Happy Kill an Indian Day!

It's Columbus Day, so if you're stuck at work you have my empathy.

Last Friday The Washington Post published the worst editorial in the history of the entire world. Hyperbole? Maybe. God knows The Washington Times has had some clunkers over its 24-year run. But the Post's "Farewell, Martha" is so ridiculously trite...it even gives the Times a run for its money.

Hollywood would have scripted a different ending for the saga of Martha, the bald eagle who with her mate, George, captured the imagination of the Washington area. But rather than feeling sad for what has been lost, we prefer to focus on the lessons that this improbable pair imparted about the beauty and value of the natural world.

That's right, the Post decided to write an editorial about the death of an eagle. It's a good thing more important things aren't going on in the world! Like a Congressional sex scandal, a totally mismanaged war, or a so called "crime emergency." Yeah, those are important things. But it's a Friday before a three day weekend! Let's talk about eagles!

Martha was put to sleep this week after veterinarians wisely concluded that it would be cruel to keep her alive in captivity following injuries that would have prevented her from ever flying again. Martha and George were so named by workers building a replacement for the Wilson Bridge, which the two bald eagles nested near in spite of the noise and commotion. They became mascots, and a public eager to imbue animals with human qualities saw love and loyalty as they stayed together and, over the years, produced 16 eaglets. Martha was injured in an attack by another bird in April, and her struggle to recover and rejoin George became national news.

National news? I've been struggling with this for a while, but I really have to admit to myself that America is made up of retards. Two fucking eagles became mascots for a public works project! Why do people care about eagles!?!?

"...A public eager to imbue animals with human qualities..." WTF! These people are allowed to vote!

That attack epitomizes both the good and bad news about the state of bald eagles today. Once threatened with extinction, the bald eagles' population has rebounded to a point where some are suggesting they no longer need to be on the endangered species list. The eagle that attacked Martha is a sign of that increase; the battle, which was over territory, is evidence of the loss of habitat to urban encroachment.

Ok. So what? Are you saying that we shouldn't be building a new Wilson Bridge because it will make the eagles angry? Because if you're actually suggesting that, then there will be a million commuters outside of your offices with torches and pitchforks.

George and Martha showed thousands of commuters a better side to a lousy ride over a bridge. As a result, many drove away with a new respect for wildlife.

That's the conclusion that the Post editorial board is drawing? Really? Based on what? I don't respect eagles. I mean, they're kind of cool looking and all, but they are birds. Stupid birds that can't even get out of the way of bridge construction. I'm glad another eagle attacked Martha. Why? Because it made stupid people sad. I get off on the sadness of people who are dumber than me. That's why I love it when a dolphin gets killed by a boat propeller. Stupid people love dolphins. Please do not get me started on pandas.

No one gives a shit when there is an occurrence of moose-on-moose violence or, for that matter, person-on-person violence*. Why are eagles an exception?

I hope someone cooked Martha and ate her.

*Notable exception: when a black person kills a white person. That usually gets the public's attention.


  1. You're an insensitive fuck.

  2. Why are eagles important?


    Now do you understand?


  3. Wow, I really loved that post. Personal interest stories about animals are pathetic. Why does anyone care if one eagle dies? How many people going over the wilson bridge even knew of those damn eagles? I dare someone to honestly defend this pathetic excuse for an editorial.

  4. It's not all about the "top stories" butt munch.

  5. Rusty - that was harsh, even for you. I love your stuff, but that might been over the top. Except for the part about the dolphins. That was really funny.

  6. I get off on the sadness of people who are dumber than me.

    All three of them, eh?

  7. As the national symbol, the extinction of the bald eagle would be beyond bad karma for the nation. Way, way beyond.

    You think you're a lot smarter than you actually are. You're really pretty limited intellectually. Mediocre liberal in-the-box "thinker."

  8. Well there is no doubt I am smarter than anyone who is "eager to imbue animals with human qualities."

  9. I have to admit, this was a pretty funny post. Right on.

  10. "you think you're a lot smarter than you actually are. You're really pretty limited intellectually. Mediocre liberal in-the-box "thinker.""

    Best post ever. I couldnt agree more with your description of Rusty. Thank you Anonymous.

  11. "George and Martha showed thousands of commuters a better side to a lousy ride over a bridge."

    Those fuckers can FLY! FUCK THEM!

  12. Well there is no doubt I am smarter than anyone who is "eager to imbue animals with human qualities."

    True that. Classically it goes the other way. Humans have animal qualities. My totem is the bald eagle. This hurts.

  13. One day Bald Eagle was talking to Coyote, who warned him that Rooster was plotting against him.

    But Bald Eagle was not worried. Rooster cannot fly.

  14. Well, look at this. This walking hominid thinks he's that much smarter than eagle. How much smarter would you say?

    Bald Eagle reminds me of some guy who holes up in the house he's had for 40 years and is dragged out as the Interstate comes through.

    Bald Eagle sounds like one tough bastard. I'll tell you, I'm a good sized man but I wouldn't want to get into a fight w/ one of those sumbitches.

  15. Alright, you were right to ridicule that writer's trite language. It's a shame to me that better writers can't get the job.

    But it's interesting to me how a couple of culturally-important, relatively intelligent animals (formerly on the ESL) would come face to face w/ progress in one of the faster growing monkey hives we've got going here.

  16. And you gotta bring up the Indians on our day, huh? And again w/ the blacks killing the whites and how nobody should care about that....

    You're a broken record.

  17. Oh, I'm Rusty. White people and stupid birds really piss me off!

  18. Eagles?! Eagles?!! You hate Eagles???? What the hell was the god damned point of that petty assed tirade?

    Eat S#it and die.

    You are not funny and you are anthropocentric? You deserve to be hit by a metro bus, preferably while crossing the street in your beloved Tenleytown. Maybe take a few smug AU students with you.

    But then you couldn't stick rusty tetanus ridden nails in your anus, you canker sore ridden man chowder stain.

    To paraphrase Ed Abbey, I'd sooner shoot a man than an Eagle. Especially if he was named Rusty. Preferably with my semi-automatic perfectly legal m1 garand.

    You are one load your momma should have swallowed, sonny.


  19. Geez, my mom reads this you know.

    I actually like eagles. My point was that it was a stupid editorial.