7.16.2008

A brief history of douchery...

Willful blindness to your own douche-bag status is a necessary condition precedent to douchedom. And the key indicator is an overwhelming desire to point a douche-accusing finger at everyone else. Because, yeah. OF COURSE you happen to be the only non-douche in a group composed, so you say, solely of douches. We can tell because you're the one complaining about the popped collars.

A leading symptom of this particular brand of douche, which I've really only seen in D.C. is the self-righteous demand, "Justify yourself to me as a non-douche." A prime example of which was left in the comments today, " How diverse was the high school you attended back home in the midwest? How would your parents feel if you were to bring the son of a Pakistani cab driver back home with you for Thanksgiving?"

Here we have the elements of:

1) A douche who believes he can define douchery based on criteria which rules out everyone except himself and others from the same background/belief system.

2) An attitude of entitlement, "You OWE me justification for your existence."

And 3) The dizzying logic of self-hate in, "I will mock you for any perceived lack of status you might assign me by assigning you a lack of status because you have the potential to assign a hypothetical lack of status to me... "(Although I highly doubt the commenter is, in fact, the son of a Pakistani cab driver. He sounds more like someone who grew up with tales of a legitimately poor forbear's street smarts, and thinks that qualifies him as a self-made man despite his own lack of college debt).

So there, in two sentences of query, we have the magic of D.C. social forces at work. "It's not me, it's you." Because, "You're not like me." And this is proved by the implied argument, "I'm better because I'm the one telling you that you suck."

Gotta love this town.

68 comments:

  1. Ok, another satisfying post. If nothing else you beat Rusty in frequency.

    But we need to take the DC-hating up a notch, because your complaints are a bit . . . esoteric.

    So, where are you from Liz? Why are you here? What was your winning essay about? Do the people in DC suck because DC turned them all ugly, or does DC just naturally attract asshats from all over the world?

    We want to work with you but we just need some parameters.

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  2. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    Could you post your winning essay so we can decide whether or not to go and rape Rusty wherever he is with a LSS painted dildo?

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  3. i think i'm going to like this liz. these are great.

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  4. 1. The midwest
    2. Because I wanted to live in a city where people try to do big things/I sort of watched too much "West Wing."
    3. It was about apartment hunting (I'll post it once I clear it of a few identifying details)
    4. I've been trying to say for three posts that D.C. sends out a unique siren call which only asshats can hear.

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  5. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    STRIKE 3. YOU'RE OUT!

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  6. Well, I guess that's no worse a reason than the midwestern girls who moved to Manhattan in 2004 after watching too much Sex and the City.

    Now their credit cards are all maxed out and they still haven't met Mr. Big.

    Hell, they never even met anyone as appealing as that "Berger" weanie.

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  7. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    That was quick...
    http://ihatewhyihatedc.blogspot.com/

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  8. Buddy LoveJuly 16, 2008

    James, that reminds me... What ever happened to Irina? Why did she take her blog private?

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  9. "STRIKE 3. YOU'RE OUT!"

    Oh NO! I've been waiting on pins and needles for that one. Because you matter. You really, really matter, and it IS my job to cowtow to you, oh great and powerful user of hackneyed sports metaphors.

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  10. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  11. Now, now, we all hate people who take Sex and the City literally. But there's no need for statements that could get someone pretty thoroughly sued if I leave them up.

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  12. I agree with James, esoteric and Internet-centric. I don't want to be a dick (I use "dick" because "douche" is clearly being overused here), but please no more posts quoting commenters or the Washington Post website. I did like the drum post however. Try a subtle mix of vulgarity and observational humor and mix it with your spite for the city... to wit... Man, I hate DC. You've seen it on a map, right? It's a fucked up diamond shape that looks like the asshole of a feral cat, except the cat has explosive diarrhea and worms.

    Sweet Liz, being from the midwest I suspect you've had brushes with the horors of animal husbandry, racism, and dirty bar humor. Know thyself.

