I'm in too good a mood. Why?
Northern Illinois 20, #14 Maryland 13 (OT).
Can I get an "Overrated, clap, clap, clap clap clap?"
Thank you.
8.29.2003
8.28.2003
Jen, Jen, back again
Party on, party people. Here's another tantalizing full-of-vitality article by Jen Waters.
A plaster copy of the 11-inch model is made, which, in turn is used to make a negative form of the new coin in rubber. The rubber form is used to create a positive, 11-inch model in epoxy.Zzzzz... huhwhah?
A transfer engraving machine creates a coin-size copy of the 11-inch epoxy model in steel. The result, called a master hub, is used to press a master die in a negative form. Positive-relief work hubs are made from the master die, and from those work hubs, negative-form work dies are made.
Mommy, why is that zebra coughing up blood?
Worst... zoo... ever.
Vomit.
"Public concern has been raised in the last eight months, not over the last few years," Evans said. "A lot of it actually has been led by campaigns in the press, and I ask you as a scientific body not to take the local press as necessarily a reliable source, either of public sentiment nor as an authority on animal care."Right, but it's just getting blown up the media. The fact that the National fucking Zoo can't keep its animals alive. Clearly everybody's overreacting to the idea that these animals might have a better chance of survival in the wild than in D.C.
[...]
Zoo and Smithsonian officials have said human error caused the deaths of the zebras and the red pandas. The panel will review the circumstances of those deaths as well as those of a Persian onager that died of salmonella after being transported in a contaminated container; three Eld's deer that died after being attacked by dogs at the zoo's conservation center; and a lion that died of complications from anesthesia. Questions also have been raised about the deaths of a bobcat, an elephant, two giraffes and a tree kangaroo. A bald eagle was fatally attacked last month by a fox that got into its enclosure.
Vomit.
8.27.2003
For $100 and an Essay, Win a Home
A 79-year-old woman who owns a bunch of property in Northern Virginia is essentially raffling it off via an essay contest.
Wow, I don't know where to start with my hatred for this woman. Among the highlights:
She got the idea by watching Oprah.
The entry fee is $100. Considering the negative expectation related to your chances of getting a return on your money, that's a considerable gamble that some people are going to take who can't necessarily afford it.
"The essays can say anything, 'as long as it's positive.'" Well, clearly I would be a fucking shoo-in. Stupid elderly fucking bitch. Who needs your fucking handouts anyway, wrinkle-bag? First place. Ding.
"Students from Washington and Lee University will pare the list of entries for final judging by three anonymous Virginia lawyers, Johnsen said." Again, how could I lose? I'm sure a lot of Virginia lawyers would love my writing.
But the worst part is that the limit on the essay length is 75 words. What is that, like five sentences? What the fuck can I possibly say in 75 words that's going to convince three anonymous fucking lawyers to give me a house? My writing's fairly compact anyway, but by the end of this sentence, this blog post is at 213 words. And I haven't really said much, except that I hate this particular senior citizen.
If you decide to enter this contest, you're going to have to write what the three anonymous lawyers want to hear. My recommendation is as follows:
"Greetings! For a long time, I have wanted a house, and this is my big chance. When my former employer fired me for being a handicapped minority, I was forcibly evicted without notice at gunpoint by my crack-dealing landlord. The state revoked my unemployment benefits after John Ashcroft branded me with a scarlet letter "T" for “Terrorist” on my forehead for checking out library books about Islam.
Award me the house and I’ll hire you."
Boom! 75 words, we have a winner. You can thank me while kicking back in your new one-third of an apartment complex from the 1940s.
A winner is you!
Wow, I don't know where to start with my hatred for this woman. Among the highlights:
But the worst part is that the limit on the essay length is 75 words. What is that, like five sentences? What the fuck can I possibly say in 75 words that's going to convince three anonymous fucking lawyers to give me a house? My writing's fairly compact anyway, but by the end of this sentence, this blog post is at 213 words. And I haven't really said much, except that I hate this particular senior citizen.
If you decide to enter this contest, you're going to have to write what the three anonymous lawyers want to hear. My recommendation is as follows:
"Greetings! For a long time, I have wanted a house, and this is my big chance. When my former employer fired me for being a handicapped minority, I was forcibly evicted without notice at gunpoint by my crack-dealing landlord. The state revoked my unemployment benefits after John Ashcroft branded me with a scarlet letter "T" for “Terrorist” on my forehead for checking out library books about Islam.
