Graham Declares War on Pizza, Rationality

From the realm of completely ridiculous, Councilmember Jim Graham is at it again. The story has been a bit off the radar with the holiday, but Graham wants a "crackdown" on Jumbo Slice pizza in Adams Morgan.

WASHINGTON - A proposed crackdown on single-slice pizza sales in Adams Morgan has many patrons of the nightlife hot spot perplexed, especially considering the area's other issues, including violent crime.

But Ward 1 D.C. Councilman Jim Graham, who represents Adams Morgan, says the pizza parlors selling single slices along 18th Street, some of which are open until 4:30 a.m., are part of the problem when it comes a recent rash of street fights, stabbings, muggings and even a shootout involving two plainclothes police officers.

Others have made the "slice out of crime" joke, and even offered a few alternate suggestions. While things such as shutting down traffic on 18th Street (to allow for drunks to stumble in the street, ala Mardi Gras) are all well and good, I think they also miss the point. Enhancing Adams Morgan's partylike atmosphere is completely the wrong approach.

Graham thinks that people loitering around after the bars close causes crime. He's probably right. I'd venture to guess if you didn't have 25,000 idiot asshole drunks stumbling around an area, you'd have a whole lot less crime. If you want to Grahamstand and make a point, why not just advocate for revoking all liquor licenses on 18th Street. As crazy as it sounds, it actually sounds less crazy than suggesting that pizza is causing problems.

I'm not sure about the legality of dictating whether or not a restaurant can sell pizza by the slice or not. I imagine that instead the pizza places would have their operating hours restricted. The only impact this would have on Adams Morgan would be a bit less littering and possibly moving the "vomit radius" a bit further out.

I hope Graham can also restrict the operations of McDonalds, as late night Dollar Menu items might also be causing crime. Also, it's quite possible that the smoking ban is also contributing to the violence. The ban causes more people to have to spill out on the streets to smoke the cigarettes, making sidewalks more crowded.

And since, you know, crime in Adams Morgan has nothing to do with the presence of gangs over by 17th/Champlain/Marie Reed, etc. It has nothing to do with muggers having tens of thousands of dumbass drunks carrying around piles of cash and iPhones. It has nothing to do with the fact that Adams Morgan is not, has never been, and will mostly never be a safe area. No, of course it's none of those things.

Generally when you propose an outrageous, impractical, attention grabbing law... it's to make a point. A point that makes sense, or at least gets people to think. This is just stupid. If the Council actually entertains this idea, this is exactly why there's no hope in the world for ever fixing anything in this city.


"NO PIZZA! ONLY KLAU KALASH!"