Are YOU a Washingtonian?

So the Washington Post is running a 300-word essay contest called “What Does It Mean to Be a Washingtonian?” It goes like this:

“We hope you will put your finger on the essential qualities and characteristics that define this region, from a ward in D.C. to a farm in Loudoun, and everywhere else in the area. We're not looking for simple descriptions of your neighborhood, for Christ’s sake shut up about your community garden already, but rather what you might say to someone who isn't from here about what living in the nation's capital means.”
Here’s the irony: Answer the way the Washington Post would like (all prim and proper) and you could win $100. *disco*

But answer the way YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD and you’ll get jack. At best they'll post your essay online with the other entries. And that just means some dickhead from a blog like “I Grow a Chub for DC,” cluttered with pics of row houses and urban scenery, will read it and respond with a post about how it’s absolutely inconceivable that anyone could hate Washington, D.C. (By the way, for bloggers who think themselves clever by asking why would someone who hates DC choose to stay and blog about it? I’ll deal with you retards another day).

Entries aren’t due until December 31st, so in the meantime The Post's website is featuring sample essays. As you can imagine, they're full of glowing praise for the city. Enough to make you puke. So far my favorite (in a creepy sort of way) is from columnist
John Kelly:
“You’re a Washingtonian if you are affected by the gravitational pull of the capital, if your routine or your mind-set is influenced by the unique rhythms and practices of the federal government.”
The gravitational pull of the capitol? The rhythms of the federal government? I do beleive Mr. Kelly means to be boned by the Washington Monument. Hard.

No srsly. Like, really hard.

Here’s another sample entry:
“There are a million little things that I love about this city, beginning with my daughters, who are Washingtonians. They were raised on puree I made from vegetables bought at the Sunday farmers' market at Dupont Circle.
For cryin’ out loud. I don’t even know where to begin with that one. Here’s another:
“Washingtonians have generous hearts.”
Take a moment to reflect on that statement. Okay, let's continue…
“Washingtonians have generous hearts. Everyone here is committed to social causes, either working for a nonprofit organization or giving a considerable amount of themselves or their wallets to doing good. Making a difference in the world seems to be our main preoccupation.”
Right. Everyone is committed to social causes, especially the good people at Child Protective Services or the DC Department of Disabilities.
"And let me pause to thank the originators of this contest for using the term "Washingtonians." We were raised to describe ourselves that way. "District of Columbia," "D.C.," "The District" - those phrases never passed our lips."
Whatever man. What. Ever. You may call yourself a Washingtonian, but everyone else thinks you're a jackass.

Sort through all the bullshit accolades for the city, and there’s only one guy, ONE GUY, who gets close:
"Washington, writes poet Kenneth Carroll, is a place where "hope and disappointment live uneasily on the same block, like natives and gentrifiers."
Kenneth Carroll FTW.


  1. "And let me pause to thank the originators of this contest for using the term "Washingtonians." We were raised to describe ourselves that way. "District of Columbia," "D.C.," "The District" - those phrases never passed our lips."

    THIS is the douchiest thing I have heard in a long time. Makes me want to chew glass to take the focus off my pain...

  2. Being a true Washingtonian is voting for Marion Barry while wearing your "Bitch Set Me Up" tee-shirt. Being a true Washingtonian is driving a BMW to your house in a "transitional" (dicey) neighborhood, bitching online about all the crime and trash in said neighborhood, and buying weed or blow from the drug dealer who around the corner. Being a true Washingtonian is a fine balance of both hating and loving the strange cultures that can barely exist together without killing each other yet depend on each other each other. We are hipster, suit, gangster, do gooder.

    We are irony.

  3. "Washingtonians have generous hearts..."
    and no manners.

  4. The gravitational pull of the Capitol?

    I believe it's called the Orange Line.

    The rhythm of the federal government?

    You get ten holidays off per year and two weeks of vacation, most of you.

  5. Meh! I'm a Chicagoan. Screw this swamp. I'm still trying to figure out how I got here. Oh, wait I remember now, heh. Hate DC, but love this blog, btw.

