Now, I'm obviously going to be skipping quite a few of the WCP's categories. Let be 100% honest. I am only going to mention things that I either hate or disagree with. For all I know, this could be a great list. But as long as there's a few things that are, well, stupid, I'm going to focus on that.
Arts & Entertainments:
Obvious Reader Picks:
Best Independent Movie Theater
E Street Cinema
E Street Cinema
Best Graffiti
Borf
Borf
Best Music Venue
9:30 Club
9:30 Club
Best Outdoor Venue
Wolf Trap
Whoa, WCP readers. Don't hurt yourself going out on too many limbs. I'll be honest, I can't even think of an independent theater other than E Street. I can't think of another graffiti artist other than Borf. And the 9:30 Club and the Wolf Trap? Those are the predominant indoor and outdoor music venues in the area.
Wolf Trap
Whoa, WCP readers. Don't hurt yourself going out on too many limbs. I'll be honest, I can't even think of an independent theater other than E Street. I can't think of another graffiti artist other than Borf. And the 9:30 Club and the Wolf Trap? Those are the predominant indoor and outdoor music venues in the area.
Best Band That Should Reunite
Black Eyes
Black Eyes
Best Band That Should Return to Town
Midnite
Midnite
Best Internet Hype
Wale
Wale
Best Local Reissue Label
Crucial Blast
Crucial Blast
Best Go-Go Ambassador
Maurice “Mo” Shorter
Maurice “Mo” Shorter
Best Go-Go Cause
Getting Chuck Brown Inducted
Getting Chuck Brown Inducted
Best Label Honcho
Todd Hyman
Todd Hyman
Best Place to Make Out at a Rock Club
Rock & Roll Hotel
Rock & Roll Hotel
Best Record Store as Afternoon Killer
Joe’s Record Paradise
Joe’s Record Paradise
Best Record Stores–as–Punk History Lesson
Smash Records
Smash Records
Best Place to See D.C.’s Diversity in Action
Malcolm X Park drum circle
Malcolm X Park drum circle
Best Music Venue
Velvet Lounge
Velvet Lounge
Best Aspiring Brooklyn Band
Deleted Scenes
Deleted Scenes
Deepest House DJ
Chris Burns at Rock & Roll Hotel
It goes on like this forever. We get it, WCP staff. You're wicked hip. "Best aspiring Brooklyn band"? Ugh. Fuck you!
And if you're part of a drum circle, there is no hope for you. Racial diversity? Maybe? But drum circles are always homogeneous in their asshattery.
Food & Drink
Stupid Reader Picks:
People & PlacesChris Burns at Rock & Roll Hotel
It goes on like this forever. We get it, WCP staff. You're wicked hip. "Best aspiring Brooklyn band"? Ugh. Fuck you!
And if you're part of a drum circle, there is no hope for you. Racial diversity? Maybe? But drum circles are always homogeneous in their asshattery.
Food & Drink
Stupid Reader Picks:
Best Draft Beer Selection
Brickskeller
What the Hell? The draft selection at the Brickskeller is terrible. "Best bottle beer selection," yeah, why not? But draft selection? This is objectively false. Stupid fucking readers.
Staff Picks:
You know, I give the WCP a hard time, but at least their staff managed to avoid giving props to Virginia bars. I don't go out to restaurants. If I want goat cheese crusted halibut or peppered tuna, I make it myself. So if they say the best dim sum is at Hollywood East Cafe, who the Hell am I to disagree? I don't even know what dim sum is. We don't have Chinese food where I'm from and I'm certainly not going to start now.
Brickskeller
What the Hell? The draft selection at the Brickskeller is terrible. "Best bottle beer selection," yeah, why not? But draft selection? This is objectively false. Stupid fucking readers.
Best Greasy Spoon
Ben's Chili Bowl
More limb hopping!
Ben's Chili Bowl
More limb hopping!