Award me the house and I’ll hire you."
Boom! 75 words, we have a winner. You can thank me while kicking back in your new one-third of an apartment complex from the 1940s.
A winner is you!
8.25.2003
Oh well
I heard that Good Charlotte, a pop-punk band from Annapolis, was added to the NFL Kickoff concert thingy. Wait, I'd better give the official title... "NFL Kickoff Live 2003 presented by Pepsi Vanilla." Gah.
Now I kind of wish I could go, just to see hear them sing this line from their song "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"...
Now I kind of wish I could go, just to see hear them sing this line from their song "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"...
And did you know if you were caught and you were smokin' crackThat'll probably get a cheer on the Mall.
McDonalds wouldn't even wanna take you back
You could always just run for mayor of D.C.
No New Senators
This is a funny Slate column about why it would be awful to put a new baseball team in Washington.
The endless flocks of lightweight Beltway harpies that would descend on the team—"Hey, Bob, let's go down in the stands and talk to George Stephanopoulos"—in short order would render that team the most insufferable sports experience not involving George Will. Except that it likely would involve George Will.
INS1PID: Personalized Virginia license plates I have hated (part 8 in a series)
MADE MAN
DEEEP
CANN DEE
UNDRTKR
WHEELS
DEEEP
CANN DEE
UNDRTKR
WHEELS
8.22.2003
Dept. of Media: Heads in the Sand
Great column about how the Washington newspapers (and others) have attempted to justify being lied to by Bush in the case for invading Iraq.
Bonus points to the author, Erik Wemple, for describing the Times' position as "the Moonies' ivory tower." Brilliant.
Bonus points to the author, Erik Wemple, for describing the Times' position as "the Moonies' ivory tower." Brilliant.
8.21.2003
Ramsey Declares 'Crime Emergency' in D.C.
CRIME EMERGENCY!
The proper response to a crime emergency, of course, is to run around frantically while flailing your arms about, yelling: "CRIIIIIIME EMERGENCYYYYY!"
Seriously, crime emergency? I mean, it's bad like always, right? Declaring an emergency now seems a little random. (Of course, it seems emergency-worthy all the time to me.)
The proper response to a crime emergency, of course, is to run around frantically while flailing your arms about, yelling: "CRIIIIIIME EMERGENCYYYYY!"
Seriously, crime emergency? I mean, it's bad like always, right? Declaring an emergency now seems a little random. (Of course, it seems emergency-worthy all the time to me.)
Living Costs More With Increased County Fees
We're learning that when you slash federal taxes and spending, states and counties are forced to raise their taxes to pay for those services themselves or go bankrupt. But instead of calling them taxes, they're called "fees." Thus, the ridiculously high cost of living in Montgomery County has gotten even more ridiculous.
How To Hate the Redskins in Three Ways
Three observations from last weekend's Redskins preseason game, in order of ascending hatred.
3) Worst color scheme for a stadium ever. [Product-placed shipping company] Field's ugliness seriously now eclipses the Houston's Astrodome's red-red/orange-orange seats (you know, the colors everyone in the '70s thought would be the "COLORS OF THE FUTURE!").
The team had the same set-up in 2001. The stadium was originally "Jack Kent Cooke Stadium" after the team's old owner, but when the aforementioned [product-placed shipping company] took over the naming rights, they apparently decided that the top ring of the stadium needed to be colored similarly to the company's logo. Which gives us a band of purple, orange and green colored fences at the top of the stadium, like this:
It goes spectacularly badly with the inside of the stadium, where seats are colored... burgundy and gold.
Yecch. This picture doesn't even do it justice. I can't explain in words how awful these colors look together.
2) You can't bring backpacks into the stadium, thanks to a policy instituted after 9/11.
I'm getting a little tired of being treated like a potential terrorist everywhere I go. I realize that our area is often a target for terrorism of various kinds, and that there's occasionally fan-related violence in the stands but that's why you search backpacks before letting them in. When I go to a game, all told I'm generally away from home for seven hours. I want to take reading material, my radio, and sunscreen, and it's a pain in the ass having to fit all that crap into my shorts pockets.
Can we please get over 9/11 already and start living our fucking lives normally, like we used to? Yeah, we're at risk of being the victims of terrorism. We always have been. I'm willing to accept that if I can get on with my life, and not have to make do without a backpack for the whole day. Let's pull up our socks and get back to normal.
