Included in the topics of conversation between my co-workers on the drive over to a meeting:
How MFing Reston is so great, because the landscaping is so pristine.
Yes, these were all men. Go figure.
11.08.2004
11.07.2004
Maybe an obstructed view is the best view, after all
Daniel Snyder. Owner of the Redskins. Nobody else embodies what I hate about Washingtonians more than this man.
The latest article is a laugh-riot. After a loss:
Patience, you say? Learned a lot, hmmm? Let's recap the quarterback situation:
- Last year, they drafted Patrick Ramsey in the first round. This was a huge stretch; he wasn't projected to be drafted until much later. The team got poor value out of the pick.
- This year, they sign Mark Brunell to a huge contract. Now, I like Brunell, and it was fun watching him on those good Jaguars teams in the late '90s, but let's face it: he's old and busted. He was at his most effective when he was mobile and a scrambler; as a purely pocket passer, he's hasn't exactly been on the A-list lately. Thus, they got poor value again.
But the biggest problem with signing him is that they've benched Ramsey. If you're going to reach for a QB in the draft, and bank on him as your future, you've got to play him. By signing and starting Brunell, they compunded the draft mistake. Brunell would be a good addition to a team in need of a veteran backup QB; he's a bad signing for a rebuilding team that supposedly has its eye on the future.
Despite having some of the worst stats in the league, the Redskins continue to start Brunell. And every game is more potential lost for getting Ramsey some more experience (and getting a better look at him). Apparently, since Brunell is Gibbs' evangelical Christian bunk-mate, he's in pretty much forever. (Where's your God now, NASCAR-boy?)
In other words, in terms of being unable to see the shortcomings in your own decisions, Snyder appears to have a friend in Gibbs. And that's what being a Washingtonian is, in a nutshell: you have to have an overblown sense of self-importance, coupled with an inability to do any self-evaluation whatsoever.
Now, foreseeing this awfulness, I didn't buy tickets this year! Pat on the back, me! Of course, I still have to watch this crap on TV tomorrow, instead of the superior Eagles-Steelers matchup, so I lose either way.
So, who's up for some baseball?
Oh wait, that's not happening either now.
Darn.
The latest article is a laugh-riot. After a loss:
"I was so depressed in the locker room," [head coach Joe] Gibbs recalled Wednesday at Redskins Park. "And [Snyder] walked right up to me and he said, 'Hey look, I just want to encourage you. It takes a while. Maybe you can't see it; you're too close to it. We have improvement. We're on the right track.'"Funny thing, this new definition of "improvement." He'd better hope nobody tries to make any "improvements" on the Danny-copter.
"Joe has final say on everything. Period," Snyder said. "I've taken my lumps. I've come a long way. I think I've got incredible patience and understand things now that I didn't have when I first came into the league. I've learned a whole bunch."(Said the man who's on his fifth head coach in six years.)
Patience, you say? Learned a lot, hmmm? Let's recap the quarterback situation:
- Last year, they drafted Patrick Ramsey in the first round. This was a huge stretch; he wasn't projected to be drafted until much later. The team got poor value out of the pick.
- This year, they sign Mark Brunell to a huge contract. Now, I like Brunell, and it was fun watching him on those good Jaguars teams in the late '90s, but let's face it: he's old and busted. He was at his most effective when he was mobile and a scrambler; as a purely pocket passer, he's hasn't exactly been on the A-list lately. Thus, they got poor value again.
But the biggest problem with signing him is that they've benched Ramsey. If you're going to reach for a QB in the draft, and bank on him as your future, you've got to play him. By signing and starting Brunell, they compunded the draft mistake. Brunell would be a good addition to a team in need of a veteran backup QB; he's a bad signing for a rebuilding team that supposedly has its eye on the future.
Despite having some of the worst stats in the league, the Redskins continue to start Brunell. And every game is more potential lost for getting Ramsey some more experience (and getting a better look at him). Apparently, since Brunell is Gibbs' evangelical Christian bunk-mate, he's in pretty much forever. (Where's your God now, NASCAR-boy?)
In other words, in terms of being unable to see the shortcomings in your own decisions, Snyder appears to have a friend in Gibbs. And that's what being a Washingtonian is, in a nutshell: you have to have an overblown sense of self-importance, coupled with an inability to do any self-evaluation whatsoever.
Now, foreseeing this awfulness, I didn't buy tickets this year! Pat on the back, me! Of course, I still have to watch this crap on TV tomorrow, instead of the superior Eagles-Steelers matchup, so I lose either way.
So, who's up for some baseball?
Oh wait, that's not happening either now.
Darn.
11.04.2004
INS1PID: Personalized Virginia license plates I have hated (part 14 in a series)
2B U -2B (e.g. the logical equation, "2B or not 2B"; i.e., NERD!!!)
FUN4MOI
L8-ZOOMR
On a Ford Mustang: LUSTANG
THRU F8H (Also, fuck the gays)
FUN4MOI
L8-ZOOMR
On a Ford Mustang: LUSTANG
THRU F8H (Also, fuck the gays)
OK, so now I'm in a bad mood
It's Thursday. It's cold, it's raining. My football game this evening is doubtlessly going to be called off. And, to top it all off, America proved it really, really hates gay people.
