Happy Kill an Indian Day!

It's Columbus Day, so if you're stuck at work you have my empathy.

Last Friday The Washington Post published the worst editorial in the history of the entire world. Hyperbole? Maybe. God knows The Washington Times has had some clunkers over its 24-year run. But the Post's "Farewell, Martha" is so ridiculously trite...it even gives the Times a run for its money.

Hollywood would have scripted a different ending for the saga of Martha, the bald eagle who with her mate, George, captured the imagination of the Washington area. But rather than feeling sad for what has been lost, we prefer to focus on the lessons that this improbable pair imparted about the beauty and value of the natural world.

That's right, the Post decided to write an editorial about the death of an eagle. It's a good thing more important things aren't going on in the world! Like a Congressional sex scandal, a totally mismanaged war, or a so called "crime emergency." Yeah, those are important things. But it's a Friday before a three day weekend! Let's talk about eagles!

Martha was put to sleep this week after veterinarians wisely concluded that it would be cruel to keep her alive in captivity following injuries that would have prevented her from ever flying again. Martha and George were so named by workers building a replacement for the Wilson Bridge, which the two bald eagles nested near in spite of the noise and commotion. They became mascots, and a public eager to imbue animals with human qualities saw love and loyalty as they stayed together and, over the years, produced 16 eaglets. Martha was injured in an attack by another bird in April, and her struggle to recover and rejoin George became national news.

National news? I've been struggling with this for a while, but I really have to admit to myself that America is made up of retards. Two fucking eagles became mascots for a public works project! Why do people care about eagles!?!?

"...A public eager to imbue animals with human qualities..." WTF! These people are allowed to vote!

That attack epitomizes both the good and bad news about the state of bald eagles today. Once threatened with extinction, the bald eagles' population has rebounded to a point where some are suggesting they no longer need to be on the endangered species list. The eagle that attacked Martha is a sign of that increase; the battle, which was over territory, is evidence of the loss of habitat to urban encroachment.

Ok. So what? Are you saying that we shouldn't be building a new Wilson Bridge because it will make the eagles angry? Because if you're actually suggesting that, then there will be a million commuters outside of your offices with torches and pitchforks.

George and Martha showed thousands of commuters a better side to a lousy ride over a bridge. As a result, many drove away with a new respect for wildlife.

That's the conclusion that the Post editorial board is drawing? Really? Based on what? I don't respect eagles. I mean, they're kind of cool looking and all, but they are birds. Stupid birds that can't even get out of the way of bridge construction. I'm glad another eagle attacked Martha. Why? Because it made stupid people sad. I get off on the sadness of people who are dumber than me. That's why I love it when a dolphin gets killed by a boat propeller. Stupid people love dolphins. Please do not get me started on pandas.

No one gives a shit when there is an occurrence of moose-on-moose violence or, for that matter, person-on-person violence*. Why are eagles an exception?

I hope someone cooked Martha and ate her.

*Notable exception: when a black person kills a white person. That usually gets the public's attention.