File Under: The Point is Moot

Fearful that a terrorist could hijack a metro train and run it better than they can, WMATA announced it may begin conducting random bag searches for weapons and explosives at indiscriminate stations.

I don't really have an opinion on this since I largely swore off using Metro a year ago. I guess my only beef is that Metro seems to be emphasizing prevention because they're incapable of MANAGING emergencies in the first place. They can't even manage their own disaster simulations without fucking up. Unless perhaps their failed simulations are just practice for fucking up in real life? Wrap your head around that next time you wait for a train.

The sad reality is that if shit ever goes down in this city, we're all gonna die. Metro riders especially. Imagine if something were to actually happen (Xenu forbid) on a crowded platform during rush hour. Do you think the guy in the booth is going to do anything? In all likelihood he won't even be in there. Your only hope for survival is a blast that kills enough people to lessen the violent stampede up the non-functioning escalators. Oh and lets not forget that when your train is stuck in a tunnel and the nerve gas starts seeping through the vents, only Verizon customers will be able to call their loved ones to say goodbye. The rest of us can return to our soduko puzzles apparently.

Yeah, it's all very FUBAR. On a happier note, the holidays are around the corner! I put the number of train jumpers at 3 this winter. Anyone?


  1. My question is how are they going to pay for this? Shouldn't they be focusing on the fact that Metro will be reaching capacity very soon? Though, if a terrorist attack does happen (we have better chances of being eaten by sharks in Dupont Circle), wouldn't that at least alleviate the capacity problem a little bit?

  2. Luckily I work near a station with 4 entrances - they can't possibly have bag searches at all of them at one time, knowing Metro. So when I refuse to have my bag searched at 7th & Maryland, I'll just walk over to DOT. Or I could just go to Federal Center SW.

  3. Fearful that a terrorist could hijack a metro train and run it better than they can...

    All shades of WIN!

  4. I don't plan on ever allowing a Metro police officer to search my bag. First of all, my gym bag is typically filled with dirty clothes and other embarrassing unmentionables. Second, the Metro police can go to hell, for all I care.

    Now, the article in the Post states that we'll be able to refuse search and turn around without being detained. And fortunately, each Metro has multiple entrances, be it escalators, elevators, whatever. Putting two and two together yet? Yeah, this is a loophole that you, me, and even the dumbest of terrorists will be able to take advantage of.

  5. Very astute observation, Toby and Kristen. Suspiciously astute.

    You guys 'terists?

  6. I blame the latinos.

  7. Best. Post. Ever.

    All Hail the King.

    There, I said it. Someone had to.

  8. If someone blows up a bomb in a Metro station, it'll be because they hate Metro, not because they hate America.

    This is among the more idiotic ideas I've heard lately. It's been demonstrated through random tests that TSA security measures are largely ineffective, and EVERYONE gets searched in these.

    So what possible reason is there to conduct random searches of Metro passegers? 800,000 people ride Metro every weekday. EIGHT. HUNDRED. THOUSAND.

    People who detonate bombs are not afraid to die. So why on earth would they be afraid of the remote chance of being stopped in a Metro during rush hour? And since you can just decline the search anyway, there's not even any risk of detainment!

    Umm. Yeah. I have a bomb, so go ahead and search my bag.

    Stupid with a capitol S.

  9. 800,000 is not really a lot of people.

    Once you start getting into the MILLIONS, now that is something to blog about.

    Not 800,000 though.

    800,000 is peanuts.

  10. I agree... 800,000 isn't that much. So probably we should just search everyone in the country, every day.

    Of course then you've got about a million people searching people every day, who's going to search them?

  11. But who searches those who are doing the searching? While searching, the ones we should be searching are not being searched because they are the ones doing the searching of those we do not need to be searched right?

    Ahh Fuck!!!

    I think I just confused myself.

  12. I suspect one is more likely to die by being hit by a Metrobus in a crosswalk rather than blown up on the orange line.

  13. I hope all the DC public school students start pushing and shoving DC transplants down the metrorail escalators.

    Sure, that means that half of my family will have to get pushed too.

    But oh well...

    I just think of it as being collateral damage.

    Nothing more. Nothing less.

    At least my other half of the family is not from some boring and unhip part of the country like the midwest.

    It must really realy really SUCK to be from there.

    IF I were from the midwest, I would have jumped off of the roof of a building by now. Head first.

  14. WTF, How did we get into midwest bashing?

  15. Fucking douchebags on the metrorail wearing their Nebraska Cornhuskers, Indiana Hoosiers and Kansas Jayhawks t shirts!!!

    If you midwestern idiots are so proud of where you come from...

    Well then why dont you all just go the fuck back then?

  16. King,

    I once had my car searched by two black Army guards at a checkpoint. After they failed to find explosives, they left my weed where I could easily find it. Nice guys.

  17. Just politicians and bureaucrats "doing something" to keep us safe. Cuz we all know that "doing something" is better than "doing nothing." Fuckers.

    You know, if there were a cabal of teutonically beautiful neo-Nazis trying to turn America into the 4th Reich, it would be kind of cool, in a horrifying way. We should be so lucky.

    Instead, it's a bunch of obese, pit-stained, neck-lanyard-wearing bureaucrats who are inadvertently backing us into totalitarianism in exactly the same way they inadvertently sat in the greasy take-out box they left on the couch. It won't even make for a good movie.

    I look forward to telling the non-terrifying non-jackbooted thug "No I do not consent to your unconstitutional search," waiting a few seconds while I don't get kicked and truncheoned to within an inch of my life, and then very non-gloriously slink in via another entrance. God, Americans really suck at fascism.

  18. Couldn't have written this one better myself.
    3 sounds good to me.

  19. Troll troll troll troll troll

    Too soon?

  20. No, you are a douche. Growing up in the Heartland gave us the courage to get out of the protection and shadow of our parents. Doesn't mean we aren't proud of where we came from, just would rather claim our own stake. You should try it "my dad is from dc and my mom is from nyc".

  21. Well go claim your own stake somewhere else!

  22. I have, now it's your turn.

  23. Hilarious. Love. Adore. Applause.