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  13. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    I think you need to write about how DC is going to increase the stadium tax and pass the cost of their loans onto the fans because the nationals are refusing to pay rent.

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  14. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    you post way too often. don't you have a job? or are you another seasonal intern who has to complain about not living on a cul-de-sac anymore?

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  15. "Sweet Liz, being from the midwest I suspect you've had brushes with the horors of animal husbandry, racism, and dirty bar humor."

    Good call :)

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  16. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    I think you should just make every post about some of the assclowns that comment on the site.

    Absolutely love the irony that the people that read the blog are themselves the reasons why so many hate DC.

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  17. How would everyone feel about a version of “The Hills” based here in DC, starting members of LNS? Christ almighty….

    http://www.tmz.com/2008/07/11/just-what-dc-needs-hills-on-the-hill/

    PS: Keep your head up Liz…it’s a tough crowd around here. Perhaps you’ll grow into the position. The bar was set unreasonably high for you due to the level of disdain for Rusty. But yeah, you do need to make some adjustments to your writing style. Good luck!

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  18. the problem is that liz hasn't show anything resembling creativity yet, nothing insighful just a convoluted, incoherent attempt to explain douchebaggery. it really seems as though liz hasn't been in DC long enough to recognize/acknowledge the irony of this website, the people that write/have written this blog are themselves the reasons why so many people hate DC. as a native i've gotten used to it. liz is just another midwestern transplant, another causehead/political idealist with grandiose delusions. she eventually became jaded that things didn't work out the way she hoped and or became disgusted by the obnoxious overwhelming presence of people who are actually very much like her just less bitter. to anybody out there who disagrees with liz i'd advise you not to put too much effort into your responses. at best she's just become jaded, at worst she's bitter and disagreeable. either way, she's never going to like very much about the city or us. we can't win. we're all either pretentious, arrogant, busybodys constantly stoking our ego with an overexaggerated sense of importance or we're mindless, robotic, bureacratic slobs. i don't really dislike liz, i find her somewhat entertaining, i just hope the quality of her writing improves.

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  19. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    Well since you obviously moved here to be more urban and more ethnic, why not go ahead and take a gentleman of color back home with you to the midwest for thanksgiving? I AM SURE YOUR MOM AND YOUR DAD WOULD BE THRILLED.

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  20. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    I will reiterate my concern that I find the posts somewhat unsatisfying because we know very little about you. Are you just some college freshman at AU who misses moon pies and wheat fields? Or do you actually suffer, like many of us through the traffic and the self-importance in the work place, the parents who think their kid is a future Nobel Prize winner and NFL star and yours is dim, etc.

    Context would make the postings seem more intersting and personal rather than the "esoteric" or "distant" postings you've had so far. Don't get me wrong, I like the posts, but this commentary could be written by james in seattle under a psuedonym and we wouldn't know.

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  21. Oh Willie. The "irony" (way to misuse that one btw, Alanis M.) is that you just complained for like, four whiny and almost completely speculative paragraphs, that I'm too bitter for your taste... in a thread about how I haven't shown enough hate.

    If I post something light you all scream that I'm too cutesy, if I post sarcastically you don't get it, and if I post about what a douche someone is, I'm bitter.

    Methinks at least a couple people on here entered the essay contest too, and lost.

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  22. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    Methinks that you must be a personal friend of Rusty's and the fix was in on the essay contest.

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  23. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    who the hell uses "like" in that valley-girl way when writing?

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  24. i don't see how i misused irony, but i'll let that go in the interest of not debating semantics. i guess i have to add lack of reading comprehension to my issues with liz. i never said you were too bitter for my taste. i was trying to say that a major reason why you dislike DC and its inhabitants is your own bitterness. the reason why everyone takes issue with your posts regardless of your tone is that your style and possibly quality is so different from your predecessor. i tried to give rusty credit where it was due, for example example his posts on nationals stadium funding. maybe we're all being too harsh too soon.

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  25. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    looks like someone hasn't completed their english requirement at AU.

