DC Douche Quiz, part two: The Carpet Baggers

When you step into an elevator with other people, you feel compelled to:

(a) Say something pleasant to each person there.

(b) Look at the ceiling and sigh because they are in your space.

(c) Hum a little tune or read your paper. So you seem sociableish but won't be asked to talk.

When waiting for a bus, you often:

(a) Ask everyone else standing there how long they think it will take.

(b) Call the number listed on the sign to complain that the drivers are NOT adhering to the SCHEDULE.

(c) You don't do buses.

Your hair is generally:

(a) The result of much effort and shine enhancing spray/gel (depending on gender).

(b) Six to eight months out from the last trim.

(c) One of your biggest expenses, but you'd never admit it.

You apply for jobs/internships that you hope will:

(a) Allow you to fill your life-long dream of helping every person in the world. A lot.

(b) Allow you to fill your life-long dream of being a Michael P. Keaton smarty pants type.

(c) Allow you a little breathing room from your parent's pressure to get a job.

You get upset in public when:

(a) The metro employee is mean even though you totally MEANT to put money on your card.

(b) The service employee requests you to follow a policy you are breaking specifically because it doesn't make SENSE.

(c) It's unacceptable to be upset in public. Or ever.

Generally, you perform volunteer service by:

(a) Showing up at the occasional homeless shelter.

(b) Joining a complicated and elite program reserved for volunteer MBAs from "the best" schools.

(c) Showing up at your family's annual benefit.

You found your apartment through:

(a) A Craig's List ad that emphasized, "Sociable," "Fun," and "Under 24."

(b) A Craig's List ad that emphasized, "Vegetarian or Vegans-only" and "Weekly group meetings."

(c) Your family keeps a place here.

You brag about gaining "issue expertise," but your job really involves

(a) Filing correspondence and mailing form letters.

(b) Making up things to pretend to be doing in between times you follow your boss to meetings where, you suspect, the participants made up an excuse to have a meeting so they could pretend they have something to do.

(c) Locating illicit substances and providing alibis for semi-important family friends.


  1. I'm no Bill Shakespeare but these posts seem to inhabit neither rhyme nor reason.

  2. What exactly is Liz trying to say here?

    A. Successful people suck.

    B. I aspire to be successful (and, thus, to suck).

    C. I'm a little teapot, short and stout....

  3. You are the Seltzer/Friedberg of blogger. "Hey, everyone hated this idea the first time, lets do it again!"

  4. Also, scoring is roughly this.

    If you answer the quiz, you are a douche and should probably kill yourself.

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. michael j. fox played alex p. keaton...not michael p. keaton.

    awwww....i'm a douche!

  7. what does this have to do with d.c.? i come to this blog for posts about d.c.-specific douchiness, not generic douchiness. i demand more regional douche analysis!


  8. What happens if you dabble in all of the options? I didn't notice any "all of the above" for those of us who are socially awkward.

  9. Come on Liz, it's been entertaining but how about a little more DC, a little less Douche Quiz?

  10. The story about the people on the bus w/ the cell phone and the black guy that got blamed and then got mad at all of the jerks was the best story of all.

    Look. Even *I* am getting tired of the word "douche." This post earns a D minus.

  11. well, it looks like my chance to buy a house with no down payment is gone forever. any advice out there?

  12. Hooray. Now I know what it sounds like when blogs die.

  13. Ding dong the witch is dead, witch is dead, witch is dead. Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead......

  14. I think Rusty had this planned all along. Leave DC and pretend to pick somebody qualified to run the blog based on her essay related to DC hatred. But instead, just give the admin account and password to some random person who has no business running a blog. Let her ramble on incoherently and alienate the readership of the blog. In the final death throes of the blog, make sure posts are about "douches" to get back at the people who relentlessly called Rusty a douche.

    In Liz's latest posting series, none of the survey questions even relate back to the DC experience, other than the fact you may find people like this in DC. You may find people like this in Chicago, San Fran, or Schenectady.

    This was a fun little blog good for a few minutes' worth of commiserating with other DC residents. Rusty ended up getting it published in the Washington Post and the Washingtonian.

    Too bad the good will was squandered so quickly.

  15. If you are done with the blog, then please hand it over to someone who can post regularly. Please.

  16. Liz,

    I really think you should let me guest post. Jorge, too. Right, Jorge?

  17. Gimme gimme gimme....I have so much hate to share with the world

  18. This blog is cricket chirp city.

    Who is the less qualified woman?

    Liz as blogger?

    Sarah Palin as VP?

