I feel we should Rasta-fy AOL by... 10 percent or so.

This AOL memo details the online provider's latest attempt to maintain some shred of relevance. Actual text follows:

We're pleased to announce the initial soft launch of a major new AOL initiative that will soon have teens seeing RED - RED, the new AOL service for teens that is.

Yes, they actually put that as the first sentence of the memo.

This radically new, unique application for teens will allow today's hip-to-click group of Internet users to control and choose the online experience they want, when they want it.

Hip-to-click, eh? That should be the slogan. You guys should hire Huey Lewis to do the song in the commercial... that'll really rope in those 12-17 year olds.

Also, allow them to "control and choose the online experience they want, when they want it?" Do teens have a problem using the Internet, or something? Because when I was a teenager I seem to recall being able to do voluntarily browse the Internet whenever I wanted without AOL's help. Not once did my computer come barging into the living room while I was making out to show me something I totally didn't want to see.

Meanwhile, my birthday is tomorrow, and the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit already gave me a present: my other favorite corporate behemoth entity, the Recording Industry Association of America, had the smack laideth down upon it.