My Mugger v. My Ex Boss

Too often, we fear the lightning-bolt risk - the plane crash, the identity theft, the stranger abduction - over more prosaic but statistically more-likely threats. In D.C., we let worries about crime force us into racist and classist segregation. Yet, as eager and ambitious youths, many of us volunteer to spend most of our daylight hours with people who really, really suck. God forbid we live within range of Georgia Ave. But show us a sadistic idiot with an administrative assistant opening, and we FIGHT to work on his bandwagon. (For free, of course).

To illustrate this idea, here's a side-by-side comparison of my mugger and my ex-boss, measured in several categories that I made up to prove my point.

Favorite Catch Phrase

Mugger: Hey Chica! Over here!
Ex-Boss: Same.

Edge: It's a draw.

Annoying Habit

Mugger: Grabbing at my purse.
Ex-Boss: Employing supposed "rapport building technique" of mimicking EVERY DAMN HAND GESTURE MADE BY THE PERSON SEATED ACROSS FROM HIM.

Edge: Mugger.

Helpful Suggestion

Mugger: Something that sounded like, "You should eat your father in HELL." (My Spanish is bad).
Ex-Boss: "You should buy more porn."

Edge: Have to give this one to the boss.

Work Ethic

Mugger: Out prowling the streets at all hours.
Ex-Boss: In by 10 a.m. almost every morning. Often worked right through til lunch.

Edge: Mugger.

Attempted Haul

Mugger: Tried to grab a purse containing some insured credit cards and three tubes of lip gloss.
Ex-Boss: Tried to keep half of last two paychecks, all unused vacation time and some personal items kept at the office; claimed "record keeping error" when contacted by attorney.

Edge: Mugger again.

Long-term Risk Posed to Society

Mugger: May grab a few more wallets.
Ex-Boss: May breed.

Edge: Mugger. Oh lord god in heaven. It's sooooo the mugger.

Well there you go. My parents cringed at the thought of my riding the bus with, gasp, illegals. But they were EXCITED that I could have the opportunity to spend a large chunk of every day locked in a room with a jackass who started every other conversation with, "I know some people will say I shouldn't talk about something like this at work, but...heh..." Clearly they are stupid and I should move to Galludet and use the money I save on rent to buy better-quality beer.


  1. I'm still chafing about the illegal alien who scratched my car's paint the other day (and the Hispanic guys who just HAVE to give you the stare-down even if it's 8:30 in the damn morning, too early for that macho bullshit)....


    Great post. And how hard is it to write better than Rusty anyway, you?

  2. And, yes, except for the one that killed Chandra Levy (before your time), illegal aliens are generally not dangerous.

    I once tried to buy street drugs from one but he explained (through an interpreter) that he was merely selling fake green cards. OMG, I was SO embarrassed.

  3. Yes we get it M@, you don't like non-whites. Jesus fucking Christ.

  4. m@ you look like you smell bad

  5. I have NO problem with non-whites. I just enjoy living in a neighborhood where I don't face constant hostility from folks who hate ME.

    I hate to keep using this as a defense, but I'm voting for Obama. And I'll vote for him again in 2012. I met him once and he was a really nice guy, never mind his energy policy.


  6. Are you sure they hate you because you're... white?

  7. So you're an administrative assistant who can't spell simple words such as "lightning"? This explains a lot.

  8. Get a pistol - it's legal now - & use it. It's the only real defense people have in DC.
    Get a pistol - & use it.

  9. I used to live just off Georgia Avenue. The people were fine (I never got mugged.) But you know what, it's depressing living somewhere where the few trees are all spindly struggling five year olds, the buildings are falling apart, and there is not a single sit-down restaurant or store other than cheap dollar store within walking distance.

    The reason people don't want to live in bad neighborhoods is not (necessarily) because they're racist, it's because those neighborhoods are not very pleasant places to be. Duh.

  10. Anon - So why do you think these neighborhoods aren't getting a starbucks again?

  11. M@,

    You are seriously the most prgressive person I have ever encountered. How does it feel carrying the weight of voting for **gasp** a black man? I envy you.

  12. M@, I used to think you might be alright. But with your announcement that you're voting for the Obamessiah, I just think you're as much of an idiot as the rest of the cult members in this city.

  13. Obamessiah? That's clever. You're witty. Was Nobama already taken?

    Now run off to Rants and Raves on CL with the rest of your ilk.

  14. LMAO @ I'm voting for Obama. That's a good one, m@. Guess what? I'm not racist, either, I have TWO black friends. They're pretty smart, and speak perfect english too!

  15. Here is why I Hate DC.

    "Thank you again for confirming this for me, it helps me when we gather at nights to do our "kill-whitey" rituals."

  16. Race has nothing to do with why those neighborhoods aren't getting a Starbucks. It all has to do with the high number of theft and crime in some of those areas. If you had 500,000 to start a business, would you put it in Suitland or Tyson's Corner?

  17. So all these crime-ridden, undesirable neighborhoods just HAPPEN to be full of brown-to-beige people because why, again? I agree Georgetown is safer than Georgia Ave, but you don't even seem curious as to how this result occurred.

    Are you saying brown people steal more? Or that no one wants to put a starbucks in a neighborhood of brown people because they steal? Do you think there are people who want to live in the supposedly "bad" neighborhood and have to leave because of the lack of services and crime? Do you think the people who grew up in the "bad" neighborhood feel completely welcome when they move into Silver Springs?

  18. "Silver Springs"

    HA! Within that phrase lies the fastest way to find yourself a transplant. God bless all of those individuals who have made the time to form and voice a whole bunch of strong opinions, but haven't yet bothered to read a metro map.

    I think I'm going to start calling this city the District of Columbias.

    Pretty ignorant sounding, isn't it?

  19. "Are you saying brown people steal more? Or that no one wants to put a starbucks in a neighborhood of brown people because they steal?"

    I'm saying that people in bad neighborhoods steal more. That bad neighborhood could be a predominately black or white neighborhood, and being from the Midwest myself, I have seen plenty of bad white neighborhoods. I wouldn't put my business in any bad neighborhood regardless of the racial makeup. There are certain places in PG County that a well-funded business would thrive, and I'd be happy to locate there. It has nothing to do with race.

  20. "Silver Springs."

    Or Spring.

    Whatever. People getting super-gleeful about that stupid 's' is a pretty good reason to hate this place.

  21. "People in bad neighborhoods steal more..."

    Yes. And in this city, our bad neighborhoods are predominantly ethnic, our non-white citizens are the majority, and the majority of people in our good neighborhoods are white. Hence the post in the first place.

  22. No glee in a stupid name.

    But a LOT of glee in calling out people who hate on this area with some self-professed sense of authority, despite not actually knowing the basics.

    I mean, shit, it's not like anyone expects you to spell Occoquan correctly. But the basics on the inside the beltway suburbs would be a nice gesture.

  23. Hello? Liz? Hello? New post please?
    Rusty? Anyone?

  24. Seriously... we're on the rate of what, 1 posting a week and this is what we have to look forward to?

    Can we have another essay contest?

  25. AnonymousJune 12, 2009

    Brown people definately do steal more. I went to my friends wedding (an Indian wedding), everyone there was Brown except the people at my table. Two of our cameras were stolen off the table. I mean come on now, its a wedding! You shouldnt have to worry about your stuff being taken. My friend and her mom (who are Indian) told me that you always have to watch your stuff around brown people. They were so embarrased.