All the fun of a Puritan society, without the cool hats

Virginia was somehow miraculously shamed into killing the no-low-riding-pants bill. Not that it's going to stop the House of Delegates from crafting yet another Purityrannical bill, which by my count is already the 94th of this legistative session. This one would purportedly "recognize explicitly a right to pray in public places, including schools."

Huh? What does that mean? Praying as in thinking silently to yourself, or praying as in shouting out hosannas during geography class?

"I think the American people and the courts have been saying that the wall in the separation of church and state has gone too far, and it's suppressed -- I'd even say oppressed -- the Christian faith and silenced it," he said.

Yes, that pooooor oppressed Christian faith. No longer has any outlet of any kind to express its love for that crazy magical man in the sky. None whatsoever. And, as we all know, God will get totally pissed off if we don't spend every fucking moment telling him what a really great guy he is, including on government property.

Another supporter is Del. L. Scott Lingamfelter (R-Prince William). "There is now a poisoned environment for religious expression that the founders never, never desired," said Lingamfelter, who voted for the proposal.

So there you go. Unparalleled insight into the minds of our founders. George Mason, Thomas Jefferson... and Scott Lingamfelter.

("Lingamfelter." Hee.)

Meanwhile, let's make the natural shift from government-forced religion to government-forced morality. Yesterday there was a full-page ad in the Post urging the Department of Justice to investigate a company called Movie Gallery, which is trying to acquire Hollywood Video. Apparently, Movie Gallery is the kind of store that might have a back room... from whence comes the porn. The advertisement was sponsored by a passel of "pro-family" (or as I like to call them, "anti-James") organizations, including the Alexandria-based Parents Television Council.

PTC is one of those "only-in-Washington" organizations. As you may know, the PTCers sit around all day watching TV, cataloguing with precise detail all the smutty things they might come upon. That's how they make a living. Just incredible.

And, hilariously, they even post a clip of the "Worst TV Clip of the Week," the one moment in TV that made them the most horny... I mean offended! The most offended. This week's worst clip is from VH1's The Surreal Life; it takes place in a strip club and involves some pretty hot pole dancing. And you can watch it all just by going there and clicking on it. Surreal; PTC is serving some of the hottest video on the Internet. No wonder they get so much traffic.

Anyway, they're after Movie Gallery because of the fear of carrying porn, as well as videos that are rated NC-17. They want the DOJ to try enforce federal obscenity laws, which attempts to forbid the distribution of porn, but not the ownership thereof. (Uhh, how am I supposed to get the porn if no-one can distribute it?) Apparently, the mere presence of a video-store back room and video boxes for otherwise explicit films will taint (hee!) God-fearing children who innocently lay their eyes on them.

Look, PTC. You seem like nice enough people, so I'm going to let you off with a warning this time. I'm a 29-year-old adult. I waited a long time to be able to go to the video store and buy porn. I had to endure childhood, puberty, and being a teenager. I suffered through literally years of staring at the scrambled Playboy channel and desperately trying to make out some kind of outline. And now, I'm a responsible adult male who has paid his dues, and who simply wants to see naked ladies on his TV. What I'm trying to say is:

If you mess with my porn... I'ma be the one to bring it to you.

Let me masturbate in peace, Parents Television Council. Let me masturbate... in peace.