Where's your God now?

Number of season after Joe Gibbs' return to coaching before someone suggested he be fired:

0.63

You know I loved this article

Mass consumption of high fashion by teenagers! It's like the textbook example of ghetto rich! If... there was a textbook... um... that dealt with being ghetto rich. Actually, judging from some of these kids, maybe there should be:

His first luxury purchase was a pair of shiny black Gucci pants that he bought freshman year for $450 -- all the money he had received for his 14th birthday.

"I'm trying to do it big," he explained.

[...]

"People are always telling me that I walk through the hallways like it's a fashion show," Brandon said. "I tell them: 'Boo, it's my fashion show. It's my runway.' "

What a fine, fine, gay young man he's growing up to be. Seriously, could somebody please sit Brandon down and explain to him that pants shouldn't cost $450? Especially if you're going to outgrown them?

Gloria Baume, fashion market director for Teen Vogue, said girls often tell her, "I am going to put all my baby-sitting money away until I can afford the Louis Vuitton pouch."

Pouch? Umm, she'll be the most fashionable kangaroo girl in school? I guess?

Wow, these kids are spending their entire allowance for the year on Prada, because they just have to impress their peers. It's the same pointless status competition I see... well, among Washingtonians my age who should know better.

Oh, and in a totally unrelated story, this clinical psychologist is finding that the "earn-and-spend" mentality ingrained into her patients is making them feel unhappy and spiritually empty. Funny that this article was publised yesterday, before the one about the kids wearing Prada.

So here we are: a generation of fashionistas and Samurai shoppers with full closets and empty hearts.

Now that's the Washington I know and love... we're all Scrooge and no Cratchit.

One thing I don't hate

OK, I survived Thanksgiving. And if I have to give thanks for one thing in D.C... I'd go with the National Transportation Safety Board.

I think that's the one government agency I actually respect. Whenever there's a big transportation accident, like a plane crash, they're on top of it. They go over every single detail; all the evidence is analyzed, everybody involved is interviewed. And, at the end of their investigation, they spell out exactly what went wrong, and specify exactly what needs to be done to prevent something similar from happening again. The NTSBers the reason I feel safe when I fly; they actually do their job really, really well.

And unlike some agencies, they aren't completely beholden to corporate or industrial interests (I'm looking at you, FDA, EPA), and they haven't collapsed under the weight of their own beauracracy (at least, not enough to limit their usefulness).

So, thanks guys.

Wait, what?

I was mentioned in Washingtonian?

Isn't that, like, the magazine for snobby people trying to convince themselves they're actually important socialites from New York? Isn't there a minimum wage requirement for reading it? I don't think the postal service is even legally allowed to deliver it to my shitty apartment.

At any rate, I'm sure I'll be drifting back to why.i.hate.dc now that football is over, and also because I'm moving back to my old job, where there's apparently still no actual work for me to do. I'll be back to being a full-time blogger.

But's it's going to be hard, because I find lately that I'm happier the more ignorant I am.

In fact, I've decided that ignorance really is the driving force behind Washington. If you shield yourself enough from what really goes on in this city, you might be able to somehow tolerate it without going mad. Metro rail falling apart? Bridges about to collapse? Don't worry about that; it will fix itself. Without more money!

Crime and poverty? Not a problem in my state/county/neighborhood, thus not my problem.

Huge deficits in D.C.? Let's lay off hundreds of public school teachers and build a $600 million baseball stadium!

The problem is, if I actually keep up with local events, as I have in the past, it really starts to weigh on me. I don't even have any control or power over anything, but still this stuff just infuriates and depresses me. The less I pay attention, the less depressed and infuriated I am. This must be Congress' philosophy as well, judging from their D.C. track record.

Meanwhile, I've lamented in the past about D.C. trying to make the rest of the country like itself. And it appears to have happened. Here's what the federal debt looks like:

11/19/2004        $7,497,665,301,236.87

09/30/2004        $7,379,052,696,330.32

09/30/2003        $6,783,231,062,743.62

09/30/2002        $6,228,235,965,597.16

09/28/2001        $5,807,463,412,200.06

Now the whole country is ghetto rich, just like D.C. Why does this not bother anyone? What are we going to do, consolidate all our debts into one convenient low monthly payment? It don't work that way, people!

