Hey, our team won. That's nice. I suppose then, that it's time, for us, to do the BOOZE UP AND FUCKING RIOT THING!!!!

Ohhh, this is always fun. Maryland beats Duke, and College Park cowers in fear.

Remember when it happened last year? Good times. We got some classic quotes out of that. I loved that like Len Bias loved cocaine. Let's do it again.

Here's the story link. Ladies and gentlemen, start your mockery.

More than 1,500 students swarmed into downtown College Park and Fraternity Row following Maryland’s unexpected defeat of No. 2 Duke, forming multiple mosh pit crowds as students huddled together, many in pajamas, screaming, jumping and chanting “[Fuck] you, J.J.” and “Let’s go Maryland.”

Ahh, Terps fans. Classy to a fault. You tell that J.J. That will teach him to... play basketball... um... against your team. What a fool.

As two helicopters circled overhead, a steady stream of students poured from the campus amid the sounds of honking horns and howls of glee.

One male student knelt to kiss the sidewalk as he left Cole Field House, where many students watched the game on a projection screen. “That’s why you come here! That’s what it’s for!” he shouted.

Riiiight, that's why you go to Maryland. To riot after beating Duke in an ultimately meaningless regular season game. And also, why is he kissing the sidewalk? The game didn't actually take place here, it was... ahhh, never mind. I don't want to know.

On Route 1, two male students brazenly stepped out of the cautious crowd to light a fire of T-shirts and cardboard, as police equipped with clubs, pepperguns and shields inched toward them to extinguish the flames.

“Pandemonium — absolutely out of control,” said senior criminology and criminal justice major J.T. Merryweather. “This is the second best riot I’ve ever seen.” After watching students light a fire at the intersection of Knox Road and Route 1 for a second time he changed his mind. “As of right now, it might be the best.”

A criminal justice major who's into celebrating random violence on the streets, eh? I always suspected that cops got off on this stuff. Now I know.

“This is our first riot, and they pushed us with nightsticks,” said freshman biology major Matt Skalka. “It was the highlight of my night.”

Ummm, OK. Does anybody actually go to this school to, say, learn stuff? Or do they just go in the hopes that they'll have an excuse to unleash their endless suburban rage? UMD should just totally abandon any kind of academic pursuit... go for the violence angle.

Sigh... remember when people used to riot over more important things, like racial tension? Remember when the people who were rioting weren't spoiled, shallow college students? Those were the days.

Come on, kids. Can't you riot when we really need it? Couldn't you have done this last week in the middle of the inauguration, instead? Don't riot over a stupid basketball win. Your peers are dying in Iraq. Riot over that, maybe.

One student standing in front of Wireless Solutions resisted. When two officers tried to push him back, a surge in the crowd sent the student and the two officers into the window of the store, causing them to break the glass.

Oh man. That's got a certain, je ne sais quoi comedy factor to it... I'm putting it in my screenplay for Fraternity Vacation 2, right now. Or maybe Revenge of the Nerds 5. (Are they up to five?)

You really have to be a glutton for punishment to own a business in College Park, knowing you'll have to go through replacing your windows every time the women's lacrosse team takes down UMBC, or whatever. You might as well move to Baghdad, open a Christian bookstore-slash-plate glass warehouse, and put up a "Bomb THIS, Islamofascists!" banner. Same result: you're just asking for total destruction.

In conclusion: Len Bias died of a cocaine overdose, and I think that's funny. Does that make me a bad person? Of course not. Good day and God bless.