I love writing about the crazy Friendship Heights Lady. She is a constant source of unsolicited obscenity and racism; two of my favorite things in the entire world. Unfortunately, after Sunday's Great Rain of 2006, she has disappeared. Her little area on Wisconsin and Jenifer, usually adorned with shopping carts and tinsel, has been cleaned up. No more shopping carts, no more litter, no more crazy.

It breaks my heart.

The homeless lady, affectionately referred to as "Brenda" by my fellow homeless gawkers Toby and Agatha, has been a part of my life for months now. I can't imagine a Washington without her.

So, I ask my dear readers to find her. The first person who can send me photographic evidence of Brenda's new whereabouts wins a prize. This offer is null and void if Brenda ends up back in Friendship Heights. That would be too easy. Irina says that she used to live in Rockville, so your best bet may be the Red Line.

Your prize? Well, I am poor, so it's going to suck. You can choose from the following crappy options:

1. If you're the first person to send in a picture of Brenda, I will buy you one alcoholic drink valued at six dollars or less, or

2. If you're the first person to send in a picture of Brenda, I will let the winner get a free rant on this blog. The rant can be anti-DC, pro-DC, pro-Boy Meets World; whatever you want. The only exceptions are anything overtly racist, sexist, homophobic, or patently offensive is not allowed. Also, the rant can't be about how much I suck or how James F. is better than me. You'll be limited to 1,000 words, which is actually an awful lot.

Some of you may be wondering, "How will I ever be able to tell Brenda apart from the countless other homeless women in this city?" Oh, believe me, you'll be able to tell. If the unsolicited obscenity and racism don't clue you in, look for forest green eyeshadow, writing on the sidewalk, and/or three shopping carts covered in garbage bags. Also, she will not panhandle. The obscenity and racism really ought to do it though. If you're not sure, just take a picture and send it to me at whyihatedc@gmail.com. I will be able to confirm if it's Brenda or just some random homeless person.

Good luck and Godspeed.


  1. AnonymousJune 27, 2006

    Okay, now this poor lady is going to have paparazzi!!!!

  2. AnonymousJune 27, 2006

    Has anyone ever seen "Southern Gentleman" homeless man.

    I saw him at Court House in Arlington, but then he switched to hanging outside the subway in Bethesda. He wears a Seersucker suit, or something light, and sometimes a hat and always has luggage with him as if he was just a southern gentlemen who lost his wallet.

    He sounds like Colonel Sanders and asks you to spare a dollar or two. (but at least I can understand his english).

  3. AnonymousJune 27, 2006

    So you're going to make a game of this impoverished woman's whereabouts?

    How 'bout some crackerjack do some snoopin' on Rusty and find out why he's three weeks late w/ his car payment.

    ...Oh, you don't own a car. When you pick up a woman (presumably) in a bar (maybe Nadia), you're like, "My car does not exist, the Metro (which I blog about) is down the street."

  4. You just reminded me that my student loans are due tomorrow, so thanks for the heads up.

  5. redraiderdcJune 27, 2006

    OMG you call him "Southern Gentleman"?! We see him around Ballston a lot and we prefer to call him, "The Professor".

    We like to imagine that some scandal forced him out of the communications department of a southern university, which in turn, made him insane. And he now walks the streets with all of his student's records and ungraded exams in that luggage. He's cursed, some say.

    Anyway, I think he only appears during the warmer months around here. I saw him so many times in random places last summer, I thought he was stalking me.

    Now, he comes to me in my dreams.

  6. AnonymousJune 27, 2006

    That guy gets around, no doubt. He's probably in Atlanta right now. Professor? Hmmm. I was under the impression that he had a secret recipe in his briefcase for fried chicken.

  7. How about a trade- pictures of the bum lady for naked pictures of Irina?

  8. AnonymousJune 27, 2006

    I want pictures of Nadia.

