For $100 and an Essay, Win a Home

A 79-year-old woman who owns a bunch of property in Northern Virginia is essentially raffling it off via an essay contest.

Wow, I don't know where to start with my hatred for this woman. Among the highlights:

She got the idea by watching Oprah.

The entry fee is $100. Considering the negative expectation related to your chances of getting a return on your money, that's a considerable gamble that some people are going to take who can't necessarily afford it.

"The essays can say anything, 'as long as it's positive.'" Well, clearly I would be a fucking shoo-in. Stupid elderly fucking bitch. Who needs your fucking handouts anyway, wrinkle-bag? First place. Ding.

"Students from Washington and Lee University will pare the list of entries for final judging by three anonymous Virginia lawyers, Johnsen said." Again, how could I lose? I'm sure a lot of Virginia lawyers would love my writing.

But the worst part is that the limit on the essay length is 75 words. What is that, like five sentences? What the fuck can I possibly say in 75 words that's going to convince three anonymous fucking lawyers to give me a house? My writing's fairly compact anyway, but by the end of this sentence, this blog post is at 213 words. And I haven't really said much, except that I hate this particular senior citizen.

If you decide to enter this contest, you're going to have to write what the three anonymous lawyers want to hear. My recommendation is as follows:

"Greetings! For a long time, I have wanted a house, and this is my big chance. When my former employer fired me for being a handicapped minority, I was forcibly evicted without notice at gunpoint by my crack-dealing landlord. The state revoked my unemployment benefits after John Ashcroft branded me with a scarlet letter "T" for “Terrorist” on my forehead for checking out library books about Islam.

Award me the house and I’ll hire you."

Boom! 75 words, we have a winner. You can thank me while kicking back in your new one-third of an apartment complex from the 1940s.

A winner is you!