Home Prices Outpace Area Wages

Yeah, no shit. Translation: I'm never getting a house.

Three things I would like out of my city

1) I like to be able to explore without fearing for my life.

A violent mugging and other recent crimes in and around an abandoned park in Columbia Heights have re-energized longstanding complaints by neighbors for police to take swift action. In the most recent instance, a man was mugged for just 41 cents on the way to buy a newspaper from the BP gas station yards away from his home.

The murder rate has gone down thanks to better police work, but D.C. is still the second most dangerous city in the country.

2) More local flavor and personality; fewer chains. I'm all for the development in Chinatown, near MCI Center, which is becoming one of my favorite hangouts. The new movie theaters look nice (although they presumably feature the fucking 2WENTY, which I have sworn to destroy). But the retail outfits they're putting in predictablly comprise a chain-store yuppie fantasyland: Ann Taylor, Aveda, Benetton, Urban Outfitters, Clyde’s, Sport and Health Clubs. I think there will also be three or four Starbucks. Per capita.

And they're putting in (really expensive) condos above that... at least somebody's using vertical space intelligently for a change. I can't afford to live there, but I think I could simulate it if I pitched a tent in the Tysons Corner parking garage and fed on a steady diet of $50 bills.

(Seriously, did the world need another Clyde's? And that's going to be right across from Legal Sea Foods. How is it that the most mediocre restaurants here thrive and multiply the most? Anyway.)

3. A city where everything doesn't fucking close down at 6 p.m. I was heading to a concert at DAR Constitution Hall a couple months ago; the show started at 8, and I figured I could just grab a quick bite in the neighborhood beforehand.

Ahhh, but that's where I was apparently the chump. As soon as all the workers leave the business district for the day, everything closes. I was walking all around the area from Farragut West station to DAR and couldn't find a damn thing open. Oh, there was a McDonald's with a line of about 20 angry-looking people waiting... decided to pass on that one. And, I hoped to sneak into Potbelly and get a sandwich before they closed. No such luck. Then I walked past an endless stream of cafes that roll up the red carpet at 6.

Eventually, I found a cheap-ass pizza-by-the-slice place, and ordered a mediocre slice of half-day-old pizza. There were two other people in the restaurant, which thankfully didn't close until 8, I think. But wow, I hate going downtown and walking around in the dark, or on the weekend, and finding out that everything's closed... I feel like I'm alone in a ghost town. It's the middle of a major metropolitan area, and yet there's no vitality and no community once work ends for the day. Bleh.

Merry Christmas! You're fired.

After AOL loses 2 million subsribers, 750 will lose their jobs.

Speaking of AOL, I noticed Ted Leonisis in the front row at the Wizards game the other day. Apparently "low fat diet" was not on his list of 101 things to do before dies.

OMG

The chances that anybody reading this was among the 13,000 at the BB&T Classic yesterday are small. But, in the second half of the GW-Maryland game, during the first TV time out, if you saw a dorky looking guy in a goofy Colonials hat sinking some baskets, including an NBA 3-pointer, to win free JetBlue tickets... that was totally me.

I'm not kidding. I can't believe it either. And I'd like to think I provided a spark to GW, who went on to beat Maryland by nine. Ahhh.

Now I'm just in way too good a mood to post cranky things. Sorry! Try again later.

Double plus ungood

Former CIA head George Tenet outlines his philosophy about Internet security. It's a slam dunk! (Oops, he's still sensitive about that...)

Mr. Tenet pointed out that the modernization of key industries in the United States is making them more vulnerable by connecting them with an Internet that is open to attack.

The way the Internet was built might be part of the problem, he said. Its open architecture allows Web surfing, but that openness makes the system vulnerable, Mr. Tenet said.

Access to networks like the World Wide Web might need to be limited to those who can show they take security seriously, he said.

Mr. Tenet, I hereby apologize on behalf of myself and the Internet for using satire to confuse the good people of America. Also, sorry about all the porn.

[Internet Over]

Sports Guy

REDSKINS (-2) over Giants
Washington scored 23 points total in the last three weeks. The Giants scored 30 points total in the last three weeks. This is the kind of game where Fox should try a crazy experiment -- like the Hilton Sisters working as sideline reporters, or the cast of "House" announcing the third quarter. "You're risking a quarterback's life!"