This country has the self-image of perservering through tough times and standing up to attacks, but now we're just acting like a bunch of chickens. Or is that just in Washington? I was just at Wrigley Field a month ago, where they had no problem letting me bring a backpack inside; I don't see why [product-placed shipping company] Field or [product-placed telecommunications company guilty of fraudulent accounting practices] Center should be any different.
You also can't bring umbrellas into the game. Ostensibly, that's probably so everyone has a clear view of the game. But the couple behind me at the stadium was convinced it was because of terrorism. "Oh sure, you could hide something up in there [in the folded umbrella]," the husband said.
What the fuck?! Did the Penguin escape from Arkham Asylum again? Are we really still so skittish that we're concerned the umbrellas people carry might be deadly weapons? If so, we're all a bunch of fucking cowards.
1) The ushers at the game are like unto the Gestapo.
Now, I understand that they have a job to do. Keeping order at a football game among rowdy and drunk fans is not easy. But this is a preseason game. It doesn't count in the standings, the starters only play for half the game, and the ticket holders tend to either stay home or leave during the third quarter. Plenty of seats open up closer to the field in the second half, and it's a perfect opportunity for us poor upper-deck denizens to move down and watch the scrubs play from a closer vantage point.
And yet, the ushers forbid it. I had to do quite a lot of sneaking around at halftime in order to find an aisle that happened to be unguarded by these fucking bastards. Once I did, I sat in the back of the lower corner section of the stadium, alternately watching the game and reading a magazine.
When I finally got up to go with a minute left in the game, I witnessed an usher preventing a kid from entering the section. Understand that there were maybe 5,000 people left in a stadium that seats 80,000. This kid wasn't going to be taking anyone's seat, and he probably just wanted to get a glimpse of the field close up. But no, Mr. Ticket Gestapo wouldn't let him.
Now, being the nice guy that I am, I directed this kid towards the unguarded section. But why must this usher be so vigilant in his duties at the end of a meaningless exhibition matchup?
Oh right, because the Redskins are evil, Dan Snyder is Satan, Washington is a joyless metropolis, etc.
3) Worst color scheme for a stadium ever. [Product-placed shipping company] Field's ugliness seriously now eclipses the Houston's Astrodome's red-red/orange-orange seats (you know, the colors everyone in the '70s thought would be the "COLORS OF THE FUTURE!").
The team had the same set-up in 2001. The stadium was originally "Jack Kent Cooke Stadium" after the team's old owner, but when the aforementioned [product-placed shipping company] took over the naming rights, they apparently decided that the top ring of the stadium needed to be colored similarly to the company's logo. Which gives us a band of purple, orange and green colored fences at the top of the stadium, like this:
It goes spectacularly badly with the inside of the stadium, where seats are colored... burgundy and gold.
Yecch. This picture doesn't even do it justice. I can't explain in words how awful these colors look together.
2) You can't bring backpacks into the stadium, thanks to a policy instituted after 9/11.
I'm getting a little tired of being treated like a potential terrorist everywhere I go. I realize that our area is often a target for terrorism of various kinds, and that there's occasionally fan-related violence in the stands but that's why you search backpacks before letting them in. When I go to a game, all told I'm generally away from home for seven hours. I want to take reading material, my radio, and sunscreen, and it's a pain in the ass having to fit all that crap into my shorts pockets.
Can we please get over 9/11 already and start living our fucking lives normally, like we used to? Yeah, we're at risk of being the victims of terrorism. We always have been. I'm willing to accept that if I can get on with my life, and not have to make do without a backpack for the whole day. Let's pull up our socks and get back to normal.
This country has the self-image of perservering through tough times and standing up to attacks, but now we're just acting like a bunch of chickens. Or is that just in Washington? I was just at Wrigley Field a month ago, where they had no problem letting me bring a backpack inside; I don't see why [product-placed shipping company] Field or [product-placed telecommunications company guilty of fraudulent accounting practices] Center should be any different.
You also can't bring umbrellas into the game. Ostensibly, that's probably so everyone has a clear view of the game. But the couple behind me at the stadium was convinced it was because of terrorism. "Oh sure, you could hide something up in there [in the folded umbrella]," the husband said.
What the fuck?! Did the Penguin escape from Arkham Asylum again? Are we really still so skittish that we're concerned the umbrellas people carry might be deadly weapons? If so, we're all a bunch of fucking cowards.
1) The ushers at the game are like unto the Gestapo.
