Mock the Turtle

The Washington City Paper is the most hit-or-miss rag in the city. Every now and then, the paper comes through with an insightful article detailing Washington's problems or Washington's unique history. Their story on the history of the Jumbo Slice is a personal favorite. Of course, the paper also has a reputation for their agenda-driven hit pieces that attack city government or city residents for no reason. Sometimes the paper is asinine to the point of absurdity.

I admit that yesterday's edition of the City Paper falls into the agenda-driven hit piece category. But there's nothing better than reading an agenda hit piece when you share the same agenda. So, props to the City Paper for absolutely tearing apart College Park and The University of Maryland.

In fact, the first section of this article is so sublime in its disdain for Maryland students that I felt all tingly inside while reading. Here are two glorious sample paragraphs:

"I don’t want to deal with the faggots,” says Mark, a 19-year-old freshman, on a recent Saturday night. He’s on his way to R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station, the Cornerstone’s neighbor and chief rival. The Cornerstone just has too many guidos, he says. “They spike their hair in this onion bloom.”

"Five junior women, Bentley’s regulars, offer detailed support for the contention: The Cornerstone is very Greek, plays “black-girl music,” and is filled with kids from New York and New Jersey who wear heels and gel up their hair. At Bentley’s, though, the dress is more casual. It plays “white-girl music” (the girls themselves are white), and it hosts a big contingent from Baltimore prep schools. If that’s not reason enough, three of the girls say they got their faces licked by random guys at the Cornerstone. “I was fingered!” says another of the girls, seemingly astonished by the recollection. “Yeah, I wasn’t happy about it,” she adds."

It's good to know that Maryland's rivalry with Duke has extended beyond basketball and into the realm of sexual assault. When the Maryland lacrosse team is accused of raping a stripper, will the students throw a celebratory riot?

Speaking of riots:

“I don’t know why they do it.” [Major Cathy] Atwell was shocked when she heard undergraduates saying it was the riots that inspired them to come to Maryland. An alum herself and a 28-year veteran of the university’s force, the major now sometimes roots for Maryland teams to lose.

It has been noted by University of Maryland apologists that the average GPA for incoming freshman at the University of Maryland is 3.9. Is that on an eight point scale? In my high school experience, the people getting straight-As were not the same people looking for an excuse to tip over cars and set trash cans on fire.

I know it's college and boys will be boys and girls will be girls. I'm sure there are even a few Georgetown students who have been fingerbanged at The Tombs. But this article presents the University of Maryland students as something different. They're presented as homphobic and racist little assholes looking to destory property and start fights. They're monsters. And, I must say, my personal experience with these Terrapin morons has done nothing to prove that theory wrong.

In 1912, a fire almost destroyed the entire campus. I still have my hopes up for an encore.