This Post is Six ADHDers of Suck

I feel very strongly that every single topic is fair game for humor. George Carlin uses the example of rape. When people would tell him rape is never funny, he would respond with "picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd." Everything from murder to racism to religion is OK by me, assuming of course that it's done well.

I admit that as a straight, white, Christian male, I don't have to deal with personally offensive jokes on an everyday basis.

I do however have ADD. This never comes as a surprise to people who know me well. I don't really see it as anything to be ashamed of. It's not a big deal. If people wanted to make jokes, that was fine by me. I was always horrified when my mother would go on letter writing campaigns whenever a sitcom made a crack about ADD kids trying to eat their fists.

Of course, for something to be funny and not offensive, you have to be, well, funny and not offensive. Richard Cohen, the self-proclaimed "funny" columnist for The Washington Post, fails miserably.

His most recent editorial is called "Culpability Defecit Disorder." It's a doozy. It may be the worst thing I have ever read in the Post, and, yes, I am counting the Style section.

Before the random offensiveness gets going, I would like to direct your attention towards the first paragraph in this perfect storm of douchebaggery.

Ever since Thomas Riley Marshall, Woodrow Wilson's vice president, uttered the immortal phrase "What this country needs is a really good five-cent cigar," people have felt challenged to better it. So if you Google the phrase "what this country needs," you will find that it needs many things, including a national architect, better infrastructure or this peach of an idea from Will Rogers: "dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds." Allow me, though, a suggestion that applies to the war in Iraq: Ritalin.

1. What!? That is the worst lead paragraph ever. Congratulations on figuring out Google, Cohen. The only purpose of this paragraph is to boost his word count. Hey, Richard, most of your readers are college graduates. We know this trick.

2. Ritalin is probably the most over-prescribed drug in America. So, what this is country needs is less Ritalin, ass-hat.

The editorial goes on hypothesizing that the Bush Administration must have ADHD since they don't know what they're doing in Iraq or Afghanistan. Hilarious! Well, Richard, you supported the Iraqi invasion and now you think we need to withdraw American troops. In other words, you had your mind set on one thing before becoming distracted by something else. The ADHD metaphor works a lot better with you than with an administration that is obsessed with "staying the course."

And, there's this classic: As any ADHDer can tell you, it is the moment that counts. What comes next or before is over the horizon.

Richard Cohen, what "ADHDer" said that to you? I would guess zero ADHDers. You are making people with ADD and ADHD sound like feeble-minded children who are unable to handle life on their own. What comes next is over the horizon? Fuck you. I have a savings account for a reason, bitch. You just described "ADHDers" the same way DARE officers describe drug addicts and I kind of hate you for it.

Here's my modest proposal. I am going to take back that word Richard Cohen just invented: "ADHDer." From now on, ADHDer is going to be a unit of suckiness that is only applicable to shitty Washington Post columns. "Culpability Defecit Disorder" is nine ADHDers of suck. It's the worst thing I've ever seen in the Post, but I want to leave room in case Cohen starts whipping out the extended racial metaphors again.