Now, I understand that they have a job to do. Keeping order at a football game among rowdy and drunk fans is not easy. But this is a preseason game. It doesn't count in the standings, the starters only play for half the game, and the ticket holders tend to either stay home or leave during the third quarter. Plenty of seats open up closer to the field in the second half, and it's a perfect opportunity for us poor upper-deck denizens to move down and watch the scrubs play from a closer vantage point.
And yet, the ushers forbid it. I had to do quite a lot of sneaking around at halftime in order to find an aisle that happened to be unguarded by these fucking bastards. Once I did, I sat in the back of the lower corner section of the stadium, alternately watching the game and reading a magazine.
When I finally got up to go with a minute left in the game, I witnessed an usher preventing a kid from entering the section. Understand that there were maybe 5,000 people left in a stadium that seats 80,000. This kid wasn't going to be taking anyone's seat, and he probably just wanted to get a glimpse of the field close up. But no, Mr. Ticket Gestapo wouldn't let him.
Now, being the nice guy that I am, I directed this kid towards the unguarded section. But why must this usher be so vigilant in his duties at the end of a meaningless exhibition matchup?
Oh right, because the Redskins are evil, Dan Snyder is Satan, Washington is a joyless metropolis, etc.
8.20.2003
The Jen Waters Fan Club: now in session
The accounts of this meeting of the Jen Waters Fan Club may not be disseminated without the expressed written consent of Jen Waters, Rev. Sun Myung Moon, and Jesus.
Ah, what exciting Washington-area lifestyle topic are we writing about this time? Perhaps Jem... ahem, typo... perhaps Jen will branch out from her usual topics of A) the natural sciences and B) home improvement for the super-rich.
Nope, it's category B again. Heh. JEN IS EXCITEMENT!
Now all I need is a yard. And first I'm going to need a house. And before that I'm going to need about a $20,000 raise for a down payment. But hey, at least I can live vicariously through the extreme excitement of other people renovating their homes!
Ah, what exciting Washington-area lifestyle topic are we writing about this time? Perhaps Jem... ahem, typo... perhaps Jen will branch out from her usual topics of A) the natural sciences and B) home improvement for the super-rich.
Nope, it's category B again. Heh. JEN IS EXCITEMENT!
Gardening with water can bring an added element to an outdoor setting. From birdbaths and small fountains to waterfalls, ponds and streams, water can give extra sparkle to any yard. It also helps create a peaceful atmosphere.Wow, I am sold! ("Can give extra sparkle to any yard?" Jesus Christ on crutches, is this a newspaper or a flyer from Lowe's Home Improvement?)
Installing the Sisolaks' 10-foot-by-4-foot kidney-shaped pond came about as part of a larger home renovation, says Kevin Winkler, an architect with Wentworth Levine Architect Builder in Silver Spring.All right, sounds absolutely bitchin'! JEN IS ADVENTURE!
The firm redesigned the kitchen and family room in the house and added a wood deck in the back yard. After those projects were completed, the Sisolaks decided they wanted to change the landscape of the back yard, creating a more desirable view from the family room.
Now all I need is a yard. And first I'm going to need a house. And before that I'm going to need about a $20,000 raise for a down payment. But hey, at least I can live vicariously through the extreme excitement of other people renovating their homes!
To create the pond, workers dug the shape and put sand in its base. Then a rubber liner was installed to keep the water from seeping into the soil. After that, flagstone was placed on the edges of the pond to match the walkway.OK, I just have to ask: who reads this bullshit? Are there really people out there who are subscribing to the Times, waiting on the edge of their seats every week for the latest Jen-authored piece on how to landscape your walkway? Are people that fucking boring?
"I just sit there and look at it," Mrs. Sisolak says. "I can do that for at least a half-hour. It's real easy."That answers that question, I guess. Hey, here's an idea, Jen, for your next lifestyle article: maybe next time find some people to interview who leave the house occasionally and actually do interesting things with their lives besides spending tens of thousands of dollars on home improvement. Just a thought.
Ouch
Last night, while working a scrimmage under the hot sun in Vienna, my legs were introduced to the wonders of hundreds of biting flies. Making my previous analogy about tsetse flies seem even more relevant.
8.18.2003
INS1PID: Personalized Virginia license plates I have hated (part 7 in a series)
GEDDY UP
BE CR8TV
W8N4GDO (English teacher?)
SRNDIPT
SYNRJY
BE CR8TV
W8N4GDO (English teacher?)
SRNDIPT
SYNRJY
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