Things You Don't Want to Hear

Volume 1:

While walking down on of Washington's many unlit alleys, I overhear an argument between two men. The argument is escalating. These guys are really yelling. Finally, one screams, "That's it. I'm gonna put a motherfucking bullet in your ass!" As you can imagine, I accelerated from "leisurely pace" to "quick jog." I like my ass unbulleted.

Volume 2:

I was walking through U Street from Woodley Park to meet up with my roommates and other assorted drinking buddies at DC9. Many drinks were imbibed. My friend and I noticed one such female imbiber who was about to pass out at the bar. We got her some water and helped her out. Our goal was to get her a taxi. Her goal was to throw up on the sidewalk. Mission Accomplished. A cop walks by, notices the vomiting girl and decides to intervene. What is the bouncer doing? Nothing. Well, actually, he did say something to the cop: "Talk to these boys. This girl ain't drunk; she was drugged."

It should go without saying that, no, I didn't drug any girls last night. I just really didn't feel like explaining that to a cop at three in the fucking morning. You'd think a bouncer on U Street would have his seen his fair share of girls throwing up their gin and tonics without throwing around comments like that to the fucking police.

So, I had a Saturday of violent threats and attempted date rape accusations! Whee!


  1. Yeah!! Deadbeat bouncers make me feel safe.

  2. I want to commend you for taking care of the sick girl. Not many people would go out of their way for someone in that situation. Too bad the managers at the bar were so irresponsible.

  3. Beats sitting at home watching TV.

  4. Republican ManDecember 18, 2006

    No good deed (initially typed "dead") goes unpunished.

    What does he mean by "these boys?" Were you fellas wearin' cowboy hats and belt buckles? Were you trying to get that lady into the General Lee and take her back to Cooter's?

  5. Most likely, the bouncer was trying to cover the bar's potential liability (over serving) and too casually threw you under the bus to the police.

    NOT very patron friendly. Could have escalated into a very messy and possibly criminal promblem.

    I suggest you rethink where you drink if that is bar policy.

    More over the holiday.


  6. All the cop did was ask us if we saw anyone put anything in her drinks. He was more concerned with getting her off the street and into a cab.

  7. was it on dcist that someone set off a firestorm talking about how bad shaw and particularly dc-9 is?

  8. I hear Wonderland Ballroom is much safer. (wink)

  9. im leaving d.c. for good in two weeks. i am so excited to leave this shithole!

  10. Agreed with anonymous regarding the liability issue. Bar owners can be very thorough about drilling this into a bouncer's head.

    I remember several years ago I saw a kid get served into puking oblivion at the Santa Fe Cafe in College Park. About an hour later my friends and I found him *literally* passed out in the street. When we picked him up and tried to carry him to the Fe's patio and clean him up, the bouncers threated to kick our asses if we stepped foot on their establishment.

    Just wonderful.