I Hope You're All Enjoying Work, Suckers

That's right, I am enjoying a well deserved day off. A four day weekend! Later today I will be on a bus to New York City (or as Spencer of Goldenfiddle once called it, The City That Looks So Much Like a Flaccid Penis They Named it Twice). Three days and three nights of cleansing myself from Washington. There can't be a more appropriate way to celebrate Memorial Day than to walk over to the ruins of the Twin Towers and gawk at all of the fat, Midwestern atrocity tourists.

(My favorite Ground Zero moment was when this (fat, Midwestern) mother was screaming at her four year old kid. "Nothing is ever good enough for you, you spoiled brat!" Lady, give him a break. You took a toddler to a hole in the ground. He has no context of why there is a hole in the ground. How can you expect him to not be bored?)

Well, since I am not at work, I had a bit of a celebration last night. The Bud Ice was flowing freely. So, yeah, I was a little drunk. Walking home at 2am, I passed the worst thing you can look at when you're drunk...

Steak and Egg.

Oh, Steak and Egg. So cheap, so greasy. One meal sets your bowel movements back a week. What a horrible, horrible place. Yet, so tempting.

Well, and I am ashamed to admit this, I gave in. I ordered my Tennessee Scrambler and got a seat. I was awarded the opportunity to watch the order cooks in action. It was eye-opening to say the least.

Not one person there uses gloves. Not one. It's not like they avoid handling the food either. Cooks were picking up eggs with their bare hands and tossing them onto plates. It was a horror show. The coup de grace was when a cook, without gloves, picked up a pancake, dropped it onto some boxes, brushed it off, and threw the flapjack onto a plate. Within five minutes, it was hastily devoured by a customer.

I tell you this, when they started making my food, I was watching them like a hawk. I am proud to say that they did not touch my food. I ate about half of my eggs and left. I had lost my appetite.

How gross is that place? I know it's a diner and diners aren't highly regarded for being the most sterile environments, but what the Hell? No gloves? Dropped food? This can't be legal.

I am going to take this a step further than usual. Instead of acting like a whiny pussy and bitching and moaning about how I was wronged, I'm going to call the DC Department of Health and whine straight to them. Truth to power, man. That place needs to be shut down so that I'm never tempted to stumble in there again.

Incidentally, the DC Department of Health website isn't helping me out very much. Does anyone have any clue what number I call to complain about this? If someone is bored at work (ha, ha) and wants to take the time to find the number, that would be awesome.


  1. Have a good time in NY. Im jealous.

  2. formerly anonymousMay 26, 2006

    You talkin' 'bout the Steak & Egg on Wisconsin near Friendship Heights? Didn't it move to a new building recently?

  3. AnonymousMay 26, 2006

    Sucker, you're on a BUS to NYC. Later, I'll be driving my brand new car w/ ipod to NYC. Sure, I'll be rockin' out in traffic, but that's nothing a little whiskey and weed won't cure. Enjoy the bus ride!!!

    Peace out.

  4. Bureau of Community Hygiene
    Food Establishment Closures and Restorations

    Weekly food establishment closures and restorations are available to District residents and visitors. If you would like to file a food complaint against an establishment in the District of Columbia, please call (202) 535-2180 between the hours of 8:15 am and 4:45 pm.

    Effective October 1, 2005, due to the new food regulations, establishments will be scored on points rather than percentages.

  5. I bet you're on the Vamoose bus. Say hi to my fellow jewies.

  6. AnonymousMay 26, 2006

    Just cause your stomach can't handle it doesn't mean you should ruin it for the rest of us. It's not like it's some tourist trap that families stumble into during the day and get sick from. It's what it looks like- a greasy diner. You go there, you know what you're getting, and they know you know and don't care. So leave let sleeping salmonella lie.


  7. AnonymousMay 26, 2006

    I once witnessed a midwestern tourits (appearing almost exactly as you described yours) correcting her child's speech by yelling, "YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO TALK GOOD!"

