The Triple Whammy/Moronic Vandalism

The Metro was in fine form this morning. Everything that could have gone wrong did.

There weren't enough trains this morning so I had to reverse commute to Maryland to get on a Metrocar. I can't imagine what people waiting on the Cleveland Park or Woodley Park stops have to do to find a spot on a train. Those stations were overflowing with grumpy commuters.

Once I got on a train, there were constant delays. There's nothing quite like running late due to Metro's incompetence only to find yourself stuck like a mosquito in amber within a tunnel. People were already packed in like sardines, let's make them sweat it out.

And to add insult to injury, once of the escalators at the Dupont station was down. This is par for the course for Metro, but after spending 45 minutes traveling the four miles from my house to my office I just wasn't in the mood. Naturally both sides of the escalator, even the precious left, were filled with standers.

Well, the time I spent stuck at the Medical Center stop was well-spent. I read a delightful little article in the Post's Metro section about the vandalism of a Hummer. The article was glorious in the way it presented everyone as a complete and total douchebag.

Ok, some dude living on the 3400 block of Branywine, an enclave of wealthy liberal guilt, buys a used Hummer. It's his dream car. Anyone who's dream car is a Hummer probably some raging adequacy issues, but, fine, whatever. The Hummmer "lasted five days on the street before two masked men took a bat to every window, a knife to each 38-inch tire and scratched into the body: 'FOR THE ENVIRON.'" According to the Hummer's owner, Gareth Groves, many in the neighborhood are openly happy that this happened. This neighborhood is just dripping with smug schadenfreude.

If someone destroyed my car and people in the neighborhood were openly happy about it, well, I don't know what I'd do. It would be very tempting to start destroying Priuses.

Of course, even those that are coming to Groves's defense aren't exactly the most sympathetic characters.

"They've got everything at their disposal in this city to make a statement in a legal way," [Lani] Fremaux said of the bat-wielding men who struck out at the Hummer. "I consider this a hate crime."

That's right, ladies and gents. A hate crime. I'd like to set up a meeting between Fremaux and James Byrd, Jr. and Matthew Shepard. They'll tell you what a real hate crime is, ma'am.

Even the victim here is a pretty sad case of humanity. Here we have a 32-year-old man who still lives with his mother spending $38,000 on a used car that doesn't even fit into his garage. Why did he want the Hummer? Because of the "image."

Groves, who grew up in the District and works in marketing for a local radio station, said he wanted the car in part because he is starting a company, Washington Sports Marketing, that is "image-based."

Ugh. Every time I see a Hummer the first thing that pops into my mind is "small dick!" If that's the image you want to project, then go gangbusters, buddy.

So, the Hummer owner is kind of a douche. The vandals are, of course, vigilante assholes who deserve to be thrown in jail. The neighbors are douches since they're either excited about this vigilante nonsense or are comparing a vandalized car to terror-inspiring hate crimes.

Even the Post doesn't get off the hook. I hate to get all Mike Grass on you, but 34th and Brandywine is certainly not in American University Park. It's on the border between Tenleytown and Forest Hills. AU Park is a good seven or eight blocks away on the Western side of Wisconsin Avenue. It's a small bone to pick, but I'm nothing if not persnickety.

The victim, the vandals, the neighbors, and the newspaper all come out losers here. Isn't DC great?