As if to celebrate that fact, a couple Metro trains bumped uglies yesterday:
Turns out one train lost it brakes, and simply rolled backward into the station. (Safety systems designed to prevent such an occurrence didn't activate.)
Meanwhile, Metro CEO Richard White gave us the understatement of the forever:
The weirdest thing about this story is that it kept getting worse as the day went on; the first reports talked about two trains "bumping" and injuring four people. Obviously it was a lot worse than that, and scary too; the driver yelled for everyone to "get off the train, run if you have to!"
Twenty people were hurt, and travel's obviously going to be delayed all week. Good times!
As if to celebrate that fact, a couple Metro trains bumped uglies yesterday:
Turns out one train lost it brakes, and simply rolled backward into the station. (Safety systems designed to prevent such an occurrence didn't activate.)
Meanwhile, Metro CEO Richard White gave us the understatement of the forever:
"Lately we've got a serious perception and credibility problem about what it is we're doing and how hard we're working on behalf of our customers," White said.Oh my God... they're finally starting to admit their suckitude! Eat that, "Lisa Farbstein"!
The weirdest thing about this story is that it kept getting worse as the day went on; the first reports talked about two trains "bumping" and injuring four people. Obviously it was a lot worse than that, and scary too; the driver yelled for everyone to "get off the train, run if you have to!"
Twenty people were hurt, and travel's obviously going to be delayed all week. Good times!
10.26.2004
Don't be hatin'
Hey haters,
Been in too good a mood lately to be doing any strong hatin' lately. My old job opened back up, so I'll be going back there and leaving behind motherfucking Reston pretty soon. And, it's football season, which always cheers me up. The weather has turned cool; the World Series is in full swing; it's almost Halloween. It's the best time of the year.
What can I say; happiness can, tragically, strike at any moment.
Don't worry, I'm sure the election will reverse all of that and really piss me off. I'm hoping there are a lot, a LOT, of people who only use cell phones instead of land lines these days.
Meanwhile:
- I think I said this last year, but Halloween is the one time of year I can really almost tolerate D.C. That's because all its uppity, tweedy twenty-to-thirty-something denizens, who have sold their souls in exchange for the illusion of power and/or wealth, finally get one day to shed their inhibitions and let their hair down. And I'm not talking about kicking it with the polo-shirt-and-khaki combo on casual Friday; I'm talking 28-year-old women who spend 364 days a year conforming and repressing to social and workplace mores... putting on Catholic school uniforms and pretending to be bad. That's freakin' hot.
- Oh man, how awesome is Jon Stewart? Tucker Carlson still has bootmarks on his ass. Mr. Stewart, you are a tiny Jewish GOD. It was the ultimate triumph of intelligence over mindless Washington spin. BRILLIANT. The uncomfortable comedy moment of the decade.
- I've got to stop listening to local AM radio. It's like a sickness. The other day, on WMAL, Chris Core was truly flabberghasted as to why Muslims were polling for Kerry by a 10-to-1 margin. After three calls from virulently anti-Muslim Bush supporters, he still claimed to be stumped. On Michael Graham's show, he claimed to prefer the Bush ticket to the supposedly shrill, bitter negativity of the Kerry campaign. This is the same Bush ticket with a veep who said "Go fuck yourself" on the floor of the Senate, is it not? I wanted to call in and issue a beatdown, but I hate myself enough already. I popped in an Oakenfold CD instead.
In conclusion, please bear with me during this fallow period of hate. Probably, when football season comes to an end, and my hands become more idle, you'll be seeing more of me here. In the meantime, stay informed with the excellent DCist. They're all over everything.
Been in too good a mood lately to be doing any strong hatin' lately. My old job opened back up, so I'll be going back there and leaving behind motherfucking Reston pretty soon. And, it's football season, which always cheers me up. The weather has turned cool; the World Series is in full swing; it's almost Halloween. It's the best time of the year.
What can I say; happiness can, tragically, strike at any moment.
Don't worry, I'm sure the election will reverse all of that and really piss me off. I'm hoping there are a lot, a LOT, of people who only use cell phones instead of land lines these days.
Meanwhile:
- I think I said this last year, but Halloween is the one time of year I can really almost tolerate D.C. That's because all its uppity, tweedy twenty-to-thirty-something denizens, who have sold their souls in exchange for the illusion of power and/or wealth, finally get one day to shed their inhibitions and let their hair down. And I'm not talking about kicking it with the polo-shirt-and-khaki combo on casual Friday; I'm talking 28-year-old women who spend 364 days a year conforming and repressing to social and workplace mores... putting on Catholic school uniforms and pretending to be bad. That's freakin' hot.
- Oh man, how awesome is Jon Stewart? Tucker Carlson still has bootmarks on his ass. Mr. Stewart, you are a tiny Jewish GOD. It was the ultimate triumph of intelligence over mindless Washington spin. BRILLIANT. The uncomfortable comedy moment of the decade.
- I've got to stop listening to local AM radio. It's like a sickness. The other day, on WMAL, Chris Core was truly flabberghasted as to why Muslims were polling for Kerry by a 10-to-1 margin. After three calls from virulently anti-Muslim Bush supporters, he still claimed to be stumped. On Michael Graham's show, he claimed to prefer the Bush ticket to the supposedly shrill, bitter negativity of the Kerry campaign. This is the same Bush ticket with a veep who said "Go fuck yourself" on the floor of the Senate, is it not? I wanted to call in and issue a beatdown, but I hate myself enough already. I popped in an Oakenfold CD instead.