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  26. Wachovia BankerJuly 16, 2008

    I will buy you a FREE ailine ticket back to the midwest if you promise not to ever ever ever come back to DC. I have seen your kind before. Do us all (including yourself) a favor and just leave right now while you are still young and in your early 20's.

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  27. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    You are no different than all of the midwestern white girls who moved to Manhattan because of Sex and the City. The only difference is you fell for the fantasy and fake reality of a different tv show on another network.

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  28. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    Get a job, sweetheart.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hey, I'm an arrogant asshole who hates DC!

    Look, I'm even talking about myself on someone else's blog! How's that for self-centered and smug!

    Uh-oh, too douchey? I'm confused. Are we operating under the assumption that everyone in DC is a douche? Or just those of us who weren't born here? Or, just those of us who weren't born here who claim not to be douches?! This is the douchiest existential crisis ever to be blogged. And does this comment automatically suck me into this said circle of douche? Or is the douche already all encompassing, like dark matter?! It's everywhere and we don't even know it! OH GOD!! THE DOUCHE-MANITY!!!

    Yeah, I just dropped some theoretical physics. Deal with it, douches.

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  30. HahahahahahahahahahaJuly 16, 2008

    Because I wanted to live in a city where people try to do big things/I sort of watched too much "West Wing."

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

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  31. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    THE DOUBLE DOUCHE

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  32. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    Hey Liz,

    Do you take all of your bills each month and stuff them into 1 large huge envelope, then mail it to your dad back home in the midwest for him to take care of them for you?????

    ^ I have heard that this practice is fairly common with white female (huge sunglasses, flip flop wearing, cell phone yapping) midwestern transplants living here in DC and in NYC.

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  33. Will you dickheads commenting here stop with the "midwestern transplant" thing? It is an overplayed, easy cop out and totally unoriginal.

    I hate that people like you, arrogant self-obsessed natives (pseudo-natives though, I'm guessing), give real non-dickhead natives a bad name. You all remind me of my effing boss and I read this to get away from that crap!

    So shut up already and let her do her thing. Sheesh it's only been two days.

    Thanks to the commenters who offered constructive advice.

    ReplyDelete
  34. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    Liz,

    I appreciate the effort, but a little background (like a previous poster requested) is a good idea. Let's read your winning essay. I'll give you another week before I remove you from my Reader. Otherwise your posts seem like a play on "Stuff White People Like", but just not as good (which is sad).

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  35. That kid from alabama ave southeastJuly 16, 2008

    Dear all midwesterners. Please stop moving to DC and stop thinking you are original and special by doing so.

    Also do not accidentally take the green line further than the Navy Yard metro station when traveling to a baseball game.

    Thank You.
    Have a nice day.

    ReplyDelete
  36. transplantJuly 16, 2008

    Come on Liz. We're trying to give you a chance. We really are. Meghan, it may only have been two days, but we've got six postings. I didn't care for Rusty, but at least he hated. He packed more hate into one posting than Liz has put into her six. Liz, PLEASE give us something to work with.

    Oh, and BTW, I'm a transplant FROM THE MIDWEST who probably hates NOVA, Southern MD, and DC more than everyone on this blog put together. I've actually got a list of why. It is therapeutic. Or so the voices in my head tell me.

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  37. Liz,
    I think a great post would be one talking about how you hate all of the "natives" who think they are better than the "transplants" simply based on the fact that they were born in the DC metro area. They clearly think that anyone who opted to move to their fine city for a job, school, or other reason is a bad person.

    And, such a post would have the added benefit of annoying many of the readers of this blog who clearly view themselves as better than everyone else for reasons that I can't clearly define but imagine has something to do with their own inferiority complexes.

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  38. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    Moving to a city because of a tv show is LAME. Go back to the midwest. You are not wanted here.

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  39. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    Do you take all of your bills each month and stuff them into 1 large huge envelope, then mail it to your dad back home in the midwest for him to take care of them for you?????

    I know of several girls over at gw who do this.

