First up: beloved deceased icons of greed. The Times fires an opening salvo with an opinion piece that dares to be pro-Ayn Rand. Objectivism? I'm lovin' it! Sample grab:
One of her essay collections had the surprising title, "The Virtue of Selfishness." Looking back, it's hard to recapture how jarring that phrase was a generation ago, when altruism and self-sacrifice were seen as the central elements of an exemplary life. Today, Americans take it for granted that they are entitled to live for their own happiness, without apology.Yes hooray, you're looking out for #1, fuck everyone else, we know we know. Thank you for making the world a shittier place to live.
The Examiner fires back with a cutting-edge story on how really great Ronald Reagan was. Who needs a special occasion to suck on the Great Communicator's cock? Not us, says the Examiner! My favorite part is the headline: "Reagan still an icon." I hope somebody got to yell "Stop the press!"
Advantage: Examiner. The target audience can't get enough Reagan cock.
Next up: hot-button constitutional issues. The FundEx's turn to go first. They angle for the pro-NRA crowd by spotlighting an attempt in congress to ban a powerful type of rifle. In doing so, they get some choice quotes from why.i.hate.dc favorite Philip Van Cleave.
Cue the nonsensical analogies:
Van Cleave said the right to own property should not be taken away if no one is using that property to commit crimes. "Would you like to give up your SUV because it might be involved in a wreck sometime?" he said. "Anything you've got, they might take away because it could be used in a crime."Ahh, appealing to our fear of having the gum'mint take away our propert-aiy. Well played, Van Cleave. According to the article, this is a rifle "that can pierce a commercial airliner from 2,000 yards away." I can see how that would be useful for everyday household sniping chores. (P.S.: Mr. Van Cleave, please don't come to my house and shoot me.)
But the MooTimes fires back with that old standby: going way off AP-style by putting the word "marriage" in "quotes" when it happens to come after the word "gay". In case you hadn't figured out the Times' position on the issue, I'll spell it out for you: they no likee the gays.
OK, time for pivotal round 3: the Most Insipid Writing award.
The Times once again goes with old reliable, Ms. Jen Waters. I've been studying the Jen Waters School of Writing Ledes, which requires the following elements:
1. A person's name
2. Their occupation and/or business
3. Their place of residence and/or employment
4. A reason for me to not read the rest of the story (usually a boring subject, or something that would only concern rich people)
Let's check in on her latest opus:
The world of cardiac care has come a long way since the first open-heart surgery, says Dr. Vincent Gott, professor of cardiac surgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore.Let's see, that's 1, 2, 3, and it's about developments in open-heart surgery, so perfect score!
Ahh, but the Examiner has a Secret Weapon in the fight to be the Undisputed Masters of Insipidity. Are you ready for this? (NOTE: If you happen to have "Are You Ready For This" by 2 Unlimited on your computer, play it now to enhance the moment.) It's...
Too Tough For TV.
Unfortunately, no one can be told what Too Tough For TV is. You have to see it for yourself. Suffice to say that by "tough," they apparently mean "bone-chillingly unfunny." Sample grabs:
A new study finds that preschoolers who consume sugary drinks are more likely to be overweight, and parents who consume alcohol are less likely to care.Umm. Ouch. These really aren't doing anything for me.
The government warned this week that terrorists might try to use ambulances as a means of attack on Americans. Glad to see we're accounting for the terrorists' sense of irony.
Marvel Comics has announced the return of "The Black Panther." Originally created in 1966, he'll be the only superhero who attended a party at Leonard Bernstein's house.
In Sunday's Super Bowl, the New England Patriots defeated the Philadelphia Eagles and their quarterback, Donovan McNabb. Somewhere out there, Rush Limbaugh is breathing a sigh of relief.
Purportedly, these are jokes that were rejected from late-night talk show monologues, although the editors are being rather coy regarding how they got a hold of them. Let's just say that I think Jon Stewart's job is safe. Tell you what: as a public service to the staff of the Examiner, I'm going to try to punch these up a bit.
A new study finds that preschoolers who consume sugary drinks are more likely to be overweight.
The government warned this week that terrorists might try to use ambulances as a means of attack on Americans.
In Sunday's Super Bowl, the New England Patriots defeated the Philadelphia Eagles and their quarterback, Donovan McNabb. Somewhere out there, Rush Limbaugh is
So there you go. That's at least mildly better. Who says bloggers don't perform a public service?
Advantage: The Examiner. I can't believe they came up with something to eclipse Jen Waters, but they did. Be scared; be very a-scared.
Final round! It's time to play everybody's favorite game: Our Paper's So White.
"Our paper's so white, we only distribute it to white people."
Where the White People Are:
Where the Examiner delivers:
OK, nice job. A valiant effort.
"We're so white, we regularly run articles by white supremacists, including Marian Kester Coombs, wife of managing editor Fran Coombs. We also regularly run ads from anti-Semitic and Holocaust-denial groups."
Wow. That's the kill-shot. Game, set and match: Times. You can't compete with good old-fashioned racism, the way Grandpa Moon used to make it.
That's it for this edition. I'm going to go hang myself. See you next time!