Best Dessert
Piola
Piola
Best Happy Hour
Piola
Piola
Best Restaurant Overall
Piola
This is awfully fishy. I smell ballot stuffing. There is no fucking way that the best happy hour in the area is in Northern Virginia. On, ugh, Wilson Boulevard. No one likes going to Northern Virginia. I went to NoVA to play mini-golf and I came back with train-tracks on my wrists.
Piola
This is awfully fishy. I smell ballot stuffing. There is no fucking way that the best happy hour in the area is in Northern Virginia. On, ugh, Wilson Boulevard. No one likes going to Northern Virginia. I went to NoVA to play mini-golf and I came back with train-tracks on my wrists.
You know, I give the WCP a hard time, but at least their staff managed to avoid giving props to Virginia bars. I don't go out to restaurants. If I want goat cheese crusted halibut or peppered tuna, I make it myself. So if they say the best dim sum is at Hollywood East Cafe, who the Hell am I to disagree? I don't even know what dim sum is. We don't have Chinese food where I'm from and I'm certainly not going to start now.
Readers' Picks
Best D.C. Web Site
DCist
No argument from me. Congratulations.
DCist
No argument from me. Congratulations.
Best Councilmember
Jim Graham
I was getting all riled up to mock the Ward 1 residents who certainly dominate the Washington City Paper's readership. Jim Graham!?
But then I tried thinking of a better Councilmember and I came up blank. Evans? Hell no. Mendelson? Maybe.
So congratulations, Councilmember Graham. You were voted the best of a truly mediocre lot.
Jim Graham
I was getting all riled up to mock the Ward 1 residents who certainly dominate the Washington City Paper's readership. Jim Graham!?
But then I tried thinking of a better Councilmember and I came up blank. Evans? Hell no. Mendelson? Maybe.
So congratulations, Councilmember Graham. You were voted the best of a truly mediocre lot.
Best Local Hero
Adrian Fenty
Huh? I strongly object to Mayor Fenty being labeled a "hero." The man is a politician. Some people love him. Others not so much. No matter what one thinks of the man, calling him a hero is a gross exaggeration.
Here's how hurting the District is for a real hero: the runner-up in this vote was Marion Berry.
Marion Berry: The second most heroic person in the District.
Pardon the politically incorrect language, but that is the most retarded thing I have ever read in my entire life.
Adrian Fenty
Huh? I strongly object to Mayor Fenty being labeled a "hero." The man is a politician. Some people love him. Others not so much. No matter what one thinks of the man, calling him a hero is a gross exaggeration.
Here's how hurting the District is for a real hero: the runner-up in this vote was Marion Berry.
Marion Berry: The second most heroic person in the District.
Pardon the politically incorrect language, but that is the most retarded thing I have ever read in my entire life.
Best Place to Take an Out-of-Towner
National Mall
Jesus Christ on the Cross. The horrible thing is that I recently had a guest in town and he insisted I take him to the Mall. Ugh. It was the first time I had been to the monuments since I moved down here in 2001. It is the last place I would think to take an out-of-towner.
People here are so eager to complain about DC being more than just a federal city. More than just the monuments. But when push comes to shove, that's exactly what we are. A city that's got some tourist crap.
National Mall
Jesus Christ on the Cross. The horrible thing is that I recently had a guest in town and he insisted I take him to the Mall. Ugh. It was the first time I had been to the monuments since I moved down here in 2001. It is the last place I would think to take an out-of-towner.
People here are so eager to complain about DC being more than just a federal city. More than just the monuments. But when push comes to shove, that's exactly what we are. A city that's got some tourist crap.
Best R---kins Player
Sean Taylor
Sean Taylor is actually the worst R***kin. It's science. A good safety runs at least a 4.6 40-yard-dash. Sean Taylor's 40 time: Infinity. Or as fast as the worms will move him. Why not vote for Sammy Baugh? He's at least alive.
Obnoxious Staff Picks:
Sean Taylor
Sean Taylor is actually the worst R***kin. It's science. A good safety runs at least a 4.6 40-yard-dash. Sean Taylor's 40 time: Infinity. Or as fast as the worms will move him. Why not vote for Sammy Baugh? He's at least alive.