Public transportation is for plebes!

The Post reports today that the majority of Metro board members rarely, if ever, use Metro. Wow, you don't say. We all just died from shock.

I think that, most people, if given a important policy-making position on a major city's public transportation board, would probably make a point of using the system to see how well it gets them around town. Or, at least, take it upon themselves to do a little field research, and ride a train or a bus once in a while to get a feel for things like timeliness of service, how customers are treated, etc. etc.

Ahhh, but... this is Washington. Where "public service" and "civic responsibility" are eschewed, in favor of the philosophy, "How much money can I make without actually doing any real work?" Thus, the Metro board members don't actually ride Metro. Because that would be, you know, so inconvenient.

[D.C. Metro board representative Gladys] Mack said her schedule is too busy to rely on public transportation. "My travel, my destinations and my time frames make it very difficult for me to use the system," said Mack, who lives near the Friendship Heights Metro station and works near Howard University [which also has its own station! -JF]. "I would have to take two trains and two buses. . . . It just makes it very inconvenient for me to depend on the system on a regular basis."

OH, YOU DON'T FUCKING SAY! It's too inconvenient and time-consuming to use Metro for your daily commute. Gee, Gladys, if only someone in a position to do something about that would step up and... oh, wait a minute... you're in a position to do something about that, bitch!

Un-fucking-real. Gladys also refused to share her SmarTrip card data with the Post, because:

"I am just very sensitive with what happens with private information that is collected electronically. It's just kind of a fetish I have. I am just really concerned about my information being shared."

Eww. Well, only in Washington would someone get turned on by freedom of information privacy issues, I guess. (And, furthermore, her SmarTrip card is comped by Metro, and is thus paid for by the public... don't we have a right to see how she's using it?)

Here are some more fun quotes that make me want to kill:

Several board members said their transit use has nothing to do with their job performance. "We're a policy board. I'm not called upon to know whether or not something is working at the Gallery Place Station," said D.C. Council member Jim Graham, who represents the city on the Metro board and drives most places. "I'm appropriately involved with the problems of the system."

That's not really the point, fuckhead! You can't adequately set the policy for Metro if you don't even know what its like to fucking use the system. If Metro is something good for the community that we should all use, why are you driving your car all around town? Doesn't that signal to you a fundamental problem that needs addressing? Or are you just completely fucking retarded?!

Metro Chief Executive Richard A. White recently resumed riding the subway each day after four years of driving to work from Fairfax County in a Metro-issued sport-utility vehicle. He has said that daily riding has opened his eyes to problems and weaknesses that need attention.

Read that again. The CEO of Metro has been driving an SUV to work for the past FOUR FUCKING YEARS. WOW. At least now he's riding every day, and surprise surprise, he says it's beneficial to help him see problems and weaknesses.

I will give props to one of the 12 board members, Charles Deegan, who actually has his head screwed on correctly. He's the newest member, which apparently means he just hasn't been corrupted yet:

"I really enjoy riding the train and the buses, and that's how I learn," said Deegan, who lives in Beltsville and has spent free time exploring the subway lines and buses since joining the Metro board. "The big thing is to experience what the public experiences. That's the way to have any credibility as a board member, I believe."

Oh my God... that all makes sense! When the other board members see that he's actually taking pride in serving the community... oh dear Lord, they'll kill him! Run away, little Charles Deegan! RUNNNNN!

Deegan said the public has a right to know whether he uses the system, especially since the public pays for his SmarTrip card. "It's just the right thing to do," he said.

RUN, CHARLES! RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!

MCI on the bay

How funny is it that the Golden State Wizards managed to squeak through November with a winning record (7-5)... and that's the first time they've had a winning record in November in the last 20 years? What an incredible stat.

At least this year's version can actually shoot. They're scoring 102 points per game, which is a much bigger miracle than that grilled cheese sandwich that looks like the Virgin Mary. Now that perpetual whiner Stackhouse is gone, and they've got a decent group of starters, they might actually be fun to watch.

