What Not to Do With Your Saturday Night

Halloween is almost upon us! Hurray! Like every other red-blooded American, I loves me some Halloween. I love candy, pumpkins, and, most importantly, I LOVE the combination of alcohol and super-slutty costumes. Every girl should dress as a slutty _____ this year! Anyone dressing as a "slutty Gallaudet protester"?

Tonight is my first Halloween party and I'm super-excited. I decided against dressing as my first costume choice, Corey Lidle. Instead, I will be SLASH. Any costume where a bottle of Jack Daniels is a legitimate prop is a damned good costume. No keg lines for me!

So, tonight I'm all set. Tomorrow, not so much. My Saturday day-planner is totally blank. I asked some friends what they were up to on Saturday night. I shuddered when I heard their response.

"Bar Crawl."

So now I have to dedicate precious Internet space to explain why Washington bar crawls are about as fun as dental work. Just so you know what we're dealing with, here's a link to the bar crawl poster. It includes prices and all the participating Golden Triangle bars.

Where to start? First, let's attack the pricing. It's Halloween so we'll assume that everyone will be wearing a costume. That means a bracelet is going to set you back $15. What do you get for $15? The privilege of drinking $2 Bud Lights. Of course, $2 Bud Lights isn't a firesale. Any decent happy hour wouldn't charge much more than two bucks for a 12 ounce bottle of watered down beer.

The pricing issue is exacerbated by the attitude of the people going to this event. Once you pay your $15, you're going to want to drink as much as possible to make the cover worth it. Also, it's Halloween. So, the more Bud Lights you drink the more likely you are to believe that hooking up with that GW frat guy in a fireman costume is a good idea. So, let's say, on average, everyone will have 10 Bud Lights. That's another $20. Don't forget another $10 for tips!

Bar crawl, something many people attend for its supposed cheapness, will set people back a good $45. I don't know about you, but I can get drunk at a reputable bar drinking reputable beer for under $45. Advantage: Rusty.

What if you're not going to save money? What if you're going for the atmosphere? I say to you, Hypothetical Person Going To Bar Crawl For The Atmosphere, you are drunk on optimism juice.

Let's look at the bars participating in bar crawl. Why, it's the usual suspects! Madhatter's is the worst bar in the history of the universe. People packed to the gills with an unfriendly staff and illiterate bouncers who can't figure out that 2005-1983=22>21.

Oh, Ozio is on the list too! That's the pretentious place I went to with no beers on tap, a Motown cover duet rocking by the door, and the TV playing lumberjack games on ESPN 2. That was a fun night.

Most of the bars, specifically Madhatter's, Rumors, The Front Page, and McFadden's, offer the wonderful ambiance of pounding hip-hop and "Slippery When Wet" era Bon Jovi while being shoulder to shoulder with an angry looking frat guy and a drunk bimbo screaming the lyrics to Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous." In fact, the only decent bar I can find on this list is the Black Rooster Pub. And if you're only getting deals on Bug Light and not on Guinness, what's the point of going there? Premiership highlights?

I love Halloween, but it would be dishonest if I were to deny that many of my fellow Halloween lovers are lame. These lame people are exactly the type who would enjoy a bar crawl. A large group getting as drunk as possible in skimpy outfits looking to have their holiday validated by some penis-in-vagina action. There are those going to bar crawl for the innocent purpose of getting drunk (like my friends), but it would be silly to argue that most people at this event aren't trying to fuck their brains out by the end of the night. Binge drinking is a means to this end. If you're really only interested in getting hammered, why not go to a real bar with real alcohol. You'd end up saving money. And you wouldn't be in the company of as many idiots.

Saturday you can probably catch me drinking in any decent bar with my wig and top hat. It may not be as exciting as requesting more Journey at The Front Page, but I'm sure I'll get by.


