaged war, or a so called "crime emergency." Yeah, those are important things. But it's a Friday before a three day weekend! Let's talk about eagles!

Martha was put to sleep this week after veterinarians wisely concluded that it would be cruel to keep her alive in captivity following injuries that would have prevented her from ever flying again. Martha and George were so named by workers building a replacement for the Wilson Bridge, which the two bald eagles nested near in spite of the noise and commotion. They became mascots, and a public eager to imbue animals with human qualities saw love and loyalty as they stayed together and, over the years, produced 16 eaglets. Martha was injured in an attack by another bird in April, and her struggle to recover and rejoin George became national news.

National news? I've been struggling with this for a while, but I really have to admit to myself that America is made up of retards. Two fucking eagles became mascots for a public works project! Why do people care about eagles!?!?

"...A public eager to imbue animals with human qualities..." WTF! These people are allowed to vote!

That attack epitomizes both the good and bad news about the state of bald eagles today. Once threatened with extinction, the bald eagles' population has rebounded to a point where some are suggesting they no longer need to be on the endangered species list. The eagle that attacked Martha is a sign of that increase; the battle, which was over territory, is evidence of the loss of habitat to urban encroachment.

Ok. So what? Are you saying that we shouldn't be building a new Wilson Bridge because it will make the eagles angry? Because if you're actually suggesting that, then there will be a million commuters outside of your offices with torches and pitchforks.

George and Martha showed thousands of commuters a better side to a lousy ride over a bridge. As a result, many drove away with a new respect for wildlife.

That's the conclusion that the Post editorial board is drawing? Really? Based on what? I don't respect eagles. I mean, they're kind of cool looking and all, but they are birds. Stupid birds that can't even get out of the way of bridge construction. I'm glad another eagle attacked Martha. Why? Because it made stupid people sad. I get off on the sadness of people who are dumber than me. That's why I love it when a dolphin gets killed by a boat propeller. Stupid people love dolphins. Please do not get me started on pandas.

No one gives a shit when there is an occurrence of moose-on-moose violence or, for that matter, person-on-person violence*. Why are eagles an exception?

I hope someone cooked Martha and ate her.

*Notable exception: when a black person kills a white person. That usually gets the public's attention.


Oh My God

This really can't be happening again.

Lame-duck Mayor Anthony Williams is asking the City Council to approve another $75,000,000.00 to be added on to the DC baseball stadium budget. That increase, if approved, would mean DC is paying $686,000,000.00 for a stadium that, according to Linda Cropp, would be a Buick instead of a Cadillac.

Council Member Jack Evans (D-Ward 2), who has never seen a sweetheart deal towards Major League Baseball that he didn't like, has admitted that the Council probably won't approve any increases. Thank goodness. But the gall of Mayor Williams to try to get more public financing on his way out of office is striking. He didn't even tell Adrien Fenty about his devious plan. Probably because Fenty would never support it.

Here's a reminder of how ridiculous the process of building a baseball stadium has been:

When Williams announced that the District would be getting a Major League Baseball team in September 2004, he said the stadium and parking would cost $435 million. But the cost estimates were quickly raised -- to $535 million in December 2004, then to the $611 million limit set by the council in April.

So, Mayor Williams and the baseball boosters were either lying or totally incompetent. Williams is saying that the stadium will cost $251,000,000.00 more than originally expected. Even the most incompetent city officials don't make $251,000,000.00 mistakes. That's way outside any reasonable margin of error. The baseball boosters misinformed the public to drum up support for a super-expensive stadium that, frankly, we don't need. Shame on them all.


Three Posts in One Day? Why Not!?

Quick little story:

A 50ish woman was driving a black Lexus sedan with Virginia plates. She was driving on M street towards Georgetown. She hit a red light on the intersection of 19th and M. She took a left turn anyways.

Driving on 19th she ran into a little bit of traffic. She handled the situation maturely by firmly placing her hand on the horn and not letting go. This was especially hilarious considering the traffic jam was no one's fault. Traffic was a bit backed up from a red light on 19th and L. This happens every single weeknight. Honking won't fix it.

The driver's obnoxious actions coupled with her luxury car filled me with rage. Who the fuck does she think she is? She honestly thinks red lights and traffic decorum don't apply to her? What a jerk!

I don't like bad drivers, entitled douchebags, or Virginia all that much. So, I decided to memorize her license plate number. 673 215. Virginia plates.

If you see a black Lexus with that plate, you know what to do. Don't worry, the security cameras here won't catch you.

Comment War Leads to Clear Victor

A week ago I wrote about the DC Crime Bill and what a big fat failure it was. The curfews weren't working. The cameras weren't working. People were still getting shot at alarming rates. Conclusion: failure.

I was involved in an exchange with someone going by "Conservative With a Brain" in the comments section of the post. I would very much like to copy-and-paste portions of this exchange. It goes on for a while, so I understand if you want to skip past all of this. CWaB's words are italicized, mine are bold and italicized.

Did you ever stop to think that if these little scumbags had actually been OBEYING THE LAW and had not been out on the streets after the curfew, that they would still be alive???? CURFEWS WORK IF THEY ARE ENFORCED. But if they were enforced, you would bitch about that instead.

As far as cameras go, they too work if used properly. A friend of mine was recently mugged in England. Within a few hours, the muggers were in jail. Why? Because the entire scene was caught on video.

But no, you'd rather just bitch that your right to privacy while on a PUBLIC street is being invaded, while offering no alternatives.

It's a spiral of poverty and hopelessness. There are no easy answers which is why the youth curfew and the security cameras were so obviously destined to fail.