But how does the team not go bankrupt, charging Michael Jordan-era prices to see the Warriors' castoffs? In the past two weeks, I've found eBay auctions for tickets that allowed me to buy them at rates of $25 for $80+ seats, and $6.50 plus shipping for $48 seats. Granted, I'm not going to the biggest games (Dallas on a Sunday afternoon, and New Jersey tonight), but still... that's a little more like it. I think we know that Washingtoniers will go to see any basketball, at all, if the price is right (judging from those Mystics "attendance champs" banners... heh, they must be so proud).

Adios, motherfucking Reston

Everything's come full circle. You may recall I was laid off from my job last February; today, I'm back at that job, which inexplicably opened back up. I'm back, thankfully, at the McLean/Tysons office (not far from Wasp Lane!).

In fact, strangely, nothing has changed. I'm in the same office I was before. My name was still on the door. The phone number's the same. My message and password were still on the voicemail system. I'm back on the exact same task I was before. And, as before, there's no actual work to be done. I'm guess I'm back to being a full-time blogger... heh.

All year, of course, I'd been working at my company's headquarters in Reston. Dear fucking Lord it was awful. Just such a bizarre environment; people were really grouchy for no reason. Nobody actually talked to each other unless they had a problem. The day I arrived, I wasn't introduced to anyone; the day I left, nobody said goodbye.

It did get better after those first few months. I had this awful, grouchy old cripple of a boss; he eventually left. My "office" was a conference room shared with two other people; we eventually got a real offi... er, well, cubicle space. But at least it had a window, and all my bosses were downstairs, which meant I didn't have to see them too often.

But the best part about leaving is that I'm no longer working for the military; I'm back to working on general aviation stuff. My powers will no longer be used for evil! In celebration, I'm performing a little requiem for MFing Reston. I hope I never have to set foot in that vanilla bean "neighborhood" again. I'm throwing my SmartTag in the trash. (And then digging it out again when I realize it can get me through the tolls up to Atlantic City.)

Most memorable Reston moment? I think it's going to have to be when my boss said he used to live on Elden Street in Herndon, and that it was a "rough neighborhood." His actual quote:

"We should hire those temporary [Hispanic] workers who hang around the 7-11 on Elden St. in Herndon." No longer joking: "I used to live around there; it's a really bad neighborhood."

Ugghh. This guy was really a piece of work. His hairstyle calls to mind what the mascot for a brillo pad company might look like. He was a self-described "control freak", and that was putting it mildly; he drove me and my co-workers nuts with all kinds of over-the-top rules and meetings. In his office, he has a whiteboard and 10 different colored markers; there was a piece of paper with this name and phone number attached to every single dry-erase marker. (Where are they going to go? The dry-erase black market?) His favorite quote was, "Well, this is how we did it at [name of failed telecom currently embroiled in accounting scandal]," which apparently means that's the right way to do it in every possible working evironment, since it clearly helped them out a lot.

Bottom line: I never have to see or talk to this man again. AND THAT MEANS IT'S FUCKING PARTY TIME. Adios, fuckjob!

The Portrait of Dorian Farbstein

The Metro rail system appears to have aged 100 years just in the last month. Add cracked rails on the Red Line to the list of recent problems: one derailment, one ceiling collapse, one fire, one flooding, one runaway train/head-on collision.

Thanks again to all state governments involved, and the federal government, for refusing to pony up for Metro. You've successfully turned our major subway system into a giant clusterfuck. BRAV-FUCKING-O. Oh, I'll bet it's time to raise fares again to make up for it! Yayyy!

Where's your God now?

Number of season after Joe Gibbs' return to coaching before someone suggested he be fired:

0.63

You know I loved this article

Mass consumption of high fashion by teenagers! It's like the textbook example of ghetto rich! If... there was a textbook... um... that dealt with being ghetto rich. Actually, judging from some of these kids, maybe there should be:

His first luxury purchase was a pair of shiny black Gucci pants that he bought freshman year for $450 -- all the money he had received for his 14th birthday.

"I'm trying to do it big," he explained.

[...]

