I'd like to teach the world to TAG YOUR MAN... TAG YOUR MAN...

That's it, people. I've figured it out. Two words that succinctly and perfectly sum up What's Wrong With Washington. Here it is. Actually, one word and one number. Are you ready? Here it comes.

Dance 360.

Now, chances are, you don't know what I'm talking about. Well, I'm here to educate you, FOOL. Dance 360 is, and I don't think I'm exaggerating here, the best television program ever created by mankind. Tragically, it is not carried by the only station that could rightfully be showing it: UPN 20.

This is a wrong that needs to be righted. I will start a one-man crusade to bring Dance 360 to the Washington airwaves. It would revolutionlize our lives. The local social landscape would collapse; class barriers would crumble; borders would be rendered meaningless; we could all finally live together in harmony, as brothers.

Allow me to explain further. Dance 360 is presented to you by these fine people (click for official site, and be sure to watch the promos):



That would be Moesha's boyfriend, a hot Asian chick named "DJ K-Sly", and the guy from Good Burger... no, not the one on Saturday Night Live, the other one.

They host what could only rightfully be desribed as You Got Served: The Series. I first got to watch it while visiting my brother in Atlanta; his TiVo TiVoed it for him off UPN-69 (awesome!) against his wishes. Turns out, TiVo knew what it was doing.

As a press release from UPN's Seattle affiliate reads:

Hosted by Kel Mitchell, Fredro Starr, and Dj K Sly, Dance 360 is a fresh new strip for teens, featuring original hip hop music and the most amazing dance moves on TV. Created with an understanding of hip hop as the most influential and trendy phenomenon in pop culture today, each show will feature dancers battling head-to-head for the audiences approval. With its dynamic atmosphere, Dance 360 is an anything-goes party.

Fresh new strip, indeed. The studio audience stands in a round (hence, 360), while dancers picked from the crowd are forced to bust it out on the center stage in the middle. At random intervals, the dancers must battle head-to-head, while the audience helpfully calls out, "HEAD TO HEAD! HEAD TO HEAD! HEAD TO HEAD!" (Hmmm, just like that scene in Requiem for a Dream. Oh wait, that was "ass to ass.") They also would occasionally yell "TAG YOUR MAN!" for some reason. Can't remember why. It's probably not important.

Then, audience cheers determine the winner, who receives... $360.

I'm sorry. Make that $360... and an X-Box.

Oh my God. Could this show be any more awesomer? No, it could not.

Why is there no room for Dance 360 on my television, DAMMIT? "Ohhh, my name is Washington. I'm so important and smart. I only show shows that are political and good for your brain. Here, let's give Tucker Carlson his own show."

Excuse me, but are there any breakdancing battles on Tucker Carlson's new show? Because if there are, then maybe I would watch. As it is, I believe the number of TV shows in Washington that feature breakdancing battles stands at a puerile zero.

("Puerile?" That makes no sense. I've got to stop using these fancy-sounding words before I've looked them up. Oh well, too late now.)

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah... the reason we need this on the air is because it would fix Washington. We need TV that's not good for your brain, but is instead really bad for your brain, to the point of being potentially harmful to it. Political and news shows would be rendered obsolete. Life as we know it would be changed forever. I envision everybody downtown heading home early in the afternoon and lighting up a big fat joint, just in time to catch Dance 360 (in this fantasy scenario, it would come on after either Texas Justice or Girlfriends, not sure which). All those politicians, lobbyists and lawyers would finally loosen up and stop being so Type A. They would finally start to see what's important in life... not money or power or fancy cars, but dance battles. There's no question... this would change the world.

Yeah, my mind's made up. WE NEED DANCE 360. Tout de suite, UPN 20. Only you can rectify everything that's wrong about Washington.

And, also, as it turns out, you must do as I say. I complain about things, and they get fixed. That's just how it is. No need to thank me, Washington, but I'd like to point out that: I complain about not enough art-house movie theaters, and they open E Street. I complain about no baseball, we get the Nationals (63 days until Opening Day!). I complain about nobody carrying Air America radio, and then they start carrying it on AM 1260. (Ummm, can I take that last one back? Turns out it's kinda lame. And turns out I don't need my political beliefs validated by people on the radio.)

So yeah, in other words... you have no choice in the matter, UPN-20. You will carry Dance 360. Both you, and then one day, your heirs. End of discussion.