  19. This blog is the Bernie Mac of blogs (was funny once, now it is dead)

  20. Rusty come back....
    You can blame it all on me
    I was blind
    But I just can't live without you...

  21. Liz,

    If you are done posting to the blog, please give it to someone else. Many many people come here to bitch about DC, and without a poster to stimulate the debate, this forum is dead.

    You may hate some of the posters (I'm sure you hate me) but at least respect the community that has been spawned by this blog.

  22. Does anyone even know Liz personally? Could Liz just be Rusty?

    I just blew my own mind

  23. OMFG. If you read her name differently it sounds like "LIES". Rusty is Liz. Liz is Rusty. We've all been a pawn in some grad school thesis all along.

    Seriously though. What is some angry troll did something with her? What if she is tied up in some basement in Capital Heights being held for ransom until James or Rusty comes back.

    She should respond to a comment so we know she hasn't been "Chandra'd".

  24. betrayed by rain, dc's idea of motorists, and the bus again.

    caught the bus from bethesda after running errands there. as usual with
    my luck on the wretched, ever-full J2 -- a bus that serves a route that
    needs a rail line, which rich golfers keep killing -- it was hideously
    packed. i was standing with a shoulder bag and 2 grocery bags.
    maryland's all-democrap politicians like their golf and sleazy donations
    as much as anybody else, hence no cross-county rail.

    i noticed with dread on the E-W highway, as a light drizzle fell, that
    the opposite direction was flowing quite smoothly while we were inching
    along. oh yeah, i knew long before the bus, police car, and two damaged
    cars came into sight that some southern-fried numb nuts had been so
    unhinged by the tinkling drizzle that he had forgotten how to brake and
    had crashed his car. into a bus.

    then, to cap this afternoon of i-hate-this-place, our bus broke down.
    apparently making a scheduled stop on an upgrade was enough to ruin its
    transmission. the driver couldn't move it out of park or neutral.
    now we were TWO buses, a police car, and two damaged cars clogging one
    lane of the E-W highway.

    after several minutes of me and my fellow miguels dying like sailors
    trapped in a depth-charged submarine, he let us out to trudge through
    the goddamn drizzle -- in a semi-fortunate break, a mere several hundred
    yards uphill to my waiting bike.

    why the F---- am i here? solely b/c of a paycheck. it rains too goddamn
    much. when it does, the country-fried banjo strummers all crash their
    cars. and it's not like we're ever going to have desert wildflowers or
    kelly-green oak grasslands after a rain, the way a certain state where i
    lived once does.

  25. Juice....A for effort....F for delivery

    Too dramatic and wordy, but I share your hatred for the bus. Unfortunately, that was Rusty's go to, and it just doesn't work when you try to emulate an experience that was borderline played out already.

    Liz...if you are alive, please give me the blog. I promise to have it home by 8...

  26. If you're looking for more complaints about D.C., please check out my blog. I try to post at least a couple times a week, my comments are open, and I value visitor input.


    -DC Rez, author of Dislike D.C.

  27. I think this was really just an awesome plan by some pissed off LNS-er to get back at Rusty and his readers.

    Enter essay under pen name of Liz (we still haven't seen this essay, so I can't evaluate it). Gain control of enemy's blog. Post incoherent crap and argue with what few readers are left. Drive blog into oblivion. Silence the masses and critics.

    Truly evil genius. Or Liz just sucks. Still, someone can't possibly be this bad and not realize it themselves.

    Have some self-pride Liz. Give up. Move on.

  28. You know what's awesome? Liz is probably sitting in her apartment with the notion that she "got" everyone with the last laugh. You showed us Liz. You showed us real good. Unfortunately, you are known as the one who killed the blog that garned city wide attention in the mainstream press. So Kudos for that.

  29. Hey Liz, shit or get off the pot.

  30. My new theory.....Liz is actually Sarah Pallin, which is why she can't post anymore...she is out campaigning. I mean think about it...both are completely unqualified to hold their position and both spew incoherent ramblings everytime they open their mouths.

  31. I think someone should call MPD and report Liz as a missing person. She might be dead or maybe in jail or... who cares.

  32. metroid

    And shit she has, all over this blog. I think it's time to get off the pot.

  33. I have a bad feeling that Liz recently went jogging in Rock Creek Park.

  34. it is very sad that liz has disappeared.
    we miss this blog; its absence is to be feared.
    we hope that liz will return someday to post
    about this detestable town, where all hope is toast.
    please let us get fat on our bile and hate
    let us always mourn dwelling here -- our fate!