Worst of 2004

Bored bored bored bored bored. So very bored. Nothing is going on in this stupid town this week. And I'm apparently the only one who had to work today.

Sooo, let's fall back on that traditional blog staple: biggest things that happened in 2004. Except, for me, of course, it's not so much the "biggest" things as the "retardedest" things.

5. The Bowtie blames the victim. This was weird. D.C. went through a spate of juvenile homicides early in the year, and during the investigation of one 14-year-old witness who was herself murdered execution-style, the city inexplicably tried to color her family as criminal trash. Then, when the mayor finally did schedule a visit the girl's family the offer his condolences, workers cleared the snowy/icy road in front of the family's house. It was the only road in the project that had been salted or cleared. Typical Bowtie. Have fun competing against Mr. Mayor For Life in 2005.

4. The Redskins build 4,000 new seats, but forget to mention the obstructed views to fans. This was the most hilarious local sports stories of the year, and you could argue that the ticket holders were better off not being able to see the 5-10 team anyway. But it was no laughing matter that a lot of people got ripped off, including a friend of mine... let's call him "Paul". Paul bought two of these tickets from the Redskins; they simply did not mention the obstructed view, and wouldn't allow him to check out the seats in person because they were "still being constructed." The face value on these seats is $69, so a pair of these can't-see season tickets set him back $1,380. Not refundable. Yikes.

3. Metro assaults a candy-bar eating patron. Not a good year for Metro; they had countless problems too numerous to mention, including a big head-on collision. But the best thing ever was when the transit police warned a local woman after she finished her delicious Payday candy bar inside the fare gates, she argued, and was taken town like Rodney King. Even better was "Lisa Farbstein's" completely un-apologetic response, a clinic in How Not To Do PR. And, that was also probably my Best Post Ever. Good times.

2. Bush makes light of not being able to find WMDs in Iraq. Politics (by which I mean, discussion of acutal issues and policy) are better left to other, less-stupid blogs. But seriously... this has to be the Worst Thing Ever. Congratulations, Dubya; you got the guy who tried to kill your Dad, and sacrificed thousands of lives in the process. Is it really necessary to mock the deception that started all of it? This, combined with Tenet getting the Medal of Freedom, makes my head asplode.

1. Istook brings red-state fascism to D.C. The worst part about the District is that it's basically run by Congress, which means its residents have to live under the rule of whatever jacked-up retards the rest of the country sees fit to send here. Rep. Ernest Istook of Oklahoma was the best example in 2004; he basically saw an advertisement on Metro he didn't like, and legislated away $92,000 of cash-strapped Metro's funding because of it (The space was worth $46,250; Istook tried to cut twice that amount from Metro's budget "as a warning to other transit agencies.") The law was fortunately struct down by an (activist?) judge, but not before a costly court battle at taxpayer expense. The best part: the ad in question simply criticized the government's anti-drug policies; it didn't even have any boobs in it or anything.

Therefore, I, James, declare Ernest J. Istook, R-Okla., the Fucktard of the Year. Congratulations. You're a complete ass.

But! What was the best thing of the year? It would have to be... Red Jacket Man.


(Artist's rendition removed, I over-trafficked it)

Red Jacket Man saved a man's life, in perhaps the only selfless act committed in D.C. all year, thus extending D.C.'s murderless streak. He was like Mr. T, David Hasselhoff and Jack Scalia rolled into one. All in all, I credit him with forcing the District's homicide rate down by an astonishing 21 percent compared to last year. (OK, maybe better preventive police work had something to do with it. Or the population loss. One of those.)

All right! The end. That was pointless, and I hope you enjoyed it. I'm going to go be bored doing something else. See you in 2005.