In conclusion, please bear with me during this fallow period of hate. Probably, when football season comes to an end, and my hands become more idle, you'll be seeing more of me here. In the meantime, stay informed with the excellent DCist. They're all over everything.
10.05.2004
Baseball as a political football
OK, I'm obviously happy that we got a baseball team. That's something I've really missed over the past three years. Now there will finally be something entertaining to do during the summer, other than intentionally giving wrong directions to tourists.
Naturally, Washington residents are trying to make the excitement and fun of getting a baseball team as excruciating as possible by bringing politics into the mix. You know what the game of baseball should have nothing to do with? Politics. And yet, here's Mark Plotkin in the Post last week, whining that, because D.C. residents have to senators to represent them, the team should not be named senators.
Yes, I'm sure naming the team something other than Senators will, after two centuries, finally let those filthy Congressmen know D.C. means business now, bitch. "Oh, you still won't let us have senators? Well... well... then we're not naming our baseball team after you!"
That's adorable.
(Seriously, you want representation? It's not going to happen via slogans on license plates and flags. You guys need some non-violent resistance up in here. Block off bridges with protestors; convince Metro train drivers to all call in sick one day. Congress can't run without the cooperation of D.C. residents, so be uncooperative. Gandhi-style, bitches!)
But I digress. The fun-loving Plotkin goes on to suggest some "better" team names:
(Heh, "Washington Disenfranchised." I can hear the post-game show now. "D's lose to Mets, 7-4. Fans, don't forget next Tuesday is Felon Appreciation Night at the ballpark. First 5,000 felons through the gate receive a free Katherine Harris bobblehead doll.")
Meanwhile, the ridiculous name suggestions keeps pouring in, showcasing the complete lack of creativity and originality we Washingtonians tend to exhibit. "Diplomats," "Mudslingers," "Politicians?" Stupid, dumb, retarded. I would have thought "Senators" was the only name that made sense, but since two suchly teams jilted the city in the past, I can also understand the desire for a new name and a fresh start. For some reason "Washington Monuments" is popular; because we want our team to be likened to a large, phallic, gray slab of marble. Perhaps they could have two-tone uniforms: one shade of gray down to about their thighs, and then a slightly different shade of gray for the rest of it. (My first architectural joke, ladies and gentlemen!)
The mayor said he'd prefer "Grays." While I can appreciate the homage to the Negro League team (that often outdrew the first version of the Senators), could he possibly pick a more boring team name? OK, I suppose "Grays" would at least match the city's complete lack of personality.
As a service to the mayor, I present a compromise: "Gray Sox." That way, you have the homage to the Grays, but you also have a better sounding traditional baseball-type name that's not quite as boring.
Let's make some calls on this, people. Only you can prevent the team being named the "Serfs."
Ugh... what's worse? Watching creativity-impared Washingtonians trying to name the team, or the anticipation of having to deal with all the "famous for D.C." people snatching up the good seats so they can show themselves off at the ballpark next year? Here's a preview of Wonkette's "Wonk'd" feature in April 2005:
Naturally, Washington residents are trying to make the excitement and fun of getting a baseball team as excruciating as possible by bringing politics into the mix. You know what the game of baseball should have nothing to do with? Politics. And yet, here's Mark Plotkin in the Post last week, whining that, because D.C. residents have to senators to represent them, the team should not be named senators.
I understand and appreciate nostalgia. I know it can be powerful. But let's not confuse nostalgia with reality. The District doesn't have senators, so why perpetuate a lie? What better time to discard our accommodating way, our passive personality and insist -- no, demand -- that we name our team right?Oh, the DRAMA!
Yes, I'm sure naming the team something other than Senators will, after two centuries, finally let those filthy Congressmen know D.C. means business now, bitch. "Oh, you still won't let us have senators? Well... well... then we're not naming our baseball team after you!"
That's adorable.
(Seriously, you want representation? It's not going to happen via slogans on license plates and flags. You guys need some non-violent resistance up in here. Block off bridges with protestors; convince Metro train drivers to all call in sick one day. Congress can't run without the cooperation of D.C. residents, so be uncooperative. Gandhi-style, bitches!)
But I digress. The fun-loving Plotkin goes on to suggest some "better" team names:
My preference would be the Washington Subjects or the Washington Serfs or the Washington Disenfranchised. That won't happen, I know. Those names too accurately reflect our true status.Right, the only reason those names won't happen is because that's real life, and the man can't handle it! And not because, you know, baseball is not supposed to be about a futile political cause.
(Heh, "Washington Disenfranchised." I can hear the post-game show now. "D's lose to Mets, 7-4. Fans, don't forget next Tuesday is Felon Appreciation Night at the ballpark. First 5,000 felons through the gate receive a free Katherine Harris bobblehead doll.")