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  40. AnonymousJuly 16, 2008

    Liz,

    First, I echo the requests for an "introductory" post. Please?

    Second, you completely lost me with this statement the other day:

    D.C. is a town of job hoppers. Almost everyone was a high school academic all-star. We won debate competitions, awards in "leadership seminars", etc. etc.

    Maybe it's becuase I'm none of those things you listed above, so I can't relate to what you're saying "almost everyone" in this city has experienced.

    But really, it's one thing to complain that this town has an inordinate number of asshats who were big shit at home and think they're going to be big shit in "the city" (a great reason to hate on DC), but to say that practically everyone in this city has that background is just...weird. For starters, it ignores the signficant number of people who live at or below the poverty line (which is another great reason to hate on DC) and makes it look like your experience in DC is limited strictly to Georgetown.

    Blanket statements like the above make me wonder where you're coming from and who exactly you're trying to speak to. And if you say this was all done in the name of hyperbole, I would say that you grossly misfired. Like someone already noted, bring the hate, but the hate needs to at least be valid.

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  41. We're all rubber bottles filled with vinegar and water, at some point.

    Self-righteousness is a part of a healthy human existence.

    Hey, your blog wouldn't be half as entertaining without it. ;)

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  42. "I echo the call for an introductory post..."

    Hmmm.... So what you're saying is that I should DEFINITELY provide personal information and details about my life in the city, in response to the not-so-polite request of a group of people who spent the last eight months telling Rusty he "sucks" and should "die, die, die, die," and then the last few days telling me that I don't seem hateful enough, and that's their very good reason for hating me?

    Ok! (Blogger smiles brightly with the dim charm of your dopey younger sister who never, ever remembers the point of the game, "Red Roses").

    Or, not.

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  43. AnonymousJuly 17, 2008

    ^ Seriously? It's not like people are asking you to give out your SSN, exact address, and employer information.

    Just where you're from, the general area where you live, why you're here and when you came is helpful. Of course, I'm sure you knew that, but you just felt like being an ass about it instead.

    I don't like all the "die, die, die" shit either, but you obviously read the blog before and knew that those people would make up part of your audience. If it scares you so damn much, then you shouldn't have applied to take over this joint.

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  44. AnonymousJuly 17, 2008

    I miss Rusty already. I can already tell you're going to be way to sardonic and snarky to write here.

    This force is not very strong in this one.

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  45. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  46. "I don't like all the "die, die, die" shit either, but you obviously read the blog before and knew that those people would make up part of your audience. If it scares you so damn much, then you shouldn't have applied to take over this joint."

    I knew that was going to be the first response. Yeah. The blog comes with some trolls who feel entitled to scream at their own chosen hater like bloodthirsty Roman gladiator fans. I knew that and I figured, what the hell.

    That doesn't mean I owe them a bunch of personal details. That doesn't mean this blog was ever about some cutesy cult of personality. And it doesn't mean posters here are automatically free from snark. If you're being an ass on this board, you are as open a target as if you were hanging out at Local 16 with a popped collar. (Hate isn't about the other guys. True hate involves recognizing the darkness of your own soul and despising what you see of yourself in others.)

    If I write something and my life is relevant to the story, it's in, of course. But, "Hi Guys! I'm an Aries with a passion for chocolate and high heels..." Yuck.

    Besides, it's more interesting to see the personas people build based on little-to-no details. Somehow I have sunglasses (which I never wear) and flip flops (which I think are ugly and loud) and a daddy who pays my bills (yeah, right) and a love for Sex and the City (when in fact I'm probably the only girl I know who never bothered to see the damn movie).

    If I give you more to work with, it's less fun for me :)

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  47. AnonymousJuly 17, 2008

    ^Is this really all that fun for you?

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  48. "(Hate isn't about the other guys. True hate involves recognizing the darkness of your own soul and despising what you see of yourself in others.)"

    More of this sort of thing, please.

    Also, hating on the Post's Chandra Levy series was quality...but you only hated on part one of a 12-part trainwreck of a series. It's so disgusting I don't even want to bother reading it...so it would be helpful if you would follow up with some additional hate.

