So I was late to work and lost my contact lens and I'm in a terrible mood. Sensing my panic my fiancee Danielle sent me a round-up. I present this to you, and I offer her thanks for saving me from going completely insane this morning!
OMGZ we might get the other dreaded four-letter "s" word this weekend. You'd better start running to the store now for provisions: 18 loaves of bread, no less than 45 gallons of milk and twelve dozen eggs. Because you can never have enough french toast when it snows, apparently. In my case I'm actually screwed; I'm genuinely lacking milk and bread and not looking forward to the shitshow that is Safeway before a snowstorm.
In other news:
Over privileged high school students in Potomac obviously just got "Wargames" on Netflix, hacking into Pentagon to start World War III is up next. An undetermined number of school kids from Winston Churchill High in Potomac may or may not have hacked into their school's database to change grades, according to a lackluster story on WJLA. I really don't care what some rich kids did under pressure in a far flung suburb of DC, but that just goes to show you how slow this news day truly is. Oh, and kids in Potomac, don't forget to hack Kayak and book a flight from Australia to Los Angeles.
Butterstick is going to Sichuan where tasty, tasty fried foods are made or so I am to believe from numerous Chinese fliers that are shoved under my door on a daily basis. So the panda is leaving. Our dearly loved Butterstick is going back to his native land and LAND O'LAKES is sending him off. This isn't a joke. The butter company is sponsoring the party. Now I liked the panda well enough, but come on people. Grow a pair. People in this town are genuinely upset that Butterstick is going back to his ancestral home. If people felt this way about genuine social problems like, oh I don't know, the plight of the homeless in the freezing cold tonight, we might actually get something done. Can the butter company sponsor a homeless shelter? I can't wait for the Zoo to get another adorable baby animal that makes us forget about how cold and indifferent we are to everything. I suggest a baby tiger! Rar!
I couldn't have written this better myself, Examiner: "Stock up on hair gel and Ed Hardy T-shirts." Jon Gosselin, beleaguered patriarch eight children who will no doubt need years upon years of therapy for this, might be moving to DC. Now all we need is Heidi and Spencer to up our shitty C-list celebrewannabe profile even further. Whatever happened to Brad and Angelina moving in? At least they might adopt some kids from Ward 8 so they wouldn't end up, you know, brutally murdered and shoved into their mother's freezer. Oh, but that's right, they broke up? Or something? I don't make it to the grocery store enough to keep up on all the gossip. Jon Gosselin's only good for hitting on fake blondes at McFadden's and then passing out in the bathroom. That role's already filled by GW students.
Did I miss something, or is there a real or imagined sex crisis in the DC suburbs? A delegate from Montgomery County, a place that clearly doesn't have real problems, wants to make it so a year without sex equals a divorce. As it currently stands now the couple has to be separated for a year, but this they say creates a financial hardship. Because you know, living separately after the fact is a breeze. But the bigger question is, how are they going to prove that you're not having sex? Do you have to keep a log? Convert your house into "Big Brother" with hidden cameras (but no worries, nobody actually watches that show)? Or do you have to stand in front of a judge and admit you haven't gotten laid in a year (because you can't quantify that with "haven't had sex with my partner" as having sex with anyone while still married is adultery. so you'll have to say you haven''t gotten any in a full calendar year. how sad.). And more so - why are lawmakers in Montgomery County suddenly caring about our sex lives. According to latest reports MoCo residents are all frigid, ugly Hill staffers or government drones who don't do anything but missionary once every leap year and we need this woman to tell us where to put it and how often.