This introduction was supposed to be brief, but I kind of got carried away...

Hello! My name is Rusty and I'm here to replace the highly-esteemed and Seattle-bound James F.

My story goes something like this:
-Go to school in DC to pursue politics.
-Immediately abandon political dreams to avoid dealing with ladder-climbing jackasses.
-Write a column in the American University student news paper.
-Graduate and get an entry-level job.
-Create a crappy and unpopular blog. (How unpopular you ask? A reader once had this to say about me: "You have no respect for the dead. I doubt the announcement of your death will even reach a paper, let alone the hearts of anyone else. Fuck you.")
-Win an arbitrarily decided essay contest.

A true recipe for success!

Right now I'm living in tony Cathedral Heights. In a few days, unless something goes horribly wrong, I'll be moving to the Silver Spring/Takoma Park area. This move means I will depend on both the subway and bussing to get from my house to my friends and my job. I'm sure that will create enough fodder for a million DC-hating blogs.

The entry-level job is located in the beautiful Golden Triangle area of Dupont Circle. Recently, the creator of the "Golden Triangle Business Improvement District" blew her brains out. I refuse to accept that this is a coincidence.

My job title is "legal assistant." My business cards say "administrative assistant." Needless to say, no one ever sees my business cards. My job consists of answering phones and running errands for the boss. Here's a typical day:

Boss: "Rusty, PDF this for me!"
Rusty: "Aye, aye, cap'n!"

And then I will PDF that document with such fervor and authority that the scanner won't even know what hit it.

Since people reading this are probably big fans of James, it's only fair that I point out some differences between the two of us:

1. James has a car. I do not. So, I'm in no position to criticize traffic. But, this will lead to the aforementioned increase in bitching over the Metro. And, it's DC. Everyone knows about the shitty traffic anyways.

2. James has a wife. I do not. In fact, I've been involuntarily single for far too long. This means that ripping into the terrible DC dating scene is fair game. (i.e. "Fuck you, Georgetown girls. You are not better than me and your collars look ridiculous.")

3. James is James. I am not James. James was awesome. I don't know if I am awesome or not. If I am not meeting your blogging standards, I apologize. Please don't hesitate to tell me so at the e-mail address whyihatedc@yahoo.com. Of course, I expect a little bit of leeway so I can get my bearings straight.

Ok, that's it. True DC-hating will begin shortly. I hope you accept me into your hearts, minds, and monitors. And remember, at the end of the day, we all hate this city. If you can't love me, surely we can still share the hate together.


  1. Well done. A style more sly than James, but with real touches of humor.

    As a live New Orleans, the once and future coolest city in the country, I will depend on you to stoke my hatred of my former home.

  2. Uh, that should have read "As I live in New Orleans." Clearly I'm too sober to write. Off to the Le Bon Temps Roule to have a few rounds.