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  49. AnonymousJuly 17, 2008

    I don't want to pile on here, but I agree that you need to up the hate. Right now the tone of your posts is a little, "We're all assholes, but what can ya do?" *cute shrug*. I liked it when it was more, "This city is a completely dysfunctional cesspool that fills me with rage on a daily, nay, hourly, basis." Maybe you could rename the blog "Why I Love to Hate DC?" I mean, I won't be reading it, but you could attract a lot more readers (who secretly love it here, and love themselves, and love the "prestige" of their jobs and their lives, but want to jump on the trendy sarcasm train like on the sitcoms, y'know, to be edgy). I think it's the use of "we" that makes it the most grating. Yes, the dominant culture in DC is of mainstream "type-A" d-bags who were raised in a warm pink bubble of privilege, with no sense of conscience or taste, who shove their way through the city until their "turning 30" alarm clocks ring and they hurriedly marry each other and move back to whatever depressing plastic suburb spawned them. I thought the point of this blog was to hate on those people, not wink and toss your hair at them, whispering "I'm just like you, tee hee!" Anyway, I'm not volunteering to write the blog, so you can do what you want, but just a request...MORE HATE. (I'm too beaten down by 10 years of living here to even muster any clever hate or to channel my energies into anything other than desperate attempts to get a job elsewhere). Until then I'll tune in for a couple days just to watch this entertaining comment war.

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  50. AnonymousJuly 17, 2008

    Trust me Liz, reading this blog for the last week has been less fun for all of us. Fucking awful.

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  51. When are you going to quit? If you already have, let me be the first to dance.

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  52. "I thought the point of this blog was to hate on those people, not wink and toss your hair at them, whispering "I'm just like you, tee hee!""

    Mmm, so much to work with in this excellent comment.

    1) I think for many commenters, the point IS to hate on the other guy. They have appointed themselves the screamer, and the screamed-at should therefore bow in terror. However, that's less about a blog and more about personal limitations in anger management. If you think you're surrounded by assholes, trust me, there's a problem there somewhere.

    2) This whole city exists because of transplants. It was created by a transplant and anyone who settled here for non-political purposes made a living off of screwing the transplants. The only exception is a very small, very much ignored culture of people who grew up here in the neighborhood wards. I can definitely see how annoyed they would have to be. It seems pretty clear they have been excluded from the prosperity of the transplants, condescended to by the ignorant pride of the transplants and coopted for outrage purposes by the kids who grew up in Chevy Chase and think that makes them "local." I'm not sure the rightness of that anger can be correctly addressed by a post about people who stand on the wrong side of the escalator, but I definitely want to represent them here.

    3) I did NOT toss my hair, or wink, or do anything except observe that the traits that make us suck as people are the traits that drew us here and also the traits that keep this place going. It's possible to both suck in some areas and be breathtakingly accomplished in others (Jacqueline Kennedy's help usually hated her guts and she only ever really hung out with her frenemy sister, for example). It's possible to recognize that sometimes you suck as much as the people you hate, without also condoning that suckage in yourself and others.

    4) If you can't admit that you suck and you need a daily dose of hearing about how much people who are not you suck, then I think it's pretty clear you have larger problems than this board.

    5) I don't think that's the case with this particular commenter. It's more like you know something is wrong with the world and use this board to sort of suss out what, and you assumed a girly name and a tendency to hint, rather than yell, meant flip flop wearing sunglass fanatic (hardly, trust me) so you decided to set me straight in a pretty thoughtful post. I like you and hope you keep reading. If you need some sort of gross out humor to scratch that itch though, you probably will end up somewhere else.

    6) People who threaten to leave never do. It's a control technique to make anxious people pleasing bloggers say, "No! Wait!" People who are bored leave without comment. And people who are bored do not write "die die die die" and try to kill a blog for months. That's something else. I don't know what Rusty did to the constant complainers, but I liked him a lot. I suspect that might have had something to do with winning the contest. Our style is actually pretty similar, too.