  9. How'd I get involved in this?

  10. AnonymousJune 27, 2006

    Even better, Nadia wearing Red Sox gear!

  11. AnonymousJune 27, 2006

    ... or maybe Nadia wearing Red Sox gear... or only red sox.

  12. Thats funny actually

  13. AnonymousJune 27, 2006

    That's wicked sexy!

  14. It would sound better actually coming from someone from New England.

  15. Although the combo of "wicked sexy" does turn me on.

  16. AnonymousJune 27, 2006

    I recently spotted the "southern gentleman/professor" outside the crystal city metro stop with a handcart of what looked like brief cases. I was getting on the bus and coughed as I passed him which prompted him to tell the bus driver to "take that man to the doctor, he's sounding sick".

  17. AnonymousJune 27, 2006






  18. AnonymousJune 27, 2006

    Southern Gentleman is truly a gentleman.

    Some people ask for a quarter, or a dollar or even three-fitty. He asks for "a dollar or two." A very gentlemanly sum.

    I'll bet that guy does have a PhD. He could probably teach at the Univ. of Maryland, I'll tell ya.

  19. AnonymousJune 27, 2006

    My favorites are by Untion Station.

    There's a man in a straw hat with a big sign who hands out literature claiming that President Bush irradiated Cheif Justice Renquist so he could appoint Roberts. He's out there EVERY DAY rain or shine.

    Sometimes he's joined by the homeless guy who plays an instrument: bangs on an empty coke can with a stick.

    I wonder if all our favorite homeless/crazy professionals get together for drinks at the end of the day.

  20. A homeless fellow outside of Union Station went up to me and said,

    "I ain't gonna lie. I'm fifty cents away from a bottle of vodka. Could you help me out?"

    I gave him the fifty cents.

  21. Sorry Anon. Didnt know you were from VT.

  22. AnonymousJune 27, 2006

    Nadia, you need to update your blogger profile!

  23. God I am through with Middle Eastern Men. DONE.

    On to Americans...

  24. I saw the southern gentleman/professor on K St. yesterday. He wanted fifty cents. I carry no change, and hence could not help him.

  25. I saw your girl outside of the entrance to the Washington Sports Club in Friendship Heights at about 8 pm on 8/27. She was eating some bread.

  26. AnonymousJune 28, 2006

    ha... maybe she got a gym mebership! slimmin' down for summer lol

  27. AnonymousJune 28, 2006

    No photos, but your disappearance theory is shattered by the fact that I saw her just last evening in the Friendship heights Metro station. She was hanging out in the hallway before the McDonalds's Exit, cursing loudly.

  28. !!! Did she just move to the other side of the station? The side that I never see?


  29. I had a conversation with her today, as follows:

    Me: Here are some fresh plums my boss gave me.
    "Brenda": Where are they from?
    Me: A farmer's Market in Bethesda
    "Brenda": Thank you
    Me: I'm Agatha.
    "Brenda": Cool
    Me: What's your name?
    "Brenda": Smitty

    I would not lie about this!!! If you treat her like she's human, she's pretty normal, collection of filth aside.

  30. Awesome. Now we all can call her by her name.

  31. AnonymousJune 29, 2006

    For Rusty...

    Sources in Canadialand tell PerezHilton.com that Nickelback lead singer Chad Kroeger was pulled over for drunk driving in the Surrey area of British Columbia.

    I guess he couldn't cut it as a drunk man driving.

  32. AnonymousJune 29, 2006

    I don't know if the Angry Black Man in Georgetown is homeless but he kills me. I am amazed by how many people won't push him back or say somethign to him when he does something to them.

  33. There is a heavy-set medium-complexioned African-American woman who has hung around the vicinity of the Bethesda Metro for at least the past 16 years. Does this sound like "Brenda" or is that someone completely different?

  34. AnonymousJune 30, 2006

    If Rusty doesn't post something soon, I'm going to start me own missing persons contest... for Rusty!