This Moose *does* have something up his sleeve

Dear God, how I hate Chief Charles H. Montgomery Moose.

Er, I mean... How I hate Charles A. Moose, former police chief in Montgomery County, whose 15 minutes of fame were assured when he became a TV talking head during the Beltway serial sniper mess almost a year ago.

And what should public servants do when they become famous for their work? Why, profit from it of course! Moose's book, entitled "Three Weeks in October: The Manhunt for the Serial Sniper," comes out Monday.

Moose left his job as chief of police when an ethics commission insisted he shouldn't be profiting from the case while on the job. He, of course, chose profit over service. But there are still problems with publishing this book... such as the fact that a jury pool for the trial hasn't even been selected yet.

Prosecutors are troubled that Moose's book could do more harm than good. They say that Moose promised to let them vet his book, so that it would in no way compromise their efforts. They haven't seen a copy.

Fairfax Commonwealth's Attorney Robert F. Horan Jr., who is overseeing the prosecution of Malvo, says, "When all the furor about the book took place, I recall the chief saying he would run it by the prosecutors, and I was glad he said that."

Horan says no one in his office has received the book.

[...]

When Moose was called for comment, he hung up, saying he was "too busy" to talk. His agent, David Vigliano, would not comment for this report, either.

"Yes, I'm too busy whoring myself out to the highest bidder. Please call back after my Dateline NBC appearence on Sunday."

People magazine reports that Moose is pursuing a movie deal and spending some of his time on Oahu, where he and his wife, Sandy, own a home. He reportedly received a $170,000 advance for his book.

Holy fucking shit. Do you think he feels guilty? Sitting there on the beach, sipping on a mai tai, waiting for the movie producers to call... after selling out the rights to a serial killing spree in which his performance as a law enforcement officer was questionable at best?

Last October:

The snipers kill some people in Monty County. Then they kill some people in other places around Washington.

Several branches of law enforcement are working on the case: county police in Virginia and in Maryalnd, D.C. Metro Police, and the FBI. Unfortunately, it turns out they work together very poorly, failing to share information or coordinate their respective investigations.

The snipers continue to terrorize the region. The longer it drags on, the more face time Moose gets on TV, and the more famous he becomes. When the snipers shoot a minor, Moose breaks down in tears on camera, which presumably helps his Q rating but doesn't exactly put fear into the hearts of the snipers.

Moose tells everyone that they're looking for a white box truck or van. There are no license plates or descriptions of the sniper(s). That narrowed it down to "just" several thousand vehicles... and was wrong anyway. In fact, Montgomery County and D.C. police each pulled over the snipers' actual car during the investigation, but figured they had the wrong vehicle since it didn't match the description.

As it drags on even further, Moose gets more desperate to catch the snipers, and begins kowtowing to their demands, sending them cryptic verbal messages during his TV face time, and at one point explaining to them that they were unable to donate money to the old "snipers' protection fund" via credit card.

In the end, the identities and whereabouts of the snipers fall into Moose's ample lap.

Explain to me again... in what way is this man a hero? As far as I can tell, he's a bumbling idiot who happened to get a lot of face time on Fox News. For this he gets a fan club and a book deal?

In March, after Moose had announced that he had signed with Vigliano to write a book, the Montgomery County ethics commission met and decided he shouldn't profit from his public service. Moose chose to write it anyway and resigned from the force in June. He told the commission: "I care a lot more about this case than anybody in this room. So to have people say to me that I'm going to jeopardize these people going to prison or accepting the death penalty so I can write a book is like about the meanest thing anybody can say to me."

Oh, I DON'T THINK SO, fat boy. Here's the meanest thing anyone will say to you:

Take your fat fucking ass back to Oahu and stay there. Have another roasted pig. Really, it's on me. Anything to keep your bloated, retarted self as far away from a police force as is fucking humanly possible. It's a good thing they're not making a TV show out of you moving to Hawaii, Chief Moose. First of all, I think I would call it "Fucktard, P.I." Each episode, you're trying to solve the same crime all season. Then, in the season finale, someone else (perhaps Higgins) solves it for you! Yay!

How's that for mean?