Meanwhile, the ridiculous name suggestions keeps pouring in, showcasing the complete lack of creativity and originality we Washingtonians tend to exhibit. "Diplomats," "Mudslingers," "Politicians?" Stupid, dumb, retarded. I would have thought "Senators" was the only name that made sense, but since two suchly teams jilted the city in the past, I can also understand the desire for a new name and a fresh start. For some reason "Washington Monuments" is popular; because we want our team to be likened to a large, phallic, gray slab of marble. Perhaps they could have two-tone uniforms: one shade of gray down to about their thighs, and then a slightly different shade of gray for the rest of it. (My first architectural joke, ladies and gentlemen!)
The mayor said he'd prefer "Grays." While I can appreciate the homage to the Negro League team (that often outdrew the first version of the Senators), could he possibly pick a more boring team name? OK, I suppose "Grays" would at least match the city's complete lack of personality.
As a service to the mayor, I present a compromise: "Gray Sox." That way, you have the homage to the Grays, but you also have a better sounding traditional baseball-type name that's not quite as boring.
Let's make some calls on this, people. Only you can prevent the team being named the "Serfs."
Ugh... what's worse? Watching creativity-impared Washingtonians trying to name the team, or the anticipation of having to deal with all the "famous for D.C." people snatching up the good seats so they can show themselves off at the ballpark next year? Here's a preview of Wonkette's "Wonk'd" feature in April 2005:
OMG i just saw goerge stephanopolus (sp?) at the game. he was in the sixth row on the thrid base side. oh, i also think i saw ashcroft serving hot dogs, LOL ;)I can't wait.
10.04.2004
My fellow Virginians: so very retarded
Thirty armed people showed up at the Falls Church city council meeting last week. It was our old friends, the Virginia Citizens Defense League of Douchebags, who this week were defending their right to scare everyone shitless, and threaten civil servants in a supposedly non-threatening way.
Meanwhile, in a, and I think you know where I'm going here, completely unrelated story (TM), this idiot sent his son to school with a backpack containing a loaded semiautomatic handgun.
Also completely unrelated: the target="_blank">near-Columbine that almost happened at Bull Run Middle School.
Meanwhile, in a, and I think you know where I'm going here, completely unrelated story (TM), this idiot sent his son to school with a backpack containing a loaded semiautomatic handgun.
Fouche, a contractor who has a permit to carry a concealed weapon, said in an interview that he took his son to soccer practice Wednesday evening, brought along the gun -- which he said he carries all the time for self-defense -- and put it in the backpack for safekeeping. He said he forgot to remove the gun from the pack before sending his son to school.Utterly. Fucking. Brilliant. Because you never know when those filthy communists are going to take over little Billy's soccer practice! For the love of fucking God, WHY ARE YOU TAKING A LOADED SEMI-AUTO TO YOUR KID'S SOCCER PRACTICE?!? And then, obviously, the kind of man who would pack heat at soccer practice is the same kind of genius who would forget to take it out of his kid's backpack before sending him to school.
Also completely unrelated: the target="_blank">near-Columbine that almost happened at Bull Run Middle School.
9.28.2004
Some stuff
1. Police brutality. A woman who was talking loudly on her cell phone outside at a Metro station, and possibly using profanity, ignored a Metro cop's request to quiet down. Naturally, this being Metro, the officer took the only reasonable action available to him and forced her to the ground and handcuffed her.
Bonus points: she's five months pregnant.
Metro's spokespeople, being customer-centric, of course, immediately and profusely apologized.
Seriously, why not do something about the drunk and/or crazy guys who ride the train, shouting in a random yet threatening manner at the other riders, thus scaring the crap out of them? I swear that's happened to me, like, five times. A woman talking loudly on her cell phone, outside of the train? For Metro, that's refreshingly benign.
2. No more Visions. The erstwhile cinema-slash-bistro-slash-lounge, which only did one of those three things well (lounge), is closing soon, or maybe has already closed. Tens of college students, who loved watching the vastly overrated Donnie Darko on a small screen at the end of a long, narrow theater with bad sound, are weeping into their Smirnoff Ices.
Close the book on Visions. It was a good place for people who need to feel cool, but not a good place to actually watch a movie. They did ocassionally get some super-obscure things, but overall, Bruce Springsteen's new E Street Theater is much better.
3. We're still on Orange Alert in D.C. Anybody know why? Ohhh, because the terror alert levels are bullshit? You don't say.
4. D.C. may get baseball, but at a huge cost. Make the team pay for it, like with the new ballpark in San Francisco. The team is who reaps all the financial benefit, anyway; the economic impact of baseball will in no way offset the property acquisition/building costs.
Then again, D.C., much like America itself, has to maintain its ghetto rich attitude. "I want lots of cool stuff, but I don't want to have to pay for it... right now."
5. Juvenile homicides way up in D.C. But, like the rest of suburban fantasyland, the less I think about it, the less upset I get. Problem solved!
Bonus points: she's five months pregnant.
Metro's spokespeople, being customer-centric, of course, immediately and profusely apologized.
"We need better enforcement to allow people to know we are serious and want to maintain the high-quality level of the system," said Robert J. Smith, chairman of the Metro board, adding that "ranting youth" have become a plague on the subway. "This isn't Montana. We live in a very dense region, and people are on top of each other all the time."So, of course, the cop treats her like he just found out she was the one mailing anthrax to people back in '01.