"People are always telling me that I walk through the hallways like it's a fashion show," Brandon said. "I tell them: 'Boo, it's my fashion show. It's my runway.' "

What a fine, fine, gay young man he's growing up to be. Seriously, could somebody please sit Brandon down and explain to him that pants shouldn't cost $450? Especially if you're going to outgrown them?

Gloria Baume, fashion market director for Teen Vogue, said girls often tell her, "I am going to put all my baby-sitting money away until I can afford the Louis Vuitton pouch."

Pouch? Umm, she'll be the most fashionable kangaroo girl in school? I guess?

Wow, these kids are spending their entire allowance for the year on Prada, because they just have to impress their peers. It's the same pointless status competition I see... well, among Washingtonians my age who should know better.

Oh, and in a totally unrelated story, this clinical psychologist is finding that the "earn-and-spend" mentality ingrained into her patients is making them feel unhappy and spiritually empty. Funny that this article was publised yesterday, before the one about the kids wearing Prada.

So here we are: a generation of fashionistas and Samurai shoppers with full closets and empty hearts.

Now that's the Washington I know and love... we're all Scrooge and no Cratchit.

One thing I don't hate

OK, I survived Thanksgiving. And if I have to give thanks for one thing in D.C... I'd go with the National Transportation Safety Board.

I think that's the one government agency I actually respect. Whenever there's a big transportation accident, like a plane crash, they're on top of it. They go over every single detail; all the evidence is analyzed, everybody involved is interviewed. And, at the end of their investigation, they spell out exactly what went wrong, and specify exactly what needs to be done to prevent something similar from happening again. The NTSBers the reason I feel safe when I fly; they actually do their job really, really well.

And unlike some agencies, they aren't completely beholden to corporate or industrial interests (I'm looking at you, FDA, EPA), and they haven't collapsed under the weight of their own beauracracy (at least, not enough to limit their usefulness).

So, thanks guys.

Wait, what?

I was mentioned in Washingtonian?

Isn't that, like, the magazine for snobby people trying to convince themselves they're actually important socialites from New York? Isn't there a minimum wage requirement for reading it? I don't think the postal service is even legally allowed to deliver it to my shitty apartment.

At any rate, I'm sure I'll be drifting back to why.i.hate.dc now that football is over, and also because I'm moving back to my old job, where there's apparently still no actual work for me to do. I'll be back to being a full-time blogger.

But's it's going to be hard, because I find lately that I'm happier the more ignorant I am.

In fact, I've decided that ignorance really is the driving force behind Washington. If you shield yourself enough from what really goes on in this city, you might be able to somehow tolerate it without going mad. Metro rail falling apart? Bridges about to collapse? Don't worry about that; it will fix itself. Without more money!

Crime and poverty? Not a problem in my state/county/neighborhood, thus not my problem.

Huge deficits in D.C.? Let's lay off hundreds of public school teachers and build a $600 million baseball stadium!

The problem is, if I actually keep up with local events, as I have in the past, it really starts to weigh on me. I don't even have any control or power over anything, but still this stuff just infuriates and depresses me. The less I pay attention, the less depressed and infuriated I am. This must be Congress' philosophy as well, judging from their D.C. track record.

Meanwhile, I've lamented in the past about D.C. trying to make the rest of the country like itself. And it appears to have happened. Here's what the federal debt looks like:

11/19/2004        $7,497,665,301,236.87

09/30/2004        $7,379,052,696,330.32

09/30/2003        $6,783,231,062,743.62

09/30/2002        $6,228,235,965,597.16

09/28/2001        $5,807,463,412,200.06

Now the whole country is ghetto rich, just like D.C. Why does this not bother anyone? What are we going to do, consolidate all our debts into one convenient low monthly payment? It don't work that way, people!

"But the economy is doing so well!" Yeah, if you pour $1.6 trillion of borrowed money into our economy, all of a sudden it looks like it's doing really well. It's like magic! And clearly, since that worked so well, instead of paying it back, what we need to do is increase the fucking debt ceiling. BRILLIANT. FUCKING. IDEA. It's tantamount to maxing out our credit card, and now, instead of reconsidering buying that $900 massage chair from Brookstone, we're calling the bank to ask them to raise our limit. I now refuse to have kids, just so that they don't have to be around when the economy collapses under all that debt.

