I think it would be fun to mock a newspaper

Oh man, this new daily paper, "THE EXAMINER," is just adorable. Check out its first-ever front page.

Isn't that just precious? I'm pretty sure it's being written and assembled by a junior high school journalism class. Our top story: 62 days until baseball! Because 61 or 60 days left until baseball just isn't as big a scoop.

And also: CELINE! Not just Celine, but Celine with a big ol' "slammer!" on the end, as they say in the newspaper biz. Oh man. If they bust out the slammer for Celine... well, as my brother would say, they're clearly not going to be shy about running over to the glass case and breaking out the huge-size emergency font at a moment's notice.

What's interesting here is that this creates an unprecedented competition between cult leader Rev. Sun Myung Moon's Washington Times and evangelical Christian Philip Anschutz's Examiner. Let's check out the tale of the tape:

1. Which editorial page can be a bigger conservative fellatio factory?

The Ex: "Hope blossoms where Bush plants democracy."

The Times: "For many Americans Sen. Ted Kennedy has long been a caricature of liberal elitism, the bloated shell of what once was the youthful beauty of change."

Advantage: Times. They just have a way with words.

2. Headline contest! Witticisms go!

Wow! Maryland 79, No. 22 Georgia Tech 71

SBC to buy AT&T for $16 billion, create largest telecom company
For Iraqi voters, economy a key issue
Crusade to make roads safer moving ahead

Wow. The Times comes off as a wet blanket.
Advantage: Examiner.

3. Which paper is better at finding out what extremely boring people do for entertainment?

The Ex: Obviously, "Celine!" On being an international icon: "There's no other life, baby." The target audience does like Celine, so they get a few points... but...

The Times: How can you hope to compete with the queen of pointless lifestyle stories, Jen Waters? You can't. Just look at her last five ledes:

"Some people enjoy bird-watching, but Stephanie Bappert likes to look for whales."

"Although some people consider twins to be double trouble, the duos actually are a double benefit to genetic research, says Lindon Eaves, distinguished professor of human genetics and psychiatry at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond."

"Greg Mumma still has his two front teeth, thanks to the wonders of protective hockey gear."

"Sometimes fake flowers are even better than the real thing, says Shery Massey, designer at Annandale Designs N' Flowers."

"John Sherrill said he has been praying in languages unknown to him for more than 40 years."

Sorry, Examiner. You can't even hope to contain the awesome journalistic artistry of one Ms. Jen Waters. You're going to have to pull a Charles Foster Kane and hire her away if you want a shot at this category.

Advantage: Times.

(Ahh, Jen. You still have a job. I hope you get down on your knees and thank the True Father every day.)

No question, this is defintely a brewing rivalry. Stay tuned.

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