Anyone here have Veteran's Day off? Well, not me. Stupid veterans.
I was thumbing through the Metro section of The Washington Post during my morning commute when an unintentionally hilarious headline caught my eye.
Thieves Victimize Mother Nature.
I love it. Just reading the headline makes it seem like that some hooligans illegally obtained the power of wind. Or maybe one of the Captain Planet kids got mugged and lost their element rings. How can Captain Planet "bring pollution down to zero" without the power of the five element rings!?
(Two notes on Captain Planet:
1. "Heart" is a bullshit elemental power. Wind, fire, earth, water...those are the four major elements. Why couldn't the fifth power be "radiation"? That would have been awesome.
2. The vocal talent on this show is surprisingly strong. Some names popped out at me going through the Captain Planet wiki article. I mean, Jeff Goldblum!? The Reading Rainbow Dude!? Awesome.)
So, anyways, nature was mugged by some eco-bandits who stole a tree that was lovingly planted 25 years ago by kindly Arlington resident Peter Jones. It was donated to the city a week ago. It was almost immediately stolen. It's a weird combination of human interest and grand larceny. My favorite paragraph? Why, I'm glad you asked!
And so it was that Jones and Ike Sneed, facility manager at the recreation center, were left feeling like saps, angry with themselves for not chaining the tree into the ground. Such is the society: Even nature must be shackled, lest it be seized.
When I read the "feeling like saps" line on the train, I audibly groaned. That's a joke my dad would make before awkwardly chuckling and winking. Like, good one, Dad.
As for the "such is society" line, I double-checked the byline to see who wrote this article. Jamie Stockwell, you are not Henry David Thoreau. So save the prose for the book deal. "Nature must be shackled, lest it be seized"? Christ. Even the Style section essays avoid that crap.