Obnoxious Staff Picks:
Best Front Desk Operators
Carolyn Taylor, Alice Bell, and Doreatha Williams at the Calverton
Really, WCP? Your staff went to every aparment and dorm with front desk operators and these three came out the winners? Or did you just pick the front desk people that you were most familiar with?
Carolyn Taylor, Alice Bell, and Doreatha Williams at the Calverton
Really, WCP? Your staff went to every aparment and dorm with front desk operators and these three came out the winners? Or did you just pick the front desk people that you were most familiar with?
Best Panhandler
Blelvis
Blelvis
Best Street Performer
Robert Triolo
Same complaints. There are so many front desk operators, street performers, and panhandlers. Why include these categories when any discerning reader knows you're pulling these names out of a hat? Why can't they just call these the WCP's Favorite Things instead of using the word "best"? They're implying that they know better than us. They don't.
Robert Triolo
Same complaints. There are so many front desk operators, street performers, and panhandlers. Why include these categories when any discerning reader knows you're pulling these names out of a hat? Why can't they just call these the WCP's Favorite Things instead of using the word "best"? They're implying that they know better than us. They don't.
Best Way to Get to DCA for Free and Park for Nothing
Ride your bike
FUCK YOU! You could say that about every single fucking place within 20 miles of the city. You know what else is an easy way to get to DCA for $1.65 and park for nothing? I'll give you three guesses, you morons.
Goods & Services
I don't really care about the best plastic surgeon, best tattoo parlor, best shoe store, or any of that junk. But, this:
Ride your bike
FUCK YOU! You could say that about every single fucking place within 20 miles of the city. You know what else is an easy way to get to DCA for $1.65 and park for nothing? I'll give you three guesses, you morons.
Goods & Services
I don't really care about the best plastic surgeon, best tattoo parlor, best shoe store, or any of that junk. But, this:
Best Bank
Bank of America
WTF!? I have never met a single person who was happy with BoA. There is no city in America where BoA could be considered the best bank.
God I hate the WCP Staff Picks:
Bank of America
WTF!? I have never met a single person who was happy with BoA. There is no city in America where BoA could be considered the best bank.
God I hate the WCP Staff Picks:
In Depth: Best Coffee Tables for Oddly Shaped Rooms
Skynear Designs, Design Within Reach, Mitchell Gold + Bob Williams
Skynear Designs, Design Within Reach, Mitchell Gold + Bob Williams
In Depth: Best Suburb for Vintage Chic
Polly Sue's Vintage Shop, Moonshadow Antiques & Vintage
Polly Sue's Vintage Shop, Moonshadow Antiques & Vintage
Best Shoe Shopping for the Guy Who Hates Shoe Shopping
Leesburg Corner Premium Outlets
Leesburg Corner Premium Outlets
Best Place to Have Your Mom Buy You Slacks
Westfield Shoppingtown Montgomery
What the Hell does any of this mean? Shouldn't these lists be enlightening? This isn't enlightening. It's horribly masturbatory.
Although it would pretty great if Westfield Shoppingtown put up a sign that said "2008 Best Place to Have Your Mom Buy You Slacks."
Westfield Shoppingtown Montgomery
What the Hell does any of this mean? Shouldn't these lists be enlightening? This isn't enlightening. It's horribly masturbatory.
Although it would pretty great if Westfield Shoppingtown put up a sign that said "2008 Best Place to Have Your Mom Buy You Slacks."
Best Place to Determine Where You Land on the Kinsey Scale
Results the Gym
Haha, gay jokes, lol.
Then the WCP does something called "Archetypes." I dare you to read this without wanting to punch this smarmy motherfucker right in the nose.
Now, I'm no DC expert. I'm sure there are a thousand legitimate gripes with this list that I'm missing. I would be honored if you would leave those gripes in the comments.
But the most important gripe is this: The Washington City Paper was, is, and will remain an absolute joke. Their work is shoddy. Their articles are the worst kind of tripe. And their hipper-than-thou attitude that looks down on their readership is little more than pure obnoxiousness on the page. I actually feel pretty badly for giving them so many page views.