Smith, who refuses to carry a cell phone, said he thinks Metro riders need to use the devices with care. "We wouldn't allow someone to come into the U.S. Capitol Rotunda and shout obscenities into a cell phone," he said.
Seriously, why not do something about the drunk and/or crazy guys who ride the train, shouting in a random yet threatening manner at the other riders, thus scaring the crap out of them? I swear that's happened to me, like, five times. A woman talking loudly on her cell phone, outside of the train? For Metro, that's refreshingly benign.
2. No more Visions. The erstwhile cinema-slash-bistro-slash-lounge, which only did one of those three things well (lounge), is closing soon, or maybe has already closed. Tens of college students, who loved watching the vastly overrated Donnie Darko on a small screen at the end of a long, narrow theater with bad sound, are weeping into their Smirnoff Ices.
Close the book on Visions. It was a good place for people who need to feel cool, but not a good place to actually watch a movie. They did ocassionally get some super-obscure things, but overall, Bruce Springsteen's new E Street Theater is much better.
3. We're still on Orange Alert in D.C. Anybody know why? Ohhh, because the terror alert levels are bullshit? You don't say.
4. D.C. may get baseball, but at a huge cost. Make the team pay for it, like with the new ballpark in San Francisco. The team is who reaps all the financial benefit, anyway; the economic impact of baseball will in no way offset the property acquisition/building costs.
Then again, D.C., much like America itself, has to maintain its ghetto rich attitude. "I want lots of cool stuff, but I don't want to have to pay for it... right now."
5. Juvenile homicides way up in D.C. But, like the rest of suburban fantasyland, the less I think about it, the less upset I get. Problem solved!
9.15.2004
Of course!
Why not? Part 1.
Why not elect Marion Barry? Why not make D.C. look like a laughing stock again? The city had only just started to recover from his reign of terror as mayor. So yeah, let's just bring his ass back.
How long until he's caught smoking crack again? Over-under: 1 year from now. Place your bets.
Why not? Part 2.
Why not repeal the D.C. gun ban?
I mean, sure, it's not anything that anybody in the District wants. And also, the murder rate had just started to decline, thanks to better policing.
But hey, who knows what's better for D.C., after all? The residents of the city? Or a bunch of sheltered, self-important, white Republicans representing non-urban areas?
Good job, Republicans. You take up that white man's burden. Repeal that handgun ban that D.C. residents instituted. Remove the prohibition against semiautomatic weapons. Remove registration requirements for ammunition and other firearms. Cancel those criminal penalities for carrying unregistered guns. That will solve everything. YOU'RE SO MOTHERFUCKING SMART. WHAT A FUCKING GREAT IDEA. THANK YOU SO VERY, VERY GODDAMNED MUCH.
Also, while you're at it, I suggest going one step further and allowing guns to be carried into Congress. It's a crime against freedom that American citizens can't carry a handgun into the House of Representatives... to protect themselves, of course. I'm sure nothing bad could possibly come of that, either.
Why not elect Marion Barry? Why not make D.C. look like a laughing stock again? The city had only just started to recover from his reign of terror as mayor. So yeah, let's just bring his ass back.
How long until he's caught smoking crack again? Over-under: 1 year from now. Place your bets.
Why not? Part 2.
Why not repeal the D.C. gun ban?
I mean, sure, it's not anything that anybody in the District wants. And also, the murder rate had just started to decline, thanks to better policing.
But hey, who knows what's better for D.C., after all? The residents of the city? Or a bunch of sheltered, self-important, white Republicans representing non-urban areas?
Good job, Republicans. You take up that white man's burden. Repeal that handgun ban that D.C. residents instituted. Remove the prohibition against semiautomatic weapons. Remove registration requirements for ammunition and other firearms. Cancel those criminal penalities for carrying unregistered guns. That will solve everything. YOU'RE SO MOTHERFUCKING SMART. WHAT A FUCKING GREAT IDEA. THANK YOU SO VERY, VERY GODDAMNED MUCH.
Also, while you're at it, I suggest going one step further and allowing guns to be carried into Congress. It's a crime against freedom that American citizens can't carry a handgun into the House of Representatives... to protect themselves, of course. I'm sure nothing bad could possibly come of that, either.
9.07.2004
Kurtz Got Served
This is an utterly brilliant opinion piece by Rick Mercier of the Fredricksburg Free-Lance Star. It's about the Post, and its recent non-apology apology for totally fellating the President during its coverage of the run-up to Operation Iraqi Quagmire.
I'm not the type to trot out the "read the whole thing" cliche, but I do think that, if you're a reporter or editor, you should print out this article and tack it to your forehead. Text-side facing in.
A free press is supposed to question what a government is trying to spoonfeed it, not simply assume that leaders are credible and that their claims about the designated enemy are beyond scrutiny.Nailed it. Absolutely stuck the landing. The judges are loving it. That's exactly what Kurtz's opinion piece was: patronizing.
[...]
[Post media reporter Howard] Kurtz provides no help with these questions. He patronizes readers with platitudes about the basic tenets of journalism, but leaves them wondering how in the world the Post arrived at its conclusions about whom it could trust...
I'm not the type to trot out the "read the whole thing" cliche, but I do think that, if you're a reporter or editor, you should print out this article and tack it to your forehead. Text-side facing in.
