The Triple Whammy/Moronic Vandalism

The Metro was in fine form this morning. Everything that could have gone wrong did.

There weren't enough trains this morning so I had to reverse commute to Maryland to get on a Metrocar. I can't imagine what people waiting on the Cleveland Park or Woodley Park stops have to do to find a spot on a train. Those stations were overflowing with grumpy commuters.

Once I got on a train, there were constant delays. There's nothing quite like running late due to Metro's incompetence only to find yourself stuck like a mosquito in amber within a tunnel. People were already packed in like sardines, let's make them sweat it out.

And to add insult to injury, once of the escalators at the Dupont station was down. This is par for the course for Metro, but after spending 45 minutes traveling the four miles from my house to my office I just wasn't in the mood. Naturally both sides of the escalator, even the precious left, were filled with standers.

Well, the time I spent stuck at the Medical Center stop was well-spent. I read a delightful little article in the Post's Metro section about the vandalism of a Hummer. The article was glorious in the way it presented everyone as a complete and total douchebag.

Ok, some dude living on the 3400 block of Branywine, an enclave of wealthy liberal guilt, buys a used Hummer. It's his dream car. Anyone who's dream car is a Hummer probably some raging adequacy issues, but, fine, whatever. The Hummmer "lasted five days on the street before two masked men took a bat to every window, a knife to each 38-inch tire and scratched into the body: 'FOR THE ENVIRON.'" According to the Hummer's owner, Gareth Groves, many in the neighborhood are openly happy that this happened. This neighborhood is just dripping with smug schadenfreude.

If someone destroyed my car and people in the neighborhood were openly happy about it, well, I don't know what I'd do. It would be very tempting to start destroying Priuses.

Of course, even those that are coming to Groves's defense aren't exactly the most sympathetic characters.

"They've got everything at their disposal in this city to make a statement in a legal way," [Lani] Fremaux said of the bat-wielding men who struck out at the Hummer. "I consider this a hate crime."

That's right, ladies and gents. A hate crime. I'd like to set up a meeting between Fremaux and James Byrd, Jr. and Matthew Shepard. They'll tell you what a real hate crime is, ma'am.

Even the victim here is a pretty sad case of humanity. Here we have a 32-year-old man who still lives with his mother spending $38,000 on a used car that doesn't even fit into his garage. Why did he want the Hummer? Because of the "image."

Groves, who grew up in the District and works in marketing for a local radio station, said he wanted the car in part because he is starting a company, Washington Sports Marketing, that is "image-based."

Ugh. Every time I see a Hummer the first thing that pops into my mind is "small dick!" If that's the image you want to project, then go gangbusters, buddy.

So, the Hummer owner is kind of a douche. The vandals are, of course, vigilante assholes who deserve to be thrown in jail. The neighbors are douches since they're either excited about this vigilante nonsense or are comparing a vandalized car to terror-inspiring hate crimes.

Even the Post doesn't get off the hook. I hate to get all Mike Grass on you, but 34th and Brandywine is certainly not in American University Park. It's on the border between Tenleytown and Forest Hills. AU Park is a good seven or eight blocks away on the Western side of Wisconsin Avenue. It's a small bone to pick, but I'm nothing if not persnickety.

The victim, the vandals, the neighbors, and the newspaper all come out losers here. Isn't DC great?


  1. AnonymousJuly 18, 2007

    Well in defense of the 32 year old still living with mommy, if he were to buy a home of his own in that area it would easily cost him over 600k or between 2-3k monthly just to rent one out. So financially speaking, still living with mom is his best option especially if he is planning or wanting to start up his own marketing agency in the near future.

  2. AnonymousJuly 18, 2007

    Rusty is a cunty-bollocks - Grade A.

    So what would you do if someone damaged your car Rusty? Guitar-hero them to death? Blog about them? Make them hang out in shite bars wearing sweater vests?

    Rusty - You are a the cheese that grows under unwashed foreskins.

  3. The eco-nazis who did this are only doing more damage to precious Gaia.

    The guy will have to have his Hummer towed to a shop, which will result in a ghastly amount of toxins spewed into our atmosphere by the truck.

    Not to mention the chemical waste involved in manufacturing four new tires, replacing the windshields and repairing the panels.

    Judging by this dude's "business model," it's unlikely he can afford to fill the tank more than once a month, so these masked avengers are more counterproductive than your average vandal.

  4. AnonymousJuly 18, 2007

    Every time I see a Hummer the first thing that pops into my mind is "small dick!"

    dude, you are so gay.

  5. Al Gore did it!

    And conservatives are always saying tree-huggers are pussies.

  6. AnonymousJuly 18, 2007

    Rusty - You are a the cheese that grows under unwashed foreskins.

    It's called smegma.

    Also -- don't you suspect that a portion of the neighborhood could be pleased because this guy, in general, sucks? I know anonymous commenters on blogs are generally considered flawless do-gooders, but if some creepy mooch had his ugly car -- which he bought for his "image" -- damaged by someone just as douchey as him, I would not only secretly enjoy it. I would probably also chortle.

