I'm a little upset that I missed this yesterday. Dana Milbank, columnist and publicity whore for The Washington Post, wrote about everyone's favorite proposed Constitutional Amendment, the Federal Marriage Amendment.
Let me just say, right now, how I feel about this piece of legislation. (I know most of you hate political rants, so I'll try to keep this short.) I consider myself pretty nuanced. More importantly, I accept the nuanced beliefs of others. I like a good political debate. I don't care if someone is anti-choice, pro-capital punishment, pro-invading other countries, etc. Almost every single opinion I disagree with has valid points that should be taken into consideration.
Except for writing hatred into the Constitution.
If you think heterosexual marriages are weakened by homosexual marriage, you are an idiot. If you think homosexuality threatens the very fabric of our society, you are an idiot. If you are a homophobe, you are an idiot. Basically, anyone who is pro-FMA should just go away immediately. I don't want to meet you, I don't want you reading my blog, and I don't want your poisonous idiocy anywhere near me.
Well, that brings me to Sandra Rodrigues. Sandra brought her family down to Washington, DC to convince Senators to vote for the hate amendment. She knew the odds of this amendment passing were slim, but, "If we didn't believe in miracles, we wouldn't have spent our vacation money to come here."
Man, how much would it suck to be her child? Sorry, Junior, no Disneyland this year, the queers are gettin' hitched!
And, this insanity wouldn't be complete without the family values argument going full circle. The Rodrigues clan signs said the following:
Stop Same Sex Marriage: It Endorses Masturbation.
Here's her wacky reasoning: "If same-sex marriage is endorsed, then you're going to have children think it's just another option to have pleasure."
That makes so little sense that I can't even poke fun at it. It's always fun when family values conservatives argue that gay marriage will somehow weaken their relationship with their wives. Now people think that gay marriage will somehow increase masturbation rates in minors? What? How? Huh?
Incidentally, "another option to have pleasure" would include, for me, dropkicking Rodrigues in the back of her stupid head.
So, here's my plan. Since dropkicking her in the head would make me as bad as her, let's just dropkick her warped world view. First, I'd like to warn you that my plan is gross, so, sorry. If the FMA passes in the next ten years (and I know it's a long shot, but just in case), let's organize the biggest circle jerk in the history of the United States. We can directly refute Sandra Rodrigues's wacky beliefs by really turning the masturbation up a notch. Then won't she feel stupid for spending all the Rodrigues vacation money to go to Washington.
Phase 2 of the disgusting plan is to mail all of the, um byproducts of this increased activity right to Sandra Rodrigues of Utah. Something tells me that this God-fearing Christian warrior wasn't smart enough to use a pseudonym. We have her name and home state (Utah), surely I can find her address. (God bless the Internet.) Men, mail her your semen*! Evangelicals hate any semen that is not directly deposited into a subordinate woman's vagina. Women, throw your old, used vibrators into a UPS package and send them on 2nd Day delivery**! Let's make her realize the follies of her ways by systematically harassing her with the things she finds so very disgusting
If we have to fight a culture war, let's fight dirty.