We haven't quite mastered the light bulb yet
D.C. is the least well-lit of all the big cities I've visited. For whatever reason, there just isn't a whole lot of emphasis on street lighting; even in densely populated and re-gentrified residential areas, where you might expect a lot of auto and foot traffic, the streets stay surprisingly dark.
Of course, in a city plagued by muggings and other street crimes, this only serves to make things that much more creepifying. But the darkness problem seems to have at least been acknowledged. After the high-profile murder of a popular waiter walking home late near Dupont Circle, the National Guard brought bright floodlights into the neighborhood to light it up at all hours. Now, James' new favorite website DCist reports some community activists are trying to get D.C. to be more dilligent in fixing broken street lights, because... and I hope you're sitting down, because this news will rock your world... the city's DOT is not especially responsive when it comes to fixing broken lights.
Clearly, more light at night in dangerous neighborhoods would be a good thing, just as a common-sense safety issue. But this is D.C., where common sense is kidnapped and hunted down for sport on a desolate island with only rocks and a crude slingshot to defend itself. Naturally, we have residents complaining that roads like M Street in Georgetown are too bright.
I'm guessing we don't want to be reminded we live in a real city? Just a guess. Imagine a Manhattanite complaining that 5th Avenue is too bright. They would be openly mocked and told to move to Connecticut. And yet, here we have people arguring that, while brighter streets might save a few lives, the brightness keeps Muffy the poodle awake at night, and we can't have that, because she'll be all cranky in the morning when we take her to the doggy daycare on 18th.
Meanwhile, it's not just D.C. that could use more light. Even my neighborhood gets surprisingly dark at night. Not that my neck of Arlington is dangerous... the only unusual characters in my 'hood appear to be of the non-threatening variety (big shout out to Perpetually Drunk Lady, Confused Shirtless 7-Eleven Guy, and Transvestite Cheerleader Guy). But once you veer away from Lee Highway and into purely residential territory, the few street lights there are low, dim, and far apart.
I'd rather live somewhere that's walkable at night, and where you're encouraged to enjoy what a city has to offer at all hours. But then, if I always got what I wanted, I'd be too busy catching the winning space-touchdown in the Galactic Super Bowl to write this.
Of course, in a city plagued by muggings and other street crimes, this only serves to make things that much more creepifying. But the darkness problem seems to have at least been acknowledged. After the high-profile murder of a popular waiter walking home late near Dupont Circle, the National Guard brought bright floodlights into the neighborhood to light it up at all hours. Now, James' new favorite website DCist reports some community activists are trying to get D.C. to be more dilligent in fixing broken street lights, because... and I hope you're sitting down, because this news will rock your world... the city's DOT is not especially responsive when it comes to fixing broken lights.
Clearly, more light at night in dangerous neighborhoods would be a good thing, just as a common-sense safety issue. But this is D.C., where common sense is kidnapped and hunted down for sport on a desolate island with only rocks and a crude slingshot to defend itself. Naturally, we have residents complaining that roads like M Street in Georgetown are too bright.
I'm guessing we don't want to be reminded we live in a real city? Just a guess. Imagine a Manhattanite complaining that 5th Avenue is too bright. They would be openly mocked and told to move to Connecticut. And yet, here we have people arguring that, while brighter streets might save a few lives, the brightness keeps Muffy the poodle awake at night, and we can't have that, because she'll be all cranky in the morning when we take her to the doggy daycare on 18th.
Meanwhile, it's not just D.C. that could use more light. Even my neighborhood gets surprisingly dark at night. Not that my neck of Arlington is dangerous... the only unusual characters in my 'hood appear to be of the non-threatening variety (big shout out to Perpetually Drunk Lady, Confused Shirtless 7-Eleven Guy, and Transvestite Cheerleader Guy). But once you veer away from Lee Highway and into purely residential territory, the few street lights there are low, dim, and far apart.
I'd rather live somewhere that's walkable at night, and where you're encouraged to enjoy what a city has to offer at all hours. But then, if I always got what I wanted, I'd be too busy catching the winning space-touchdown in the Galactic Super Bowl to write this.
9.06.2004
Please don't pimp my ride
The headline for this article is "Band of Would-Be Pimps Abducted Women." The kidnappers tried to kidnap prostitutes as a way of horning in on the city's sexual service industry, but, sadly, kidnapped innocent non-hookers at gunpoint from off the street.
Could this happen anywhere else, I ask you, than your nation's capital?
Am I right?
UPDATE! Oh man, I just thought of the best idea for a movie, involving these guys accidentally kidnapping the Bush twins. I see the Olsen twins as the Bush twins, and Chris Rock in a dual role as the pimps. And also, Anthony Hopkins as the mysterious pimp kingpin. Kingpimp...? Wait, now I think this movie's been done before.
Could this happen anywhere else, I ask you, than your nation's capital?
Gonzalez was driven around the District for some time. Eventually, she was forced into the basement of a house in Northwest, where she said Watson screamed, "Who's your pimp, who's your pimp?"Makes you proud to be an American, right?
Gonzalez said she pleaded with Watson, telling him that she didn't have a pimp and that she was just visiting her cousin.
Am I right?