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  53. AnonymousJuly 17, 2008

    Somehow I have sunglasses (which I never wear) and flip flops (which I think are ugly and loud) and a daddy who pays my bills (yeah, right) and a love for Sex and the City

    What about your annoying cellphone, your Birkin designer handbag and your cute little dog?

    Why did you forget to mention those beloved little items of yours?

    ReplyDelete
  54. AnonymousJuly 17, 2008

    Oh my god Liz, what the fuck are you talking about?!

    ReplyDelete
  55. georgetown prep alumJuly 17, 2008

    Hey I hear there are some wheat fields over in the southeast section of this wonderful city.

    You really should move over there.

    I promise you will feel closer to your midwestern roots by doing so.

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  56. AnonymousJuly 17, 2008

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  57. Um, Birkens are sooooooooooo 2003, which come to think of it, means they're just arriving here. Suck it, DC!

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  58. Liz is in trouble of losing the board.

    chevy chase doesn't make me a local? crap, now i gotta stand on the left side of the escalator and wear an FBI sweatshirt

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  59. "Liz is in trouble of losing the board."

    Um. Yes. I'm thinking this may help:

    Dear Troll,

    We here at "Why I Hate DC" are very concerned about the "die Rusty" market segment.

    We want you to know that your voice has been heard and that we will promptly do... something... quite soon to express our appreciation for your "Rusty sucks" and "Liz is a GIRL" trolling business.

    We are confident that, together, we will find a solution which properly addresses your needs. Thank you for choosing this board to express your rage and impotence.

    Sincerely, Liz


    Feel better?

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  60. Since it's fucking feedback hour, here's some fucking feedback - - keep on with your creativity and please ignore these fucktards.

    Note that I'm not saying "you go girl, ignore those guys" etc,etc,etc, but rather, I am saying that I would hate to have my enjoyment of this site ruined by watching it turn into a fight club for retards on the internet.

    Save the hate for this crummy city.

    plskthxbai

    P.S. Die, rusty.

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  61. Yeah i think you'll be alright Liz. its hard enough to please any group on the internet, let alone one devoted to hating the city they live in.
    self loathing by nature and happy to spread it. Viva la Rusty.

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  62. Wow, this is all over the place but I'm only curious about one of the more outlandish retorts.

    "anyone who settled here for non-political purposes made a living off of screwing the transplants"

    What does that even mean? Are you being sarcastic? Do you have a lot of confidence in the demographics you speak of, because it seems like you have a habit of spouting broad, sweeping stereotypes.

    But hey, keep ginning up that "righteous anger" on behalf of them black folks -- all 300,000 or so -- who've been disenfranchised by the evil transplants. I'm sure they appreciate it.

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  63. What is wrong with the Midwest? Not everyone from that entire region of the country is a farmer or even related to one!

    Side note, I think your posts were great Liz. Keep up the good work.

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  64. One of the reasons I was convinced you have no idea what you are talking about is your seeming inability to distinguish those people ripping on you legitimately and so called-trolls. Even when you seem to accept the feedback, you commit many of the same errors in your responses the people helping you are trying to prevent. I was thinking of how best to explain this to you when I read your 6 point response in this post. Now I just think you are flat out ignorant. You are publicly embarrassing yourself and need to stop.

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  65. why you got to labeled the cab driver?
    and why not move to Chicago?

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  66. Because there is clearly no racial, sexual, gender diversity in the midwest. Clearly, Chicago, Minneapolis, St. Louis, the Big 10, etc...don't exist.

    Thank god everything about DC and the East Coast proves that they are success stories of minority group integration.

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  67. I don't know James. I'm not perfect, but your definition of "informed" seems to be "someone who is exactly like me." I'm not like you. I wouldn't have posted complaints about you in public, for example. And I totally disagreed with the approach you took in your job-hunting advice.

    I'd be fine leaving it at a simple disagreement, without the personal shots you've taken.

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