"But the economy is doing so well!" Yeah, if you pour $1.6 trillion of borrowed money into our economy, all of a sudden it looks like it's doing really well. It's like magic! And clearly, since that worked so well, instead of paying it back, what we need to do is increase the fucking debt ceiling. BRILLIANT. FUCKING. IDEA. It's tantamount to maxing out our credit card, and now, instead of reconsidering buying that $900 massage chair from Brookstone, we're calling the bank to ask them to raise our limit. I now refuse to have kids, just so that they don't have to be around when the economy collapses under all that debt.

But back to Washington. I know there are a lot of otherwise smart people here. People who finished near the tops of their classes at Yale and whatnot. And, after moving here, they use that clout to get into junior positions of power and influence; be it in politics, law, journalism etc. Then, once they've done that, they start to use their powers not to help others, but to lobby for themselves. They find very intelligent-sounding ways to absolve themselves of social responsibility. Translation: "I'm looking out for #1, bitches! You're not getting any fucking lunch money from me! Fuck all a y'all A-rabs."

So, when I think about who a "Washingtonian" is, this is who I picture:

A smart 31-year-old who just missed out on being a Rhodes scholar. Working for a Congressman, perhaps lately trying to backpedal for inserting Orwellian passages into the latest budget bill. (Yes, I'm talking about my old friends Istook and Micha.) Sitting in a party, wearing a sweater vest and sipping on a Smirnoff Ice. Laughing at how diners at the Cheesecake Factory are eating "mangy waste." Dreaming of the day they can make $300,000 a year lobbying for the pesticide industry or something.

But enough about Washingtonians. I'm going to try to think about them as little as possible, because they're just going to bring me down. Instead, I'm going to get the fuck outta town and enjoy Thanksgiving. The hard-core hating can wait until I get back. As a wise man once said, "All these pussy niggas putting money on my head? Go on get your refund, motherfucker. I ain't dead."

The best of both worlds

Oh man... a couple of priceless articles in the Post yesterday.

Did you see the profile of my man Lee Van Cleef? I mean, Philip Van Cleave?

Something of a night owl, Van Cleave likes to take walks around the lake in his subdivision around midnight. When he does, he "double carries" in case an assailant knocks one weapon out of his hand. It's not about fear, he said. "Who would do that if they were afraid? The word is preparedness."

I nearly had a heart attack from laughing so much. He double carries in his subdivision. In case someone knocks the first gun out of his hand And I'm sure his subdivision is a war zone at midnight. Where does he live, A-Team Piney Forest Lakes?

The man has never even fired a gun outside a firing range, and has never been the victim of any crime worse than car stereo theft. And yet, he insists on getting open carrying of firearms legal everywhere in densely populated Northern Virginia, including airports and legistative chambers. Even the NRA thinks he should dial it down a few notches. Does that not tell you everything you need to know about the man?

Or, put another way...

DEAR FUCKING LORD. I can't believe this INSANE PARANOID FUCK-JOB is deciding this state's gun policies. Thank you, Philip Van Cleave, for putting the fear of God into me. Now please don't come shooting up my apartment.

Also putting the fear of God into me: the crowd at Big Ben Liquor in Northeast D.C.

"Why would you go over there and get a pack of potato chips when I said mints? He got a [expletive] bag of potato chips when I said mints. Why would he try to give me a pack of potato chips when I said mints?"

[...]

"Give me two packs of Dittos," another woman says. "No, I didn't say pickles, damn it."

Wow, these people get really cranky when they don't get their pickles. I mean Dittos! [BLAM BLAM] ARRRRGHH!

Singh bought the business -- not the building -- for $300,000 plus inventory from a man who was shot in a bloody robbery that left him paralyzed.

[...]

"Hey, mister," a drunk man says, trying to maintain what is left of his dignity. "Please let me go to the bathroom. I'm about to piss on myself."

A woman in a red coat who wants a $75 money order looks at the man, who races out of the store. "He done already peed," she says, like a narrator.

