The saying in question is "A Democrat is a Republican who hasn't been mugged yet." That saying was a lot cuter before I got mugged 13 hours ago in front of my house.
I thought crime couldn't touch me in Friendship Heights. I guess I've been spoiled by living in Upper Northwest for so long.
Anyways, here's the story.
My roommate and I were walking from a friend's house after the Celtics game. We're almost home when an impeccably dressed (slim black shirt, nice jeans, fancy sandals) Hispanic kid (5'8", black spiky hair) wearing sunglasses puts his hands on our shoulders. I figured it was a lost drunk looking for directions home.
Then he shows us the barrel of a (presumably fake) handgun and tells us no sudden movements. Roommate puts his hands up and the mugger empties his pockets. I do the same. He grabs my wallet from my left pocket.
I won't let him touch my right pocket. It was part outrage and part selfishness. I'm on iPod number three and cell phone number three. I don't need this bullshit. I know they say to let the mugger get what they want so no one gets hurt, but, no. I am not going to allow myself to be victimized. And if he was willing to shoot me, he might be willing to shoot me even if I cooperate. It may have been stupid, but I feel better now for having taken a stand. Of course if I were dead it would have been a moot point.
So I tell him no. He tells me he isn't playing. He calls for his getaway driver who sprints out of a white, newish Nissan with Maryland tags. The second criminal has his face covered except for his eyes. He had a dark complexion, but couldn't tell if he was black or Hispanic.
There was a fair bit of pandemonium here so I decided to book it and sprint the ten yards to my house to call the cops.
I made it about 10 feet before falling over. Damn you, klutziness!
The mugger pounces on top of me and starts throwing punches. My four years of karate training come in handy and I block them. My roommate throws him off of me and the naranjas del mecanismo sprint towards their car and speed off towards Western Avenue. I call the police.
They got twenty bucks from my roommate. Three bucks from me. The mugger ran out of his fancy sandals and left them behind to be taken by the police as evidence. So, the whole experience was a net negative for them. Ha!
And, because it's DC, the first police car on the scene went to the wrong block. That was about as predictable as the sunrise.
To be fair, the police were excellent. They were courteous and attentive. There were also a lot of them. Fifteen minutes after calling for help, there were five police cars on our quiet little block. I declined the officers' offer of an ambulance ride from my defensive wounds (sprained thumb, bruised wrist) and they were on the scene for a good three hours.
The shit that bugs me is the stress that comes afterwards. When I was showering I thought the house was empty. When I heard noises downstairs I was convinced the muggers were back to finish the job. It was just a new roommate moving her stuff in. I hope I get over that.
Also, losing a driver's license and my two bank cards is bad news, but it's not the end of the world. Losing a Social Security card is something else entirely. My number will be on file in the Bethesda Criminal Underworld for the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do about it.