  1. Rusty, I am sooooo down with you! One of my friends forwarded that lindypromo shit, and the first thing I thought was: It's going to be madness with a bunch of 23-yr olds with the DJ playing Pour Some Sugar on Me. So I am nixing that idea and instead going to a Halloween party w/100+ RSVPed guests in my slutty Wonder Woman costume drinking my own beer or wine (whatever I choose to bring and b/c I'm a gracious guest and happy to share) to frolick around people my own age and perhaps with some LCD Soundsystem playing in the background.

  2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uT3nIi0gH20

  3. Man, I don't miss the DC bar scene. Not that I should talk- a couple weeks ago I was at a bar in Chelsea that charged me $16 for a double Captain and Coke. INSANITY. Which is why I'm hosting an H'ween party at my apartment.

  4. "Madhatter's is the worst bar in the history of the universe."

    You couldn't be more correct. Makes me happy I'm going to a friend's annual party.

  5. "Madhatter's is the worst bar in the history of the universe."

    You couldn't be more correct. Makes me happy I'm going to a friend's annual party.

  6. Rusty,

    I can trip my balls off for less than $4. That's good value. Word up.

  7. easy there people, obviously all you prima donnas out there just don't know what you're actually talking about. first the bar crawl that is done is a lot of fun and gives you a chance to go to bars taht you normally wouldn't go to (and is only good to go to during bar crawl i.e. recessions). also the proceeds that are made go to charity so if you can't spend $15 go back to where you came from you cheap schmuck. and, belle, i don't think i'm every going to listen to someone who has a picture of their small rack that identifies themselves. obviously you had your 3 mixed drinks and went home with one of the bouncers...i've never heard of this site until one of my co-workers foward me this crap. seriously people, if you hate dc soooo much why in god's name are you even here???? you guys remind me of the stupid celebrities that said if bush was re-elected they would move to france...unfortunately they didn't just like you people that take all this crap about a place you live in. take it easy people and have a good time and enjoy your halloween.

  8. DJB, you find me a job and a home with rent comparable to what I pay in DC in either Boston or NYC, and I will leave.

  9. DJB is a tool.

    I want to move back to the Midwest. I would move to Chicago, Milwaukee or the Twin Cities in a heartbeat...only if I took my over-paid Washington, DC salary with me. Plus, the job market in the Midwest really blows for people with college degrees. That's why I am stuck in this sewer called our Nation's Capital because jobs are plentiful and every dumbass (including me) from K Street to the Hill is OVERPAID.

    So fucking sick of this town.

  10. The federal government provides a locality pay of 17% higher than the average American locale.

    Generally, private industry goes by that and i try to save a bit of that 17% by skimping on a few things to beat the system. I'd love to have my standard of living somewhere else, however.

    JDB or whatever, that's called having your cake and eating it too.

  11. Oh, I am paid nothing. But I pay such ludicrously little rent that I could be working at Whole Foods again and living comfortably.

  12. to matt and yuppies: are you guys serious and just plain retarded? its people like you that take a great city like our nation's capitol, live here make a living and then trash it. thanks for your statistics and im happy for you that you have your cake and eating but for you to be such a little bitch and complain about it is pathetic. all you people do is complain and bitch and complain some more but the truth is you don't want to get outta here because dc has treated you right and youre too scared to pick up and move. and i'm sorry the job market in the midwest blows for people with degrees, i guess all the people with their hs diplomas are sucking up all the jobs...you people are pathetic (and go ahead and call me a tool or whatever, i won't be looking at this shit again)

  13. DJB, the city has given me a diploma, a job, and, friends (awwww). That's not what I hate about it. I hate the terrible nightlife, the petty rivalries, the incompetent government, the stadium deal, the buses, The Washington Times, and being so close to Virginia.

    Surely you hate some of those things?

  14. I live in Milwaukee, and it is wonderful, in case anyone was curious.

    #1 reason Milwaukee rocks: Hoffbrau Haus. I found out tonight that every Friday at 6:00 they tap a keg and everyone drinks for free until it's gone. The person that gets the last beer out of the keg drinks for free for the rest of the night. In case you were curious, the keg lasted until 6:25. Not bad for the drunkest city in America.