...As for the cameras, you also chose to ignore my comment regarding the friend who was mugged. Hmm....let's see here. Friend mugged. Perps caught within hours because of CAMERAS. Perps now in jail. Perps can no longer mug anyone else (at least temporarily). But cameras don't work. Are you really that fucking stupid?

That's the way you want it? Crime gets bad so everyone is forced to be in bed by 10pm? What about the 32-yr-old who got shot in the back with a 14-yr-old in SE? What did he do to deserve his premature death?

And I'm glad that cameras caught your friend's muggers. Your anecdote is final proof that cameras are an effective way to catch criminals.

This is un-freaking-believable.

Anecdotal? What the fuck are you talking about, Rusty? I give indisputable proof that cameras can be an effective way to fight crime, and you call my proof "anecdotal"? Let's cover it again. BECAUSE OF THE CAMERAS, THESE GUYS ARE IN JAIL, AND CAN NO LONGER MUG ANYONE ELSE. Is that do difficult to understand? But it's "anectdotal" (sic!)? Why? Because it worked? Why are liberals so unable to grasp the concept that they may be wrong?...

Why is it so difficult for you to consider another point of view?

Do you know what anecdotal means? Your sample size of one is statistically meaningless.

Indisputable proof? I'm sorry, but I can dispute all sorts of things regarding security cameras. Can they work? Of course. But your friend's experience has done literally nothing to convince me that security cameras are an acceptable and productive way to fight crime.

(After my retort someone left an anonymous comment that included the dictionary definition of the word "anecdote." That person is undeniably awesome.)

My friend's attackers are in jail because of security cameras, and therefore cannot mug anyone else. Yet you say:"But your friend's experience has done literally nothing to convince me that security cameras are an acceptable and productive way to fight crime."Holy shit -- you really ARE that fucking stupid, aren't you?

Still with me? OK. Well, a bit later, on a different post, Conservative With a Brain left this comment:

...Dude, it ain't worth it. If Rusty could put forth a decent argument, instead of ignoring facts, I may stick around. I keep promising myself I'm going to delete this dumbass blog from my bookmarks, but for some reason I keep coming back. It's like some sort of freakin' drug. I enjoy a good debate as much as anyone. As long as the opposing side puts forth a good argument, instead of ignoring facts and statistics from reliable sources...

It's a shame that this hateful douchebag doesn't read this blog anymore. It would give me unlimited happiness for him to respond to this little hyperlink (h/t to DCist): "Police: Cameras Not Helping Fight Crime Much."

Yes, the Metro Police admit that cameras have yet to be used in a single prosecution. They haven't solved any crimes. And they certainly haven't been a deterrent. Two people have been murdered within the sightlines of the cameras. The cameras have failed. The emergency crime legislation has failed. DC fails its constituents again!

I'd rather be wrong and have cameras save lives than be right and watch innocent people get shot. But I am right, so let me revel in it. I just want to leave CWaB this little message:

The reason I ignore what you say is because I think you are an idiot. You don't even know what "anecdotal" means. You have cited no evidence other than a friend of yours getting mugged in London which you could have made up anyways. I'm taking you at your word which is probably more credit than you deserve. Regardless, you were wrong. If that weren't bad enough, you called juvenile murder victims "scumbags" because they were out and about after curfew. You are the worst kind of person. A cocky person who has the intellect of a field mouse and who has no empathy for others. Eat crow and eat shit, motherfucker.

Score one for Rusty, bitch.

I Hate Congress

And not because of old men trying to diddle teenage boys. I'm from Gerry Studds's district, I can handle that sort of thing*. I'm steamed at Congress because, for the first time that I can remember, Congress has dramatically affected my life for the worse. They have voted to ban online gambling. My days of playing (and losing at) online poker appear to be over.

Not all gambling of course. There are exceptions for horse racing, lotteries, and fantasy sports. Why those three exceptions? I have no idea. If Internet gambling really is the "crack-cocaine of gambling," why continue to support three types of gutter glitter? If this legislation is meant to prevent compulsive gamblers from pissing away their savings accounts, it will end in miserable failure. Isn't that why they're called compulsive gamblers? They'll gamble on anything. Blackjack, Roulette, horsies, or balls with numbers on them being popped out of Internet tubes.

I've read that this law was designed as red-meat legislation for socially conservative voters who consider gambling a sin. I don't completely buy that. There are quite a few Democrats who voted for the original legislation. Including, wouldn't you know it, Senatorial candidate Benjamin Cardin (D-MD). He's in quite the dogfight with Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele (R-obvs)!

Now, I think that taking back the Senate is of the utmost importance. Maryland is one of only two states where the Democrats have to play defense. A Cardin victory is very, very important. So, Maryland voters, even if you think this anti-gambling legislation is complete bullshit, vote for Cardin anyways. But please give his office a call. Here's his contact information. Even if you're not a Maryland resident, give him a call and just lie about where you live. If they ask, just pretend you're from Bethesda (20814) or Silver Spring (20910).

Hey, Northern Virginia! You're not off the hook yet. Representative Jim Moran (D-VA) voted for this ban too. You know what to do. Here's his contact information.

I know the relationship between Internet gambling and hating Washington is tenuous/non-existent. But, to my credit, I am actually trying to make a difference instead of just complaining. I am really going to miss losing $60 a week over the Internet. It's a passion of mine. And these fucktards on Capitol Hill are playing parent and taking that away from me.

Once this stupid ban goes in effect, please feel free to e-mail me and invite me to your low/mid-stakes poker games. I promise I'm not that good. I'll even bring beer.

*By the way, disgraced Congressman Mark Foley voted against the Internet gambling ban. So he's not all that bad!