Who says comedy and horror don't mix?

They also talk to a man named RasD who captures the mood of the city perfectly.

He walks south on North Capitol. The Capitol's dome rises in the distance, looming like a mighty mecca, so far away from this corner and so close. RasD motions to the cars that whiz by. "The traffic flows through without any connection to the spaces and places," he says. "They just pass by. They would rather not see the obvious, the displaced, the homeless, the confused, the hungry. . . . There are brilliant minds at that vortex: incredible mothers, fathers. The homeless are no longer scorned and they are not faceless at that vortex. They are only a blur and an eyesore to those passing through."

Yep. Brilliant people; powerful people; they have the power to change the blight they see around them, but choose not to. They choose to ignore it. D.C. is what happens when good people do nothing.

I hate Reston

Included in the topics of conversation between my co-workers on the drive over to a meeting:

How MFing Reston is so great, because the landscaping is so pristine.

Yes, these were all men. Go figure.

Maybe an obstructed view is the best view, after all

Daniel Snyder. Owner of the Redskins. Nobody else embodies what I hate about Washingtonians more than this man.

The latest article is a laugh-riot. After a loss:

"I was so depressed in the locker room," [head coach Joe] Gibbs recalled Wednesday at Redskins Park. "And [Snyder] walked right up to me and he said, 'Hey look, I just want to encourage you. It takes a while. Maybe you can't see it; you're too close to it. We have improvement. We're on the right track.'"

Funny thing, this new definition of "improvement." He'd better hope nobody tries to make any "improvements" on the Danny-copter.

"Joe has final say on everything. Period," Snyder said. "I've taken my lumps. I've come a long way. I think I've got incredible patience and understand things now that I didn't have when I first came into the league. I've learned a whole bunch."

(Said the man who's on his fifth head coach in six years.)

Patience, you say? Learned a lot, hmmm? Let's recap the quarterback situation:

- Last year, they drafted Patrick Ramsey in the first round. This was a huge stretch; he wasn't projected to be drafted until much later. The team got poor value out of the pick.
- This year, they sign Mark Brunell to a huge contract. Now, I like Brunell, and it was fun watching him on those good Jaguars teams in the late '90s, but let's face it: he's old and busted. He was at his most effective when he was mobile and a scrambler; as a purely pocket passer, he's hasn't exactly been on the A-list lately. Thus, they got poor value again.

But the biggest problem with signing him is that they've benched Ramsey. If you're going to reach for a QB in the draft, and bank on him as your future, you've got to play him. By signing and starting Brunell, they compunded the draft mistake. Brunell would be a good addition to a team in need of a veteran backup QB; he's a bad signing for a rebuilding team that supposedly has its eye on the future.

Despite having some of the worst stats in the league, the Redskins continue to start Brunell. And every game is more potential lost for getting Ramsey some more experience (and getting a better look at him). Apparently, since Brunell is Gibbs' evangelical Christian bunk-mate, he's in pretty much forever. (Where's your God now, NASCAR-boy?)

In other words, in terms of being unable to see the shortcomings in your own decisions, Snyder appears to have a friend in Gibbs. And that's what being a Washingtonian is, in a nutshell: you have to have an overblown sense of self-importance, coupled with an inability to do any self-evaluation whatsoever.

Now, foreseeing this awfulness, I didn't buy tickets this year! Pat on the back, me! Of course, I still have to watch this crap on TV tomorrow, instead of the superior Eagles-Steelers matchup, so I lose either way.

So, who's up for some baseball?

Oh wait, that's not happening either now.

Darn.

INS1PID: Personalized Virginia license plates I have hated (part 14 in a series)

2B U -2B (e.g. the logical equation, "2B or not 2B"; i.e., NERD!!!)
FUN4MOI
L8-ZOOMR
On a Ford Mustang: LUSTANG
THRU F8H (Also, fuck the gays)

OK, so now I'm in a bad mood

It's Thursday. It's cold, it's raining. My football game this evening is doubtlessly going to be called off. And, to top it all off, America proved it really, really hates gay people.

