6.04.2009

I wish the real world would just stop hasslin’ me

Hey, what better way to capitalize on a turning point in American history and the sudden rebirth of “cool” in Washington, DC (if all the fluff pieces are to be believed) than exploit a gaggle of barely legal twenty-somethings with a rowhouse full of alcohol and 18th Street as their playground?

The bets start now.

First “hipster” DC bar that will instantaneously lose hipster cred once the film crews set up: Wonderland. Start writing your obits now.

Days until they visit H Street NE: Ten. They’ll barely last a week and a half before they’re clamoring to play putt-putt in the hood.

Days until they visit Bloomingdale: NEVER. Deal with it, Bloomingdale! You are nothing but gang-bangers, former hippies and indie kids who need a good shave. Try not to get a cap in your ass when you’re walking 10 blocks home from the metro tonight.

First “DC resident” activity they’ll partake in: Start a blog with photos of neighborhood row houses as a backdrop.

Second “DC resident” activity they’ll partake in: Blog about how much DC sucks (but hey, it’s better than when Barry was in charge, right folks?)

First blog to provide proof of the Real World house (in the form of a heavily redacted copy of the lease) in the most prosaic, banal post on God’s green earth: Prince of Petworth. Hey, maybe there’ll be a PoPTrekker to search for the row house’s lease at city hall, too! Keeping my fingers crossed!

First blog to dig up evidence of a cast member’s criminal background: City Desk. Good to know their special Creative Loafing bailout will be going to good use.

First blog written by an old man who complains about these “damned kids” taking DC’s attention away from such pressing things as trapeze school and focusing on where the cast whores are drinking and by the way they totally need to get off the old man’s lawn: Farm Fresh Meat. If his whiny, “I hate Brightest Young Things because I’m too old and/or physically unappealing to go to their events” post is any indication, we can only expect more curmudgeonry.

First blog to snap photos of supposed cast members but it’s actually a bunch of interns looking to get high: 14th and You

First blog to snap actual photos of real cast members: Those insiders at DCist because they’re the only ones who will get a real press release and credentials.

First blog to write a Real World post that nobody will ever read or care about: DC Avenger (your mission statement sucks, by the way. The witty revolutionary banter ripped off from V for Vendetta and hot pink “kisses” tagline are about as interesting and hardcore as a stack of Avril Lavigne t-shirts at Hot Topic).

First blog to actually write a semi-interesting piece on the cast that doesn’t involve the word “change”: Going Out Gurus. The Washington Post site was clearly designed by a blind man on meth, but they’ve got good content when your eyes aren’t bleeding from the horrible set up.

23 comments:

  1. you're a bit behind the times on Wonderland, methinks. There's been a "backlash" for awhile

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  2. AnonymousJune 04, 2009

    tell that to the "see you next tuesday" hipster douchbag crowd

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  3. Hmmmm, I wonder if I can leverage my National Press Club credentials to get the scoop on this.....

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  4. Meh.

    Good call.

    And oh yea.

    F-u-c-k y'all.

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  5. The real world?

    Is that the thing I see when I turn off the TV and step outside?

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  6. AnonymousJune 05, 2009

    Whateva peeps, you know you watch it, or watched it, or are gonna watch it.

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  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  8. Hey, if there's one good thing about getting old, it's that you get to call people "damned kids" and tell them to get off your lawn.

    Whassa matter, did I hit you where it hurts? Nobody asked you to join Late Night Shots, huh, ANNE?? Have fun at your next BYT pool party/STD swap meet

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  9. Did they not teach you how to do permalinks at blogging school?

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  10. Er, hyperlinks, I mean.

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  11. Last year, a friend of a friend went through casting for the Real World DC...I figured since so much time had passed-it was dead but here it is, practically confirmed. When she was going through, I guess the producers were looking for politically active housemates, like campaign volunteers, young dems/repubs, etc. Basically setting this up to be everything an intern house is-lots of young democrats and the token republican! We'll see if they kept "politics" a big factor.

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  12. Funny you should say that. I actually have what I think is a Master's degree in Blogging.

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  13. Four words, people.
    Oh.
    Dear.
    Gawd.
    No.

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  14. We will never stop re-living the Barry dream.

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  15. PrettySmartJune 08, 2009

    The real question is, who will be the first blogger to sell their soul/morales and get an appearance on the show?

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  16. AnonymousJune 08, 2009

    Patients are supposed to scale down from Paxil. Quitting "cold turkey" places the patient at extreme emotional risk, possibly suicidal, as exhibited above.

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  17. AnonymousJune 09, 2009

    HAHA, I live in Bloomingdale.

    When will they visit Anacostia?

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  18. AnonymousJune 09, 2009

    i live in bloomingdale too. i may have to dodge bullets but at least we're safe from real world.

    to answer the question above. they will go to anacostia twice.
    First - to volunteer to teach kids or fix houses to show the world they really aren't completely soulless. they will then return to adams morgan, with souls elated from all the selflessness of the day, get arrested for public drunkenness, indecent exposure and/or assault.
    Second visit to anacostia - court ordered community service

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  19. They'll go to the Cat long before Wonderland, I think.

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  20. I'm going to throw money on an awning being placed down the sidewalk in the near future to literally put a lid on the gawking.

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  21. Wonderland, are you kidding? It'll be amazing if the producers can peel these drunk jackasses away from Dan's Cafe. I'd say the cast tainting a place like ESL is far more likely.

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  22. Looks like I won't be visiting Adams Morgan anytime soon. Not that I really did anyway, the place sucks now. In any case my bet is on Black Cat, and Madams Organ. This blows but hell what's the point in whining about it when we have Vegan Hipsters walking around ALL of DC taking everything "cool" that once was, away from it anyhow? there is no difference between the hipster douches we already HAVE in dc and these binge drinking socialite/frat kids that will be in dc because of the Real World.

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  23. how long are they going to be here exactly?? (and please dispel my fears that they'll ever come to mt pleasant/raven..... please?) fingers crossed SO hard

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