The Jen Waters Fan Club: now in session

The accounts of this meeting of the Jen Waters Fan Club may not be disseminated without the expressed written consent of Jen Waters, Rev. Sun Myung Moon, and Jesus.

Ah, what exciting Washington-area lifestyle topic are we writing about this time? Perhaps Jem... ahem, typo... perhaps Jen will branch out from her usual topics of A) the natural sciences and B) home improvement for the super-rich.

Nope, it's category B again. Heh. JEN IS EXCITEMENT!

Gardening with water can bring an added element to an outdoor setting. From birdbaths and small fountains to waterfalls, ponds and streams, water can give extra sparkle to any yard. It also helps create a peaceful atmosphere.

Wow, I am sold! ("Can give extra sparkle to any yard?" Jesus Christ on crutches, is this a newspaper or a flyer from Lowe's Home Improvement?)

Installing the Sisolaks' 10-foot-by-4-foot kidney-shaped pond came about as part of a larger home renovation, says Kevin Winkler, an architect with Wentworth Levine Architect Builder in Silver Spring.

The firm redesigned the kitchen and family room in the house and added a wood deck in the back yard. After those projects were completed, the Sisolaks decided they wanted to change the landscape of the back yard, creating a more desirable view from the family room.

All right, sounds absolutely bitchin'! JEN IS ADVENTURE!

Now all I need is a yard. And first I'm going to need a house. And before that I'm going to need about a $20,000 raise for a down payment. But hey, at least I can live vicariously through the extreme excitement of other people renovating their homes!

To create the pond, workers dug the shape and put sand in its base. Then a rubber liner was installed to keep the water from seeping into the soil. After that, flagstone was placed on the edges of the pond to match the walkway.

OK, I just have to ask: who reads this bullshit? Are there really people out there who are subscribing to the Times, waiting on the edge of their seats every week for the latest Jen-authored piece on how to landscape your walkway? Are people that fucking boring?

"I just sit there and look at it," Mrs. Sisolak says. "I can do that for at least a half-hour. It's real easy."

That answers that question, I guess. Hey, here's an idea, Jen, for your next lifestyle article: maybe next time find some people to interview who leave the house occasionally and actually do interesting things with their lives besides spending tens of thousands of dollars on home improvement. Just a thought.