UPDATE! Oh man, I just thought of the best idea for a movie, involving these guys accidentally kidnapping the Bush twins. I see the Olsen twins as the Bush twins, and Chris Rock in a dual role as the pimps. And also, Anthony Hopkins as the mysterious pimp kingpin. Kingpimp...? Wait, now I think this movie's been done before.
Rated PG for MURDER
Good: D.C. homicides are way down this year.
Bad: They seem to have migrated east to Prince George's County.
Bad: They seem to have migrated east to Prince George's County.
Oh no, cave in at the old mine!
Have you ever driven up Georgetown Pike in Langley, Va.? Go north on George Washington Parkway, then south on VA-123, then right on Georgetown Pike.
I highly recommend it, because, seriously... it's like Republican Fantasy Land.
As you drive along 123, it looks more or less like the rest of GW Parkway land; lots of trees, not many buildings. The completely unironically named George Bush Center for Intelligence, where they're so good at digging up slam dunks on Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, is down the road. There are occasional side streets into neighborhoods belonging to the likes of progressive everyman Pat Buchanan.
All that's standard-level suburban creepiness for Washington. But the supreme über-creëpiness doesn't kick in until you turn down Georgetown Pike. This is where suburban living is taken to a Stepfordian extreme. In fact, they've somehow managed to cross the line from suburban to exurban. I was driving through rural Pennsylvania a few weeks back, and this was almost exactly like that; a narrow two-lane road, with some up-and-down hillyness. The road is completely covered with trees, so that you can't see any evidence of city living (that includes "dc style") in any direction. There's a general store-slash-gas station with just a couple of pumps. And not "store" in the usual metropolitan mini-mart sense; it's literally a little shack, like you would see driving around in the middle of nowhere. After a while you come upon a big-ass high school, just like they might have in a one-school rural county. The mascot of said high school is, once again completely unironically, the Saxons.
And so, the sheltered suburbanites managed to insulate their community from any signs of urban life. There are no restaurants, supermarkets, theaters, bowling alleys, bars, etc. Nothing fun or vibrant; there are no signs of life, and indeed, no sidewalks. A visitor might, for a second, think he had blacked out and driven all the way to West Virginia, if not for two crucial differences.
1. This isn't the middle of nowhere. It's inside the freaking Beltway.
2. I could afford to live in a rural/exurban community. I will never, ever be able to afford to live on Georgetown Pike in Langley. In fact, if I cloned myself four times, the four of us would still be unable to afford to live there as roommates. (There's an idea for the next Real World.
So, then... what's the point? Why re-create Little House on the Prairie in the middle of a gigantic metropolitan area?
Well, Washington's a disturbing place to live. There is a lot of urban blight. There are real problems throughout the area that these people would rather not be confronted with... crime, extreme poverty, homelessness, neighborhoods that appear to have been hit by a nuclear bomb, etc. And, if you're a Republican, your Fantasy Land does not include such elements. (For these problems would cost money to address, and if something costs money, but doesn't involve, say, bombing Muslims at random, well, it's just not worth doing.)
But conscience is a funny thing. Overpriced city living is great, but driving the SUV around Logan Circle and having to look at all those homeless drug addicts just won't do... it tends to make one uncomfortable. Suburban living, is, I guess, too common and crowded for these people. Thus, Georgetown Pike provides the illusion of rural living, but is priced well out of the league of most people, while still being less than 15 miles away from all the blight and other wonders of D.C.
Everybody wins! Nobody has to be confronted with the realities of failed economic so-and-so whatever. The residents can sleep soundly at night, having convinced themselves of the illusion that they live like the Waltons.
So, yeah, I recommend sightseeing in this neighborhood, if you want to transport yourself to a different place and time. Say hi to Michael Landon for me.
Just one more thing: you'll have to drive. Metro doesn't travel anywhere along Georgetown Pike. (Wouldn't want to give those minorities and drug addicts a free pass into Fantasy Land!)
I hate this damn city.
I highly recommend it, because, seriously... it's like Republican Fantasy Land.
As you drive along 123, it looks more or less like the rest of GW Parkway land; lots of trees, not many buildings. The completely unironically named George Bush Center for Intelligence, where they're so good at digging up slam dunks on Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, is down the road. There are occasional side streets into neighborhoods belonging to the likes of progressive everyman Pat Buchanan.
All that's standard-level suburban creepiness for Washington. But the supreme über-creëpiness doesn't kick in until you turn down Georgetown Pike. This is where suburban living is taken to a Stepfordian extreme. In fact, they've somehow managed to cross the line from suburban to exurban. I was driving through rural Pennsylvania a few weeks back, and this was almost exactly like that; a narrow two-lane road, with some up-and-down hillyness. The road is completely covered with trees, so that you can't see any evidence of city living (that includes "dc style") in any direction. There's a general store-slash-gas station with just a couple of pumps. And not "store" in the usual metropolitan mini-mart sense; it's literally a little shack, like you would see driving around in the middle of nowhere. After a while you come upon a big-ass high school, just like they might have in a one-school rural county. The mascot of said high school is, once again completely unironically, the Saxons.
And so, the sheltered suburbanites managed to insulate their community from any signs of urban life. There are no restaurants, supermarkets, theaters, bowling alleys, bars, etc. Nothing fun or vibrant; there are no signs of life, and indeed, no sidewalks. A visitor might, for a second, think he had blacked out and driven all the way to West Virginia, if not for two crucial differences.
