Fun with Google

Every so often, since I'm a shallow human being who desperately needs his ego stroked, I'll look for links to my blog in Google. I also occasionally plug in "why i love dc" as a search term, just to take a look at some opposing viewpoints.

Sometimes, I get hilarious results. (See the "why i love dc" link on the menu bar for a similar example.) Occasionally, I'll find something well-written, although it may be completely lacking in capital letters.

But nothing reaches the pinnacle of hilariatude that is this "why i love dc" link. Do you dare enter the mind of... 18-year-old Serena? Here's how she introduces herself on her front page:

My name is Serena, I'm 18 years old, and live in Fairfax, VA (for any idiots out there, that's in the DC metro).

Yes, you're all idiots for not knowing that Fairfax, a random Washington suburb outside the Beltway, is near D.C. Idiots, I tell you! On to the D.C. essay:

I love the DC metro because first of all, it's one of the nation's biggest cities. Only city that's bigger is New York, which I also like a lot, but I love DC more than any other city.

Umm, technically that's not true, if we're talking urban area and population. Washington ranks about 7th on that list.

But don't let me interrupt!

It's a city filled with culture, diversity, opportunity, and things to do and see. There's something for practically everyone here. As long as you aren't from the midwest, north, or west coast you're sure to like at least something about DC.

Ha! Well. That leaves... not much. The Southeast, I guess. (Humourous aside: I'm from the Southeast.)

And if you don't care that much about historical things, DC and it's surrounding metro are filled with some very modern buildings. Some of the nicest looking buildings I've seen are here in the DC metro. Crystal City, Ballston, Rosslyn, Reston, Herndon, and Tyson's Corner all have lots of skyscrapers, high rises, and modern looking glass buildings that shine in the bright southern sun.

OK... those are all northern Virginia towns. So, to sum up, Virginia has modern-looking buildings. We build excitement, bitches!

It's true that nothing gives me a chill like driving past the Cable and Wireless building in Tysons. Look how it shines just off the Route 7-Route 123 access ramp!

That's another thing about DC I like. That we're in the south, where there's southern hospitality, the people are friendly and not in the fake way that northerners are.

Uh-huh. I'm afraid that's bullshit. I used to live in South. Strangers in the South will tend to make eye contact with you, voluntarily, and maybe even say hello. That happens here... never. JFK would back me up. The old dead one, that is. See the quote up there, below the title of this blog.

There's diversity here, and most people in the DC metro are very open minded.

I'm gonna have to say double bullshit. We've got a separatist culture in Washington, where suburbanites and city dwellers are basically waging a cold war against each other. Part of that is rooted in decades-old racism. And believe me, you don't have to spend much time in Northern Virginia to realize that it still exists.

If you live in DC, there's endless opportunities for you.

Aaaand that's going to be triple bullshit. (You win the progressive triple bullshit jackpot.)

There's lots of jobs and a very low unemployment rate of 3% in Fairfax County. There's everything from just regular jobs which are easy to get here, to computer jobs, to government jobs.

Well, that is every type of job imaginable. Regular, computer and government.

DC has something to offer for everyone except for farmers and spoiled rich kids who don't know how to work.

Um, I think the spoiled rich kids who don't work seem to be having the best time. (Look for the "diplomat" license plates on some of their vehicles.)

(Also, why farmers can't have a good time here? What about that guy who drove his tractor into the reflecting pool on the Mall? That looked like a rollicking good time.)

If you're 22 years old and never worked a day in your life and were sheltered by your parents in a small town who didn't want you to know what real life is like, then I strongly suggest you stay in your small town cuz you wouldn't last very long in DC.

Anyone else get the feeling this is directed toward a more specific audience than you generally might reach on the Internet? Me too.

Ahhhh, Satan. I mean... ahhhh, humor. So much fun. Also, I am a bastard for picking on this poor girl.

But I only kid because I'm not from the Midwest, North, or West Coast.