But back to Washington. I know there are a lot of otherwise smart people here. People who finished near the tops of their classes at Yale and whatnot. And, after moving here, they use that clout to get into junior positions of power and influence; be it in politics, law, journalism etc. Then, once they've done that, they start to use their powers not to help others, but to lobby for themselves. They find very intelligent-sounding ways to absolve themselves of social responsibility. Translation: "I'm looking out for #1, bitches! You're not getting any fucking lunch money from me! Fuck all a y'all A-rabs."

So, when I think about who a "Washingtonian" is, this is who I picture:

A smart 31-year-old who just missed out on being a Rhodes scholar. Working for a Congressman, perhaps lately trying to backpedal for inserting Orwellian passages into the latest budget bill. (Yes, I'm talking about my old friends Istook and Micha.) Sitting in a party, wearing a sweater vest and sipping on a Smirnoff Ice. Laughing at how diners at the Cheesecake Factory are eating "mangy waste." Dreaming of the day they can make $300,000 a year lobbying for the pesticide industry or something.

But enough about Washingtonians. I'm going to try to think about them as little as possible, because they're just going to bring me down. Instead, I'm going to get the fuck outta town and enjoy Thanksgiving. The hard-core hating can wait until I get back. As a wise man once said, "All these pussy niggas putting money on my head? Go on get your refund, motherfucker. I ain't dead."

The best of both worlds

Oh man... a couple of priceless articles in the Post yesterday.

Did you see the profile of my man Lee Van Cleef? I mean, Philip Van Cleave?

Something of a night owl, Van Cleave likes to take walks around the lake in his subdivision around midnight. When he does, he "double carries" in case an assailant knocks one weapon out of his hand. It's not about fear, he said. "Who would do that if they were afraid? The word is preparedness."

I nearly had a heart attack from laughing so much. He double carries in his subdivision. In case someone knocks the first gun out of his hand And I'm sure his subdivision is a war zone at midnight. Where does he live, A-Team Piney Forest Lakes?

The man has never even fired a gun outside a firing range, and has never been the victim of any crime worse than car stereo theft. And yet, he insists on getting open carrying of firearms legal everywhere in densely populated Northern Virginia, including airports and legistative chambers. Even the NRA thinks he should dial it down a few notches. Does that not tell you everything you need to know about the man?

Or, put another way...

DEAR FUCKING LORD. I can't believe this INSANE PARANOID FUCK-JOB is deciding this state's gun policies. Thank you, Philip Van Cleave, for putting the fear of God into me. Now please don't come shooting up my apartment.

Also putting the fear of God into me: the crowd at Big Ben Liquor in Northeast D.C.

"Why would you go over there and get a pack of potato chips when I said mints? He got a [expletive] bag of potato chips when I said mints. Why would he try to give me a pack of potato chips when I said mints?"

[...]

"Give me two packs of Dittos," another woman says. "No, I didn't say pickles, damn it."

Wow, these people get really cranky when they don't get their pickles. I mean Dittos! [BLAM BLAM] ARRRRGHH!

Singh bought the business -- not the building -- for $300,000 plus inventory from a man who was shot in a bloody robbery that left him paralyzed.

[...]

"Hey, mister," a drunk man says, trying to maintain what is left of his dignity. "Please let me go to the bathroom. I'm about to piss on myself."

A woman in a red coat who wants a $75 money order looks at the man, who races out of the store. "He done already peed," she says, like a narrator.

Who says comedy and horror don't mix?

They also talk to a man named RasD who captures the mood of the city perfectly.

He walks south on North Capitol. The Capitol's dome rises in the distance, looming like a mighty mecca, so far away from this corner and so close. RasD motions to the cars that whiz by. "The traffic flows through without any connection to the spaces and places," he says. "They just pass by. They would rather not see the obvious, the displaced, the homeless, the confused, the hungry. . . . There are brilliant minds at that vortex: incredible mothers, fathers. The homeless are no longer scorned and they are not faceless at that vortex. They are only a blur and an eyesore to those passing through."

Yep. Brilliant people; powerful people; they have the power to change the blight they see around them, but choose not to. They choose to ignore it. D.C. is what happens when good people do nothing.