My youth burning several years ago to a cosmic crescendo, I joined colleagues in building a quintessential Washington experience—forming an adult kickball team in one of several metropolitan-area leagues.
Though my recollection of those Monday nights in Adams Morgan remains hazy, I believe we called ourselves the “Kicktards,” registering with the World Adult Kickball Association, known as WAKA, of Washington, D.C. Wearing oversized blue jerseys, we drank Pabst Blue Ribbon while challenging other teams at flip-cup, stripping to boxers and panties for little to no reason whatsoever.
Last week, the satirical newspaper The Onion nailed the experience in a feature, quoting a fictional bar owner in St. Louis who sponsors one such team:
“[N]ot one of these brats can order a drink without using a fancy-ass name for it," Henton added. "You want a 'Cape Codder'? It's called a vodka-and-cranberry, dickhead."
After confirming that sales of Pabst Blue Ribbon had doubled since he began sponsoring the team, Trimble confessed that the new business was coming from patrons he never wanted in his bar in the first place.
"These are people I should be beating up, not bankrolling," Trimble said. "Now this place is turning into a total hipster nightmare."
Does anyone still do this? Thankfully, I haven’t seen any of that bullshit since moving to Arlington.
**
This blogger does not have AIDS.
Adult kick ball???
ReplyDeleteIs there such a thing?
Why did you not call it what it really was. A good excuse to have some chick roll a ball at you wearing a loose fitting shirt so you could sort of scope out the goods.
My biggest nightmare as a business owner would be to have a huge influx of customers spending money. I would absolutely hate to own a bar such as Wonderland that makes tons of cash off hipster douchebags. I would much rather that nobody came to my bar except 12 crusty regulars who don't pay for their drinks most of the time. Because it is a lot better to stand by your principles of only serving PBR to people who were alive when it was invented, even if it means I will continue to live in the maid's quarters above the bar in the building I don't own. At least until the neighborhood gentrifies and my rent doubles and I have to shut the bar down. Or more likely sell it to someone who will cater to hipster douchebags. But at least I still have my principles.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine a bar owner not loving hipster douchebags. They don't have much money, but what little they have, they spend on beer. And on replacement iPods that are stolen from them once a month when they are mugged stumbling home from the bar while listening to their iPod.
Jamie, you spent two paragraphs rebutting an Onion article.
ReplyDeleteThat's because I'm a curmudgeon. It's what we do.
ReplyDeletenow THAT is funny.
ReplyDeleteShe's ugly - and a hipster.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet another post about nothing by M@.
ReplyDeleteYou're right. He should have blogged about the Metro.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see a post about how some old man died in a restroom at a Metro station. To me, that's fascinating!
ReplyDeleteJerry Seinfeld made nearly $1 billion talking about nothing.
ReplyDeleteMetro stations don't have restrooms.
ReplyDeleteYou're no Jerry Seinfeld.
ReplyDeleteAnother reason to hate DC: I just got a bill from the Office of Tax and Revenue indicating that I did not pay 2008 income tax, crazy because they took the exact amount of money they claim I owe from my bank account April 12th!
ReplyDeleteI've played my part in subsidizing ghetto tards for a year, and I'm not giving them any more. But now I have to waste tie at work to figure this out.
The good news is that hipster chicks generally give head with less effort than other chicks.
ReplyDelete