As if to celebrate that fact, a couple Metro trains bumped uglies yesterday:



Turns out one train lost it brakes, and simply rolled backward into the station. (Safety systems designed to prevent such an occurrence didn't activate.)

Meanwhile, Metro CEO Richard White gave us the understatement of the forever:

"Lately we've got a serious perception and credibility problem about what it is we're doing and how hard we're working on behalf of our customers," White said.

Oh my God... they're finally starting to admit their suckitude! Eat that, "Lisa Farbstein"!

The weirdest thing about this story is that it kept getting worse as the day went on; the first reports talked about two trains "bumping" and injuring four people. Obviously it was a lot worse than that, and scary too; the driver yelled for everyone to "get off the train, run if you have to!"

Twenty people were hurt, and travel's obviously going to be delayed all week. Good times!

Don't be hatin'

Hey haters,

Been in too good a mood lately to be doing any strong hatin' lately. My old job opened back up, so I'll be going back there and leaving behind motherfucking Reston pretty soon. And, it's football season, which always cheers me up. The weather has turned cool; the World Series is in full swing; it's almost Halloween. It's the best time of the year.

What can I say; happiness can, tragically, strike at any moment.

Don't worry, I'm sure the election will reverse all of that and really piss me off. I'm hoping there are a lot, a LOT, of people who only use cell phones instead of land lines these days.

Meanwhile:

- I think I said this last year, but Halloween is the one time of year I can really almost tolerate D.C. That's because all its uppity, tweedy twenty-to-thirty-something denizens, who have sold their souls in exchange for the illusion of power and/or wealth, finally get one day to shed their inhibitions and let their hair down. And I'm not talking about kicking it with the polo-shirt-and-khaki combo on casual Friday; I'm talking 28-year-old women who spend 364 days a year conforming and repressing to social and workplace mores... putting on Catholic school uniforms and pretending to be bad. That's freakin' hot.

- Oh man, how awesome is Jon Stewart? Tucker Carlson still has bootmarks on his ass. Mr. Stewart, you are a tiny Jewish GOD. It was the ultimate triumph of intelligence over mindless Washington spin. BRILLIANT. The uncomfortable comedy moment of the decade.

- I've got to stop listening to local AM radio. It's like a sickness. The other day, on WMAL, Chris Core was truly flabberghasted as to why Muslims were polling for Kerry by a 10-to-1 margin. After three calls from virulently anti-Muslim Bush supporters, he still claimed to be stumped. On Michael Graham's show, he claimed to prefer the Bush ticket to the supposedly shrill, bitter negativity of the Kerry campaign. This is the same Bush ticket with a veep who said "Go fuck yourself" on the floor of the Senate, is it not? I wanted to call in and issue a beatdown, but I hate myself enough already. I popped in an Oakenfold CD instead.

In conclusion, please bear with me during this fallow period of hate. Probably, when football season comes to an end, and my hands become more idle, you'll be seeing more of me here. In the meantime, stay informed with the excellent DCist. They're all over everything.

Baseball as a political football

OK, I'm obviously happy that we got a baseball team. That's something I've really missed over the past three years. Now there will finally be something entertaining to do during the summer, other than intentionally giving wrong directions to tourists.

Naturally, Washington residents are trying to make the excitement and fun of getting a baseball team as excruciating as possible by bringing politics into the mix. You know what the game of baseball should have nothing to do with? Politics. And yet, here's Mark Plotkin in the Post last week, whining that, because D.C. residents have to senators to represent them, the team should not be named senators.

I understand and appreciate nostalgia. I know it can be powerful. But let's not confuse nostalgia with reality. The District doesn't have senators, so why perpetuate a lie? What better time to discard our accommodating way, our passive personality and insist -- no, demand -- that we name our team right?

Oh, the DRAMA!

Yes, I'm sure naming the team something other than Senators will, after two centuries, finally let those filthy Congressmen know D.C. means business now, bitch. "Oh, you still won't let us have senators? Well... well... then we're not naming our baseball team after you!"

That's adorable.