    Sigh... where would American be without the red staters?

  8. AnonymousMay 26, 2006

    ........in heaven(if there was such a thing) on earth?

  9. nova blowsMay 26, 2006

    Hey Mom, you white trash ho:

    And just who do you think made your little a "spoiled rotten little brat"?

    Forced sterilization, folks -- forced sterilization.......

  10. AnonymousMay 26, 2006

    Definitely call them in. Then report all of DC's other drunken munchies dining establishments: all those Jumbo Slice dives. You think Steak & Egg is bad? But watching the late night crowds there is just as fun as a pack of midwestern tourists.

  11. I was looking forward to a steak and egg visit when I come to D.C. in July, should I stay away?

  12. Hate D.C.May 26, 2006

    stay in iowa, smart guy...save your money and go to legitimate city for your holiday.

  13. AnonymousMay 26, 2006

    "for your holiday"

    HAHAHA you fucking douche

  14. AnonymousMay 27, 2006

    I can appreciate the mid-west bashing, but as a mid-westerner myself (and a blue state at that), I just want to say we're not all that bad. Furthermore since I have been in DC, I would argue that east coasters could learn a few things from mid-western manners.

  15. you really think they use gloves in ANY restaurant in DC? Not even the fancy ones use gloves. The only difference betwen Che Whitey and Steak N Egg is hands touching the food.

  16. AnonymousMay 28, 2006

    I avoid steak and egg like the plague.

    A) The Tastee DIner is far superior, and two metro stops away.

    B) I know multiple people who got TB from eating there.

  17. AnonymousMay 29, 2006

    Those crude Midwesterners spoil everything. Why, the other day one little inbred tourist (probably from Nebraska) asked if I could play video games on my iPod nano!!!!

    Sigh...forced sterilization doesn't go far enough...

  18. AnonymousMay 30, 2006

    I agree with the other defender from the midwest! I too am a native midwesterner and from a blue state. While some might call us "uncivilized" or "ignorant" we are generally nice people. We smile at you when you walk past us on the street (instead of looking at our shoes), we let you merge in traffic and we wave when you let us merge (instead of giving the finger), we hold doors open (instead of letting them slam in your face). Some might say that we are too nice (as my east coast boyfriend often does) but I don't think that is such a bad thing...

  19. AnonymousMay 30, 2006

    why do you think gloves = clean? gloves give the false sense of cleanliness to morons. Gloves touch whatever someones hands would, and actually do a better job and holding many types of bacteria - not too mention people wearling gloves don't wash their hands - nice restaurants do not have their staff where gloves for that very reason. much better to have barehanded people that wash their hands when they get soiled, rather than some dudes who don't care whats on their gloves cause it isn't touching them - it really is amazing how you bat about .800 in terms of making some completely ignorant statement in every post

  20. Regardless of your opinion on the cleanliness of gloves, it is required that people use gloves when handling food (ESPECIALLY cooked food).

    Please remember that I worked in a Whole Foods seafood section for two years. Before that, I worked in a Cape Cod Stop and Shop seafood department on my summer breaks. If I were caught not using gloves while handling food, I would have been immediately terminated.

  21. Heywood JablowmeMay 30, 2006

    I used to work at McDonalds. The gloves we were forced to wear didn't do much good, since we blew our noses in the fries, wiped our asses with the buns, and came all over the Filet-O-Fish. And you thought that was tartar sauce.

  22. AnonymousMay 31, 2006

    Did you notice that the world-famous, mega-discount store Century 21 is convienently located directly across from Ground Zero? Swarms of Red Staters come to gawk at the former WTC site as a prelude to hitting the discount designer racks with their teenage daughters.

    Because that's the American way.

  23. AnonymousJune 01, 2006

    the Tastee Diner is crazy delicious

  24. AnonymousJune 02, 2006

    Get over yourself......every section of this country has its people. Sterotyping is shit. The midwest is just fine and do I even need to remind people where the majority of the Fortune 500 companies are?