So please let them have it. I'm leaving the comments open to everyone. Last time this happened it took 12 hours before some asshole was dropping n-bombs. Please do not be that asshole.
Results the Gym
Haha, gay jokes, lol.
Then the WCP does something called "Archetypes." I dare you to read this without wanting to punch this smarmy motherfucker right in the nose.
Now, I'm no DC expert. I'm sure there are a thousand legitimate gripes with this list that I'm missing. I would be honored if you would leave those gripes in the comments.
But the most important gripe is this: The Washington City Paper was, is, and will remain an absolute joke. Their work is shoddy. Their articles are the worst kind of tripe. And their hipper-than-thou attitude that looks down on their readership is little more than pure obnoxiousness on the page. I actually feel pretty badly for giving them so many page views.
So please let them have it. I'm leaving the comments open to everyone. Last time this happened it took 12 hours before some asshole was dropping n-bombs. Please do not be that asshole.
Rusty you could have made your point with just this:
ReplyDeleteBest Place to Stop While Driving Anywhere Worth Going- Sheetz
That about sums it up. Sheetz is Shiitz. Their lines are ridiculously long and their customers are scary. Wawa on the other hand rules.
btw, maybe you should just refer to the city paper as the shitty paper in future posts.
ReplyDeleteRusty-
ReplyDeleteYou area douche.
However, you are correct, the City paper does suck the worst kind of suck ever.
s.eth,
ReplyDeleteI love Sheetz.
That is all.
I liked the Mall. Saw it once, crossed it off the "bucket list," and moved on.
ReplyDeleteSQUAGLE!
ReplyDeleteBut Matt! Surely you preferred jumbo slices and 50 cent beers to the Lincoln Monument!
ReplyDelete1. Sheetz is awesome. They change the "s" to a "z" at the end of, like, every word. They were doing that before the practice was appropriated by hip-hop culture.
ReplyDelete2. I'm not sure why, but "Sean Taylor is actually the worst R***kin. It's science. A good safety runs at least a 4.6 40-yard-dash. Sean Taylor's 40 time: Infinity." is the funniest fucking line I've read in a month.
Well played.
"Best Way to Get to DCA for Free and Park for Nothing: Ride your bike."
ReplyDeleteFor cyring out loud.
Oh okay. I'll just balance my roller luggage on my head while I peddle over the 14th street bridge during rush hour. And if I'm picking someone up, I'll have them ride on my handlebars. And where exactly do you put your bike when you get there?
Yeah, I'm with you on the pretentious staff picks; they're nauseating.
ReplyDeleteThe Piola thing is puzzling. I actually do think they have a really great happy hour (free food, cheap sangria), but best restaurant? They're a pizza place. I like them, but come on; I also live two blocks away. Best dessert? I didn't even know they had dessert. And every time I go there, the place is half empty - who exactly is voting for it?
My favorite was when they did those little nuggets on Washington's greatness written by the readers (I can't find those articles online). The one guy who said he lived in Washington all his life mentioned how he missed Columbia Hospital for Women, which he said was now a GW dorm, which it certainly is not. It's a Trader Joe's and a bunch of high-end condos.
ReplyDeleteNice to see they gave their fact-checkers the week off. Or laid them off. Either way, not exactly "shunning mediocrity."
asshattery. [linguistic swoon]
ReplyDeletethe best dim sum in DC can be found 2.5 hours north in philly.
ReplyDeletei mean, that's practically nova...
piola isn't even the best restaurant in rosslyn.
ReplyDeleteI went to Piola tonight and there's a large note on the bottom of my receipt to vote for Piola on washingtoncitypaper.com.
ReplyDeletei interned in DC one summer and Ihate DC also. i love your blog.
ReplyDeleteWell yes, they were better but still, if you're only going once, see the mall to say you've seen it, then move you. You can always get 50 cent beer later.