  7. AnonymousJuly 18, 2007

    There's nothing wrong with getting a Hummer if you are going to use it for what it was actually designed for (provided that is done sparingly, as off-roading is bad for the environment as well). Unless you are planning on climbing skyscrapers, they are totally unnecessary in urban areas. You have serious issues if you need that car for your "image," not to mention all the wasting of fuel and such you will be doing. Although, vandalizing that guy's car was not the best way to approach the situation. It gives a bad name for environmental advocacy, and it is counterproductive as james said.

  8. Rusty I'm sorry about your terrible commute. I experienced issues myself. I was riding a very crowded car from Tenleytown to Farragut North, they gave no explanation why there weren't enough trains today. At Dupont the doors wouldn't close and they had to empty the car. There was not enough room on the platform. The only problem was that there wasn't enough room on the platform for people to fit. People were still coming down the escalators too. I ended up walking from Dupont after someone used the emergency button to stop the down escalator so people could walk up it.

    Also, to all the anonymous commenters, you are lame.

  9. AnonymousJuly 18, 2007

    Rusty, can you take the bus to work?

    I was a Metro loyalist for years. Now I drive to work and save almost a half-hour each way.

  10. I'm glad his hummy got totaled, maybe then he'll learn to get a car that matches his income.

    and James, the point is not saving the earth by damaging the vehicle, is creating a sense of fear that Hummers are target to "terrorism" maybe then people will stop buying such useless, yuppie vehicles.

  11. The story about the Hummer was one of those stories that my initial reaction was schadenfreude, but then I realized that it would totally suck to have a new car vandalized, even if it does get 15 miles to the gallon. Who are we to judge? I mean, if this dude wants to waste gas, ruin the environment, and presumptively compensate for having a small penis, he's paying $3 a gallon for that right -- and it'll get worse as prices go up.

  12. Dear Rusty,
    I loves it you (you bore your way into my soul with that whole hate crime thing).

  13. yertle the reposting turtleJuly 18, 2007

    Rusty IS a douche. A quick survey of his blog reveals the following:

    - he plays "Guitar Hero" in public
    - he goes to Adams Morgan wearing a sweater vest and khakis
    - he likes Smashing Pumpkins
    - he reads the Gawker website "Jezebel"
    - he's a virgin
    - he complains about the Metro more than an old Jewish lady
    - he's religious (snicker, snicker)
    - he constantly refers to himself as a contrarian when in fact all of his opinions are painfully conventional and inoffensive. (Ooh, he's pro-"To Kill a Mockingbird", pro-"Beatles", anti-Hummer, and anti-vandalism! What a maverick! That reads like a profile of a PTA mom.)

    All facts and all straight from the horse's mouth. My friends, I think we can all agree that THAT is truly a portrait of a douchebag.

  14. AnonymousJuly 18, 2007

    i want to run over yertle's annoying, repetitive ass with a metro train.

  15. Wow, I don't think they could have picked a less sympathetic victim. Oh, excuse me, not victim-- "survivor."

  16. Well if that's the case segway, I'm contributing to this guy's repair fund.

    Because if he just gives up on his dream car, then the terrorist have won.

    And if these badass Gaia-liberators ever find out how much pollution my little Saturn spews during my commute from Glover Park to Shirlington, I HOPE they come looking for it.

  17. there are two kinds of bikers in this city: the spandexie asswipes and the average joe biker.

    i think it's time you become an average joe biker, rusty.

  18. AnonymousJuly 18, 2007

    You are a good sport.
    You take a lot of $hit on this blog.
    Sure once in a while you turn off anonymous comments which isn't any fun, but generally you are a trooper.
    The next time I'm in wonderland and I see someone in a sweater vest and pink polo playing guitar hero, I'll buy them a beer.
    but, your still a douche.

  19. Rusty - Don't let the bastards get you down. Buy a Hummer and run over the anonymous commenters.

    Oh and by the way, the new Nats stadium is coming along great. Thanks for asking.

  20. The Post corrected the article to the fact that he lives in the 4300 block of Brandywine, which is in AU Park.

    I'd still like to know how there were "witnesses" at 3:30am in AUP.

  21. AnonymousJuly 19, 2007

    Yertle mostly hit it on the head: Rusty is a douche. But let me add the following reason: There are 13-year-old girls living in South Dakota who are more worldly than Rusty. From what I can tell, he has lived in two places: Cape Cod and far Upper Northwest DC. Oh, the experiences he must have had.

    Perhaps if he ever experienced other places, he'd realize that the problems in DC are endemic to just about every other good-size city in this country. Seriously, change the name of the blog to "Why I Hate Living in the Big City."

  22. actually that house is in AU park, since the metro stop opened alot of people have been calling all of the are tenleytown, I do it to, but that house is definitly in the original AU park which has been named that since the 30's when the houses were built. Realators still refer to the area as AU park, check it out wikipedia. you need to catch up on your stuff outsider