1. This isn't the middle of nowhere. It's inside the freaking Beltway.
2. I could afford to live in a rural/exurban community. I will never, ever be able to afford to live on Georgetown Pike in Langley. In fact, if I cloned myself four times, the four of us would still be unable to afford to live there as roommates. (There's an idea for the next Real World.
So, then... what's the point? Why re-create Little House on the Prairie in the middle of a gigantic metropolitan area?
Well, Washington's a disturbing place to live. There is a lot of urban blight. There are real problems throughout the area that these people would rather not be confronted with... crime, extreme poverty, homelessness, neighborhoods that appear to have been hit by a nuclear bomb, etc. And, if you're a Republican, your Fantasy Land does not include such elements. (For these problems would cost money to address, and if something costs money, but doesn't involve, say, bombing Muslims at random, well, it's just not worth doing.)
But conscience is a funny thing. Overpriced city living is great, but driving the SUV around Logan Circle and having to look at all those homeless drug addicts just won't do... it tends to make one uncomfortable. Suburban living, is, I guess, too common and crowded for these people. Thus, Georgetown Pike provides the illusion of rural living, but is priced well out of the league of most people, while still being less than 15 miles away from all the blight and other wonders of D.C.
Everybody wins! Nobody has to be confronted with the realities of failed economic so-and-so whatever. The residents can sleep soundly at night, having convinced themselves of the illusion that they live like the Waltons.
So, yeah, I recommend sightseeing in this neighborhood, if you want to transport yourself to a different place and time. Say hi to Michael Landon for me.
Just one more thing: you'll have to drive. Metro doesn't travel anywhere along Georgetown Pike. (Wouldn't want to give those minorities and drug addicts a free pass into Fantasy Land!)
I hate this damn city.
I'm nobody
I could barely bring myself to go into work last week.
My company has largely moved to a new floor it purchased in our building, but I stayed behind in the old digs, which are now empty and largely desolate. It was a strange environment even before the mass migration. I'll walk past people in the hallways, and they won't even look at me. I wasn't introduced to anyone when I started there; just plopped in a conference room as a makeshift office. I have supervisors who only talk to me, via e-mail, when I do something wrong.
Then, in the employee evaluations, I was, strangely, dinged for not keeping my supervisors apprised of my progress (as were my two co-workers on the same project). This was the excuse given for my less-than-average raise. But since then, when I try to tell my supervisors what's going on, they're largely unresponsive. On one part of the project, I asked three times for a meeting to make sure I was meeting the project requirements, and was blown off each time. When I run into a roadblock, it's like pulling teeth trying to get them to help.
Every morning I wake up later and later because I hate my job. But mostly I hate myself for settling for this crap. It's easy to get complacent when they don't pay attention to when you come and go, and just collect a paycheck. But when you get treated like a nobody for long enough, you start to believe that you are a nobody.
That's why it gets hard for me, at times, to even bring up this web page, which I haven't done all week. I sometimes can't bear to look at my own stupid ramblings, peppered as they are with pop-culture references and profanity. Not because I'm embarrassed, necessarily, but because... they don't mean anything. They don't serve any useful purpose, because I'm a nobody. I have no power and no influence. I have no money. I can't change anything about Washington, so I'm just waiting for the day when I can leave.
I'm not exactly making the world a better place through my existence. Congress isn't going to read any of this and say, "Oh yeah, we should do something about that." All I can do is sit behind my computer screen and make fun of all the bullshit, and hope that it helps a few like-minded Washingtonians feel better.
So... hope this helps.
My company has largely moved to a new floor it purchased in our building, but I stayed behind in the old digs, which are now empty and largely desolate. It was a strange environment even before the mass migration. I'll walk past people in the hallways, and they won't even look at me. I wasn't introduced to anyone when I started there; just plopped in a conference room as a makeshift office. I have supervisors who only talk to me, via e-mail, when I do something wrong.
Then, in the employee evaluations, I was, strangely, dinged for not keeping my supervisors apprised of my progress (as were my two co-workers on the same project). This was the excuse given for my less-than-average raise. But since then, when I try to tell my supervisors what's going on, they're largely unresponsive. On one part of the project, I asked three times for a meeting to make sure I was meeting the project requirements, and was blown off each time. When I run into a roadblock, it's like pulling teeth trying to get them to help.
Every morning I wake up later and later because I hate my job. But mostly I hate myself for settling for this crap. It's easy to get complacent when they don't pay attention to when you come and go, and just collect a paycheck. But when you get treated like a nobody for long enough, you start to believe that you are a nobody.
That's why it gets hard for me, at times, to even bring up this web page, which I haven't done all week. I sometimes can't bear to look at my own stupid ramblings, peppered as they are with pop-culture references and profanity. Not because I'm embarrassed, necessarily, but because... they don't mean anything. They don't serve any useful purpose, because I'm a nobody. I have no power and no influence. I have no money. I can't change anything about Washington, so I'm just waiting for the day when I can leave.
I'm not exactly making the world a better place through my existence. Congress isn't going to read any of this and say, "Oh yeah, we should do something about that." All I can do is sit behind my computer screen and make fun of all the bullshit, and hope that it helps a few like-minded Washingtonians feel better.
So... hope this helps.
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