(Seriously, you want representation? It's not going to happen via slogans on license plates and flags. You guys need some non-violent resistance up in here. Block off bridges with protestors; convince Metro train drivers to all call in sick one day. Congress can't run without the cooperation of D.C. residents, so be uncooperative. Gandhi-style, bitches!)

But I digress. The fun-loving Plotkin goes on to suggest some "better" team names:

My preference would be the Washington Subjects or the Washington Serfs or the Washington Disenfranchised. That won't happen, I know. Those names too accurately reflect our true status.

Right, the only reason those names won't happen is because that's real life, and the man can't handle it! And not because, you know, baseball is not supposed to be about a futile political cause.

(Heh, "Washington Disenfranchised." I can hear the post-game show now. "D's lose to Mets, 7-4. Fans, don't forget next Tuesday is Felon Appreciation Night at the ballpark. First 5,000 felons through the gate receive a free Katherine Harris bobblehead doll.")

Meanwhile, the ridiculous name suggestions keeps pouring in, showcasing the complete lack of creativity and originality we Washingtonians tend to exhibit. "Diplomats," "Mudslingers," "Politicians?" Stupid, dumb, retarded. I would have thought "Senators" was the only name that made sense, but since two suchly teams jilted the city in the past, I can also understand the desire for a new name and a fresh start. For some reason "Washington Monuments" is popular; because we want our team to be likened to a large, phallic, gray slab of marble. Perhaps they could have two-tone uniforms: one shade of gray down to about their thighs, and then a slightly different shade of gray for the rest of it. (My first architectural joke, ladies and gentlemen!)

The mayor said he'd prefer "Grays." While I can appreciate the homage to the Negro League team (that often outdrew the first version of the Senators), could he possibly pick a more boring team name? OK, I suppose "Grays" would at least match the city's complete lack of personality.

As a service to the mayor, I present a compromise: "Gray Sox." That way, you have the homage to the Grays, but you also have a better sounding traditional baseball-type name that's not quite as boring.

Let's make some calls on this, people. Only you can prevent the team being named the "Serfs."

Ugh... what's worse? Watching creativity-impared Washingtonians trying to name the team, or the anticipation of having to deal with all the "famous for D.C." people snatching up the good seats so they can show themselves off at the ballpark next year? Here's a preview of Wonkette's "Wonk'd" feature in April 2005:

OMG i just saw goerge stephanopolus (sp?) at the game. he was in the sixth row on the thrid base side. oh, i also think i saw ashcroft serving hot dogs, LOL ;)

I can't wait.

My fellow Virginians: so very retarded

Thirty armed people showed up at the Falls Church city council meeting last week. It was our old friends, the Virginia Citizens Defense League of Douchebags, who this week were defending their right to scare everyone shitless, and threaten civil servants in a supposedly non-threatening way.

Meanwhile, in a, and I think you know where I'm going here, completely unrelated story (TM), this idiot sent his son to school with a backpack containing a loaded semiautomatic handgun.

Fouche, a contractor who has a permit to carry a concealed weapon, said in an interview that he took his son to soccer practice Wednesday evening, brought along the gun -- which he said he carries all the time for self-defense -- and put it in the backpack for safekeeping. He said he forgot to remove the gun from the pack before sending his son to school.

Utterly. Fucking. Brilliant. Because you never know when those filthy communists are going to take over little Billy's soccer practice! For the love of fucking God, WHY ARE YOU TAKING A LOADED SEMI-AUTO TO YOUR KID'S SOCCER PRACTICE?!? And then, obviously, the kind of man who would pack heat at soccer practice is the same kind of genius who would forget to take it out of his kid's backpack before sending him to school.

Also completely unrelated: the target="_blank">near-Columbine that almost happened at Bull Run Middle School.

Some stuff

1. Police brutality. A woman who was talking loudly on her cell phone outside at a Metro station, and possibly using profanity, ignored a Metro cop's request to quiet down. Naturally, this being Metro, the officer took the only reasonable action available to him and forced her to the ground and handcuffed her.

Bonus points: she's five months pregnant.

Metro's spokespeople, being customer-centric, of course, immediately and profusely apologized.

