The DC Douche Quiz

I compete with strangers on the train in made-up categories such as, "Better choice of walk-to-work-flip-flops," and "More contained hair toss." I compete with work colleagues, colleagues from grad school, "She got a job WHERE? Really? NO!" And - I am not proud - once googled every name I could remember from decades ago, to make sure no one is anywhere near as important a fellow graduate of Mrs. Powers' kindergarten class.

Even so, I am nice enough not to fight for seats on the metro. I also never yell at passing cars, passers by who are in my way, or service workers. Which in this town, has to put me in the top 20 percent of nicest citizens. (See what I just did there?)

I'm guessing half of the people reading this think I am crazy. The other half are already wracking their brains trying to top my stories with stories of their own competitive urges.

For these fellow sufferers, I have prepared a helpful quiz of unkind, anti-social or just spectacularly annoying traits which seem specific to the D.C. area.

You participated, as a candidate, in a student government election in any educational setting, including (and yes, I know several of these people) elementary school
5 points

You participated, as a candidate, in a student government election in any educational setting, LOST, and then ran again
Multiply the original 5 points by the number of failed attempts.

You have strong opinions on the current bus route schedule
5 points

You have strong opinions on the current bus route schedule, and you share these opinions with the bus driver while in the presence of multiple other passengers who really, really want you to shut the hell up
Multiply the original 5 points times by the number of fellow passengers who do not hit you. Add 10 more points if you do get slapped.

You correct strangers in public
5 points

You correct strangers in public on such non-public-safety related topics as, "Which country invented pastrami," "The best McDonalds in the city," or, "The name of the next metro stop."
10 points

You correct strangers in public, and you are wrong
Just go to hell

You own, read, or laughed at jokes repeated from something called a 'Pick Up Artist' manual
20 points

You wrote such a manual, or you introduce yourself in public as a 'Pick Up Artist
I would give you points for that shit but I know you haven't had sex with a non-plastic or non-passed-out woman in years, so nothing I can do will make you feel worse.

You forward mass emails sharing your political convictions to everyone in your contacts list
5 points

You write a cutesy email about how you don't appreciate mass emails, and then forward it to everyone in your contacts list
Do you GET what's wrong with that? Do you? Obviously not, so 20 points

You memorized a politics-related article before going out, and demand that every person you meet that night share some sort of opinion on the topic
20 points (unless it's an article I also read)

You wear an outfit copied, in total, from the J. Crew catalog to work.
5 points

You secretly believe you are a Malcolm Gladwell* "connector" of people.
5 points

You TELL PEOPLE you are a Malcolm Gladwell "connector" of people.
20 points

* Author of "Tipping Point," a book about the theory of making masses of people do what you want.


  1. What the hell part of DC are you hanging out in?

  2. Re: Gladwell: There you go again.

    You continue to fail to grasp the essential rules of comedy, which is that you do not, under any circumstances, explain your jokes.

    If it needs explaining, it is either (a) just not funny, or (b) only funny to a small group of people - giving your humor a cache that, while diskish, still provides select readers with a sense of exclusivity and a feeling of mutual understanding between you.

    Or you could just learn to use the damned hyperlink function.

  3. You feel the need to correct another person's blog post anonymously because of some 'arbitrary rules' of humor.

    10 points

  4. 1. Stopped wearing J. Crew five years ago.

    2. Kudos on the contained hair toss (something I'm always watching out for).

    3. Anyone taking the bus is a loser. If I ever find myself in such reduced circumstances again, I shall make mid-course corrections.

  5. "the theory of making masses of people do what you want"

    --THAT is what you got out of that book?

  6. Shiane,

    Touche, and congratulations. I am, in all probability, a douche.

    But why did you put the quotes around both the words "arbitraty" and "rules"? This makes no sense.

    You should have put the quotes around the word "rules" only.

    As written, however, you appear not to be mocking me and my dumb rules of comedy, but rather mocking the fact that you find the rules to be arbitrary.

    Correcting comments....That settles it. I'm totally a douche. Gimmie 20 more points.

    But I bet that we're both still funnier than Liz.

  7. re: the Gladwell explanation

    What the hell is this? Like you're displaying some sort of elite knowledge here? Gladwell is a well known pop culture phenomenon for faux-intellectuals. I guess I shouldn't expect any less from Liz.

  8. Anonymous: Liz is trying to tell us that she visits Barnes & Nobles at least twice a month. :)

  9. So I scored 35 points. Am I a douche or not? You could have put some sort of explanation of what the points meant so I would know - like in those sex quizzes in Cosmo that I used to do when I was a teen because they gave me a boner.

  10. I agree on one of the points: J. Crew. It means you are poor and trying to emulate something that you're not. You should be picking up a pair of Nantucket reds from Murray's Toggery Shop on your summer trip to the Cape, not from a mall in NOVA.

    Carry on.

  11. I scored 35 It was that damn middle school election's fault that I surpassed a comfortable 30. Plus I already knew I was probably the female equivalent of a douche...whatevs that is.

  12. I think is is what liz was going for, expect this guy does it much better.

    Kind of odd they both popup on DC blogs on the same day.


  13. metroid is the ultimate dc douche on this blog so far.

    personally, i can't believe anyone would ever wear nantucket reds no matter where they're from. those are the most hideous fuckin pants in the world.

  14. And I only scored a 5 on this little quiz for my short-lived career in student government.

  15. Further reasons to be afraid of our favorite DC subgroup:


    I really hope the victims come through OK. This is disgusting.

  16. Can someone please tell me what is going on at this blog? I am so confused.

  17. This blog sucks.

    DC sucks.

    All the people in DC suck.

    You all suck.