This post brought to you by the James Institute for Hating D.C.

All of these public policy-slash-research-slash-lobbyist groups can be found on or around K Street in the District:

American Forest Foundation
Americans for Balanced Energy Choices
Capital Research Center
Center for Consumer Freedom
Center for Media and Public Affairs
Environmental Issues Council
National Center for Policy Analysis
National Center for Public Policy Research
National Consumer Coalition
National Wetlands Coalition
National Wilderness Institute
The Progress and Freedom Foundation
They sound innocuous on the surface, unless you're really well-schooled in political bullshit. All of them are actually funded by industrial interests and corporations... and, by extension, are against any and all pro-environmental laws and regulations. In fact, even the groups that don't try to trick you by including "green" words like "Forest" or "Wilderness" in their names are anti-environment. (I don't even know what they do now that Bush's administration has abolished every environmental regulation he could get his hands on, but there you go.)

Seriously. "American Forest Foundation." That's a level of propaganda that would make Orwell blush. And we have an entire street dedicated to groups like them! What a glorious wonderland of crap we've built!

I, of course, can only take so much bullshit before being sent into a murderous rage. Thus, I propose, primarily for my benefit, that these groups re-form under the banner of a new coalition:

The American Foundation of People Who Would Ass-Fuck Your Grandmother For Some Money

There, much better. This way it's all out on the table. We would fuck your grandma up the ass... for some money. Everybody knows what to expect, and there are no surprises.

Granted, that would be tough to make into a cool acronym, but I'm also really, really sick of acronyms too. It also might be a little tougher to get a good table at Capital Grille, once they find out you work for those "ass-fucking-grandmother" people. But I think the benefit to society would easily outweigh those petty concerns.

If that's no good, though, I would also accept:

American Institute for Hiding in the Guest Bedroom and Masturbating to Crush Videos

That way, I don't feel like every lobbyist working off a million-dollar grant from Exxon/Mobil has a leg up on me in influencing Congress or the media. Now, they have a little handicap to work against: that whole "jerking-off-to-crush-videos" thing. Advantage: Push.

Let's make this happen, lobbyists! Stop the bullshit!

(Or, at the very least, give me some money, and your grandmothers' phone numbers.)

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