"We need better enforcement to allow people to know we are serious and want to maintain the high-quality level of the system," said Robert J. Smith, chairman of the Metro board, adding that "ranting youth" have become a plague on the subway. "This isn't Montana. We live in a very dense region, and people are on top of each other all the time."

Smith, who refuses to carry a cell phone, said he thinks Metro riders need to use the devices with care. "We wouldn't allow someone to come into the U.S. Capitol Rotunda and shout obscenities into a cell phone," he said.

So, of course, the cop treats her like he just found out she was the one mailing anthrax to people back in '01.

Seriously, why not do something about the drunk and/or crazy guys who ride the train, shouting in a random yet threatening manner at the other riders, thus scaring the crap out of them? I swear that's happened to me, like, five times. A woman talking loudly on her cell phone, outside of the train? For Metro, that's refreshingly benign.

2. No more Visions. The erstwhile cinema-slash-bistro-slash-lounge, which only did one of those three things well (lounge), is closing soon, or maybe has already closed. Tens of college students, who loved watching the vastly overrated Donnie Darko on a small screen at the end of a long, narrow theater with bad sound, are weeping into their Smirnoff Ices.

Close the book on Visions. It was a good place for people who need to feel cool, but not a good place to actually watch a movie. They did ocassionally get some super-obscure things, but overall, Bruce Springsteen's new E Street Theater is much better.

3. We're still on Orange Alert in D.C. Anybody know why? Ohhh, because the terror alert levels are bullshit? You don't say.

4. D.C. may get baseball, but at a huge cost. Make the team pay for it, like with the new ballpark in San Francisco. The team is who reaps all the financial benefit, anyway; the economic impact of baseball will in no way offset the property acquisition/building costs.

Then again, D.C., much like America itself, has to maintain its ghetto rich attitude. "I want lots of cool stuff, but I don't want to have to pay for it... right now."

5. Juvenile homicides way up in D.C. But, like the rest of suburban fantasyland, the less I think about it, the less upset I get. Problem solved!

Of course!

Why not? Part 1.

Why not elect Marion Barry? Why not make D.C. look like a laughing stock again? The city had only just started to recover from his reign of terror as mayor. So yeah, let's just bring his ass back.

How long until he's caught smoking crack again? Over-under: 1 year from now. Place your bets.

Why not? Part 2.

Why not repeal the D.C. gun ban?

I mean, sure, it's not anything that anybody in the District wants. And also, the murder rate had just started to decline, thanks to better policing.

But hey, who knows what's better for D.C., after all? The residents of the city? Or a bunch of sheltered, self-important, white Republicans representing non-urban areas?

Good job, Republicans. You take up that white man's burden. Repeal that handgun ban that D.C. residents instituted. Remove the prohibition against semiautomatic weapons. Remove registration requirements for ammunition and other firearms. Cancel those criminal penalities for carrying unregistered guns. That will solve everything. YOU'RE SO MOTHERFUCKING SMART. WHAT A FUCKING GREAT IDEA. THANK YOU SO VERY, VERY GODDAMNED MUCH.

Also, while you're at it, I suggest going one step further and allowing guns to be carried into Congress. It's a crime against freedom that American citizens can't carry a handgun into the House of Representatives... to protect themselves, of course. I'm sure nothing bad could possibly come of that, either.

Kurtz Got Served

This is an utterly brilliant opinion piece by Rick Mercier of the Fredricksburg Free-Lance Star. It's about the Post, and its recent non-apology apology for totally fellating the President during its coverage of the run-up to Operation Iraqi Quagmire.

A free press is supposed to question what a government is trying to spoonfeed it, not simply assume that leaders are credible and that their claims about the designated enemy are beyond scrutiny.

[...]

[Post media reporter Howard] Kurtz provides no help with these questions. He patronizes readers with platitudes about the basic tenets of journalism, but leaves them wondering how in the world the Post arrived at its conclusions about whom it could trust...

Nailed it. Absolutely stuck the landing. The judges are loving it. That's exactly what Kurtz's opinion piece was: patronizing.

I'm not the type to trot out the "read the whole thing" cliche, but I do think that, if you're a reporter or editor, you should print out this article and tack it to your forehead. Text-side facing in.