  6. First - Hey Friday! I was a big fan of your old blog, glad to see you've fired up the ole' keyboard again.

    Second - If "everybody" is so committed to social causes, why does most of the city still suffer from ridiculous amounts of drug abuse, crime and unemployment? Or, by "everybody," does the writer mean "socially liberal white people who live in the same gentrified neighborhood as me?"

  7. all the real washingtonians aren't here anymore

  8. You're a Washingtonian if you note the traffic is lighter when Congress out.

    A Washingtonian is from somewhere else, and buys tickets to the Redskins so they can cheer for Jets when they come to town.

  9. Momma missed this blog. This is promising.

  10. So incredibly glad that this blog is back on track.


  11. HRH King Friday XIII - now your talking...

    Only, srsly, could you bump up the font size of the blog text and give it a new look and feel; this blog needs a "Washingtonian" makeover.


    SRSLY, thanks.

  12. Thank you for saving whyihatedc! Even now that I have escaped DC, I still hate it and want to read about it!

  13. Anon-- I hear ya. I will do my best to restore the damage to the layout.

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  15. I am a Washingtonian because, I sweat like a whore during the summer months.

    I am a Washingtonian because, I tollerate a mass transit system that doesn't cover the city adequetly and gets more expensive every single year.

    I am a Washingtonian because, I hate the WASPs of Georgetown rather than the investment bankers of Wall St or the celebs of Beverly Hills.

    I am a Washingtonian because, I have to tollerate the worlds worst fucking drivers when there is even a forcast of bad weather.

    I am a Washingtonian because, I am still willing to over pay for a house by 20%.

    I am a Washingtonian because, I still can't find good pizza or Chinese food.

    I am a Washingtonian because, I come to places like this to bitch about the same out things with people who are stuck in the same dammed quagmire.

  16. "I am a Washingtonian because, I still can't find good pizza or Chinese food. "

    Sing it!

  17. fuck yeah HRH. today i laughed while reading this blog for the first time in weeks.

  18. I'm a Washingtonian because I'm a GIGANTIC CRYBABY ABOUT EVERYTHING.

    Er...I mean a blogger.

  19. Woo! Laughed out loud twice. The blog is back. I hope.

  20. HRH King Friday XIII, you are the BEST!

    Thanks for increasing the font size. Can't wait for the redesign.

  21. living in dc is being victimised by jerkwad criminals all the damn time and being called racist if you point out their never-changing pigmentation.

  22. You are a Washingtonian if you enjoy the AIDS rate which is matched only by sub-Saharan Africa, and a crime rate just slightly lower than Baghdad.

  23. "I am a Washingtonian because, I have to tollerate the worlds worst fucking drivers when there is even a forcast of bad weather."

    You could've stopped after "drivers."

  24. Being a true Washingtonian is living in DC when spoiled, whiny, white blogger brats lived elsewhere.

  25. "Real Washingtonians": hate Virginia, even if they're not really sure why (sorry, it's innate). Love the Redskins, although there was some disgruntlement when they let Art Monk go. Know the major bus routes. Don't care who on the Hill you work for, you're still a moron for standing on the left. (Please, how many staffers do you know who are actually from DC?) Don't really give a crap what you say about DC, because after all, it's you living here, not the other way around.

  26. Just the very phrase Washingtonian makes me sick to my stomach. This beastial fucking city is proud enough of itself to have essay contests about a pompous title no one uses?

  27. I like to refer to myself as a Washingtard. But it's better than being a Baltimoron or an Arlingtron.

  28. you should change your site to now.i.love.dc. obama has that effect, see.

  29. Haha, this is great. How did we all end up here? My only solace is making fun of all the Washingtards and their entitlement-driven, mcmansion-dwelling, Uber-consumer ways.

  30. These people aren't even Washingtonians. D.C. people don't GET to call themselves Washingtonians. Washingtonians are people from the STATE, not the douchebag "city."

    Here's what it means to be a REAL Washingtonian:

  31. True Washingtonians are from cities like Seattle and Spokane.