Anyone here have Veteran's Day off? Well, not me. Stupid veterans.
I was thumbing through the Metro section of The Washington Post during my morning commute when an unintentionally hilarious headline caught my eye.
Thieves Victimize Mother Nature.
I love it. Just reading the headline makes it seem like that some hooligans illegally obtained the power of wind. Or maybe one of the Captain Planet kids got mugged and lost their element rings. How can Captain Planet "bring pollution down to zero" without the power of the five element rings!?
(Two notes on Captain Planet:
1. "Heart" is a bullshit elemental power. Wind, fire, earth, water...those are the four major elements. Why couldn't the fifth power be "radiation"? That would have been awesome.
2. The vocal talent on this show is surprisingly strong. Some names popped out at me going through the Captain Planet wiki article. I mean, Jeff Goldblum!? The Reading Rainbow Dude!? Awesome.)
So, anyways, nature was mugged by some eco-bandits who stole a tree that was lovingly planted 25 years ago by kindly Arlington resident Peter Jones. It was donated to the city a week ago. It was almost immediately stolen. It's a weird combination of human interest and grand larceny. My favorite paragraph? Why, I'm glad you asked!
And so it was that Jones and Ike Sneed, facility manager at the recreation center, were left feeling like saps, angry with themselves for not chaining the tree into the ground. Such is the society: Even nature must be shackled, lest it be seized.
When I read the "feeling like saps" line on the train, I audibly groaned. That's a joke my dad would make before awkwardly chuckling and winking. Like, good one, Dad.
As for the "such is society" line, I double-checked the byline to see who wrote this article. Jamie Stockwell, you are not Henry David Thoreau. So save the prose for the book deal. "Nature must be shackled, lest it be seized"? Christ. Even the Style section essays avoid that crap.
11.10.2006
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reading the headline makes it seem like that some hooligans illegally obtained the power of wind.
ReplyDeleteIt's like Carmen Sandiego stealing the Grand Canyon or something.
YES! Perfect!
ReplyDeleteYour Dad comment is not appreciated!
ReplyDeleteAlso, "Stupid Veterans" is inapproriate. Sounds like something John Kerry woul say.
booooo, i have work today too.
ReplyDelete"Heart" went above and beyond lame. Talk to animals? Who needs to talk to animals when Wheeler can shoot balls of fire out of his hand? "Earth" was sorta lame too, and I think that Kwame got shafted with that ring, but not as much as Ma-ti.
ReplyDeleteWell, she glides around the globe and she'll flim-flam every nation. She's a double-dealing diva with a taste for thievery.
ReplyDeleteFrom an Army soldier, thanks for the "stupid veterans" comment. Asshole, we're fighting for people like you to be able to write your blog. I normally enjoy your blog, but that comment was a little over the top for me.
ReplyDeleteIf I didn't get MLK Day off, I would say "stupid Martin Luther King."
ReplyDeleteIn other words, it's a joke.
here's a better article
ReplyDeletehttp://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/11/10/AR2006111001978.html
"Asshole, we're fighting for people like you to be able to write your blog."
ReplyDeleteSoooo the war isn't about oil and conquest, it's about preserving our freedom to post on the internet. I gotcha. No offense... because you guys really are doing a great job and risk your lives and are very brave... but don't overdo it. Don't act like you are keeping society itself from collapsing. You do an important job - don't belittle it by acting like you are so important that you alone are keeping our nation from spontaneously combusting.
I will be that veteran that sides with you. Besides, Veterans day was Saturday anyway so why did some people get Friday off? Another thing to keep in mind is that any Veteran reading your blog is not over there right now anyways and I bet they didn't get the day off.
ReplyDeleteStupid Veterans
Hi. I'm the one of the first "anonymous" people to read post a comment, I understand joking around on the blog, but I just didn't appreciate the stupid veterans comment. But you are entitled to your freedom of speech, yada, yada, yada.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I had to work on Veteran's Day, along with many other soliders, so you know.
"Stupid veterans" ??!!!
ReplyDeleteYOU RUSTY HAVE NOW PROVEN BEYOND ANY DOUBT THAT YOU ARE NO MORE THAN A SPOILED COLLEGE PUKE. THE VERY FACT YOU USED "Stupid veterans" MAKES ME HOPE YOU DIE A VERY SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH. WHAT A SCREWED UP SHIT HEAD YOU HAVE BECOME.
Oh for Christ's sake. My grandfather is a vet of two wars. A bunch of my uncles were Nam vets and one of them is over in Iraq right now. So please spare me your moral indignation over what was a joke about not getting a holiday off. I am more than aware of the awesome sacrifices that are made and continue to be made by America's soldiers.
ReplyDeleteI'm a veteran, and I don't really give a shit - - I thought it was funny.
ReplyDeleteGod damn is DC full of a bunch of humorless liberal elitists!
hey, in the express today, they said somebody's gonna buy that guy another tree
ReplyDeleteChardonnay51 reminds you that you have an uncle who served in Viet Nam and two in Iraq. Plus grandparents and more. Please be respectful.
ReplyDelete