ReplyDeleteI got a DC thing pissing me off today. Caps and Wizards playoff games at the same exact time, again... Couldn't the NHL and NBA get together on this one? Can't all powerful Comcast do something. Fuckin a...
ReplyDeleteThe CP used to piss me off, but hoenstly, I can't be bothered to complain about it anymore because DCist has made it completely obsolete for my needs.
ReplyDeleteEven though the CP has always had a touch of exclusionary elitism to its editorial focus, it's gotten worse in the past two or three years as the paper has convinced itself that its an actual news source.
I liked it so much better when the CP regularly devoted their front page profiles to weirdos, homeless people and oddballs. It wasn't news, but at least it was amusing.
I'm with you on the NOVA pick. I'd shoot myself in the head before I lived in NOVA. Or went there for fun.
ReplyDeleteBut I have to disagree on the Malcolm X Park drum circle. I lived right across 16th for a year, and even though they occasionally bothered my Sunday morning hangover, I thought they were kind of cute.
Anyway, I gave up on the City Paper when their reporter investigating women getting harassed on the street decided to do it himself. Just to see what it's like! Asshole.
Ben's Chili Bowl is terrible. To their credit, though, it's a tough pick between Black Eyes and Q & Not U for best band that should get back together. If you're into that hipster shit. They have cred?
ReplyDeleteIt's basically a poor version of Seattle's weekly The Stranger anyway.
Rusty is a douche ...
ReplyDeleteBest independent movie theatre???? I'm bothered that they even put that category in at all considering that the Biograph and the Key are long dead and gone. I remember when DC used to be cool. It had character and funkiness. Now it is becoming a suburb and it makes me sad. It also makes a real best of list impossible.
ReplyDeleteThe Stranger's staff wouldn't wipe their asses with the City Paper -- even if their asses were distended, dingleberryed and the CP was the only thing around.
ReplyDeleteI find it pretty hilarious that so many focus on assigning arbitrary bull-laden descriptions of people as 'elitist', yet the same clowns insist that living in NOVA is akin to shooting yourself in the head. In all reality, DC is a f'n dump and it's "hot" areas are infested with crime, self-absorbed hill wankers, and others who can't seem to muster the reality of anything worth experiencing outside the city.
ReplyDeleteDistrict Proper isn't Manhattan...and NOVA isn't Brooklyn. Get a grip on yourself and venture outside your comfort zone. Assigning elitism to those at the city papers for all their hipster bs is meaningless when you simultaneously refuse to drive over a river b/c "it's not DC." Clowns.
"I find it pretty hilarious that so many focus on assigning arbitrary bull-laden descriptions of people as 'elitist', yet the same clowns insist that living in NOVA is akin to shooting yourself in the head. In all reality, DC is a f'n dump and it's "hot" areas are infested with crime, self-absorbed hill wankers, and others who can't seem to muster the reality of anything worth experiencing outside the city.
ReplyDeleteDistrict Proper isn't Manhattan...and NOVA isn't Brooklyn. Get a grip on yourself and venture outside your comfort zone. Assigning elitism to those at the city papers for all their hipster bs is meaningless when you simultaneously refuse to drive over a river b/c "it's not DC." Clowns."
Sweet. That's exactly what I came on here to say.
I have lived in (and passionately hated) Orange Line Arlington so I can see where you're coming from there but there's more to "Not DC" than a 5 mile strip of Wilson Blvd (which by the way a lot of the more "authentic" DC neighborhoods are starting to resemble in near facsimile).
There are several great little neighborhoods in the greater DC area where you don't pay a 20%+ rent premium for the "privilege" of having a DC address. Where businesses are actually locally owned on more than the rare "Best of DC" occasion, where you can walk to just about everything you need, or to the Metro to get elsewhere. I could go on, or make a list of these places but if you're too lazy to discover them on your own, or more likely, too elitist and self-absorbed to even consider setting a foot out of your 60 square mile box (80% of which you write off as "ghetto") then I really, really, really don't want you for a neighbor.
Scrapple.
ReplyDelete